HAUNTEDWEEN (1991)

 "BELIEVE ME, I KNOW GUYS!  THEY'RE TURD HEADS!" 

Direct from the third volume of Vinegar Syndrome's HOME GROWN HORRORS box set comes another lunchtime production called HAUNTEDWEEN; the only directorial effort by Doug Robertson.  This no budget king of the VHS shelves has been on my watchlist for a long time; so long, in fact, that I can't exactly remember why.  I must've read about it somewhere, I guess.  Anywho, the perfect opportunity to finally watch it came when it was included in said VS box set.  I'm sure this is the best it will ever look because it actually looks purdy durn nice.  Filmed by apparently non-professionals in the environs of Bowling Green, Kentucky, HAUNTEDWEEN is a little charmer!  Things start out 20 years ago (since the movie is from 1991, this would make it 1971 -- which is problematic because our teen 'hero' Eddie Burber is reading FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND #106 -- you know, the one with the HIDEOUS SUN DEMON Basil Gogos cover -- and that issue came out in 1974!). 

As someone who owns that OG issue of FM, it made my heart stop to see Eddie casually lay the magazine down in the dirt at his feet when a car pulls up.  Even in 1991, these mags were pretty expensive.  In the next camera angle, the magazine is gone from the ground where Eddie placed it a second ago.  But we're not here to pick nits.  Young Eddie is sitting outside taking admission for the Burber family haunted house attraction.  He is forbidden from going inside because he's not old enough yet.  Eddie sneaks in, however, wearing his green-faced monster mask with bright red hair and terrorizes a little girl who, unfortunately, backs herself into a jagged piece of wood and impales herself.  Eddie, not one to waste and opportunity, takes out his machete and decaps her. 

Eddie then scurries out his secret entrance and hides in the woods when Mom comes along and advises the boy that's they've gotta go away for a while now.  20 years go by and Mom hollers for Eddie to bring firewood and immediately has a heart attack.  Eddie then apparently goes back to the abandoned Burber House and takes up residence.  At the same time, nearby Tophill State College fraternity Sigma Phi is out of funds and will be closed down if they don't come up with $3, 700.  Goofy frat member Hanks (played by Brad . . . um . . . Hanks)

comes up with the idea of re-opening the Burber House of Horrors and charging admission to make up the bread.  Frat Prez Kurt (Brien Blakely) and his girlfriend Mel (Blake Pickett) are having relationship issues because Kurt is neglecting her by spending too much time on frat duties.  He promises to do better. 

Kurt and Mel go out to the abandoned Burber House and are spied upon by Eddie who now, for some unknown reason, has a face like Quasimodo.  Or is it just a mask???  Later, a knock at the frat house door is answered by Hanks and who should be at the door but Eddie; offering up the key to the Burber House so the frat can raise money for it.  When Hanks asks him why, Eddie says he's a Sigma Phi himself and give him the secret handshake (which we saw young Eddie use 20 years earlier).  "I didn't get your name, brother." says Hanks and, with his back to the camera, Eddie cryptically replies, "Good luck . . . brother!"  The day comes for the Burber House of Horrors party to begin and, well, what do you THINK is gonna happen???  A bunch of college kids and a deformed homicidal maniac.  Sounds like a fun time.

And it is.  After the beginning kill, the movie settles down for QUITE a while with a lot of non-horror stuff involving the college kids and their relationships and efforts to set up the Halloween party.  But, whereas this is usually instant death for a no-budget horror flick, here it is not and it's actually really enjoyable.  Nobody here can really act much but everyone is so shockingly charming that I never lost interest.  And Brad Hanks gives a hilarious performance as Hanks, the frat 'treasurer' and party doorman.  And oh my stars and garters, in the scene where the kids are going to fix up the Burber House, we get to see a CD Player boom box EXACTLY like the one I had back in 1991!!!  Then it starts playin' a rockin' 1991 rock song that rocks:  "In a haunted house on a haunted 'ween, it's the biggest party you've ever seen, gonna raise some hell, gonna lose control, we're just dyin' to start the show!".  Ha!  Is that foreshadowing or what?!?! I don't know who sings the song but a group called 'The Side' performs at a frat party earlier in the film so hey, maybe it's them.

This montage feels more 80's than anything else in the movie; which kinda makes it out-of-it's-time for a 1991 movie.  But the eighties were lingering on here and yeah, that's a good thing.  By 1991, horror was kinda in a major slump; especially slashers.  It really is a throwback to the early-80's slasher films and . . . again . . . that's a great thing!  I mean, we even get a nighttime scene around a campfire when the sheriff's daughter tells a true ghost story that, " about 20 years ago on this VERY property, a little girl was murdered in THAT haunted house!".  And yes, Eddie the maniac is crouching nearby in the darkness listening.  Oh, and the icing on the cake is that someone watches an episode of PRESS YOUR LUCK on TV.  No whammys!!!  It takes about 50 minutes for the moiders to start but, when they do, they's also quite well done.  Practical effects goodness that's impressive for a micro-budget.  Robertson shows a talent for directing and it's a shame this was his only feature.  I don't know, I have a lot of time for this zero budget horror movie and thoroughly enjoyed myself.  

