HELLRAISER {2022}

 "ONCE AGAIN INTO THE REBOOT BREACH."

 

This time it's the new take on Clive Barker's HELLRAISER.  Long story short:  it was OK, I guess.  However, I had some real problems with it.  Too long.  Yeah, certainly.  Tops out at 121 minutes.  And for the slight plot, that was really excessive.  There aren't even really any subplots to justify 2 hours.  There nothing really wrong with the plot; it just doesn't need 2 hours to tell the story.  I liked David Bruckner's THE NIGHT HOUSE quite a lot but here the direction seems to be lacking something.  Oh, and the major flaw with the movie which I can't really excuse:  it's too dark.  I don't mean in subject matter.  I mean, for at least 75% of the movie you can't see a thing that's going on.  It's one of the biggest fallacies in horror movies; make it really dark and people will be scared.  No, if you make it too dark to see what's going on, people will be bored.  When something 'scary' was happening, I was mostly annoyed because I couldn't make out what I was supposed to find 'scary'. 

This picture of Pinhead over there on the right is much better lit than anything in the film.  It's a real shame that the lighting wasn't bumped up slightly because it would've made a real difference.  And I don't mean that facetiously; it really would've made the movie play a lot better and would've increased my rating at least another half star.  No one likes to stare at a totally black screen for much of a movie.  Hollywood take note.  Speaking of the new Pinhead, I quite liked Jamie Clayton's portrayal.  She brought a nicely threatening stillness to the character quite unlike Doug Bradley's iconic and masterful portrayal.  She's no challenge to the greatness of Bradley but, in a pinch, she's perfectly good.  Ditto our lead actress Odessa A'zion as Riley; the actress really brings the grittiness to her drug-addict character.  But yeah, all in all I can't really recommend this one.  It's not that it's bad, it's just not very good either.  It's really kinda bland -- which is REALLY odd for a Hellraiser movie.  They're supposed to be transgressive and such.  Nothing here is transgressive at all.  And that fatal flaw of not being able to see anything that's going on  really sinks this one.    

SPOOKY HOUSE (2002)

 "HELP I HAVE TO PEE I HAVE TO PEE!"

  Now, I haven't seen everything writer/director Williams Sachs has ever done but this must be the best thing he's ever done.  GALAXINA and THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN have their charms and, for we horror nuts, hold a special place in our hearts.  But SPOOKY HOUSE out charms them all. 

A perfect Halloween movie for the kids that won't make the adults roll their eyes and suppress projectile vomiting, SPOOKY HOUSE really is 'fun for the whole family'.  Taking place before and during Halloween, the film starts with a flashback to a magician named Zamboni the Great (Ben Kingsley) performing with his assistant/wife Dawn Starr (Carmen Moore).  While Zamboni performs his patter, Dawn Starr is raised up above the stage inside a giant star.  There is a bigger-than-expected bang and, when Zamboni goes to make her materialize, Dawn is no there.  After the disappearance, Zamboni is suspected of murdering his wife but, without any evidence or corpus delicti, what can one do?  Flash forward 11 years later and Zamboni is living in the 'Spooky House' in town and is known as the 'Spooky Man' that kids (and pretty much all the townspeople) avoid. 

Wearing his glued-on mustache and turban, Zamboni walks his beautiful black jaguar Shadow on a golden chain.  A group of neighbourhood kids are hassled by the three town bullies who are being used by 'Madame Boss' (Mercedes Ruehl) to commit petty crimes.  Among these crimes is the kidnapping of one of the kid's pet goat 'Princess'.  When searching for the goat, the kids find her (really, him) grazing in the Spooky House yard.  Startled, Princess climbs through a basement window causing the children to follow inside where they discover magical artifacts galore among the many spooky rooms.  Zamboni, behind the walls, scares the kids away -- all except the youngest Max (Matt Weinberg) who is more intrigued than scared and has a conversation with the grumpy magician.  Despite Zamboni's long-standing hatred of children, Max slowing grows on the magician.  Soon, Zamboni and the kids join forces against the Boss and her bullies.  

Loaded with Halloween atmosphere, beautifully shot with spectacular sets in the 'Spooky House', I can see myself watching this EVERY October!  I am sooooooooooo not a fan of child actors (as I've said ad nauseum on this blog) but here is another example of kids that are not sickening sweet but behave like real kids.  I actually like them!  As I said before, the film is a fun watch for adults as well as kids.  It doesn't hurt to have not one but TWO Oscar winners heading the cast either.  It's not a perfect film; the use of some early-2000s pop songs does not help at all and actually take you out of the Halloween atmosphere so expertly conjured in the rest of the movie.  Thankfully, these songs are infrequent but they ARE rather insipid.  Not bad enough to ruin the movie, though.  Also, the movie goes on a little too long and the denouement does drag quite a bit.  I've never, ever heard of this film until this year; which is really odd since pretty much all of the ratings I've seen give this 3 1/2 to 4 stars.  How can I never have heard of this film in the last 20 years?!?!?!  It's beyond me.  But I've heard of it now.  And seen it.  And it's great fun. 

LIGHTS OUT - DEAD MAN'S COAT {1951}

THE ORIGINAL RADIO SERIES "LIGHTS OUT, EVERYBODY" BY ARCH OBOLER IS A CLASSIC WITH MANY, MANY EXCELLENT EPISODES TO HEAR. 

