BLOOD DELIRIUM [1988]

 I MEAN . . . .WELL, I MEAN . . . . HOW IS ONE SUPPOSED TO RATE THIS ONE?!?!? 

I mean, it's a terrible movie.  Just really bad.  But it's so durn fun and hilarious (with one notable exception I'll get to in a minute).  Sergio Bergonzelli wrote and directed this messterpiece of Italian horror with the incoherency we've come to expect and love from Italian horror.  This is the first Bergonzelli opus I've seen; he also helmed the nunsploitation film CRISTIANA, DEVIL NUN which just appeared in the NASTY HABITS box set so there's a good chance I'll be getting my hooks into THAT before too long.  Sergio seems to take the nightmare-logic and sleaziness we've come to love in Italian horror and dialed it waaaaaaaaay up because this here film is almost beyond description!  The plot (like it really matters) begins with Sybille (Brigitte Christensen) awaiting the return of her husband Gerard (Marco Di Stefano).  Gerard requests Sybille make those crepes de Grand Marnier he likes.  Sybille sets the table -- topless wearing nothing but panties and stockings with garter belts.  This is an Italian horror movie, you see.  Sybille then receives a message on her answering machine from herself -- but not herself - and from the future -- and possible also dead -- warning her about something or other. 

Meanwhile, somewhere in the castle across town, famed painter Charles Saint Simone (John Philip Law) is watching his wife Christine die.  Christine is also played by Brigitte Christensen.  This is an Italian horror movie, you see.  So is this the Sybille/not Sybille calling from the future?  But this is obviously the present as we shall see because Saint Simone soon sees Sybille and invites her to his castle for a bit of sumpin' sumpin' (or something).  This is an Italian horror movie, you see.  Well, obviously it's because Sybille reminds him of Christine.  Dear.  Dead.  Christine.  Who is shortly dug up and dressed in a wig and mask and propped up in front of the piano (she played, you see) as some sort of inspiration for the painter -- who has now gone stark-staring bonkers and thinks himself some sort of reincarnation/disciple of Vincent Van Gogh.  Sybille tells Charles that she can clearly see the influence of Van Gogh on Saint Simone's paintings.  There is absolutely NO similarity between the paintings we see (which look more like Frank Frazetta) and the style of Van Gogh.  This is an Italian horror movie, you see.  And being that Italian horror movie, Simon has a valet named Hermann (Gordon Mitchell) who not only will rape any female within a 5 mile radius but also likes doing the nasty with female corpses.  Now we come to the only part of the movie which isn't fun; that is, Hermann's almost constant raping of women.  Hermann rapes pretty much any woman he sees.  On the street.  In broad daylight.  In front of witnesses.  Who pretty much act like this is a normal thing and do absolutely nothing to help the poor women.  Now I love the wonderful Gordon Mitchell but this character is just repugnant and not fun in any way.  I guess he plays the part remarkably well because the rapes are really horrible to watch and -- this may sound funny but -- I wish Hermann was not so rapey and stuck to shtupping corpses.  Truly, Hermann is a hateful character and I wish the one rape victim who pulls a knife on him halfway through the film woulda cut his throat and exited him from the picture. 

As it stands, Saint Simone (foaming-at-the-mouth bonkers as he is) is horrified and disgusted by Hermann's constant rapeyness and constantly tells him to stop -- although he does nothing more to disuade Hermann.  In fact, he needs Hermann to brings him the ladies he needs so he can bleed them to death and get that 'perfect colour' to use in his paintings i.e. their blood.  In amongst all this, there are glowing volley balls that fly around the room (not sure what they're supposed to be).  Of course, logic doesn't matter in an Italian horror movie and Bergonzelli is scrupulous about not cluttering up his movie with logic.  And this is what makes it such a great watch (minus the rapey scenes).  BLOOD DELIRIUM is aptly titled because it's a fever dream of delirium and gets even MORE feverishly bonkers in the final reel!  John Philip Law gives one of the most over-the-top, scenery-chewing performances of anybody in cinema history and I mean that!  You just know, having read this script, Law was deliberately aiming for the stratosphere!    Christensen too plays things pretty OTT and they're both marvelously matched.  Mitchell, oddly, is pretty subdued throughout much of the movie (even during his rapey bits which probably make them MORE uncomfortable) but does revert to the appropriate scenery-chewing in the final reel.  I mean, the more the merrier, right?  As ridicculous as the whole movie is, BLOOD DELIRIUM reaches a new height is incomprehensible batshit-crazy, jaw-dropping insanity in the final reel.  And oddly, the more batshit crazy Saint Simone goes, the closer his painting (done by John Philip Law himself on camera) actually DOES begin to ape the style of Van Gogh.  Perhaps all that blood WAS the trick after all?