DESTINATION INNER SPACE (1966)

 "LOOKS LARGER.  LOOKS LIKE IT'S GROWING!"

Less exciting than an episode of VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA, less (only just) cringy misogyny than THE ANGRY RED PLANET, DESTINATION INNER SPACE is a conundrum and no mistake.  It's sort of on the cusp of the 1950's moving into the 1960's, with all the awkwardness that implies.  It's simply not fish nor fowl (sorry about that).  There are, in fact, fish.  But I'm not sure the movie knows what it wants to be.  An underwater sealab (I HATE pod six!!!) has detected something moving around under the sea (now THAT song is stuck in my head!!!)that they cannot identify.  Turns out it's a flying saucer.  Under water.  Um . . . a swimming saucer???  Yeah, I'm going with that.  There's a swimming saucer tooling around the ocean floor.  The sealab is full of grumpy, crotchedy middle-aged white men and a couple women whom they assume will fall in love with them at the drop of a sexist epithet.  The sealab is a civilian operation run by Dr. LaSatier (upper-middle-aged Gary Merrill).  Middle-aged military Commander Wayne (middle-aged Scott Brady) is sent down to the sealab for some reason or other.  I can't rightly remember.  Down in the sealab is also Hugh Maddox (earlier middle-aged Mike Road) who has a major beef with Wayne.  Apparently some time before, Wayne left Maddox and a bunch of other men inside a flooding compartment to die.  Only Maddox escaped.  Now they get to work together down in the sealab which leads to lots more grumpiness and crotchediness amongst the middle-aged white men.  The two women -- and the ONLY two women I can see -- are Dr. Rene Peron (Sheree North) and Sandra Welles (Wende Wagner) and they get to endure all the outrageously sexist staring and ogling and innuendo hurled their way by said middle-aged white men. 

Wende Wagner absolutely smothered by middle-aged white men!!!

I mean, surely if I were them, I would lure the middle-aged white men outside the sealab then double back and lock the doors; leaving them outside to drown . . . while still probably leering at them through a porthole!  The above quote at the top of this post is by Sheree North as she peers through a magnifying glass at what looks like an oxygen tank brought back from inside the deserted, drone swimming saucer (Wayne and Maddox had a bickering excursion to it while Sandra Welles tagged along) and discovers that it's two inches longer than it was an hour ago.  If only one of the middle-aged white men could do the same.  But that's a thought better left un . . . thought. 

Sheree North, Scott Brady & Gary Merrill

After doubling in size, the 'object' begins emitting sonic waves which start shattering glass.  Another middle-aged white guy -- not sure what his character's name is --  tells Dr Peron that if the sonic waves get any stronger they will shatter that huge bottle of acid conveniently just a-sittin' on the table over there; so he tells her to go fetch Dr. LaSatier (I'm sure the ". . . like a good girl" is implied if not actually spoken).  She leaves and the guy intelligently grabs the bottle of acid and slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwly waddles towards the door but the bottle naturally shatters and the doc gets an acid bath.  Middle-aged white men come running, shut off the ventilators because of the 'acid gas' then starts spraying fire extinguishers all over the place.  There's no fire.  There's just stinky acid gas.  This is apparently what one does when there is acid gas.  We see the 'oxygen tank'-looking thing has burst open; apparently it was an egg because -- at the 40 minute mark -- we have our monster, ladies and jellyspoons. 

And what a monster it is!!!  I mean, this is the best looking monster you ever want to eviscerate you!  Make-up man Richard Cassarino outdid himself in his one and only screen credit!!!  I love this monster so much and saw it in old issues of FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND magazine and the like!  My gosh, it almost makes up for the dull and cringy first half hour of this flick!    I mean, this monster is so cool that Cassarino and the monster made an appearance on TV show TO TELL THE TRUTH. 

I mean, that's incredibly awesome!!!!  You can watch the episode on youtubers here   host Bud Collyer (Superman himself) hosts with panelists Tom Posten, Peggy Cass, Orson Bean and Kitty Carlisle.  You just can't GET a better pedigree as a 60's monster than that!!!  So yeah, frankly what's more to say.  The Amphibian (as the monster is called when he shambles out of the shadows at the beginning of that TO TELL THE TRUTH episode) does a bunch of sea creature things to the cast and crew of the sealab and we are all the more grateful to it for saving the movie!  There IS the whole thing about the magnificent James Hong being relegated to a stereotypical Chinese cook named Ho Lee on the sealab who must refer to himself in the third person i.e. "What can Ho Lee make you for dinner?"  Luckily, the inherent dignity of the man prevents him from having to fall to the Willie Fung level of Chinese stereotypes from the 1930's but one wishes Hong was given more to do. 

It looks like there is a Riff Trax version of this film with James Hong prominently featured on the cover art so that's some small recompense to a wonderful actor, I guess.  So yes, make no mistake. . . this is a terrible movie but it's totally made enjoyable and worthwhile by the great monster suit made by unheralded genius Richard Cassarino.  Gosh, why did he not get more work?!?!?!  Anyway, DESTINATION INNER SPACE has been described by many people besides myself as an undersea version of IT! THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE or possibly a dozen more monster movies like it.  But when you have a monster as lovable and spectacular as this one, there's no room for complaint.  And I ain't complainin'.