The late 40's-early 50's TV show LIGHTS OUT is not so stellar featuring many inherent difficulties of which early "recorded live" TV shows fell afoul.  So it might be preferable to have some poor slob watch a lot of episodes so they could steer you towards the ones that hold up as entertaining today.  You're welcome.  This particular episode entitled "DEAD MAN'S COAT" originally aired on May 14th, 1951.  It takes as its premise an old legend that (we are told) if you dig up a dead man's coffin and put on the corpse's coat, you will gain the power of invisibility.  This is actually info-dumped rather nicely to the audience by having Frank Gallop's disembodied head intro the show (as he always did) but the camera then pulls back and we see it on the television set belonging to nasty ole rich guy Mr. Francis (played with real nastiness by William Post Jr.).  Francis is actually watching the LIGHTS OUT programme on his TV set!  Talk about pre-pre-PRE-meta!  Francis asks his long-put-upon butler Gregory (the incomparable Basil Rathbone) if he thinks that old legend is bullshit and Gregory's not too sure.  Naturally, Francis decides to dig up a recently dead acquaintance (actually to make GREGORY do all the manual digging) and try out the coat.  Because well what horrible things could Francis do to all his enemies if he was invisible!  Gregory is plainly terrified at the prospect but does as he's told.  Francis dons the coat and promptly disappears into invisibility.  Don't worry; he still makes Gregory fill in the grave.  And yes, that is a stray stagehand who gets caught on camera during the digging of the grave scene; hilariously right after a line reading that there's no one around for miles!  Mr. Francis next decides to force Gregory to visit another of his foes Mr. Hamilton (Norman Rose) in the man's office; tagging along in an invisible state in order to kill the man.  Francis plans to continue on his 'reign of terror' (to quote another Invisible Man) but things don't turn out exactly as planned.

"DEAD MAN'S COAT" still suffers from the buuilt-in problems with early television in that there appears to be very little rehearsal time before the actors went live.  Rathbone particularly seems to be having some pauses while he waits to deliver his lines; however, Basil is still wonderfully sympathetic in the role and brings all his talent to it.  This brings us to William Post Jr. who, as I've said, is really going for the 'scumbag nasty bastard' award.  Several times he manhandles Rathbone so realistically that I actually cringed a couple times!  Post is really going for it and Rathbone really sells the physical abuse.  Post is an actor I'm not really familiar with but he appeared in supporting movie roles (starting with his first role in the Charlie Chan movie THE BLACK CAMEL as well as SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE SECRET WEAPON alongside Basil himself).  Around the time of this LIGHTS OUT episode, Post appears to have segued into television work for the rest of his career.  Post's performance here isn't of the 'mustache-twirling villain' variety but realistically nasty.  Whatever just desserts Mr. Francis receives at the end of this episode, is too good for him! While no classic, this episode of LIGHTS OUT is most certainly one of the best of them and, if you can overlook the primitiveness of the production, there are quite a few things to enjoy here!

Creepy Classics (1987)

CREEPY CLASSICS [1987]

 THIS IS A REAL TRIP IN THE WAYBACK MACHINE. 

I'm pretty sure I ran out and got this video the very day it first went on sale in October 1987 for the Halloween season!  You had to go to an actual Hallmark Store to get it (no there was no internet, Know-Nothing Tots) and I hopped in my copper-coloured 1975 Ford Granada and trucked on down. 

At 30 minutes, this is admittedly just a glorified trailer compilation but it's hosted by the legendary Vincent Price; making it a cut (and slash) above all the rest.  Vinnie is seated in a movie theatre (serve me up some of that hot bloodied popcorn!!!) and acts as our guide while various horror movie trailers (as well as many actual scenes from the films themselves) are projected up on the silver screen.  There is nice running joke throughout the video (yes, this was VHS) that utilizes the 'Disembodied Hand' segment of DR. TERROR'S HOUSE OF HORRORS {1965}.  Evenly spaced throughout the video are clips featuring Christopher Lee being tormented by the crawling hand; Vinnie keeps checking back in with Christopher to see how he's managing against the creepy crawler.  Vinnie treats us to clips from HORRORS OF THE BLACK MUSEUM, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF, Roger Corman's THE RAVEN, THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM, and the original INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS.  Trailers shown include THE BLOB, Corman's THE RAVEN (again), MACABRE, WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST and ATTACK OF THE PUPPET PEOPLE, DINOSAURUS and  THE DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS.  CREEPY CLASSICS is designed to play before you begin your horror movie marathon session as something of an appetizer.  As Vinnie says at the end of the video:  "Well, our feature presentation is about to begin.  I hope you've enjoyed our chilling little chat as much as I have.  There's nothing like a good shiver to bring people closer.  So why not pop a little popcorn, turn out the lights and enjoy an eerie movie soon.  Just make sure there's a hand nearby to hold . . . . preferably with a live body attached to it!"    

WEREWOLF BY NIGHT {2022}

 DISNEY/MARVEL GIVES US A HALLOWEEN TREAT. 

