THE MEZZOTINT (2021)

 A GHOST STORY FOR CHRISTMAS. . .OR RATHER HALLOWEEN.

  This was another Mark Gatiss written and directed yuletide terror tale based on the works of M.R. James which he's been doing and it's a pretty good one.  Following THE TRACTATE MIDDOTH, THE DEAD ROOM and MARTIN'S CLOSE -- all of which range from good to very good -- this is a really nice little presentation of the classic ghost story by the master ghost story writer himself.  If you're not familiar with James' short story, THE MEZZOTINT is a type of engraving which depicts the outside of an English country house. 

This engraving or mezzotint comes into the possession of Edward Williams (Rory Kinnear); one of M.R. James' parade of academics who slowly begins to notice that the picture keeps changing.  First a full moon appears where none was before.  Then a figure can just be glimpsed partially obscured behind a foreground object.  Then the eerie figure can be seen crawling across the lawn towards the house and, eventually, the figure is gone but a ground floor window is suddenly seen to be open.  The skeletal 'thing' seems to have entered the house!  The next time we see the picture change, the skeletal figure is seen leaving the house carrying a baby in it's arms.  Williams meets a woman named Mrs. Ambrigail (the wonderful Frances Barber)

during his research and he tells her that his grandpappy was illegitimate; his birth certificate had 2 last names on it -- Williams and Francis.  Later on, Mrs. Ambrigail turns up some facts about a country toff named Arthur Francis who had a poacher named Gawdy executed for trespassing.  Later on, Francis' only heir -- a little baby -- was carried off in the night by a friend of Gawdy's as an act of revenge.  I mean, it MUST have been a FRIEND of Gawdy's. . . . since Gawdy was dead, right???  Of course, we've all filled in the gaps here, haven't we?  That Edward Williams is actually the last living descendant of  Mr. Arthur Francis.  Uh oh!  I don't think this will end well.  Mark Gatiss' adaptation of the classic ghost story is, I think, one of the most effective of the 4 I've seen; equal to the terrific TRACTATE MIDDOTH and better than the other two.  The creepy feeling of dread is well conveyed by Gatiss' direction and the performance of Rory Kinnear who is slowly shaken by the encroaching supernatural doings.  Frances Barber only has two scenes as Mrs. Ambrigail but she shines in both of them and you can't take your eyes off her!  The final scary payoff is quite effective as well.  All these "GHOST STORIES FOR CHRISTMAS" have actually nothing to do with the holiday season and are perfect for Halloween viewing.   

THE HOUSE OF LOST SOULS (1989)

 "THERE'S HOMEMADE GRAPPA IN THE BAR AND, IF ANYONE'S HUNGRY, WE'VE GOT THE BEST PIZZA AROUND!  FILL 'ER UP?" 

Ah, the utter joy of Italian horror ESPECIALLY directed by the unhinged Umberto Lenzi and ESPECIALLY when it's also known as GHOSTHOUSE 3 (a sequel in nothing else but name and consummate goofiness) and ESPECIALLY when including as one of the 4 films in the supposed-to-be made-for-Italian-TV "HOUSES OF DOOM" series that they crazily got Lucio Fulci and Umberto Lenzi to direct and then were surprised when the resulting movies were much to bloody, gory and violent to be shown on telly!!!!  And hoooooo boy, does anyone else remember those Vipco Screamtime DVD's from the UK?  All 4 of these films were only available on those and, I think, the "BEYOND TERROR" line of UK dvds; BEYOND TERROR is where I bought my dvd copy of SPOOKIES when it wasn't available in the USA.  Now, the wonderful people at Cauldron Films have released all 4 films in a beautiful HOUSES OF DOOM box set and it just popped up on my tomb step today.  Well, yesterday.  But I had to have time to watch this film before I could post about it, didn't I?

If you've ever seen Lenzi's GHOSTHOUSE, it's a goofy-as-hell haunted house movie and, as I said, this apparently was sometimes known as GHOSTHOUSE 3 aka LA CASA 3.  I don't know what GHOSTHOUSE 2 was supposed to be.  Wait a minute.  A search of letterboxd brings up . . . no . . . . it couldn't be!  EVIL DEAD II?!?!?!?!?  Wow, those Italians will slap ANY sequel name on ANY movie, won't they?  Anyhow, the goofy factor is just as present in THE HOUSE OF LOST SOULS as in those other two magnum Opies.

Sorry about that.

A group of 'geologists' are stranded in the middle of nowhere and decide to spend the night in some remote dilapidated joint called 'The Hermit Hotel'.  Sounds like a plan.  We're lucky enough to have one of the geologist's annoying little brother along for the ride too.  Sorry, it's not 'Bob', though but he's still annoying.  When they get to the hotel, it's got a closed sign hanging on it but the 'cast of exciting young people' see a light and a man inside the doorway and plead with him for some rooms for the night.  The man nods in agreement and lets them in; comfortingly the man never utters a word.  When our leading lady Carla and her little brother Brat get to their room, Carla comically runs her hand across a desk covered in dust; although it looks more like someone emptied an entire pound of sawdust on it!  The calendar in the room is from 20 years ago and August 24th is circled.  Nothing suspicious about that.  Cue the thunderstorm!  Quick shot of the outside of the motel with what must be a garden hose pouring water in front of the camera lens.  Carla can't sleep. 