Art by earthbaragon @ DeviantArt

HEADHUNTER (1988)

 "AY, AY, AY!  IT'S EXORCIST TIME HERE, KIDS!" 

A series of murders in South Florida are occurring wherein the victims -- all Nigerian immigrants to the U.S. -- are found decapped . . . and all their heads are missing.  Miami cops Pete Giuliani (Wayne Crawford) and Katherine Hall (Kay Lenz) are on the case.  Hall is recently divorced and Giuliani has just been thrown out of his house by his wife who is having an affair with another woman.  Neither of their lives are going great at the moment, to be sure. 

The cops notice that, not only are the heads of the victims missing, but the neck has been cauterized!  Outside the second homicide, a group of Nigerian immigrants has gathered led by Samuel Juru (Sam Williams): Professor of Pan-African Studies at the University of Miami and shaman of the local Ibo population in Miami. 

He explains to the cops that an evil Nigerian demon has followed the Ibo immigrants to America to claim their souls; they left Nigeria to escape the demon's wrath and now he has tracked them down to the new world.  OK, so the first half hour of the film is played deadly straight -- mainly as a police procedural -- but then we come to the scene of the baptism!  You see, a group of Pentecostal Baptists are down by the edge of a terribly dirty-looking river where bearded Pastor Bobby is going to baptize a black woman whom we can only assume is an Ibo immigrant.  We can assume this because Pastor Bobby makes the incredibly terrible comment: "Stepping into the Jordan, now, gonna leave all that jungle darkness behind."  Sheesh.  Well, the good part of this is that we see a saber blade cruising through the water like the shark fin in JAWS; right down to similar music to the John Williams JAWS theme!  I kid you not. 

Po-faced seriousness up until now and then wackiness aplenty!  Of course, when Pastor Bobby ducks the woman down into the water, the sabre rushes up and chops her head off!  All the baptists take off running including Pastor Bobby; who jumps in his car yelling ""Let me out!  Never goin' near this f--in' river again goddam devil in here!" 

Oh yeah, and I can't forget the song that the baptists are singing; whose lyrics, to the best of my astonished ears can only be "Jesus Jesus Call Back!  Jesus Jesus Call Back!".  I mean, maybe he lost their number?!?!?! No, the song doesn't have any other words. 

I mean, this movie just went from good to great in one scene! This, however, is the one and only instance of zaniness in the film; it immediately reverts back to the 80's cop show asthetic (which isn't a bad thing) and remains a good movie.  But where did that baptism scene come from?!?  Our friend the evil demon is also really good at taking the shape of other people resulting a a lot of unpleasantness for our heroes.  There's also the fact that just about everyone in the film is watching THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON on TV.  So that's good! 

All in all, this is a pretty good film. Kay Lenz is always good value for money and she gives her usually great performance here.  The direction by Francis Schaeffer is quite good with only one or two laggy bits.  He keeps the camera fluid at all times which gives things a kinetic energy most of the time.  When we finally see the monster, he looks quite good as well.  All the effects are practical (natch for 1988) and the five person special effects team (in their one and only movie credit) acquit themselves well.  I enjoyed this one. 

    

TRICK OR TREAT WITH JEAN SHEPHERD

 WE ALL KNOW JEAN SHEPHERD FROM THE MOVIE "A CHRISTMAS STORY", OF COURSE, BUT DO WE KNOW FOR DECADES HE HOSTED A TALK RADIO SHOW ON WOR IN NEW YORK CITY? 

I was just listening to one of those shows from October 31st, 1972 entitled "TRICK OR TREAT" and, around the half hour mark, he reads a few Halloween poems.  Jean's engineer has a spooky, windy sound effect going in the background as he launches into his poems and they're really great.  I wasn't previously familiar with either one of them before I just listened to this recording of Jean Shepherd's 1972 Halloween show.  You can give it a listen on youtuberz right here and the poems start around the 28 minute mark.  This first one is a poem called "HALLOWEEN" by Marnie Pomeroy:

Who raps at my window?
Who in a white sheet
Runs across the midnight lawn
Without the sound of feet?

What moon grows in the East
So huge and dusky red?
Who howls from the chill within the hill
Where the farmer's hound lies dead?

The dry leaves twist and rattle
Alive in an evil spell.
Down by the pond the man who drowned
Tolls a wavering bell.

The wind has hardly wakened,
Yet flapping through the air
Fly shapes with wings and bony things
And forms with jagged hair.

Who blows at my candle?
Whose fiery grin and eyes
Behind me pass in the looking glass
And make my gooseflesh rise?

Who moved in that shadow?
Who rustles unseen?
With the dark so deep I dare not sleep
All night on Halloween.

And the next poem was "HALLOWE'EN INDIGNATION MEETING" by Margaret Fishback:

A sulky witch and a surly cat
And a scowly owl and a skeleton sat
With a grouchy ghost and a waspish bat,
And angrily snarled and chewed the fat.