Billed as a "Halloween Special", the one hour WEREWOLF BY NIGHT brings us back to the era when we kiddies could look forward to Halloween TV specials being aired a la IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN or A GARFIELD HALLOWEEN SPECIAL.  So why exactly isn't the new WEREWOLF BY NIGHT sponsored by Dolly Madison?!?!?!?!  Missed opportunity there!  I went into this blind and it's not quite what I was expecting.  It's not really a werewolf movie at all; it's really a Marvel superhero movie.  With some monsters running around.  This is not a slam but I just thought I'd prepare you if you were expecting a monster movie.  The plot revolves around a group of monster hunters meeting at Castle Bloodstone (I expected to find Radu there!!!  Where's Radu?!?!?  Oh, different company) because their leader has kicked the casket.  All the monster hunters then enter into a competition to find a magical doo-dad which I guess will bestow upon them the leadership.  Or something like that.   

The dead leader's estranged daughter Elsa (Laura Donnelly) is competing as she is also a monster hunter.  And, of course, because of the name of this movie, our old Marvel Comics friend Jack Russell (woof woof) is there as well.  Jack Russell, in case any of you poozers never read the comic books, is the alter ego of the titular "Werewolf By Night".  I guess which one of the hunters is Jack is supposed to be something of a spoiler since he isn't revealed by name until halfway through the movie so I won't mention who plays him.  But it's a pretty open secret.  And also, some odd casting for us old 1970's comic book readers.  Also, it's not much of a spoiler (since you can see him up there on the movie poster) that a certain muck-encrusted monstrosity shows up too.  That was super cool.  Another nice touch is the opening title card looks like this is an old 1940's Universal flick (yes, th entire movie is in black & white). The actual movie itself is OK but nothing spectacular.  I had a little trouble paying attention to all these monster hunter characters which go unnamed all through the movie and don't correspond to any Marvel comics characters that I know of.  The fact is, the middle section lags quite a bit and things don't pick up until Jack transforms into his furry self.  But all in all, an OK watch and a nice surprise to get for this Halloween season.

THE LAST MATINEE {2020}

 EYE REALLY ENJOYED M-EYE-SELF WITH THIS ONE! 

1993 Montevideo, Uruguay in the pouring rain.  Guy sits in his car and gets out a big jar of pickled eggs.  But they're not eggs.  They're eyeballs.  Guy eats an eyeball.  Num num nummers.  Guy loads up his red duffel bag and goes into the CineOpera movie theatre before the final matinee showing of the night begins.  Ana, an engineering student, goes to visit her projectionist grandfather at the end of his shift but his relief projectionist has bailed and he will have to work straight through.  Gramps has a bad cold so Ana calls him a cab and sends him home; she will operate the projector in his place which she does her studying in the projection booth.  A handful of people slowly occupy seats in the audience including a kid who is hiding so he won't be thrown out of the 'adults only' horror movie:  'FRANKENSTEIN:  DAY OF THE BEAST'.   Guy with the red duffel bag and the jar of pickled eyeballs starts knocking off the audience members. 

This fun Uruguayan/Argentinian co-production doesn't bring much new to the slasher genre except, perhaps, being really really good at creating characters we care about/are interested in before they start getting bumped off.  Each character in the audience is deftly drawn within the first 20 minutes or so of the film and we know who each of them is; as opposed to the often cookie-cutter bland anonymousness of many slasher film victims.  In fact, if there were no mad killer on the loose in the theatre, I would STILL want to watch a movie featuring these characters just talking and doing stuff for 2 hours!  That being said, I have a tremendous amount of goodwill for this movie and it's obvious affection for past slasher films and horror movies (particularly Lamberto Bava's DEMONS of which THE LAST MATINEE is reminiscent in it's 'horror film set in a movie theatre' vibe).  The film the audience is watching is funnily enough an actual horror film 'FRANKENSTEIN:  DAY OF THE BEAST {2011} directed by Ricardo Islas. 

It's quite a hoot to find out that Islas is himself playing the role of the Asesino Comeojos (Eye-Eater Assassin) in THE LAST MATINEE!!!  Besides Islas' fantastic performance, two other stand-outs are our heroine Ana (Lu Grasso) and audience member Angela (Julieta Spinelli) who both give top-notch performances.  The direction by Maximiliano Contenti is, for the most part, really good but he has a tendency to let some scenes drag on for longer than they should.  And by the final third of the film when those who survive up to that point (no spoilers) do things which any semi-conscious person would never do and waste much too much time talking than running or calling the police or arming themselves etc.  However, this in itself might be an homage to all those 80's slasher films in which victims did exactly the same sort of stuff.  So, I can't really fault it.  I probably rate this film higher than I should but it's just so damn charming and enjoyable that I can't help myself.  Oh, and at the beginning of the film when a kid is coming down the stairs and spills his bag of jaw breakers so that they tumble down the steps is a huge foreshadowing for what happens at the end of the film.  I won't say any more but I'll bet you can guess!  For those who know this film, it's the most-remembered scene.  So that makes TWO films during the Halloween Countdown that feature jaw breakers prominently (I refer you to my MARTIN post below).  THE LAST MATINEE is a welcome addition to my October viewing and I kinda loved it. 