She watches as the cobweb-enshrouded hanging light creakily sways.  Ghostly moans echo from a distance as Carla leaves her room and goes a-roaming throught the needs-to-be-condemned hotel.  Sounds like ANOTHER great plan!  She goes down to the cellar (because OF COURSE she does) and an unplugged TV comes to life showing an axe-wielding maniac killing some people.  The murder scene must've been shot by the ghost of Karl Freund because it features multiple angle shots used when the 3-camera setup was pioneered by the veteran cameraman for I LOVE LUCY!  Nice one, ghosts!  Just because you're dead doesn't mean you can't show exciting camerawork.  The TV explodes, Carla screams, and everybody rushes to the cellar to see what's wrong.  Everyone except Guido's girlfriend Mary who had her Sony Walkman orange headphones on and didn't hear anything. 

She, of course, goes wandering off by herself looking for Guido .  She ends up, of course, in a kitchen when a pus-ridden zombie arm pushes her into a meat freezer and locks her in; leaving Mary alone inside with some rotting corpses hanging on meathooks.  OK, so we're a little over 20 minutes in and I'm FULLY on board!  While all this is going on, Brat is awakened by blood dripping from aforementioned swinging light fixture.  This isn't enough, of course, so Lenzi also covers the brat's bedcovers with tarantulas!  Brat's terrified screams bring everyone running back up from the cellar and they find the kid not breathing.  Massimo gives Brat CPR and he wakes up.  No dripping blood.  No tarantulas.  Must've been just a nightmare.  Guido finally notices Mary is missing and tells Massimo to help look for her.  Massimo encounters a rocking chair rocking by itself.  Guido & Massimo find Mary in the freezer and bust her out; 5 minutes from being frozen solid.  There are, of course, no corpses hanging from meathooks when they get there.  Massimo does notice the chains hanging from the ceiling of the freezer are swaying.  Massimo gets a close-up so we can see his dreamy eyes.  Did I mention this movie isn't even a half hour in yet?  Oh, I forgot to mention that Carla is psychic and has visions.  The next day Carla starts seeing the same ax-murders in her visions as she did in that exploding TV set.  Of course, 20 years before the owner of the hotel was arrested for murdering his hotel guests for their money; ha, shades of H.H. Holmes!   Anybody smell a cursed building, folks? 

Ghostly murdered kid lures Brat upstairs to the . . . . laundry room (?) where a washing machine . . . . there's no other way to say this . . . attacks him!  And I mean ATTACKS him.  I'm gonna perhaps drop a spoiler here but it's frankly too good to keep to myself and if this doesn't make you crawl around the floor bumping into yourself to watch this movie, I don't know what will!.  Besides exploding in Brat's face, the washing machine starts moving across the floor towards Brat, pushes Brat's head inside the washer and decaps him!!!  Pure gold!  I mean, the annoying brat gets offed FIRST.  That's value for money.  Lenzi is a maestro and I worship at his blood-soaked altar!  Seriously, decapped by a washing machine.  I can't find enough words of praise for it!  No matter what happens from here on out, this movie can do no wrong.  The carnage continues and the movie is only 87 minutes long so what's not to love?  I could also mention the gorgeous photography featuring sumptuous greenery in the outside scenes.  But man, a kid gets his head chopped off by a washing machine.  I mean, what else is there to say? 

THE SPIRIT IS WILLING (1967)

 "THE FIRST PICTURE TO FACE THE BIGGEST PROBLEM OF OUR TIME:  THE SEX LIFE OF GHOSTS!"

  Yes, this is the tagline for the movie poster of William Castle's THE SPIRIT IS WILLING.  I was totally unaware of this film amongst William Castle's filmography and I have to say I'm pretty familiar with William Castle's filmography so I was taken by surprise at this relatively unknown William Castle flick when it was released on blu ray by the now-defunct Olive Films. 

This is one of those horror-comedies which were pretty common around this same time in the 1960's a la THE GHOST & MR. CHICKEN, THE COMEDY OF TERRORS and Castle's own THE OLD DARK HOUSE remake.  In fact, THE SPIRIT IS WILLING shares a composer with the Don Knotts film:  the great Vic Mizzy who was responsible for the magnificent score to THE GHOST & MR. CHICKEN as well as THE ADDAMS FAMILY TV show.  The film starts out in late 1800's New England with a sea captain named Ebenezer Twitchell (Robert Donner) being coerced by a rich shipping magnate (played by Nestor Paiva) into marrying his homely daughter Felicity (Cass Daley).  When the old man dies, all his riches and fleet of ships will be Ebenezer's.  The sea captain grits his teeth and marries Felicity but, on their wedding night, he is enticed into the bed of the chambermaid Jenny (Jill Townsend).  Felicity axes both of them with a butcher knife and, before he dies, Ebenezer chops Felicity as well leading to three ghosts haunting the seaside mansion. 

Cut to the present day (1967 anyway) when Mr. & Mr. Ben and Kate Powell (Sid Caesar and Vera Miles ) and their teenaged son Steve (Barry Gordon) rent the house.  When they arrive early and find the door unlocked, they are greeted by an axe-wielding housekeeper Ms. Tritt (the great Mary Wickes) who thinks they are intruders.  Knowing the history of the haunted house, Tritt wishes them good luck and races away on her bicycle (on sped-up film -- a common 'horror-comedy' trope used in pretty much all of these sixties horror-comedies a la the Keystone Kops).  Steve is a typical teenager in that he's constantly grumpy, miserable and mad at the world.  "When he was a baby, he was SO sweet," laments Kate. "He also used to throw up quite a bit!" Ben retorts.  "Let's face it, sweetheart, we spawned a lemon!"  When Steve is alone, a kitchen door constantly opens and a pot flies across the kitchen smashing a window.  Steve's parents, of course, blame the boy and leave to go food shopping. 