GUILLERMO DEL TORO'S CABINET OF CURIOSITIES {2022}

MORE HALLOWEEN LEFTOVERS IN MY TRICK OR TREAT BAG!

  I never managed to get around to watching this in October (since it didn't debut on Nutflux until the very end of the month) but now here I am and here they are and let's see what becomes of me watching dem.

Ep. 1) -  LOT 39.  Directed by Guillermo Navarro, who was director of photography on pert near all of Guillermo del Toro's movies.  This one plays just like an episode of HBO's TALES FROM THE CRYPT as well as the original E.C. Comics upon which it was based.  Tim Blake Nelson plays a not-so-likeable guy who's not only down on his luck but into some loan sharks who want their money.  Desperately buying up a storage unit which may contain some valuables (tipped off by Demetrius Gross as the storage unit worker), he finds it filled with esoteric of a decidedly occult nature.  The episode takes place during Desert Storm (not sure why) and the unit was owned since the 1940's by an old man who just died.  Among other things, Nelson discovers a wooden carved seance table.  When he takes it to a dealer, she triggers a hidden drawer containing 3 old books of arcane knowledge.  Calling in an expert on such things (played by Sebastian Roche), Nelson is told there should be a 4th book; if he can find it, he'll pay $300,000 for all four tomes.  The two men go back to the storage unit and discover a false wall leading to a lengthy chamber and what lies beyond . . . 

This was a really nice above-average episode with a hint of Lovecraft and a nice E.C. twist in the tail.  Karma is a bitch.  ⭐️⭐️⭐️½

Ep. 2) - GRAVEYARD RATS.  Love that title, ain't it great?!?  Directed by Vincenzo Natali (who directed CUBE).  This episode is based on the classic horror story by Henry Kuttner (which I have read).  I've also seen it filmed previously as one of the stories in the anthology film TRILOGY OF TERROR II by Dan Curtis.  And I'm also pretty sure I've read a comic book adaptation either from E.C. Comics or some other pre-code horror comic I can't place.  David Hewlett nicely plays the custodian of a graveyard who is into some loan sharks for some money (I see a theme developing here) and partakes in a little graverobbing to recover valuables to pay of his debt.  Unfortunately, a huge infestation of rats is making this hard for him.  When opening the graves, Hewlett discovers the coffins empty; the rats have chewed a big hole in the coffin and dragged the corpses away (with whatever valuables they had on 'em).  A rich guy dies with lots of gold teeth and valuable items buried with him.  Hewlett waits till the night of the funeral hoping the rats won't get to the body that quickly.  He's wrong.  Just as he opens the coffin, he sees the body being dragged through a hole chewed in the coffin.  A desperate Hewlett crawls after it and finds himself in a vast warren of underground tunnels.  This is an absolutely wonderful episode which captures the feeling of the Kuttner story.  The tale is set sometime in the Victorian era in Salem and the (mostly CGI) sets and settings all look spectacularly good.  There is also a semi-Lovecraftian bit about there being tunnels beneath the city which were used long ago by some 'Black Church' of demon-worshippers and this combines with the rat tunnels nicely.  This also had a nice E.C. Comics feel to it and yes, karma here is also a bitch once again.  Excellent, fun episode!  ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Ep. 3 - THE AUTOPSY.  Directed by David Prior who gave us THE EMPTY MAN.  Sheriff Nate Craven (Glynn Turman) has a group of corpses on his hands and calls in his pathologist friend Dr. Carl Winters (F. Murray Abraham) to perform the autopsies in order to figure out exactly what happened.  Obviously the star power in this episode is notched up with these two well-known and terrific actors on hand and they bring absolutely great performances to this one.  The episode is absolutely terrific with not only top notch special effects but also a few genuine scares.  The rundown, makeshift morgue facilities of this tiny, ill-funded police station is absolutely superb set design.  And the spooky atmosphere is ramped up to eleven.  So far, this is the finest episode of the series I've seen (I'm watching them in order) and also features a truly wonderful ending!  ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️,

