PALE BLOOD [1990]

 "STAB THE BACK AND BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS!"  

Neon blue!  Neon pink!  Neon blue AND pink!  The look of this really put me back into 1988-1990!  Wait, is "MOONLIGHTING" coming on?!?!?!!!  Or maybe "FOREVER KNIGHT"???  "LOVE AND CURSES" maybe?!?!?!?????  You get the idea. 

"Someone is using sharpened incisors to bite into the necks of the victims and all the blood is drained out.  But there's no evidence!  There's never any evidence!" So says Lori; the woman whom Michael Fury is paying to investigate the so-called vampire murders. 

Lori is Pamela Ludwig.  Lori has a beret!  And she was in Prince's UNDER THE CHERRY MOON!!!!  

And Michael Fury is George Chakiris.  You know, from THE YOUNG GIRLS OF ROCHEFORT.  Oh and I suppose he won an Oscar or something for WEST SIDE STORY too.  He lives in a condo!  But he never drinks . . . . . . .Coke!  

You see, Michael Fury is a vampire and he's out to corral this fake "Vampire Killer".    

Oh snap, wait!  Look, now there's Wings Hauser!!!!  He's on a roof with a camera!  And he's bathed in neon BLUE light and talkin' sleazy to himself.  Is there anything greater than Wings Hauser bathed in blue neon talkin' sleazy???  Huh, Wings?  Is there?!?!?!?!????? 

 Yeah, I didn't think so!  

Wings is an artist!  He doesn't have to explain to you or anybody else what it is he's doing up on a roof with a camcorder talking sleazy to himself and now bathed in neon PINK light!  

OK, so maybe he explains it to Michael Fury who suddenly materializes on the roof with him in that sneaky vampy way.  

Uh oh.  The movie's only been running 16 minutes and we've heard TWO Agent Orange songs so far; is this going to be a pattern?!?!?!  

Whoa!  It's Sybil Danning in biker gear!!!! 

Nobody told me this movie was going to be the best thing EVER!  

She's a lady of the evening and she's not even credited?!?!?!  Does this movie have such an embarrassment of riches that it can afford to not even credit Sybil Danning?!?!?!!!!  

OK, now Michael Fury took home a ho and bit her in the boob.   

Meanwhile, Lori's watching NOSFERATU and getting a little too worked up.  

Michael Fury shows up at her door.  Oh no, hasn't he bitten enough boobs for one night?!?  

She's got a list of suspects . . . "they have records of kinkiness.  L.A., you know?".  

Lori's apartment walls are covered with photos of Bela Lugosi and movie posters for RETURN OF DRACULA and KISS OF THE VAMPIRE.  

When Michael Fury sits on her sofa, there's a little stuffed Dracula toy behind his shoulder.  My kinda investigator.  

AHHHH all the lightbulbs in Michael Fury's condo must be neon blue!   

And he's got Tinker Toys!  No wait, he's just setting up a tent inside his condo so the daylight don't git him.  It seems like a cross between a tent and a sleeping bag.  No way,  I actually think it's a Coleman Camper coffin!  

Oh, so did I mention that Wings Hauser's character is named Van Vandameer and his ancestor was a vampire hunter?  

Michael Fury doesn't change his suit when he wakes up every night. 

Oooo, stinky, stinky vampire!  

Let's check up on Lori -- oh, she's got a dot matrix printer.  She's printing up Wings Hauser's (Van's) Cv.  Uh oh.  He's got 3 instances of psychiatric confinement and he's a member of Demon Defenders, International Brotherhood of Dragonslayers, UFO Alert, UFO Space Virus Healers Association, UFO Watchers Union, Friends of Dracula, Skywatchers United, and Alien Identification Network.  It also lists his psychotic drug episodes:  fight during seminar on nature of demons, collapse at UFO convention. . . . stop snickering, Lori! I thought he just shot dirty videos!   

Man, look at those neon blues and pinks.  This movie really screams 1988 to me.  I wonder if PALE BLOOD wasn't released for a couple years after it was made because it sure looks and feels like 1988.  It's like LESS THAN ZERO with bloodsuckers!  

Look, Lori's now in Michael Fury's condo and says she's at the bottom of the blood vision/hallucinations they've been having.  Michael Fury says she's not, takes a little nap, and both Michael Fury and Lori thrash around on opposite sides of the room having blood visions in slow motion.  

Hey, the local radio station is giving away Agent Orange tickets!  

And did you hear what Wings Hauser just said?  He has a foolproof way to keep vampires out of his safe room:  he painted the walls with 60 gallons of garlic juice!!!  This is the best movie ever!!!