While alone in the house, the three ghosts start causing havoc throwing things at each other.  Steve comes into the living room and can actually see the ghosts; they even start hurling breakables at him!  The ghosts, you see, can manifest as physical, corporeal entities.Knowing this is a mid-60's horror comedy, you pretty much get the picture already, I'm sure.  However, there's a little twist here which is somewhat surprising.  You remember that it was Ebenezer & Felicity's wedding night when he jumped in bed with the maid and then all three were killed.  Before any hanky panky was had by any of them.  So the three ghosts are all horny as all get-out!  The ghostly maid, during the throwing fight in the living room, actually makes a pass at soon-to-be 16 year old Steve.  And soon-to-be 16 year old Steve is probably so grumpy because his hormones are obviously going berserk right about then.  So the whole haunted house is fueled by sexual energy.  This is a goofy 1967 horror comedy and that's the basis of it's plot.  Huh.  That's kinda different.  So I'm guessing this is why (besides being murdered) the ghosts are so hostile and violent.  Blue balls.  On top of everything else, Ben & Kate are apparently not having any 'connubial fulfillment' because of Ben's bad back.  So nobody's getting any in this house -- alive OR dead!   

Rich Uncle George (veteran character actor John McGiver) arrives and has Steve look out the window at his yacht anchored in the ocean outside.  The yacht is an actual photograph cutout pasted on a backdrop of the sea like something out of BIRDEMIC!!!  Absolutely priceless!!!  Uncle George asks Steve "Whatcha gonna be when your brains straighten out?".  I gotta say, there's a lot of pretty good one liners in this movie.  There are also a TON of great character actors you've seen a million times including the aforementioned Barry Gordon (who by law I think was required to appear in every TV show during the 1970s), Robert Donner (everything from CHISUM, HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER and RIO BRAVO to VANISHING POINT), Cass Daley (STAR SPANGLED RHYTHM, CRAZY HOUSE and DUFFY'S TAVERN), John McGiver (THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE), JESSE WHITE (the long-time Maytag Repairman), Doodles Weaver (of Spike Jones & His City Slickers as well as IT'S A MAD MAD MAD MAD WORLD), Mary Wickes (SIGMUND & THE SEA MONSTERS, SISTER ACT and THE MAN WHO CAME TO DINNER), Jay C. Flippen (Kubrick's THE KILLING, WINCHESTER '73 and THE WILD ONE), Harvey Lembeck (as beatnik biker Eric Von Zipper in the Annette Funicello/Frankie Avalon BEACH PARTY movies), John Astin (Gomez Addams himself) and Byron Foulger (from countless poverty row horror movies like THE BLACK RAVEN, THE MAN THEY COULD NOT HANG, MAN MADE MONSTER, HOUSE OF HORRORS and the aforementioned-in-this-Halloween-Countdown THE DEVIL'S PARTNER).  

So these three ghosts aren't confined to the haunted house, either.  When Steve go to spend the night on Uncle George's yacht (captained by Harvey Lembeck), the ghosts follow them aboard and cause havoc on the boat; so much that they actually sink it!  In town, Steve meets a young lady named Priscilla Weems (also played by Jill Townsend) who is a relation of the ghostly chambermaid and something of a seance-practitioner.  She takes Steve to the graves of the three ghosts and communicates with them.  The ghost of Felicity tells her that, if he wants her to 'lay off', Steve will have to get her some little things she wants:  silk panty hose, a new nightgown, lipstick, perfume, nail polish and a "high gloss lacquer deodorant spray with a five day guarantee".  Steve asks his parents to throw him a 16th birthday party that's nautical-themed and to invite their bachelor friends from New York; this hopefully will appease the ghost of Felicity enough to stop the ghostly violence.  This and the feminine items Steve agrees to buy for the ghost.  Of course, Steve's purchase of all these items makes Uncle George think he's gay so he calls in a psychiatrist (played by John Astin) to check him out at the party.  Ben goes to the library to research ghosts and meets librarian Carol Weems (AGAIN played by Jill Townsend) who tells him "There will never be peace in that house until Felicity finds a man; thus freeing Jenny and Ebenezer".  After being attacked by Felicity in the basement, Kate is knocked out and Uncle George drives her to town to see a doctor.  On the way, Kate sees Ben coming out of the library with Carol and assumes he's having an affair. 

So yeah, the solution to all the haunted house troubles is that everybody needs to get laid!  The psychiatrist comes to the party and comes on to Steve to see if he gets a reaction. Uncle George asks the psychiatrist is the boy is going to grow up to be a marine of a WAC.  Then the ghost of Jenny comes to the party pretending to be Priscilla and hops into bed with him; so Steve starts his 16th birthday with a bang.   This is a puff of fluff of a 'horror/comedy' that is just interesting and entertaining enough to be worth a watch.  The sex angle is something new and the mountain of great character actors carry the movie.  Barry Gordon is really the star of the film with Sid Caesar and Vera Miles really supporting cast and Jill Townsend is spectacularly good in her three roles bringing a sexiness and wit to the parts.  This was her first movie role before appearing in such films as the terrific Oliver Reed actioner SITTING TARGET and the Sherlock Holmes vehicle THE SEVEN PER-CENT SOLUTION before making her final film in 1980:  the Bram Stoker adaptation THE AWAKENING with Charlton Heston.  Townsend had a great screen presence and it's surprising she didn't do more movies.  So yes, THE SPIRIT IS WILLING is worth a watch if you're in a good mood for a light horror/comedy with sexy overtones.          

"HAVE A HAUNTING HALLOWEEN"

1976 DC COMICS HALLOWEEN HOUSE AD 

MONSTERS YOU NEVER HEARD OF by Daniel Cohen

HEY, ANOTHER DANIEL COHEN BOOK HITS THE HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN!