Ep. 4 - THE OUTSIDE.  Directed by Ana Lily Amirpour who directed A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT.  A little more satirical than previous episodes, this one also manages to be creepy and a little disturbing.  'Ugly Duckling' Stacey (the wonderful Kate Micucci) is constantly ignored by her female co-workers but one day is invited to a 'Secret Santa' party at the luxurious house of one of her co-workers.  Stacey (with everything done to make her unattactive including a 'wall-eye' contact lense in one of her eyes) is a taxidermy hobbyist; she shoots a duck on the wing and stuffs it as a present.  When she arrives at the ridiculously mansion-like home of her host, she learns that everyone has given agreed beforehand to all receive the same gift:  the miracle beauty lotion Alo Glo.  Stacey's taxidermied duck isn't too appreciated but Stacey is gifted her own Alo Glo lotion.  At the encouragement of the other women, Stacey smears it all over her face and neck and promptl breaks out in red rashes.  As she goes home that night and catches an Alo Glo infomercial, the Alo Glo man (Dan Stevens) begins talking directly to Stacey and assures her that the itching and redness mean the lotion is doing it's work and soon she will be transformed into the swan she wants to be.  The Alo Glo is already 'growing' under her skin.  What does that mean?!?!?  We find out in the episode, naturally. This episode has quite a lot to say about people (particularly women) who are cursed with a negative body image.  Stacey's husband Keith (Martin Starr) is one of the most supportive husbands ever and continually tries to make Stacey stop lathering on the Alo Glo because she's perfect as she is and doesn't need any improving.  Sadly, Stacey is convinced by her female co-workers and the creepy Alo Glo Man that she is a frump who must improve her looks.  I also got a sorta echo of THE STUFF where this seemingly sentient white goop takes control of all these women; trade out the addictive ice cream/fluff-like STUFF for the addictive beauty lotion Alo Glo.  This is really the most TWILIGHT ZONE-like episode of this series as well; it really captures the spirit of Rod Serling's classic TV series.  And by the end, it really makes ya think.  Kate Micucci, half of the comedy team Garfunkel & Oates is also known for playing Lucy in several episodes of THE BIG BANG THEORY as well as being the voice of Velma in the Scooby-Doo movies and TV shows in recent years.  The performance of Micucci alone bumps this up an extra half-star.  ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Ep. 5 - PICKMAN'S MODEL.  Directed by Keith Thomas who gave us the FIRESTARTER remake.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here comes ole HPL.  Officially. First of two.  And it breaks my heart to say this is the worst episode I've seen thus far.  There is very little of Howard Phillips' story present here.  That is not a dealbreaker, per se.  I mean, Nutflux did THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE with very little of Shirley Jackson's actual novel present and that is a modern classic.  No, the problem here is that, the Nutflux version of THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE retained the spirit of Jackson while PICKMAN'S MODEL is antithetical to the spirit of Lovecraft.  The changes to the original story seem padding merely to make the running time fit the hour format.  The addition of 'sexy times' is also VERY un-Lovecraftian and doesn't add anything to the episode.  In fact, it merely sets up tired and overly-seen horror tropes which caused me to sigh in disappointment.  All this led to a final 'shock' which could be seen coming a mile away -- because we've seen it a hundred times before -- mostly in multiple variations at the end of E.C. Comics stories.  Usually that would be a plus but this is kinda sorta supposed to be a Lovecraft story and it's soooooo not how anything Lovecraftian would end.  Then there's Crispin Glover's (as Dickie Pickman) . . . shall we say . . . . 'interesting' choice of accent.  Well, at least Glover seems to be having fun with it.  That may be the only fun in an overly dour episode.  And the monster itself . . . the actual titular 'model' . . . . well, it's first appearance as it climbs out of the well is . . . . well, I laughed out loud, honestly.  Scary as a muppet.  It's pretty bad when a 50 year old episode of NIGHT GALLERY did a better adaptation of this story.  Yeah stick to the NIGHT GALLERY version . . . or just read the actual short story. ⭐️⭐️½.