It seems they were all upset and riled
That they couldn't frighten the Modern Child,
Who was much too knowing and much too wild
And considered Hallowe'en spooks too mild.

Said the witch, "They call this the human race,
Yet the kiddies inhabit Outer Space;
They bob for comets, and eat ice cream
From flying saucers, to get up steam!"

"I'm a shade of my former self," said the skeleton.
"I shiver and shake like so much gelatine,
Indeed I'm a pitiful sight to see--
I'm scareder of kids than they are of me!"

THE MOTH DIARIES (2011)

 "MY MOTHER, SHE KILLED ME, MY FATHER, HE ATE ME, MY SISTER, LITTLE MARLINCHEN, GATHERED TOGETHER ALL MY BONES, TIED THEM IN A SILKEN HANDKERCHIEF, LAID THEM BENEATH THE JUNIPER TREE, TWEET, TWEET, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BIRD AM I."

This film seems to polarize people with some giving it lousy reviews and others giving it raves.  I'm more in the latter category.  I thought this was excellent.  I don't know, perhaps the strongly female perspective confuses or puts off a lot of men but I, for one, found it incredibly riveting as well as beautifully made.  This is also a 'quiet' horror film with no outright scares; it creeps into your head and builds the feeling of unease.  So, if you're looking for big horror scenes, this is not the film for you.  Directed by Mary Harron (AMERICAN PSYCHO -- no, I haven't seen that film yet) from a Rachel Klein book, THE MOTH DIARIES really really REALLY captures the feel and atmosphere of Victorian-era gothic fiction (of which I'm quite the appreciative reader).  The film takes place in a modern-day girls' school which used to be a hotel but, despite it's modern setting, the Victorian gothic pervades everything.  Klein says, in a behind-the-scenes special feature interview on the blu ray, that she had no interest in the supernatural or horror genre until, when she was pregnant, her husband read Bram Stoker's DRACULA to her.  Wow, she REALLY got an interest after that.  Besides DRACULA (which is mentioned in the film by Gothic Lit teacher Mr. Davies), the movie also heavily features Sheridan Le Fanu's vampiric novella CARMILLA (assigned to the class to read by Mr. Davies).  And the closest thing I can think of to describe what the film feels like to me is, in fact, CARMILLA.  Everything in the film (which may or may not feature an actual vampire -- by the end, we kinda know the answer to that question) is subtle and beautifully evoked by Harron (who also wrote the script) and the wonderful performances of the entire cast!  In addition to these gothic books, the quote I started off this post with is from the Brothers Grimm fairy tale "The Juniper Tree" which is sung by the 'vampire' character at one point.  This tale is more dark and mature than your run-of-the-mill Grimm fairy tale and concerns bloody murder, loss and cannibalism.  All themes that fit rather well in this movie.

Rebecca (Sarah Bolger) and Lucy (Sarah Gadon) are best friends at the Brangwyn School when new student Ernessa Bloch (Lily Cole) appears.  Fascinating, mysterious and alluring, Ernessa soon becomes Lucy's 'best friend' with Rebecca left in the dust.  Before too long, it seems like everyone who tries to come between Ernessa and Lucy get eliminated -- one way or another.  Not only does Lucy seem to be in Ernessa's thrall  but she also seems to be wasting away.

While this is absolutely NOT a retelling of CARMILLA, it IS very much it's spiritual sister.  The word 'sister' here is very appropriate since, with the exception of the dopey Mr. Davies (Scott Speedman), the cast is almost all women.  I found that to be really interesting and refreshing; the dynamics of the relationships between all these young women was, I found to be, extremely well written and acted by the cast.  Bolger, Gadon and particularly the mesmerizing Cole are top notch but everyone else is too.  The wonderful Judy Parfitt has a small but crucial role as the school's headmistress as well.  The cinematography by Declan Quinn is also stunningly gorgeous and the attention to the different seasons is absolutely crucial.  This is one of those rare films which I wanted to re-watch as soon as it ended.

       

Scooby Doo Haunted Castle Ambience - Thunder, Rain, Wind, Fireplace, Dun...

So yeah . . . here's 2 hours of Scooby ambience from the yootooberz channel "Mystery Supply Co." for your Halloween pleasure.

PHANTOM OF DEATH (1988)

 HERE'S A DEODATO FLICK I'VE BEEN WANTING TO WATCH FOR A LONG TIME. 

   OK, if for some reason you don't know who I'm talking about, it's Italian director Ruggero Deodato and this is sorta kinda later in his moviemaking career as far as horror movies go; until, at least, his return to the genre in the 21st century.  The only way it was available for years was on the Shameless label but this year the wonderful Cauldron Films released a blu ray under it's alternate title "OFF BALANCE".  I bought the Shameless DVD but never got around to watching it so, when I purchased the Cauldron blu ray, I jumped at the chance to view it.  This new release is also the "uncut" version which means, I'm assuming, that the gory kills are intact.  And they are. 