And yes, the terrific Vinegar Syndrome blu ray also includes the complete feature film of FRANKENSTEIN: DAY OF THE BEAST as an extra feature! 

The Hypnotic Eye - Beatnik Clip

TRICK OR TREAT, SCOOBY-DOO! {2022}

 "C'MON!  FREDDIE NEEDS A BRAND NEW ASCOT!" 

This year's brand-new Scooby-Doo movie finds our 'heroes' in Mystery Incorporated putting themselves out of business.  The gang puts clues together that lead them to believe that all their past villains all got their monster costumes from the same place:  the Coco Diablo garment factory.  When they trap Coco Diablo into revealing herself as the mastermind behind all the monsters' costumes, Mystery Inc. and the Coolsville Sheriff's Dept. lock Coco in the Coolsville Penitentiary.  Unfortunately, with Coco Diablo in prison, Mystery Inc. has no more mysteries to solve since no one can obtain monster costumes anymore.  The gang is left with boring cases involving tax evasion, plugged bathtub drains and getting cats out of trees.  Freddie especially is taking the lack of exciting mysteries very hard.  Desperately trying to drum up a mystery, the gang sets up a kiosk at a local fair and are suddenly attacked by a ghost named Nefario.  At first believing Coco Diablo is behind the monster attack, they find the designer still locked up in prison.  Mystery Inc. and Coco Diablo (and her sidekick black cat Esteban) team up to track down what's behind this mystery.

Unlike last year's masterpiece HAPPY HALLOWEEN, SCOOBY-DOO! (which I covered in last year's Countdown to Halloween), TRICK OR TREAT, SCOOBY-DOO! doesn't have very much Halloween atmosphere and would play equally as well at any time of year -- not just on Halloween.  Shaggy and Scooby are all set to go trick-or-treating (in their matching Jack O'Lantern costumes) when this new mystery comes along and the duo is desperate to solve the case before sundown so they can go get candy!  But most of the movie doesn't deal directly with anything Halloween (which is not a criticism just an observation).  The neat twist of Mystery Inc. torpedoing their own mystery-solving career is clever and the story is quite fun with a lot of great comedy as well.  The style of animation is more simplistic this go-around, resembling more the old Saturday morning cartoon but this is actually very appropriate.  We get to see a handful of previous Scooby-Doo classic villains so the new animation matches the old. 

Of course, the buzz about this movie is all about Velma finally being openly gay.  The nice thing is that the film doesn't make a big deal about it with no one in Mystery Inc. making a big deal about it and treating it as a perfectly normal part of Velma's character.  Because it is.  Velma simply develops a crush on Coco Diablo when she first meets her and that's all there is to that.  No soapbox shouting.  Just a perfectly normal aspect of Velma's character.  And I think it was very nicely done.  Daphne even gives Velma advice on how to try to impress Coco and it's all rather cute and lovingly done.  The actual trick-or-treating doesn't occur until an hour into the movie but that's also done in a fun way.  Prisoners from previous Scooby-Doo mysteries escape from the penitentiary and the Mystery Inc. gang get to go after them wearing their old monster costumes!  Another great touch!  Freddie in the Knight suit, Velma in Captain Cutler's glowing scuba suit, etc.  While not matching the previous HAPPY HALLOWEEN, SCOOBY-DOO movie (I just love that one all to pieces), TRICK OR TREAT, SCOOBY-DOO! is almost as good in combining a strong retro feel with some original plot points.  I'll be watching this one again.  

AND P.S. . . .At the end of the film, when all the gang is donning monster costumes from previous SCOOBY-DOO adventures, Coco's wonderful black cat Esteban actually briefly dons a Miner  49'er costume!!!!!  

BOG {1979}

 "JUST GOTTA CATCH HIM BEFORE HE INFUSES HER!" 

Now "BOG" is an easy target.  Our friendly neighbourhood wiki page notes how Leonard Maltin rated it a 'bomb' while John Kenneth Muir said "They don't make movies like BOG anymore and we can all be grateful for that."  And yes, BOG is a terrible movie poorly directed and acted (even by those old pro's in the film who give it the old college try but are stymied by the inept direction of Don Keeslar (whose only other credit is a 1982 Grizzly Adams flick long after the heyday of THAT show).  As I've said a million times, I try to look on the positive side of everything I review but yes, sadly, Don Keeslar isn't much of a director.  I'm sure he was kind to his mother but filmmaking just wasn't his thing.  Having said that, my life would be all the poorer without the existence of BOG!  Another of those films annoyingly referred to as 'so-bad-it's-good', BOG was, to me anyway, immensely entertaining.  No money was spent on it, practically no talent was utilized on it but nevertheless BOG kept me watching through it's (ridiculously long) 90 minute running time and I just had a hell of a good time with it.  

Dopey redneck goes fishing in 'Bog Lake' (naturally) by throwing sticks of dynamite into the water.  This apparently 'wakes up' some sort of 'bog creature' that was lying dormant.  Or something.  Anyway, dopey redneck is attacked and exsanguinated by the monster.  Next, two hilariously-bickering couples turn up at the lake on a fishing trip.  They find dopey redneck's boat abandoned on the shore of the lake and, without much concern about why an abandoned boat filled with fishing gear is just . . . there . . . decide to use it to go fishing.  (What were they going to do to go fishing BEFORE they find this boat?  Whistle and hope the fish would jump up on shore???).  Naturally the Bud-drinking husbands wander off and leave their wives to get killed by the Bog Creature.  This is a shame because the wives were much more fun and interesting characters and the husbands don't bring anything else to the rest of the movie other than to demand the local sheriff do something about it. 