  I forget if it was last year or the year before (or both) in the Countdown to Halloween that I talked about some Daniel Cohen books.  For those who are uninitiated, Cohen wrote probably 100s of books mainly for kids and young adults about various thangs scary; from horror movie monsters to ghost legends and everything in between.  This here book I dug out is sort of about cryptids before the word cryptids was a thing.  The OG book was published in 1980 but the paperback I have is the 4th printing from 1986 (I think).  Anyway, it has this cover which is better than the original cover artwork, in my humble.  So yeah, that's my cousin the good ol' Jersey Devil there on the cover and it's a rather fine likeness, if you ask me. 

So Cohen takes this slim paperback (a mere 97 pages with illustrations yet) to focus on those monsters less talked about; he has OTHER books discussing things like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster.  Here Cohen focuses on what we would now probably call cryptids.  Starting with the Jersey Devil (definitely a cryptid), Cohen moves on to the early Victorian-era terror of London called Spring-Heeled Jack (not really a cryptid but I'm not sure what you'd call him -- an urban legend perhaps?).  Spring-Heeled Jack has long been a favourite of mine ever since I first read about him in one of Robert Cahill's books.  Next is a chapter on "Phantom Animals" which is kinda less interesting to me; such things as the Phantom Puma and other large cats seen mainly in England as well as . . . kangaroo encounters in Chicago (!).  "The Hairy Hands of Dartmoor" get the next chapter and that is something I first heard about, I think, in a BBC radio play of the same name; a long, deserted road in Dartmoor finds motorists encountering the hairy hands which suddenly appear and grab the steering wheel causing them to crash.  Demon Dogs is the next chapter featuring countless 'black dog' legends as well as mention of the Sherlock Holmes story "HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES".  Following that chapter is "Big Big Birds" focusing mainly on the native American legend of the Thunderbird.  "The Dover Demon" gets his chance to shine and he is DEFINITELY a cryptid; a big-headed spindly-bodied creature who sure looks like your typical denizen from a flying saucer.  Next is a chapter on "The Biggest Snake"; mainly about anacondas -- followed by the very odd Tazelworm (a lizard sorta creature with 2 legs) which I never heard of before reading Daniel Cohen's book.  Cohen wraps up his slim paperback with a chapter on "Goatmen and Grunches"; relatives of the satyr Pan.  All Daniel Cohen books, whether I read them as a kid (and a read quite a few of them then) or am just catching up with them now, are like a cuddly blanket of nostalgia for me and this one was no exception.  Boy, for my 70's childhood when all things spooky were widely available to we creepy kids.  Ain't like boring nowadays?     

THE LAST HOUSE ON DEAD END STREET (1973)

 "THESE PARTIES GET TO BE SUCH A DRAG AFTER A WHILE." 

Yep, that's what a character says in the movie and, I think, that's what director/actor/screenwriter/producer/editor Roger Watkins is trying to get across in this flick.  When the same guy, a purveyor of trashy flix, screens one his films his companion looks at the washed-out B&W image and scoffs "That's SOME exposure" to which our filmmaker replies "Well, haven't got the money to reshoot".  Both of these quotes, I think, really describe this film: a no-budget, overdubbed mess that probably has something to say but just doesn't have the money or talent to do it well.  Roger Watkins, by all accounts, HATED making porn flicks but made several.  In fact, the version of THE LAST HOUSE ON DEAD END STREET I watched was a scratched-up special feature on Vinegar Syndromes blu-ray of a Watkins porn called CORRUPTION.  When I found out LAST HOUSE was a hidden easter egg on the blu ray, I bought it for that alone.  I'm not sure if VS ever got around to issuing a remastered, beautiful print of LAST HOUSE on blu-ray but I think I'd rather have this one; washed-out, scratched-up print that is the essence of 42nd Street.  A pristine print of LAST HOUSE wouldn't be right, somehow.  

The premise of the film is that a recently released from prison Terry Hawkins (Roger Watkins himself) is mad at the world and decides to get his revenge by making snuff films.  Inside that skeleton of a plot is a lot of weirdness that could only exist in a grimy little early-70's horror movie tailor-made for the grindhouses of 42nd Street!  The aforementioned B&W film that is shown has a huge amount of grunge on the bottom of it's frame; obviously added deliberately to up the grime factor.  This perplexed filmmaker with the boring B&W film is named Jim Palmer and he just doesn't understand that sex doesn't sell anymore.  Palmer is showing this B&W film while his wife is being whipped in the next room wearing nothing but her undies and (believe-it-or-not) extreme blackface!  In front of an entire party full of people.  And no, I don't know why this scene is included. . . other than to demonstrate how jaded the modern (1970s) world has become.  He wants to make films that are 'real'; so killing people on camera is the ultimate in 'real' for Hawkins.  

