MAN, I REALLY HATE 13 GHOSTS. Not the Dark Castle remake of a few years ago which I very much enjoy. I'm talking about the original 1960 William Castle film 13 GHOSTS. Whereas Castle's earlier HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL with Vincent Price I could (and do) watch over and over again, 13 GHOSTS is just painful to watch. Readers of this blog probably know that I don't usually like ripping movies apart; I always try to find the enjoyable aspects of every film. And, for the most part, any movie I'm going to talk about usually has SOME redeeming qualities or else why take up your time and mine discussing it at all. I'm no critic who gets his jollies ripping apart someone else's project; usually a project which many creators sweat blood in order to bring to fruition. But when it's bad, it's bad, folks! And as someone who holds the horror genre very dear, I cannot find much good to say about the squandered opportunity that is 13 GHOSTS. For some reason, Castle decided to instill the film with all the scares and atmosphere of a child's pantomime show of Puss 'N' Boots. There isn't a scary moment in the film, granted, but there also isn't an atmospheric or even mildly spooky moment either. There is no hokey but nevertheless very effective scare like the one when hag-like Leona Anderson, grimacing with white contact lenses, pops out of the dark to scare the willies outta the ingenue in HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL. And that's really a shame because 13 GHOSTS could've been just as much fun as HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL. Especially since the ghosts in THIS movie are apparently real; as opposed to the earlier film.

And speaking of those ghosts, they are even a pathetic, unfrightening lot. The ghost of a lion?!?!? Give me a break. A milk bottle floating across the kitchen with less technical prowess than an episode of BEWITCHED?!?! It almost seems like William Castle had a strange contempt for his audience which he never displayed in his other hokum. Never a great filmmaker, Castle nevertheless usually entertained; but here 13 GHOSTS has the slipshod feel of a movie which had to be made to fulfill contractual obligations. Although I don't think it was. All Castle's films also featured a gimmick (a la the paper skeleton flying out over the audience or theatre seats wired with buzzers) and here Castle provides the audience with special glasses which allow you to see the invisible ghosts on the screen. However, the movie is so uninteresting and the ghosts so unimpressive, one wonders why the audience would bother wanting to get a look at the apparitions. The movie's direction is simply a fatal flaw.

Another fatal flaw is the casting. Bland would be the word. Firstly I'd like to single out young Charles Herbert (who also appeared in THE FLY with Vincent Price) as the most likeable and interesting actor in the entire cast. And those of you who know my usual low opinion of child actors should find this statement extremely unusual -- and extremely telling in regards to the rest of the cast. The wonderful Margaret Hamilton (you know. . .the Wicked Witch of the West) is good, of course, in her Martha Mattox-like spooky housekeeper role but she is given very little to do. Rosemary DeCamp is likeable enough and capable in her role but I would say she is miscast. Martin Milner as the "nice boy lawyer who seems too nice" would've been fine casting if Milner hadn't telegraphed his character's ulterior motives so obviously. One suspects the director here of telling Milner to be less subtle because the actor plays it as delicately as a frying pan to the frontal lobe. And I've saved the worst for last. Donald Woods is simply unbearable to watch as the sappy father who inherits the spooky old mansion (which isn't spooky in the least -- the overlit set in fact looks like Ozzie Nelson should live there with brightly-painted walls and nary a cobweb to be seen). But back to Donald Woods; he was never much of an actor to begin with and he nearly torpedoed the otherwise quite good episode of BORIS KARLOFF'S THRILLER entitled "Yours Truly, Jack the Ripper". But here, he manages to sink 13 GHOSTS! The actor would be more at home on MR. ROGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD than here. Woods seems puzzled throughout the film; not because of the goings on inside the haunted house but because he has no idea how to play his part or even, probably, why he was cast in the film. We the audience wonder why as well. Woods strikes me as a more insipid version of Hugh Marlowe; who himself was always only Richard Carlson-lite! Woefully miscast, Woods frequently -- and I do mean frequently -- stares face to face with a supposedly-threatening ghost and registers no fright whatsoever. For such a milquetoast actor, you'd at least think he would show mild concern for his (and, more to the point, his FAMILY'S) safety. But Woods shows all the emotion of a man trying to get an egg stain out of his necktie. In fact, the entire cast (except for the otherwise forgettable daughter) never shows the slightest inkling of fear at these ghosts. Most normal folks would be running around peeling garlic and carving crosses by this point. Even little Haley Joel Osment had the good sense to load his bedroom tent with religious statuary!!! Woods stands around obviously thinking "What should I do now, Mr. Castle?". DeCamp shows annoyance at the homicidal ghosts as if they were a dog that tracked muddy pawprints across her nice kitchen floor. As a matter of fact, the entire movie plays more like a floor wax commercial than a horror movie. Very sad. And what a waste. 13 GHOSTS had the potential to be a fun, hokey ghost film in the vein of HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL. What the hell happened?!?!?!