The Sheriff brings in the local 'sawbones' and the local 'biologist' who discover that some creature apparently inserted a spine/stinger (made of a strange combination of animal and mineral) down the throat and straight to the aorta of the victim and drained all their blood.  SIDEBAR:  it seems that most descriptions of this movie state that the bog monster only attacks women.  This is plainly not true as several victims (including the dopey redneck) happen to be male.  It's not like the Bog Creature sees a man and says "no thanks, bud, I'll wait for the next female to come along".  When the monster is hungry, he doesn't care what sex you are before he makes you into his personal sippy cup.  

The movie goes on its way in much the manner you'd think with the monster picking off victims and the townspeople trying to stop it. There's some talk about the bog creature being some sort of prehistoric beast that was trapped in the lake by the creeping glaciers of the last ice age.  There's an old witch named Adrianna living deep in the bog/forest who is not harmed by the monster because she had her blood somehow 'enfused' with the bog creature's blood.  Or something.  None of this really matters much because who's looking for logical explanations in a movie like this.  If you're going into a movie like this expecting anything other than a 'lunchtime production*', you're kinda dopier than that redneck in the boat throwing dynamite.  We know it's gonna be inept trash but is it fun trash?  Yes, it is.  The 1970's look and feel is almost palpable and makes BOG seem like it was made waaaaaaaaay before 1979.  The ridiculous $1.98 bog creature costume is (wisely) kept in the shadows until the very end of the film and, even then, we aren't given that clear a look at the thing. 

The cast is people by unknowns who probably aren't even professional actors except for the inclusion of the quartet of old pros who make the whole movie worthwhile.  Kesslar (or whomever cast the film) went to the trouble of getting 4 old times who, no doubt were pretty hard up by this time, but still give it their all AS IF they were in an real movie.  Our biologist Ginny is played by former MGM star/singer Gloria DeHaven (from MGM musicals such as SUMMER STOCK and my favourite THREE LITTLE WORDS in which she actually plays her mother Mrs. Carter DeHaven and sings "Who's Sorry Now").  The town doctor Brad Wednesday (!) is played by veteran monster-fighter Marshall Thompson (IT! THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE and FIEND WITHOUT A FACE).  Thompson's inclusion in the cast is a nice easter egg to us monster fans.  The exasperated Sheriff Neal is played by hunk of beef Aldo Ray (looking semi-unwell and taking pretty much anything he could get by this point in his career). 

And popping up only around the final reel is granite-faced Leo Gordon (in everything from RIOT IN CELL BLOCK 11 and Hitchcock's second THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH to Corman's THE RAVEN and THE HAUNTED PALACE).  All 4 of these veteran actors play it completely straight without making themselves look bad; it's only the inept directing and editing which usually lingers long after the scene should've been cut which looks bad.  A tiny little spoiler here:  the old witch/hag Adrianna is actually played by Gloria DeHaven under heavy old-age makeup which is actually pretty good.  Oh, but there's that cringiest of cringe-inducing love scene between Thompson and DeHaven which is absolutely the most seat-squirming, uncomfortable thing I've ever seen in my life.  Why oh why did Keeslar keep that scene in the picture?!?!?!  That is definitely a scene that could be cut from the film's overlong 90 minutes!!!  So anyway, that's BOG and I had a rip-roaring good time with it!  

THE HAUNTING {1999}

 A HALLOWEEN ADVENTURE IN A REWATCH! 

At the end of July 1999, I entered the Marlton AMC theatre to watch the new remake of the classic 1963 THE HAUNTING.  Now, the original is one of my favourite films. . . . . .period.  Not only horror films, but of all films.  So I consciously went into the remake with the intention of not comparing it to the original movie at all; this was just a new haunted house movie and that's how I would look at it.  There was no way ANYTHING could compare to the original so I would not compare them either.  So I didn't.  I watched the remake with all the objectivity I could muster.  And I hated it.  It was absolutely terrible.  A steaming turd of a movie.  Jan de Bont  (the director of TWISTER and SPEED as it says up there on the poster) is not the kind of director suited to a haunted house movie.  He is utterly suited to those kind of rollercoaster rides but not to a haunted house movie which requires atmosphere and a buildup of suspense.  Lili Tayler, an actor whom I usually like quite a lot, was (in my humble) absolutely atrocious in the role of Nell; giving some absolutely terrible line readings.  Granted, most of the lines she was given to say were terrible and I don't know if ANY actor could've spoken them with conviction.  The late nineties CGI was, admittedly, laughably bad; even for the time.  It was laughably bad in 1999.  The entire movie was so dumbed down and obvious that it was also laughable.  More like a comedy.  No one could possibly take this movie seriously.  And I was quite sure that I would never EVER watch it again.