Meanwhile, Hawkins is busy making his more disturbing films featuring a guy in what looks like a Greek God mask from a production of ANTIGONE as well as Hawkins (and others)himself wearing one of those creepy, clear make-up faces mostly remembered from ALICE, SWEET ALICE.  The film mostly consists of people talking and the acting here is practically non-existent.  But somehow it works.  Amateur acting done with no live sound and dubbed later is oddly dream-like and that's what this whole weird movie excels in.  I'd say the vibe I got from LAST HOUSE is a little but CARNIVAL OF SOULS and a little bit MESSIAH OF EVIL and a little but DEMENTIA aka DAUGHTER OF HORROR.  Of course, there is also a heavy influence of Herschell Gordon Lewis in the homemade gore effects reminiscent of BLOOD FEAST etc.  Alexander Tarsk is credited as Director of Photography and he actually shows some flair with his shots and compositions.  The sound design is also incredibly odd and contributes to the nightmare quality of the film.  'Musical Supervision' for the bizarre sound design of the film is given to Claude Armand -- but I suspect Watkins might be behind that as well since it's so weird.  Somehow the endless inept dialogue is NOT boring but weirdly fascinating and the sex scenes are deliberately NOT sensual but ugly; displaying Watkins' obviously dislike.  And the lead performance by Roger Watkins here is strangely both inept and perfectly-cast; his nihilistic attitude may be a little more ingrained in the actor/director that just playing a character.  The fact is that the film gets a lot less interesting when Watkins is not on the screen; he's something of a skid row Orson Welles, I guess.  Can't deny he has incredible screen presence.  The whole film really makes you want to take a shower and that's absolutely what Watkins was going for here.  I can't say I give LAST HOUSE a recommend but somehow I enjoyed it in spite of myself.  The gritty point-of-view Watkins is trying to put across succeeds almost perfectly.  And hilariously, after a warped bacchanalia of gruesome gore scenes a voiceover is tacked on at the very end naming Hawkins and all his fellow murderous band and stating "... were all later apprehended and are in the state penitentiary."  That's probably the funniest part of the entire film; a nod to the silly imposition of 'crime does not pay' the Hollywood Hayes Code forced on filmmakers back in the day which were now being relaxed in the early 1970s.  Watkins' final joke on his audience.

  

ONYX THE FORTUITOUS AND THE TALISMAN OF SOULS (2023)

 "WHEN IN DOUBT, SKEWER IT OUT!"

 

Another horror movie from last year, this one is a horror-comedy which accomplishes the rare result in being very funny as well as having a great plot, great acting and great directing.  Onyx's frequent muttering of "I dunno" is kinda how I felt while watching this:  I dunno how this movie could be so good!  No less an authority than the god-like Joe Lynch said on his letterboxd review of this movie that ". . . this is kinda what I wanted KNIGHTS OF BADASSDOM to be".  Now, I haven't seen the Joe Lynch-directed BADASSDOM yet but he seems to think he failed while directing that movie and wishes it was like ONYX.  Now, I think that's pretty high praise indeed (and also I think Lynch is being too hard on himself since many other reviews I've read have a lot of positive things to say about BADASSDOM).  Ah, but I digress.  Andrew Bowser wrote, directed and stars in the film as Marcus; a neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie who works at the fast food greasy spoon the Meat Hut but insists on being called 'Onyx the Fortuitous' and enters a contest run by the satanic superstar Bartok the Great. 

Our 5 Contest Winners

After winning a trip to Bartok's mansion, Onyx meets up with the other 4 contest-winners who are being offered a chance at immortality if they join in His Satanic Majesty Bartok's rituals to raise the demon Abbadon.  Bartok and his delegate Farrah give the 5 peridot amulets to wear (which they must never take off) and test them by having them shed blood over Bartok's demonic grimoire to see if it accepts them.  Each person is accepted because they fulfill a prophesied role corresponding to a page in the satanic 'book of blood'.  I have to say that Bowser is a heck of a writer because not only is the script genuinely funny but also features well-defined and complex characters for every single cast member to play.  And play them they do; to the highest degree of tastiness.  Andrew Bowser as Onyx, with his chipmunk voice and awkward dweebiness is apparently annoying to some viewers but I found him very comical.  The rest of the cast is uniformly excellent.  The 4 other contest winners -- Rivkah Reyes as too-cool-for-school Mack, Terrence 'T.C.' Carson as satan-worshipping teacher Mr. Duke, Arden Myrin as goofy suburban housewife/Satanist Shelley and Melanie Chandra as the sultry Jesminder are all flawless, funny and fleshed-out performances. 

Olivia Taylor Dudley carrying the grimoire

Olivia Taylor Dudley as the green-haired, green-eyed Satanic assistant Farrah is worthy of particular praise as she runs the gamut from dismissive evil to trapped prisoner of Bartok.  And speaking of Bartok, it took me about 20 minutes to realize that he is played by the great Jeffrey Combs; almost unrecognizable with shaved head, eye patch and curly whiskers. 

Combs is having one hell of a time playing the evil satanist but his performance is not campy or thrown-away but also top notch.  And rounding out the cast is a brief appearance by the great Barbara Crampton as Onyx's dissolute-ish mother. 

Barbara Crampton, Andrew Bowser & Jeffrey Combs!

Crampton & Combs together again.  The script by Bowser gives the entire cast tasty lines which contain many in-jokes for those 'in the know' about horror movies.  When kicking Onyx's father out of the house (who is ALSO played by Combs), Crampton can be heard to derisively yell at him:  "Get a job in a sideshow!"  I mean, how priceless is that??!?!?!!!!!  The practical effects by Miles Berwick, Emma Jones & Mariah Keirns are top notch as well. 

Abbadon outside the Meat Hut

Whenever someone is ritually murdered with the 'knife of Dagon', they turn into very BEETLEJUICEY-looking ghouls similar to the guy with his head shrunk in the waiting room in that Tim Burton film.  They are great and goofy-looking which still being a little spooky! 

ONYX THE FORTUITOUS AND THE TALISMAN OF SOULS was a complete surprise to me.  It was a blind buy and I really had NO clue about anything concerning the film INCLUDING the participation of Combs and Crampton.  Once I watched it, I can't tell you how pleasantly surprised I was at this sorta horror version of MURDER BY DEATH or CLUE.  This is one I'll be watching over and over again!!! 

The nostalgic Sundance Poster

SHOCK CINEMA (1991)

 EARLY THIS YEAR, TEMPE DIGITAL RELEASED THE SHOCK CINEMA COLLECTION CONSISTING OF ALL FOUR VOLUMES ORIGINALLY RELEASED ON VHS IN 1991. 