Concert pianist Robert Dominici (Michael York) and his girlfriend Susanna (Mapi Galán) are having a bit of a quarrel.  Very soon afterwards, Susanna meets a bloody end.  Inspector Datti (Donald Pleasence) is on hand to catch the killer.  Now, I'm probably gonna put a spoiler in here right now but really, how much of a spoiler is it when all the poster art makes it pretty clear who the murderer is.  So yeah . . . it's Robert.  Eyewitnesses says a 30-something year old man appears to be the killer.  After Susanna's death . . . and I mean pretty soon after . . . mutual friend Helene (Edwige Fenech) makes a play for Robert.  He resists . . . at least at first . . . but the next time they see each other, they hop into bed together and Helene gets knocked up.  Yep, one and done.  Another murdered woman turns up and Robert takes off for Paris or somewhere.  Forensic results have come back indicating that the skin under the victim's fingernails belongs to a 50-something year old man.  Wait, Robert's in his 30's.  What's going on?  Well, what's going on is he has the 'aging disease' which mostly attacks children; causing them to prematurely age and Robert has it.  In fact, Robert's first victim (it's revealed in flashback) was actually a physician who was going to a conference in Paris to discuss Robert's disease and he rather ungratefully shoved a knife into her for her troubles.  Now, Robert is rapidly aging and has left pregnant Helene to her own devices.  Confused Inspector Datti (which hilariously sounds like people are calling him 'Daddy' with their dubbed accents) is looking for a 30 year old killer then a 50 year old killer and then an old man killer!  Robert has been calling Datti assuring that he will drive the cop nuts and he seems to be succeeding.  By the end of the film, Robert is quite elderly looking and, well, stuff happens.

PHANTOM OF DEATH is a very polished, stylish looking film with top notch camerawork.  The old age makeup on York is also quite superb looking.  The feel of the film is like a Jekyll and Hyde flick with the potion exchanged for the aging disease progeria.  It must be said that, the old age makeup on York makes him look not just old but more and more grotesque and "Mr. Hyde-like".  At one point, while attending a festival in Paris where the populace is all in costume, Robert wears an opera cape and a 'Phantom of the Opera" white mask. 

So we're deliberately getting echoes of both these horror classics in a new form.  Being an Italian horror flick AND a Ruggero Deodato film, the reasons for Robert's homicidal activities isn't really explained at all.  He just kills women.  However, unfortunately, he doesn't kill enough of them for a horror movie because the film soon bogs down into long periods of draggy scenes turning more into a police procedural than a horror film.  The movie starts out with a few murder scenes but then goes for long stretching without any.  By the final couple reels, it almost turns into a straight drama and the film is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long at 100 minutes for such little actual horror action.  Deodato, whose next horror film would be THE WASHING MACHINE in 1993 ( a great horror romp and a fave of mine) here is extremely subdued.  Of course, the script dictates the abandonment of all horror scenes in favour of more psychological drama.  So yeah, PHANTOM OF DEATH is worth a watch but I found my patience severely tested in the second half of the film.  

H.P. LOVECRAFT'S THE OLD ONES (2024)

 "STILL A TRACE OF THAT PRIMORDIAL OOZE COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS."  

 It's about time we got a little of that HPL up in dis blog for the Countdown to Halloween!  This newish Lovecraft film came out this year from director Chad Ferrin and it's an extremely low budget affair.  This means I cut it a LOT of slack.  Apparently Ferrin also gave us another HPL film 4 years ago called H.P. LOVECRAFT'S THE DEEP ONES which I totally missed but need to hunt down.  Now, Ferrin also directed a little film called EXORCISM AT 60,000 FEET which I absolutely loved but that one looks to have had a much bigger budget and some name stars including Lance Hendriksen, Adrienne Barbeau, Kevin J. O'Connor and Bill Moseley.  That one was a real enjoyable hoot and, as I say, I loved it.  This one here is an entirely different kettle of fish (pun intended, natch) as it's made with a budget that would probably buy you two Happy Meals at the Innsmouth Mickey D's.  The acting is -- shall we say -- pretty amateurish (although the wonderful Kelli Maroney is on hand for some name recognition amongst us horror fans.  The monsters are of the rubber suit and rubber mask variety but they are quite good, for that, and a heckuva lot of fun.  So, of course, we have to be a little more understanding when 'rating' a movie like this.

A father and son are out camping by a river when the pull from the water a corpse of an old guy.  He's got no pulse . . . but suddenly sits up.  He is an old sea captain named Russell Marsh (played by Robert Miano -- who was also in EXORCISM AT 60,000 FEET) who starts ranting and raving about "the old ones" who are coming.  Marsh (who says he's 155 years old and has had an 'old one' inside him for years) pleads with the two men to get him as far away from the water as possible and drop him off probably somewhere like the Sahara Desert.  The father goes off to call for an ambulance and promptly gets mauled by one of the 'fishy folk' emerging from the water.  Kelli Maroney appears in a puff of CGI smoke, looking all decayed and corpsey/spookified as Zadok who gives Marsh a raft of doo doo about something or other. 