Ep. 6 - DREAMS IN THE WITCH HOUSE.  Directed by Catherine Hardwicke who also directed . . . . oh no . . . . TWILIGHT!!!  Wow, that doesn't bode well, does it.  Well, Lovecraft round two.  And yeah, I kinda feel beat up after the previous one.  The good news is:  this is better.  The bad news is:  not by much.  Rupert Grint stars as the famous Lovecraftian character Walter Gilman and I'm perfectly OK with dat.  Hey, I'm a Rupert Grint booster.  I STILL want him to be the first ginger DOCTOR WHO.  And here he's perfectly respectable as Gilman; although the script makes the character more of a sniveling loser than the original story.  And speaking of the original story -- here again there's precious little of it to be found although the changes, in themselves, are not deal-breakers.  As kids, Walter and his twin sister Epperley are very close and he plays the Skye Boat Song on the piano a lot for her.  I'm not sure if this is what causes her to die but she dies.  He then sees her ghost which is promptly pulled by an unseen forest through some sort of dimensional portal into a spooky forest.  Gilman then spends the rest of his life trying to contact the other side and see his sister again.  He joins spiritualist societies and tries to find spiritualists who can help him; but they all turn out to be charlatans.  And tings go on from dere.  We don't get to the witch house until approximately halfway through the episode and the place is certainly a broken down mess.  Great set but who would realistically stay there?  Well, there's Walter and the artist (Tenika Davis) in the room behind him.  There is the witch Keziah Mason and there is also Brown Jenkin her human-faced rat familiar (typically here misnamed 'Jenkins Brown').  A lot of people seem to have a problem with Keziah's appearance but I thought it was very affective.  Brown Jenkin is kinda silly.  He came off a lot better in the MASTERS OF HORROR episode directed by the late great Stuart Gordon (who knew how to adapt HPL better than anyone I can think of).  So yeah, things are OK until about the final third of the flick when things just get really stupid.  The characterisations are fairly non-existent with Gilman being rather one note and particularly Tenika Davis' character severely underwritten.  Whereas PICKMAN'S MODEL was too long and padded, DREAMS seems like it needed more time to flesh out the characters and provide proper buildup to the rather sudden and perfunctory ending.  Once again, if you want to see a film adaptation of this story, stick to the MASTERS OF HORROR episode.  This one just lacks something.  ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Ep. 7 - THE VIEWING.  Directed by Panos Cosmatos.  You know, of BEYOND THE BLACK RAINBOW and MANDY fame.  This time we're in 1979 where a small group of people are summoned to the spectacular abode of an incredibly rich guy who promises to give them an experience they'll never forget.  No, this is not HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL but there is that same sort of thang going on.  Kudos for casting the great and powerful Peter Weller as rich guy Lionel Lassiter; it warmed this old horror fan's heart.  The rest of the cast isn't really known to me but they were excellent as well:  gifted but cynical author Guy Landon (Steve Agee), genius musician Randall Roth (Eric Andre), astrophysicist Charlotte Xie (Charlyne Yi) and Uri Geller-like psychic Targ Reinhhard (Michael Therriault).  Then there's the mysterious companion to Lassiter Dr. Zahra (Sofia Boutella). The feeling of expectancy is very strong as we, like the four 'guests', are brought into this unbelievably spectacular building of Lassiter's (which was created by an architect you will never have heard of nor ever will) and hear the odd music on Lassiter's sound system (by a composer you will never have heard of nor ever will).  