Produced and hosted by scream queen Brinke Stevens, these were four hour-long 'talking head' documentaries featured a handful of horror filmmakers.  The style of the docs is not complete interviews which each person; a filmmaker will talk on a subject for a sentence or two then cut to another filmmaker talking on the same or similar subject for a sentence or two and on and on.  

VOLUME ONE features interviews with Charles Band, Fred Olen Ray, Jeff Burr, C. Courtney Joyner, Dave DeCoteau, Scott Spiegel, J.R. Bookwalter, Dan Peterson, Ernest D. Farino, Christopher Roth and Mark Thomas McGee.   This was incredibly dry even for me. There is nothing wrong with so-called 'talking heads' docs; it's what the heads are talking about which makes the difference. Unfortunately, these talking heads are not talking about horror or horror movies but instead are complaining about big budget studio constrictions, budgets and money problems and more the business end of movie making which is extremely UN-interesting to me. Anecdotes about what happened during filming or the genre of horror itself would've been preferred. Maybe it was the time (1991) but the decision to focus almost exclusively on the business end of filmmaking really has nothing to do with horror movies and what we horror fans are interested in.  This is more for someone trying to make a no-budget movie . . . but in 1991 so the whole thing is dated and not much use to anyone nowadays.   Rating: ⭐️⭐️ = Not So Hot

VOLUME TWO features interviews with Robert Quarry, Forrest J. Ackerman, Melissa Moore, Ted Newsom, John Goodwin, Deanna Lund, Michael Burnett, Frederick Bailey, Gary Graver, Joel Bender and Steve Neill.  This is a marked improvement simply because it doesn't focus on the business/technical end of filmmaking but actually DOES feature personal anecdotes on making horror films which would interest everyone who ISN'T an accountant of film producer.  F'rinstance, Robert Quarry telling how he convinced the filmmakers of COUNT YORGA, VAMPIRE to make an actual vampire movie instead of the softcorn porn flick they were planning and then how, when he saw the very rough cut of the film, Quarry was convinced it was junk . . . until he saw the final film and the audience response to it.  We also get a sequence where Brinke Stevens goes to the Acker Museum (which still existed in 1991) to visit Forrest J. Ackerman and that really breaks up the 'talking head' aspect of this volume.  It was so nostalgic to see Forry telling his patented, famous anecdotes which we used to hear all the time but haven't heard since he stepped on the rainbow.  You never know what you've got till it's gone.  I don't know . . . this was just so much more interesting than the first volume because it's all about personal experiences from these horror maestros.  And seeing Ted Newsom here along with John Goodwin, it made me think WHY OH WHY DOESN'T SOMEONE PUT OUT A BLU RAY of Newsom's 1988 horror documentary MONSTERS & MANIACS hosted by Brinke Stevens?!?!?!  C'mon Tempe Digital!!!  Let's have a blu ray!!!!   Rating:  ⭐️⭐️⭐️ = A Good'n

VOLUME THREE features interviews with Linnea Quigley, Michelle Bauer, Judy Landers,  Michael Sonye, Billy Jayne, Olivia Barash, Jim Hacket and Arlene Golonka.  This time we have a subtitle:  BLOOPERS, BABES & BLOOD!  Whoa!, five seconds into this third volume we have bazooms!  I really wasn't expecting that.  But another BIG improved over the first two volumes is this time we have movie clips.  The first volume especially would've benefitted greatly from copious amounts of movie stills if not actual clips from trailers etc.  It would have livened up the dry financial talk.  Volume Two was so much better simply because the talking heads were talking about horror movies instead of balance sheets.  So yeah, opening volume 3 with wonderfully cheezy 80's synth music and horror flick clips was very much appreciated by this viewer.  Having said that, this volume is completely different from the first two volumes in that there are NO interviews here at all.  This volume is solely movie clips and trailers and a blooper reel.  So, it's best to know that from the beginning and not be waiting for interviews which will never come.  The volume is broken up into sections:  a sort-of Tribute to T&A, Blood & Gore, Trailers, Action & Special Effects and Bloopers.   Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️ = A Good'n

VOLUME FOUR features interviews with Linnea Quigley, David DeCoteau, David Lange, Bill Morrison, David P. Barton, Rodger Burt, Karen Russell, Stephen Steward and Richard Sebastian.  We also have a subtitle here:  MAKEUP EFFECTS BEHIND THE SCENES.  This volume is also different from all the previous volumes and is more of what I'd call an actual documentary.  Film Clips are shown along with behind the scenes footage which is all narrated by Brinke Stevens.  Volume Three had pretty much no narration to speak of but simply showed the movie clips.  Here we have the scenes from the actual movies paired with special effects shots for that scene showing how it was all done.   Rating:  ⭐️⭐️⭐️ = A Good'n 

So, as an entire collection, I'd say yeah, if you're really interested, it's probably worth a look.  I'd say skip the first volume, though, because that was a serious trudge.  Volume Two is wonderful just to get a chance to hear from these great people.  Volume Three is for those who love trailer collections and clip compilations.  And Volume Four is for readers of FANGORIA who are really into special effects how-to's.         

XTRO (1982)

 LET 'XTRO' BE A LESSON TO YOU:  NEVER THROW A STICK IN THE AIR OR YOU MAY BE ABDUCTED BY ALIENS! 