A fishy monster appears and Marsh axes it in the mouth.  Zadok collapses and evaporates.  Marsh and the boy Gideon (Benjamin Philip in his only film role) take the dead father's Jeep and head into the town of Finley.  Marsh has gone from a feeble, frightened, quivering old man to a sarcastic, badass in a matter of moments here.  In the town of Finley, the pair meet a guy named . . . . Finley who "felt" Marsh's presence.  This is when Marsh says that line I put up there at the beginning of this post regarding all the icky ooze in his blood.  Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that all this time Marsh is carrying around the decapitated head of the monster he killed.  Marsh needs some answers from Finley but first he plunges what looks like a rib bone into Finley's round belly and collects the blood in a green glass fish jar. 

OK, that's the first time I've ever written a sentence like THAT.  It appears Finley is harboring an 'old one' inside him and Marsh has released the old one into the jar; freeing the Finley human.  Marsh pours the blood onto the severed monster head (which he has previously dumped in a trash bag) and the head comes back to life.  Marsh asks where Tillinghast is and the severed head/Mr. Finley/Old One says "Tillinghast resonator will not help you!".  Yeah!!!!!  That's the resonator that was in FROM BEYOND!!!!  Awesome sauce!  Yes, it's probably time to  let you know that this movie is not an adaptation of any particular Lovecraft story but instead gathers bits and pieces from a lot of HPL's work.  Said severed monster noggin advises Marsh that he'll instead need 'the crawling chaos'.  Nyarlathotep to you.  "Glorious!  Hail the Great Old One!" 

I mean, none of this makes much sense but it's a fun ride that's keeps moving along in an entertain fashion.  Besides the aforementioned 'rubber suit monsters', there is also a fair amount of really nice practical effects and they really look good.  This is a prime case of doing a lot with a little.  Keep in mind, also, there is intentional humour here so things don't get too over-earnest.  Rico E. Anderson (as Nyarlathotep) in particular plays his character with a wicked wit; at one point, calling off his monstrous ghasts with an exasperated "Kids!  Right?"  Elli Rahn as the wired-up, demented Tillingast is arch and twisted and Jon Budinoff as Nadine (in his waitress uniform and green eye shadow) are particular stand-outs.  And in his house, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.  And in this movie, a fun time awaits those with a high tolerance for low-low budget horror flicks and a love for Lovecraft.  I've seen a lot worse.  

THE PEOPLE ACROSS THE LAKE (1988)

 WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A PRIME EXAMPLE OF THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEVENTIES MADE-FOR-TV HORROR MOVIES AND EIGHTIES MADE-FOR-TV HORROR MOVIES. 

Pretty much all 1970's TV horror flicks are awesome to semi-awesome whereas those made in the 80's are like this one:  uh, not good.  Now that picture up there makes it look likes it's gonna be REAL GOOD but I'm sorry to say the first half is absolutely boring as all get-out while the second half is stupid as F!  Rhoda and Major Dad . . . . OK, I'll stop with the obvious jokes . . . Valerie Harper, Gerald McRaney and their two kids are fed up with living behind security locks and house alarms in the crime-ridden city and decide they're going to move out to the country.  They find an old house on Tomahawk Lake and buy it; moving out to where they feel the air is fresh and clean and the criminals are far away.  But this family is in a made-for-TV horror movie so, besides the rather surly, unwelcoming and faintly sinister locals they also begin finding dead bodies all over the place.  First McRaney goes swimming only to surface with a dismembered female arm clinging to his shoulder and then holding on to his leg as he makes it to sure.  Now this is fantastic except for the fact that there is NO supernatural stuff going on here.  No, the arm is not a zombie arm.  So why does it hold on to his leg, you ask????  Bad writing, that's why.  Yep, here we have the first (of several) failures of this film; the screenplay is atrocious!  It alternates between extremely dull and ridiculously silly and illogical.  Now the co-writers of the screenplay are Bill McCutchen (who has only one other writing credit) and Dalene Young (who has close to 30 including such films as LITTLE DARLINGS and CROSS CREEK; both of which I liked).  It's tempting to blame the bad script of the guy who only wrote 2 things but that's probably not fair since there WAS an accomplished co-writer involved here.  Interference from the TV network, maybe???  My money's on that.  

Arthur Allan Seidelman directed and he's got a pretty substantial Cv cranking out workman-like flicks from THE CALLER (which I loved) to the Arnold-vehicle HERCULES IN NEW YORK.  So I don't know how you wanna categorize him as a director.  To be fair (to be faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrr) the direction seems quite competent but it's tough to know what anyone could've made out of this script.  Frankly, if Seidelman had cut out all the draggy scenes where nothing happens, it would be a half hour show.  So back to the plot.  McRaney calls the local sheriff but the decaying arm is gone when they get back to the lake shore.  The sheriff is bound and determined to convince him that he saw a log or a piece of debris.  The sheriff's deputy John Bryce (Jeff Kizer) stays behind for a snack and a story about several murders . . . or accidental deaths . . . that have happened in the area over the last 15 years where bodies were discovered so mangled they sometimes couldn't be identified.  Welcome to the peaceful country, folks!  Soon, the family meets Deputy John's cuddly dad Malcolm Bryce (the cuddly Barry Corbin) who always wears a carnation in his buttonhole.  He's such a sweet ole cuss.  You see where this is going.  You don't really have to guess since the original TV Guide ad for this TV movie kinda spoils the film (see below).  

