HAUNTEDWEEN (1991)

 "BELIEVE ME, I KNOW GUYS!  THEY'RE TURD HEADS!" 

Direct from the third volume of Vinegar Syndrome's HOME GROWN HORRORS box set comes another lunchtime production called HAUNTEDWEEN; the only directorial effort by Doug Robertson.  This no budget king of the VHS shelves has been on my watchlist for a long time; so long, in fact, that I can't exactly remember why.  I must've read about it somewhere, I guess.  Anywho, the perfect opportunity to finally watch it came when it was included in said VS box set.  I'm sure this is the best it will ever look because it actually looks purdy durn nice.  Filmed by apparently non-professionals in the environs of Bowling Green, Kentucky, HAUNTEDWEEN is a little charmer!  Things start out 20 years ago (since the movie is from 1991, this would make it 1971 -- which is problematic because our teen 'hero' Eddie Burber is reading FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND #106 -- you know, the one with the HIDEOUS SUN DEMON Basil Gogos cover -- and that issue came out in 1974!). 

As someone who owns that OG issue of FM, it made my heart stop to see Eddie casually lay the magazine down in the dirt at his feet when a car pulls up.  Even in 1991, these mags were pretty expensive.  In the next camera angle, the magazine is gone from the ground where Eddie placed it a second ago.  But we're not here to pick nits.  Young Eddie is sitting outside taking admission for the Burber family haunted house attraction.  He is forbidden from going inside because he's not old enough yet.  Eddie sneaks in, however, wearing his green-faced monster mask with bright red hair and terrorizes a little girl who, unfortunately, backs herself into a jagged piece of wood and impales herself.  Eddie, not one to waste and opportunity, takes out his machete and decaps her. 

Eddie then scurries out his secret entrance and hides in the woods when Mom comes along and advises the boy that's they've gotta go away for a while now.  20 years go by and Mom hollers for Eddie to bring firewood and immediately has a heart attack.  Eddie then apparently goes back to the abandoned Burber House and takes up residence.  At the same time, nearby Tophill State College fraternity Sigma Phi is out of funds and will be closed down if they don't come up with $3, 700.  Goofy frat member Hanks (played by Brad . . . um . . . Hanks)

comes up with the idea of re-opening the Burber House of Horrors and charging admission to make up the bread.  Frat Prez Kurt (Brien Blakely) and his girlfriend Mel (Blake Pickett) are having relationship issues because Kurt is neglecting her by spending too much time on frat duties.  He promises to do better. 

Kurt and Mel go out to the abandoned Burber House and are spied upon by Eddie who now, for some unknown reason, has a face like Quasimodo.  Or is it just a mask???  Later, a knock at the frat house door is answered by Hanks and who should be at the door but Eddie; offering up the key to the Burber House so the frat can raise money for it.  When Hanks asks him why, Eddie says he's a Sigma Phi himself and give him the secret handshake (which we saw young Eddie use 20 years earlier).  "I didn't get your name, brother." says Hanks and, with his back to the camera, Eddie cryptically replies, "Good luck . . . brother!"  The day comes for the Burber House of Horrors party to begin and, well, what do you THINK is gonna happen???  A bunch of college kids and a deformed homicidal maniac.  Sounds like a fun time.

And it is.  After the beginning kill, the movie settles down for QUITE a while with a lot of non-horror stuff involving the college kids and their relationships and efforts to set up the Halloween party.  But, whereas this is usually instant death for a no-budget horror flick, here it is not and it's actually really enjoyable.  Nobody here can really act much but everyone is so shockingly charming that I never lost interest.  And Brad Hanks gives a hilarious performance as Hanks, the frat 'treasurer' and party doorman.  And oh my stars and garters, in the scene where the kids are going to fix up the Burber House, we get to see a CD Player boom box EXACTLY like the one I had back in 1991!!!  Then it starts playin' a rockin' 1991 rock song that rocks:  "In a haunted house on a haunted 'ween, it's the biggest party you've ever seen, gonna raise some hell, gonna lose control, we're just dyin' to start the show!".  Ha!  Is that foreshadowing or what?!?! I don't know who sings the song but a group called 'The Side' performs at a frat party earlier in the film so hey, maybe it's them.

This montage feels more 80's than anything else in the movie; which kinda makes it out-of-it's-time for a 1991 movie.  But the eighties were lingering on here and yeah, that's a good thing.  By 1991, horror was kinda in a major slump; especially slashers.  It really is a throwback to the early-80's slasher films and . . . again . . . that's a great thing!  I mean, we even get a nighttime scene around a campfire when the sheriff's daughter tells a true ghost story that, " about 20 years ago on this VERY property, a little girl was murdered in THAT haunted house!".  And yes, Eddie the maniac is crouching nearby in the darkness listening.  Oh, and the icing on the cake is that someone watches an episode of PRESS YOUR LUCK on TV.  No whammys!!!  It takes about 50 minutes for the moiders to start but, when they do, they's also quite well done.  Practical effects goodness that's impressive for a micro-budget.  Robertson shows a talent for directing and it's a shame this was his only feature.  I don't know, I have a lot of time for this zero budget horror movie and thoroughly enjoyed myself.