That's right, life lessons constantly dispensed in horror movies!  And even better when it's on the 'Video Nasties' list!  I run my life dependant upon what I've learned in the video nasties and I suggest you do the same.  What we have here is the UK X-tremely wacky XTRO released in the same year as E.T.:  THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL and I also suggest you watch that as a perfect double feature.  Wait.  Strike that.  You've probably already seen E.T. so just skip it and move straight on to XTRO because it's magically delicious!  Little kid Tony and his Dad are playing fetch with their dog when Dad throws the stick up in the air.  This causes the universe to go all wonky and the sun goes out and there's a lot of wind and Dad gets abducted by aliens.  Three years go by and Tony wakes up in bed with a nightmare.  He goes to Mom's (Bernice Stegers)room where she's bonking her new squeeze Joe (Danny Brainin). 

Back in bed, Tony (Simon Nash) calls for Mom (aka Rachel Phillips) again and he's covered in blood.  It's a gift from Dad, he says.  Well, earlier an wonky alien lands, kills a guy then shows up at a the house of a blonde (though NOT a natural blonde) where he the alien places it's long, alien sucker thang on her mouth then apparently dies.  Blonde woman wakes up and she's HEAVILY pregnant -- I'm talking Hindenburg-sized belly -- and she proceeds to give birth to a full-sized man.  Hey, it's Dad or Sam Phillips (Philip Sayer) who was abducted by aliens three years ago then went down to start Sun Records and has now bloodily pushed his way through a random blonde woman's ho-ho.  Sadly, blonde woman dies.  I don't blame her!  The shot where Sam licks the blood and gore offa himself and bites through the umbilical cord is what video nasty dreams are made of!  Dad/Sam goes back to the woods where he killed that guy earlier and steals his clothes; then he goes to a phone box and calls Rachel.  Unfortunately, all he can do is wheeze into the phone and melt the receiver in his hot little hand.  Alien Sam goes to the car of the guy that he killed and the dead guy's girlfriend is inside.  Later we see the same car which has a fender bender with a trucker.  When the trucker goes around to see the woman inside, he finds her dead with strawberry jam spilled all down her front.  Oh no, it's meant to be her bloody guts ripped out.  My mistake.  Rachel goes to school to pick up Tony but is told his Dad picked him up already.  When Rachel catches up with them, she slaps Sam across the face and Sam says "I'm back."  "Back from where???"  "I'm not sure."  Wow, BABY, I'M BACK was never like this!  Then, when he goes home, Sam likes to eat Tony's pet snake's eggs.  I don't know what pisses Tony's pet snake off more; having some guy eat her eggs or the fact that her name is 'Harry'.  Tony catches Alien Dad in the egg-sucking act and runs off.  Dad chases him and catches up to him; explaining that the aliens took him away and had to change him so that he could live on their world.  And then sucks Tony's bare shoulder like it was a huge zit!  And there's a hot French au pair played by Maryam d'Abo..  And an old lady neighbour played by Anna Wing:  Lou Beale of EASTENDERS.   I mean, if all this doesn't make you wanna RUN to the nearest copy of XTRO on physical media, I don't know what will! 

Sadly, I don't think there's an easily available copy as yet.  I watched mine on my boffo German 5-disc "Platinum Cult Edition" 35th Anniversary blu ray from DDS because those kind Germans obviously realized that a 5 disc edition of this movie (including CD soundtrack) was absolutely necessary to release on the unsuspecting world!  And, of course, it sure was!  The soundtrack composed by director Harry Bromley Davenport sounds like a mix between Isao Tomita and the BBC Radiophonic Workshop DOCTOR WHO scores circa 1980.  And yes, this cd soundtrack is an absolute must as well!  The cast all gives it the ole college try and is pretty much surprisingly good (except, of course, the awful child acting going on).  Bernice Stegers, of course, headlined Lamberto Bava's MACABRE while Danny Brainin (as boyfriend Joe -- "You know me, Sam.  Look British, think Yiddish".) was apparently in YENTL of all things!  Goofily, I watched the sequel XTRO 3 several years before watching the original XTRO owing to the fact that Vinegar Syndrome put XTRO 3 out years ago but STILL hasn't put out XTRO (the damn OG) yet.  I mean, come on what are you waiting for, Vinegar Syndrome????  Tell me you MUST be planning on releasing XTRO soon, right???  Don't let the Germans have all the fun!  I mean, this is great stuff here and I really don't need to talk about it any more than I have to communicate that incontrovertible fact, now do I?  No, I don't . . . . other than to reiterate that tagline on the poster up there:  "When Tony grows up, he's going to be JUST LIKE DADDY!"  Hell yeah, he is!!!  I mean, I would prefer EVER child to be turned into a freaky, blood-sucking alien monster but that's probably just me.

The Hag by Robert Herrick

 

The Hag is astride,

    This night for to ride;

The Devill and shee together:

    Through thick, and through thin,

    Now out, and then in,

Though ne'r so foule be the weather.

    A Thorn or a Burr

    She takes for a Spurre:

With a lash of a Bramble she rides now,

    Through Brakes and through Bryars,

    O're Ditches, and Mires,

She followes the Spirit that guides now.

    No Beast, for his food,

    Dares now range the wood;

But husht in his laire he lies lurking:

    While mischiefs, by these,

    On Land and on Seas,

At noone of Night are working,

    The storme will arise,

    And trouble the skies;

This night, and more for the wonder,

    The ghost from the Tomb

    Affrighted shall come,

Cal'd out by the clap of the Thunder.

                                        -- Robert Herrick  (1591 - 1674)

CASTLE OF BLOOD (1964)

 A MONUMENT OF HORROR! 