I mean, do YOU recognize those eyes hanging up there at the top.  Well, it's a spoiler and kinda not at the same time.  I won't say more in case you are crazy enough to subject yourself to this snooze fest.  So this brings us to the next major failure of this movie; notably the often terrible acting going on here!  Barry Corbin, who is a fine actor normally, is absolutely embarrassingly terrible here as he chews the scenery shamelessly.  Also Valerie Harper, who was absolutely great a decade earlier in NIGHT TERROR.  Ah but, you see . . . that was a 1970's made-for-TV horror movie and they knew how to make them then.  Here Harper is pretty bad and actually annoying and unlikeable.  There's practical no one around in this film that IS likeable -- except the absolutely bonkers (in a good way) Daryl Anderson as backwoods nutcase Henry Link whom first encounters our married couple on a jog, accuses them of trespassing on his land and then aims and fires his shotgun at them! 

Anderson is filling the 'Bruce Dern' role in this movie since he acts and very closely resembles Bruce Dern.  He's a joy and definitely the best thing about the film.  So anyway, about 5 minutes later, after having been shot at while jogging in the woods, Harper and McRaney . . . . are shown jogging in the woods again.   There's some good decision making!    As far as we know, this is the following day so a psycho with a shotgun didn't deter them; in fact, they decide to get frisky on the same woodland trail and, while doing so, lie down next to a quite-a-while-dead corpse!  McRaney wises up this time and stays with the body while Harper goes to get the Sheriff.  It is discovered that this body was probably brought to that spot after having been dead inside a coffin for a good while.  Why they think this, I dunno, since no evidence is shared with us as to why they think that.  A big deal is made of this fact at the time but it is NEVER REFERRED TO AGAIN.  So OK, that's about all I have to relate except the fact that the final reel goes all psycho-crazy-loopy-coo-coo -- and NOT in a good way but in a STUPID way.  There are a group of decayed skeletal corpses in the . . . I guess fruit cellar . . . of the lakeside house but I'm afraid that goodness is all too little too late. Finally, after the inevitable and network-approved mandatory happy ending, McRaney sighs "Maybe we'll find a place this nice somewhere up north . . . or a quiet little beach town."  Yeah Gerry, I have just the place for you at Camp Crystal Lake!   I just don't know why they suddenly lost the ability to make good made-for-TV horror movies in the 1980's when the 70's were full to bursting with great ones.  Ah well, that's show biz!     

LAVERNE & SHIRLEY - THE HAUNTED HOUSE (1977)

 NOW LET'S LOOK AT THE 'BOO' TUBE!

  Here is a Halloweeny episode of LAVERNE & SHIRLEY (tho not aired at Halloween) from March 22, 1977 entitled "THE HAUNTED HOUSE".  Gee, I wonder what drew me to THIS episode????  The girls couch collapses so Carmine tells them about a furniture sale at a condemned house set for demolition.  Unfortunately, the house in question is the spooky old Ramsdale House which Shirley has heard that no one ever returns from going there.  The curse of the old Ramsdale House is that of the monstruous 'Ramsdale Hairy Thing' whom Shirley is sure will kill them both!  The girls make Lennie & Squiggy come along and soon they are locked in by the sinister manservant; a Lurch-like giant named Bernie!  Lenny assured the girls that he has seen 'every horror movie that Vincent Price got crushed to death in" so he knows there must be a secret passage somewhere on the premises. 

(Super)Naturally, characters keep disappearing into thin air until only Laverne & Shirley are left to tremble in their saddle shoes!  Eventually, old lady Ramsdale appears in her wheelchair and explains that, in order to try to save her home from demolition, she has decided to take hostages!  Shirley, meanwhile, has found an old diary stating that Abraham Lincoln used to stay in the Ramsdale House (as well as a drunken 'Captain' Ulysses S. Grant) and the house is probably an historic landmark.  The girls convince the 'Man From the City' (who is there to conduct the sale) to convince the city of Milwaukee to save the old house and Old Lady Ramsdale jumps out of her wheelchair yelling "I CAN WALK!".  Bernie assures everyone that she ALWAYS could walk, she's just lazy!  Back at home, Laverne & Shirley have their couch fixed by a grateful Bernie and all is right with the world again!

I always loved LAVERNE & SHIRLEY (until, of course, they jumped the shark to California) and watched it from day one.  This episode would have aired about 3 months after we moved from Maple Surple to Marlton and I surely must've watched it when it was first broadcast.  Any TV show with a spooky and/or Halloween episode is a winner for me and this one was great!  All the silly old dark house tropes are dragged out for the umpteenth time but we love them and they're cozy and familiar.  At one point, Lenny puts the helmet of the ubiquitous suit of armor over Squiggy's head and uses him as a battering ram to break down the door!  Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams as well as Michael McKean and David L. Lander)still have their slapstick chops and make the episode feel like a 40's screwball horror comedy.  Shirley O'Hara as Mrs. Ramsdale not only had an uncredited role in Val Lewton's GHOST SHIP but also appeared in every TV show from TWILIGHT ZONE and ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS to THE BOB NEWHART SHOW and THE ROCKFORD FILES!  Mickey Morton as the Lurch-like Bernie appeared significantly (in my mind) not only as Malla in THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL but also as Solomon Grundy in LEGENDS OF THE SUPER-HEROES!  I'll definitely be adding this cute spooky episode to the rotation in my yearly Halloween re-watches.        