Then came a conversation I had a few weeks ago with my co-worker Zippy who likes the remake.  Naw, I said, it's a steaming turd.  Just awful!  And then, about a week ago, I saw a review of the remake by someone I follow on Letterboxd.  She told how when she saw THE HAUNTING back in 1999 she hated it; basically had the same reaction as I did.  But rewatching it recently, she enjoyed it.  It was still terrible but it was a fun ride.  Now, when 2 people randomly bring up the same film from 1999 within a week or two of each other, it seems like the universe is trying to tell me something.  So I scored myself a cheapo used DVD of the remake and sat myself down for a rewatch.

Pray for me.

AFTER THE REWATCH:  So here I sit.  Having rewatched THE HAUNTING (1999).  Have I changed my mind about all my conclusions about the remake I originally had back in 1999?  Well, no.  Of course not.  This is a stupid movie.  Badly written and badly acted (with Lili Taylor and Owen Wilson taking the ultimate thespic raspberries).  Liam Neeson looks kinda confused throughout the movie (kinda like he did in STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM SCREENPLAY the same year) while Catherine Zeta-Jones actually gives the best acting performance here; she actually gives a performance like she's in a real, serious movie.  The direction by Jan de Bont is lacks any kind of scary atmosphere at all and most of the "scares" elicit laughter.  And while low-budget movies with dodgy special effects I can forgive and ignore, I have much less tolerance for big budget Hollywood blockbusters with such laughably bad CGI effects as we have on display here!  There is probably 5% of the actual original Shirley Jackson novel in this remake; most of the story and events have been drastically changed.  And not for the better.  All in all, this is one dopey Hollywood product.  

But having said all that (and I stand by it), I did find myself enjoying the rewatch.  This IS dopey Hollywood product with absolutely no nutritional value; cinematic junk food.  Of course, it's laughable.  In 1999, I could not laugh but in 2022 I can let myself chuckle at the trashy junkiness of the thing.  And . . . I mean . . . . the set decoration looks really good.  It's true there is absolutely no comparison between this movie and the original Robert Wise film OR the Shirley Jackson story.  THE HAUNTING (1999) is not at all a haunted house movie like THE HAUNTING (1963) or THE INNOCENTS or THE UNINVITED or THE CHANGELING etc. etc. etc.  It's more like a haunted house movie like HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (1959) although, of course, nowhere near as good.  It IS a rollercoaster ride by Jan de Bont with all the subtlety of an actual amusement park rollercoaster i.e. zero subtlety at all.  That's not the goal here.  The script is full of terrible dialogue and the story is full of dopey ideas.  So we might as well get a director who specializes in runaway buses and rampaging tornadoes to pump some life into this remake since it's not gonna succeed on the usual haunted house tropes and atmosphere.  I think the real giveaway with this movie is when the end credits begin; the soundtrack music by Jerry Goldsmith is stereotypical circus music.  This is an amusement park ride not a horror movie.  So yeah, I could enjoy the rewatch as a dopey, silly movie that's more akin to cotton candy than anything else.  I think the major misstep at the time of the remake's release can be seen in the "making of" mini-documentary found in the DVD's special features.  At the time, the movie was marketed as a serious i.e. scary horror movie and took itself completely seriously.  Which is not the movie we have here.  This mini-doc (which would've been seen on HBO or whatever other pay channel that was going to show it at the time) has Liam Neeson quoting Fitzgerald's "deep dark night of the soul" while Catherine Zeta-Jones strolls out and says how "it was such a privilege to work with these wonderful actors"; like she's just made a film version of HAMLET or summit.  No, the film the studio had was silly and not scary at all and should've been marketed that way.  Not as a comedy, no, but as an amusement park thrill ride.  Maybe then, the remake wouldn't have pissed off so many people at the time.  So yeah, as Melissa on Letterboxd quite accurately says:  her (and my) original opinion of the movie and our revised opinions after a rewatch are BOTH correct.  It IS garbage . . . . but it was kinda fun after a rewatch.      

MARTIN {1977}

 "YOU HAVE TO REALLY STAY CALM WHEN THAT HAPPENS.  YOU JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT THE ONES THAT ARE AFTER YOU ARE NEVER CALM."

  OK, where the hell is the new blu ray edition of this?!?!?!  This is one of those horror classics which has been out of print without a snazzy new release for vampire bat's years, am I right?  George A. Romero's vampiric (or not) lead-up to DAWN OF THE DEAD is no stepping stone; no footnote in the director's string of films.  MARTIN is a bona fide classic. 

The performance by 'introducing' John Amplas is one of the super duper acting jobs of the seventies.  How does he manage to be so adorable -- like a puppy -- well, a blood-drinking puppy --- who's just so cute.  Is it wrong that I rooted for Martin throughout the whole movie?  Anything 70's has a bat-leg up with me and Romero captures the decade's look and feel expertly.  Martin picking up a lot of scattered jawbreaker candies off of a brown shag carpet.  I mean, how awesome is that?!?!?!  That shot alone just really does it for me.  I know I'm weird (and so is Martin) but 70's RULE! 

