"SHOULD WE GO OUT AND CLAIM MARS IN THE NAME OF BROOKLYN?" That's what THE ANGRY RED PLANET proposes we do. And even in 1960 this movie must have seemed old-fashioned. But it's hard not to love it. I mean, this flick seems much older than it actually is; I was convinced it was firmly entrenched in the mid-50's but the fact that it was released a full DECADE after DESTINATION MOON. . . ! For herein we find a spaceship crew of four that has to be the most stereotypical ever seen since CATWOMEN OF THE MOON (which, by the by, had been released a full 7 YEARS before this here movie). And to get you in the proper mood, you might want to listen to the wonderously goofy end title music here performed by Neil Norman & His Cosmic Orchestra.

This wacky crew is headed by Colonel Tom O'Bannion (frequent radio actor Gerald Mohr) who is so macho that I'm sure his chin blunts razor blades and he can caused hair to sprout from metal surfaces just by his mere touch. Nora Hayden plays the girl -- Dr. Iris Ryan; actually she has a doctorate in biology rather than let that deter anyone, the entire cast constantly thinks of her as "the girl". And one can hardly blame them. As the hilariously excellent Atomic Monsters website points out in their indispensable review of the film: "I believe she's the only female astronaut in history to take a break from her experiments to splash on a little perfume!" Whatever Hayden's shortcomings as an actress (and they are legion) she can't really be held THAT responsible for this; that must lay at the feet of director/screenwriter Ib Melchior and writer Sid Pink. Suffice it to say that Ms. Hayden is NOT Elizabeth Taylor in GIANT -- also ANOTHER much earlier film! Rotund, Brooklynese Jack Kruschen plays Lou Costello wannabe Sam Jacobs -- whose sole purpose on the flight seems to be to read pulp magazine, play with the ship's tape recorder and leave his spacesuits lying around so Iris can trip over them. Kruschen's character is also the one responsible for the "claiming Mars for Brooklyn" bon mot at the beginning of this article. It seems like every 50's (and I'm lumping THIS film in with the other 50's skiffy opussesses) needs either an annoying, overly proud Texan or a boisterous Brooklyn native among the flight crew. And rounding out said flight crew is yet our fourth 50's sci-fi stereotype -- the dry, academic brainy scientist Professor Gettell played by the best actor among the flight crew: Les Tremayne. Now, the professor is naturally supposed to be the slightly elderly academician (think Edmund Gwenn in THEM!); however, Tremayne looks about 20 years YOUNGER than so-called virile hero Gerald Mohr. This lends Mohr's constant attempts to hit on Ms. Hayden a creepiness bordering on seat-squirming discomfiture of the audience. At least THIS member of the audience. The running "joke" (ahem) of the film is that Mohr constantly refers to Iris as "Irish". Finally, the DOCTOR OF BIOLOGY protests saying she's not sure if he's calling her "by name or nationality". It's about time she protested. However, in probably the most laugh-inducing DUMB line I've ever heard in a movie, Mohr eyes her up in what appears to be meant to be a seductive leer and replies: "When I call you by name. . .(long pause). . .you'll KNOW it!" Brrrrrrrrrrrr. I can't really pick apart Nora Hayden's facial response to THIS particular line because. . .well, how would YOU perform a scene when responding to such a ridiculous line?!? She's dumbfounded and we are too! Anywho, there IS a plot so I'd better devote some time to it, I think. Said spaceship MR1 went to Mars with said wacky flight crew and Earth has lost contact with them; presuming them lost. Then they pick up the returning ship floating out in space between Mars and Earth. Naturally, they are able to return the ship to Earth by REMOTE CONTROL!!! Makes sense to me. You remember all those radio-controlled model airplanes when you were a kid, don't you. Well, I'm sure all THIS maneuver requires is a bigger battery. The rocket ship lands (thrusters DOWN, mind you) and out staggers Dr. Iris Ryan: renowned biologist and feminist icon. A nearby colonel cries: "Look! The girl!" Thanks, colonel. And in by-the-book response to this, Major General Treegar (Paul Hahn) bounds towards her shouting: "The hell with radiation. Let's go!" And they wondered why the Russians beat them into space. In even further disregard for prudence and public safety, they then cart out an unconscious crewmember (at first his face isn't seen but it turns out to be he-man O'Bannion) with his arm encrusted with green slime. Whahoppen?!?!?! That's the main body of the movie. And yes, if you're saying to yourself "This opening seems familiar" it's because much the same thing happened in Hammer's much superior (as well as a couple years EARLIER) science fiction classic THE QUATERMASS XPERIMENT (known in the states as THE CREEPING UNKNOWN) in which a spaceship returns from a space mission with two of it's members vanished and one astronaut (much better actor Richard Wordsworth) returns afflicted with an alien growth . . . ON HIS ARM! The flashback (which Iris needs to be drugged in order to remember -- nothing like drugs to provide an accurate account) finds our four knuckleheads landing on the red planet -- and it really IS a red planet. All planetside scenes are filmed in something called "Cinemagic" which is supposed to make flat objects appear 3-D but is merely film stock with all the colours except red removed. I won't waste time delving into the many adventures (silly though they ARE) our crew meet upon the martian surface -- you really owe it to yourself to watch the movie for that pleasure. Suffice it to say that at first Mars appears deserted and eerily quiet; until the giant man-eating plants and peeping Tom hawknosed rubber aliens turn up, that is. There is also a huge lake-dwelling (yes, a Martian lake) sea monster with a swiftly-revolving google eye that may or may not be the large Jello monster that subsequently engulfs the rocket ship. However, the true star of the film (and the actor who steals all our hearts) is the famed "Batratspidercrab" which is 40 feet tall (actually a marionnette puppet) combination of those four creatures -- and cute as a button!!! The utter insanity of this film makes it so you can't take your eyes off it for fear of missing the next ridiculous moment. While THE ANGRY RED PLANET is certainly not a great movie, it is always entertaining (even if for the wrong reasons).