31 Spooky Cartoons to Watch This Halloween

Here's a cool video from youtuberz channel "There Will Be Fudd" with a nice listing of 31 spooky cartoons just right for Halloween month.

THE NIGHT FLIER (1997)

 WOW, THERE'S A HUGE BOOM IN THE SHOT 7 MINUTES INTO THIS MOVIE!!! 

Ok, that's as maybe.  I first read Stephen King's short story "THE NIGHT FLIER" in Douglas E. Winter's seminal horror collection PRIME EVIL:  NEW STORIES BY THE MASTERS OF MODERN HORROR" paperback hot off the bookshelf in 1988. 

It's been so long ago that all I remember about it, besides the airport setting, is the vampire peeing blood in a urinal.  Now, almost 10 years later, we have the Mark Pavia-directed film adaptation of King's vampire story in 1997.  I never saw it before this year.  This seems like a made-for-TV movie and it is, in fact, made for cable TV.  I don't mean this as a slam because I love made-for-TV horror movies but more of the 1970's variety and 1997 is waaaaaaaaaaaay past that sweet spot.  Mark Pavia is a director whom I'm not familiar with but he did also direct FENDER BENDER in 2016 and I've heard nice things about that one although I've also never seen it.  I quite enjoyed the Stephen King short story as I recall even though it's been decades since I read it so I went into this hopefully optimistic.  But then there's that boom mike in shot 7 minutes in . . .

The wonderful Miguel Ferrer plays grumpy and jaded tabloid journalist Richard Dees whose editor is trying to get him to investigate a series of vampire murders that have been happening at night in deserted airports.  The culprit apparently flies his own plane in and suck dry whatever poor schmuck he encounters; then flies off into the night sky again.  First I want to mention the really nice music composed by big-time award-winning composer Brian Keane.  The score is lush and atmospheric and no surprise coming as it does from this hall-of-fame composer.  Cinematography by David Connell (who also lensed the Stephen King mini-series ROSE RED) is also pretty good.  Julie Entwisle plays tyro cub reporter Katherine "Jimmy" Blair (Dees constantly calls her "Jimmy Olsen") who is trying to team up with the veteran grouchy journalist to investigate these vampire murders.  Sounds like they need Carl Kolchak on the case but I guess he was busy.  Entwisle is OK in the role -- nothing spectacular -- and she only apparently made one other film ("IN & OUT") in her career. 

John Bennes provides some nice Stephen Kingian Northern "Ayuh" colour as airplane mechanic Ezra who is questioned by Dees.  When Ezra asks what paper he's from , Dees says 'Inside View', Ezra cracks up and says "My wife Martha reads your papuh.  After she's done with it, I use it to line our kitty's toilet box.  Soaks up that cat piss real good!"  And good ole Michael H. Moss plays our vampire with the supremely Easter-Eggy name of Dwight Renfield!  The look of the big-mouth vampire is quite nice; giving me vibes of the much later Master from THE STRAIN for some reason.  I've seen this vampire around the place somewhere before so I guess this movie must be more well-known than I thought.  Renfield here wears the full Dracula cape and I think that's awesome.  The opening scene of the first murder is wonderful; set late at night in the pouring rain as a guy goes out on the runway to check out a small plane which won't clear the path and gets clawed across the face for his troubles.  Wonderful opening volley!  The vamp flies the same plane into each airport at night -- a black Cessna Skymaster with the same tail number which is well-known to everyone.  Yet they still can't catch the vamp night flier since they never known which airport he's gonna fly into from night to night.  Gotta give it to ole Steve, this is a kinda cool premise.  I just love when Ezra is describing seeing the Cessna fly in one night:  "My shift was ovuh and I was loadin' up to head home.  That's . . . . when he came down.  Lemme tell ya, mistuh.  Right from the get go, that fella didn't seem propuh!  Just . . . sorta . . . off. . .He was wearin' a big cloak!  He was!  Red as a fire engine inside!  Black as a woodchuck's asshole outside!  And when it spread out behind him, it looked like a goddamn bat's wing, it did!"  That's some excellent monologue!  Basically, Dees and "Jimmy" are eventually gonna have to team up to get the story (but it's not as simple and cut-and-dried as that) before the big encounter with the big bad vampire.  And yes, the vampire urinating blood scene is also here.  I have to admit that I wasn't expecting much from this movie.  I have to tell ya, however, that I kinda really enjoyed it and that surprised me.  The premise, as I said, was interesting and I liked it in the OG story so here it is and it's adapted pretty well.  The end confrontation between Dees and Dwight Renfield is also a real winner.  Yeah, this is a pretty good vampire movie and I'm glad I finally caught up with it.