There is also an almost tactile grittiness to the film stock (and the actual goings on) which makes me feel like I'm sitting in some grindhouse theatre in 1977.  Superb!  That opening scene is, I think, just brilliant and sets up the film exactly how it will go on.  Martin setting up his syringe (and iconically putting it in his mouth) as he goes into the woman's compartment.  The black-and-white sequence where Martin is fantasizing a romantic, gothic scene as he confronts the woman in a flowing white negligee (or else maybe this is a flashback . . . we're never certain).  Then the reality as he pick the lock and enters the woman's compartment where he hears her in the bathroom, the toilet flush, the glimpse as she emerges with the greasy face cream, the nose blow. 

Flashback or fantasy, this is definitely what poor Martin is searching for but instead he gets the ugly, gritty reality.  It's stated by Dr. Kuda as well as others that Martin is what you'd call slow.  He appears to be in his interactions with people.  But is he really?  I really don't think so.  Painfully shy and socially awkward as hell but just watch how Martin goes about his entry into the woman's house and, when he discovers she's got an unexpected lover there, just watch the lightning-quick problem-solving Martin accomplishes.  Martin seems to me to be as sharp as his needles!  Towards this point, I refer you to the scene towards the end when Martin startles his (let's face it, buffoonish) cousin Dr. Cuda by jumping out at him wearing a Dracula costume with cape and plastic fangs.  Cuda cowers shaking his rosary beads at Martin.  Martin just laughs, takes out his fake teeth and tells him:  "It's only a costume.  It's only a costume."  Is Martin's 'dimwit' act 'just a costume' he puts on as well?  Could he actually be a century old vampire as Cuda accuses Martin of being???  The look on John Amplas' face -- a look I can't even find the words to describe accurately -- says volumes for me yet without vamp-splaning where the truth lies.  Martin is an enigma and that's how he will remain.

  

NIGHT OF THE DEMON {1980}

 NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL A REAL GRINDHOUSE MOVIE!

 

Debatably the Bigfoot movie to end all Bigfoot movies, this 1980 absolute freakin' gem directed by James C. Wasson (with absolutely no skill), written by Mike Williams and Jim L. Ball (with absolutely no skill) and acted by a cast (with absolutely no skill) is one of the best movie-watching experiences you'll ever have!!!  I mean seriously.  Pretty much from the first scene, NIGHT OF THE DEMON is more fun than a barrel of Sasquatch.  College Professor Nugent and his class of knuckleheads go out to the woods where a whole bunch of people have been recently killed (not a bright idea whether or not there's an actual Bigfoot out there - - I mean, SOMETHING or SOMEONE is killing these people so maybe it's not a very good idea for a camping trip!). 

There's really no suspense because right at the beginning of the movie we see Prof. Nugent in a hospital bed with the bottom half of his face bandaged while Dr. Paxton and Police Inspector Slack (Priceless name right there!) discuss how the Prof is the only survivor of the group.  Despite losing half his face, Prof. Nugent seems downright happy to relate the story of what happened in flashback.  Also frequently during this flashback, Prof. Nugent causes a second-level flashback when he tell his students the story of each of the people who were killed earlier by the alleged Bigfoot.  See, NIGHT OF THE DEMON is a many-layered onion of a movie so don't scoff! 

When the Prof tells each killing story, we cut to actual see each one.  The class is also told by some locals that there's a reclusive Crazy Wanda who lives deep in the woods who was ostracized because she had an illegitimate baby and whose father ran a local devil worshipping cult that worshipped Bigfoot . . . although in a later flashback of Crazy Wanda's story her father is actually a bible-thumping religious nut who ostracizes his own daughter because she got pregnant from Bigfoot.  And by the by, while Bigfoot is doing the nasty with Wanda, her father is watching from the front porch with shotgun in hand

. . . . and does nothing except call Wanda a tramp who 'deserves it'.  He could've like . . . oh, I dunno. . . . shot Bigfoot in the head to stop him from boinking his daughter.  Maybe.  Ya think?  

Every single thing our cast of (human) character does makes absolutely no sense (by internal logic in the movie itself OR by objective logic from the viewer).  I found myself saying "Why would they DO that?!?!?" almost every 5 minutes.   But this, of course, is what makes NIGHT OF THE DEMON such an entertaining powerhouse.  Oh, but I haven't even mentioned the kills.  Ohhhhhh, the kills!  Every single kill in the movie . . . and I mean every one without exception . . . is absolutely hilarious.  The first real kill is a flashback of a couple boinking in a van and I cannot describe how absolutely magnificent this scene is.  I mean, I don't often laugh out loud while watching a movie but I was rolling during this scene.  No description can do it justice. You just have to see it.  From the utter stupidness of the way the sex scene itself is played out to the absolute goofiness of the Bigfoot attack itself to the stunningly bad-acting of the nekkid woman as she reacts (pricelessly)

all the way to the terrible direction with lingers much too long on several shots both of the guy and the goil.  And this is only the first of a litany of absolutely magical, hilarious kills throughout the entire film.  I mean, right to the end each kill is hilarious.  Now that's a hell of a batting average.  There's that absolutely priceless 'sleeping bag kill'; if you think Jason's sleeping bag kill was fantastic, wait'll you see THIS one!  Oh wait, and then there's the 'penis yanking scene' when a biker stops to take a leak.  Yep, ole Bigfoot reaches right out from the bushes and grabs ahold of that sucker and . . . . well, you REALLY need to see this film!