You see, they only create for Lassiter; such is his vast wealth and power.  Lassiter's four guests are slowly prepared with various substances for what they are about to experience:  the 'item'.  What it is we do not know . . . until about the last 10 minutes.  And I'm not sure we even really know then.  The 'item' is never explained but we do 'experience' it.  As do our characters.  As the 'item' is unleashed upon a waiting world.  If all this sounds kinda like a Lovecraft story, you'd be right!  This is the Lovecraftian episode in del Toro's series; not the two ostensibly Lovecraftian adaptations.  Cosmatos ramps up the expectancy of just what it is we are going to see and also flavours it with some creeping dread.  The dread does not overcome our curiosity.  We, like the characters, are highly interested in what we're going to see.  Lassiter has assembled these four because he too doesn't know what the 'item' is and is hoping for insight provided by their expertise in their fields.  And this isn't just a plot contrivance; they really do bring different angles of hypotheses as to what the 'item' could possibly be.  The characters are so well written that we are fascinated by their conversation (which takes up most of the episode).  Naturally, know-nothing-tots with zero attention span will probably be disappointed that the 'scary stuff' doesn't happen until the last ten minutes but this is called building atmosphere and expectation and true horror fans will appreciate it.  True Lovecraft fans, too.  Because this non-Lovecraft story is probably one of the most successful Lovecraftian filmic presentations there is:  fascinating, full of dread and a sense of wonder.  ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Ep. 8 - THE MURMURING.  Directed by Jennifer Kent:  director of THE BABADOOK and THE NIGHTINGALE.  It's October 1951 and ornithologists Nancy and Edgar (Essie Davis and Andrew Lincoln) are making a study of the murmuration of birds -- particularly the dunlin.  This is the strange behaviour of flocking birds when they swarm back and forth in the sky in shifting patterns of thousands of birds that never once bump into each other.  You know the phenomenon.  Sadly, the two lost their infant daughter a year ago and neither one has really healed from that tragedy.  Their ornithological society sends them to an abandoned house on a remote island so that they can study the phenomenon.  Edgar films the bird formations with their new motion picture camera while Nancy records audio on her reel-to-reel.  The couple are left alone on the small island with the caretaker boating ashore once a week with supplies.  The house is fully furnished but abandoned and there are evil rumours about it being haunted by a tragedy that happened decades in the past.  While everything is fine initially, Nancy begins to hear things: a child sobbing, running footsteps, etc.  And then she starts seeing things:  shadows moving out of the corner of her eyes.  These strange occurrences increase while the frayed nerves of Nancy get worse and Edgar becomes more and more concerned and confused.  OK, so what we have here is a masterfully done haunted house story which is probably the scariest episode of the lot.  Jennifer Kent's direction here is, again, masterful and possibly the best she's done to date. And the performances of Essie Davis (ISOLATION and the aforementione THE BABADOOK) and Andrew Lincoln (well, THE WALKING DEAD, of course) are exceptional! I mean, seriously award-worthy.  The entire thing is so gripping -- even before factoring in the ghostie stuff which itself is, well there's that word again, masterfully done.  They truly did save the best for last!  ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️½.     