Anyone watching NIGHT OF THE DEMON and doesn't have the greatest time of their life is frankly missing the whole point of the movie and the angels shall weep for them.  Really. Possibly the most fun I've had watching a movie during this whole Halloween Countdown!

Oh.  And it's also GREAT to know, via Nick Cato's marvelous SUBURBAN GRINDHOUSE book that NIGHT OF THE DEMON played on a double feature with the giant rat movie OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN (another fave) at the Staten Island Amboy Twin Theatre circa 1983.

THE TERRORNAUTS {1967}

 "SQUIRTED THROUGH SPACE LIKE A BBC BROADCAST!"

  Amicus was pretty expert in the art of the horror film portmanteau/omnibus movie; horror really was their meat & potatoes.  Their few excursions into melding horror with science fiction were less successful.  From the Peter Cushing Doctor Who films to the same year's THEY CAME FROM BEYOND SPACE (admittedly a favourite of mine), Amicus made sci-fi horror movies that were very odd and particularly juvenile.  Today's example:  THE TERRORNAUTS - - practically screaming the era in which it was made; the candy-coloured 1967 where swinging London was the center of world culture.  Based on the 1960 Avon paperback "THE WAILING ASTEROID" by Murray Leinster, the plot concerns Project Startalk headed by Dr. Joe Burke (Simon Oates) assisted by Sandy Lund (Bond girl Zena Marshall) and Ben Keller (Stanley Meadows) which is attempting to detect communication from alien life forms (sort of a swingin' sixties SETI).  The radio telescope complex in which Project Startalk is located is run by the crotchety Dr. Shore (Max Adrian at his most unpleasantly nasty) who keeps threatening to pull their funding because what they're doing is stupid nanny nanny boo boo!  Shore gives the team 3 months to find something before he pulls the plug. 

Of course, almost immediately the team receives a transmission that sounds very much like it's produced by intelligent life.  Shortly, an alien spacecraft levitates the Project Startalk building up into space; unfortunately for them an accountant/auditor Mr. Yellowlees (Charles Hawtrey) and tea lady Mrs. Jones (Patricia Hayes) happened to be in the building when the liftoff took place!  Our heroes are transported to the asteroid belt to Asteroid M-387 (at least that's what it's called in the book) and find a deserted space outpost manned by some clunky robots which looks like they were made by children on a  Blue Peter episode.  Sorta like Doctor Who's Krotons only a lot less well-made (!).   Burke discovers that if he takes one of the hundreds of black cubes with a funnel on top and plugs it into a shower cap with wires attached to it, he can 'channel' a recording left by the late owners of the place.  Because one does.  Through this device, we learn that the outpost was created by the Schmendricks (ok that's NOT their names but I don't recall them being named at all) or the good aliens are at war with the baaaaaaaaaaaaaad aliens (let's call them the . . . . oh, I don't know . . .  the Terrornauts) who have vowed to destroy not only the goody aliens but any other life form which is like them.  Cats and kittens . . . . human beings are like them.  The goodies left these space outposts all around the universe so that, if the Terrornauts are ever detected approaching, the automated station will contact those nearby and aid them in fighting them off.  Long story short:  Terrornauts be coming . . . . Earthlings better fight.  Before the baddies arrive, some hijinx involving a teleportation device that Sandy accidentally falls on (bumped by clumsy-arse Ben) and is transported down to an alien planet which is very rock and looks like a quarry.  Think Doctor Who: The Sontaran Experiment.  Yep, for us Whovians it's nothing more nor less than a transmat.  Anyway, Sandy is grabbed (within about 5 seconds) by a bunch of blue-skinned aliens who immediately throw her on an altar and attempt to sacrifice her with a knife. 

Joe transmats down to the planet (not before arming himself with an alien pistol) and rescues her; the pair transmat back up to the space outpost.  A chevron of Terrornaut spaceships approach and, aided by those black boxes and shower caps, our heroes are able to fire missiles and blow up the attacking craft. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.  Our heroes then transmat down to . . . . well, France.  And since they don't have their passports on them, they are arrested by a French copper.  The last line of the film is given to Patricia Hayes as they are being escorted to jail:  "Never DID think much of foreign parts!"

I have no evidence to support this but THE TERRORNAUTS just could not have been meant for anything other than a children's matinee audience.  It's all silly to the max and seems to me to be deliberately aimed at the under 10 set.  The references I've made to early DOCTOR WHO are in fact very appropriate except for the fact that the special effects/props in THE TERRORNAUTS are much MUCH lower quality than anything seen in the sixties DOCTOR WHO.  In fact, they're even less convincing than those used in the 1930's FLASH GORDON serials!  No scary menace is to be had; things are kept young kid friendly.  And the presence of the comedy whizzes that are Charles Hawtrey and Patricia Hayes keep things even lighter.  The attempted knife sacrifice is kept pretty shock-free and there's nothing during the whole length of the movie which would scar a young'un.  In fact, the whole proceedings seems about one step up from a Christmas pantomime.  That being said, only a grinch would find fault with such a film as THE TERRORNAUTS on the grounds that it's inept or silly because I'm pretty sure that's what they were going for.  Incidentally, this was Zena Marshall's final film.  I don't know if THE TERRORNAUTS specifically put the nail in her career or not but one never knows, do one?