All in all, GUILLERMO DEL TORO'S CABINET OF CURIOSITIES season one is a winner.  The majority of the episodes are excellent and even the couple not-so-greats ain't terrible.  The sets and cinematography are both exceptional all the way through and the acting is mostly terrific!  If there is a season two, it will be very interesting to see what is to come.

Go, Rupey!  Go, Rupey!  Go, Rupey!

MY GRANDPA IS A VAMPIRE {1991}

 HALLOWEEN LEFTOVERS:  A REALLY SWEET KIDS HALLOWEEN MOVIE WE SO-CALLED GROWN-UPS CAN REALLY ENJOY! 

This New Zealand film also has the alternate title of GRAMPIRE and that's just a terrific play on words!  An American boy named Lonny (Daytime TV Emmy winner Justin Gocke) travels from his home in California to visit his Aunt Leah (Pat Evison) and Grandpa Cooger (Al Lewis) in New Zealand.  Lonny and his friend Kanziora (Milan Borich) are inseparable once there and they also have a great time with Grandpa Cooger who is a ball of fun . . . . if a little unwell,  Before too long, Grandpa Cooger sadly dies and the family holds a funeral.  However, it turns out that Grandpa Cooger isn't really dead after all but a 400 year old vampire.  Initially shocked and terrified, Lonny & Kanziora realize that Grandpa is actually a good vampire who doesn't bite people's necks and drink their blood.  Yeecccccccchhhhhhh!   The boys go on some adventures with Grandpa and all is good until Aunt Leah's boyfriend Ernie (Noel Appleby) becomes convinced there's a vampire around and it's no one else buy Grandpa Cooger.  The boys have to make sure that Grandpa doesn't get staked by the overzealous Ernie.  Hijinks ensue.

MY GRANDPA IS A VAMPIRE is such a sweet film where the kids are actually written AS kids instead of little adults full of quips and sarcasm.  This is truly a film the likes of which we just don't see getting made anymore.  Perhaps it's something of the last of it's kind:  a kids film that doesn't subsist on poop jokes and cynicism which passes for most kids films today.  All right, now I'M sounding like a Grandpa too!  But it's true.  Oddly, this film gave me something of the Rankin/Bass FROSTY THE SNOWMAN vibe and I don't know why.  Maybe because that too features some kids trying to keep Frosty safe from an evil magician trying to steal his magic hat and end the snowman's existence.  But that's really the feeling I get from watching GRAMPIRE.  It's not a fairy tale feeling but more like those Rankin/Bass Christmas specials. And that's kinda the highest praise I can think of.  Al Lewis (ever famous as Grandpa Munster) is firing on all cylinders here. You can tell he loved every minute of making this film and was reportedly thrilled to get the opportunity to fly to New Zealand and make it.  Lewis does look a lot older and frailer than his actual age

but his energy is boundless and he even gives us a nifty dance routine towards the end of the film!  Gocke and Borich, the two boys, are also superb (and again I'm usually NOT a child actor fan).  But here both boys play their parts like actual boys there age with no attempts to be 'cute' or 'adorable' or any of that other crap I can't stand!  Both kids are really charming and Gocke is an excellent cryer; his tears after Grandpa Cooger's supposed death are heart-wrenching!  New Zealand favourites Pat Evison and Noel Appleby are excellent as well; adept at the comedy as well as the serious scenes.  Director David Blyth (who I only know from the horror film DEATH WARMED UP) does a beautiful job here and screenwriter Michael Heath (who wrote NEXT OF KIN {the horror film, that is} and the aforementioned DEATH WARMED UP) really knows how to write believable children as well as how to do a kids movie!  And final mention must be given to the genuine affection and rapport between Al Lewis and the two boys; Gocke and Borich (sounds like a comedy team -- and in a way they are) clearly love interacting with Lewis and ole Al just as clearly adores the two boys.  Justin Gocke (who not only won that Daytime TV Emmy but also appeared in the Farrah Fawcett flick THE BURNING BED) here has his last movie role.  Sadly, he would take his own life in 2014.  But even that sad fact can't diminish the absolute joy I got from this movie!  This is a movie that you can watch really any time of the year but I know I'll be making it a particular Halloweeny-season rewatch for that priceless feel of childhood nostalgia it gave me!   

October 2022 Top 10 List

HERE ARE MY FAVOURITE MOVIES I WATCHED FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN OCTOBER 2022.

1. THE NECRO FILES  {1997}
2. SLAUGHTER DAY  {1991}
3. FEAR NO MORE  {1961}
4. MY GRANDPA IS A VAMPIRE aka GRAMPIRE  {1991}
5. THE COTTAGE  {2008}
6. SHIP OF THE DEAD {1959}
7. INSIDE THE MIND OF A CAT  {2022}
8. THE SCARLET HOUR  {1956}
9. ALIENS, CLOWNS & GEEKS  {2019}
10. THE BEES  {1978}