Yes, this is a big fave of mine since back in the 1980's when I got my VHS tape from Sinister Cinema.  Last year, Vinegar Syndrome included it in it's box set DANZA MACABRA VOLUME 2 and it's never looked better.  The absolutely exquisite camerawork by Riccardo Pallottini is breathtakingly atmospheric.  But even in a scratchy VHS, CASTLE OF BLOOD is possibly my favourite Barbara Steele film.  The above-mentioned atmospheric cinematography is a huge reason; there is more spooky atmosphere in this film than in any ten movies.  Directed by Antonio Margheriti (Ok Ok get all your INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS play outta the way and we'll continue) with a sure hand that keeps just the correct measured pace (unless, of course, you have no attention span and then well . . . the angels will weep for you) that works perfectly for a gothic horror movie. 

We start things off with reporter Alan Foster (George Riviere) entering the Four Devils pub in London where a visiting Edgar Allan Poe (Silvano Tranquilli who is physically a pretty good approximation of the poet) is holding court at a table telling his tale of 'BERENICE'.  Foster approaches the table saying he's read that story and Poe insists that every single one of his stories truly happened.  They are not fantasies or fiction.  Poe's companion at table is Lord Blackwood (formerly 'Blackblood' before his family cleaned it up) makes Foster a wager that he can't stay the night in Blackwood manor house; no one who has taken the bet has ever emerged alive.  The bet is 100 pounds but Foster can only afford 10; so the bet is on.  Now, while Blackwood, Poe and Foster take their carriage ride to the Blackwood house, I have to tell you that this isn't technically a Halloween movie.  This all takes place on the night of All Souls' (November 2nd) but close enough.  The Halloweeny vibe is so fantastic you can watch this movie in July and it's Halloween. 

But back to the carriage ride.  And the nice thing about the DANZA MACABRE box set is that it not only includes the English-dubbed American version but also includes (for the first time, to my knowledge) the original Italian print which restores previously cut scenes such as what happens in the carriage ride; Foster conducts an interview with Poe which is fascinating.  All prints of the film feature Foster saying he's going to interview the author and then it cuts to their arrival at Blackwood house; however, here we get the scene of their discussion inside the carriage and it's a good one.  Another previously cut but restored scene features some bazoombas, so that's good as well.

Blackwood & Poe drop Foster off at the place and there commences an absolutely beautiful scene of the reporter entering the gate and walking through the cemetery, entering the stables then the house proper and exploring the downstairs rooms.  Anyone who thinks this goes on too long is insane and you need your movie-watching license revoked.  Again, why are you watching horror films at all since you apparently have no idea what they are about.  THIS is what they are about.  If you think this is 'slow' or boring', go watch FOG CITY.  You deserve each other!  But now that my rant against know-nothing tots is concluded, back to CASTLE OF BLOOD. 

Foster encounters the lovely Elizabeth Blackwood (played by the lovely Barbara Steele hallowed be her name) who reveals she is the sister of Lord Blackwood and, every year, he has a bet with somebody who shows up on All Souls' Eve.  Elizabeth wears a long, white nightgown throughout the film in the best 'Had-I-But-Known' gothic tradition. 

She takes Foster upstairs (which she has kept much better maintained than the crumbling first floor) to a bedroom and gets the hots for Foster in record time.  The fun is spoiled by Julia (Margrete Robsahm) whose portrait Foster saw downstairs and seems to turn up in order to spoil Elizabeth's fun.  The two women depart, leaving Foster to read a book on metaphysical science written by a Dr. Carmus.  Soon, Elizabeth shows back up at Foster's door and they quick have a 'roll in ze hay'.  While resting his head on Elizabeth's bosom, he panics when he doesn't hear her heartbeat.  Elizabeth appears dead but then speaks. 

Well, yeah, she IS dead, actually.  All the 'people' in the house are and they are condemned to repeat the least night of their lives every year on All Souls' Eve.  More ghostly characters make their appearances throughout the film as they are condemned to endlessly relive their murders.  This includes Dr. Carmus played by the wonderful Arturo Dominici; who was so memorable in Barbara Steele's first Italian horror film:  Mario Bava's BLACK SUNDAY as the demonic Javutich. 

Here, Dominici is much calmer as Dr. Carmus but he's no less dead and damned.  At certain points, Dr. Carmus acts as a sort of 'Ghost of Christmas Past' to Foster as he accompanies the reporter in watching various scenes from the past re-enacted by the ghosts. Turns out, these ghostly spirits are kinda vampires as well; each year they drink the blood of the poor schlep who makes a bet to stay in the house all night so their ghostly spirits can live again -- if only for one night.  In a great special feature discussion by Stephen Thrower, he posits that this concept of endlessly repeating your last night of life comes from an August Strindberg play called DANCE OF DEATH since there is absolutely NO Edgar Allan Poe story that approximates CASTLE OF BLOOD's plot.  This device coupled with the 'spend the night in a haunted house for a bet' trope has been done probably dozens of times but rarely as well as it's done in CASTLE OF BLOOD. 

As with most of these stories when a skeptic is confronted with the supernatural, there isn't exactly a happy ending as the spook-denier MUST be taught a lesson.  "After all," as Bela Lugosi told us at the curtain of the stage play DRACULA, "there ARE such things!!!".  CASTLE OF BLOOD (or DANZA MACABRA as the Italian version was released) is really the pinnacle of Italian gothic horror of this era with B&W cinematography that is unmatched and a spooky castle set that was (unbelievably) re-used from a Toto comedy film made previously!!!  Margheriti would reuse this set once again in HORROR CASTLE aka LA VERGINE DI NORIMBERGA which, owing to the vagaries of Italian cinema, was made after CASTLE OF BLOOD but released BEFORE it.  Oh and besides ALL this gothic goodness, we also get a cute lil black kitten!

CASTLE OF BLOOD, I reiterate, is one of my absolute faves and it was a joy to rewatch it once again in it's pristine, restored cut of the film.  Boy, what a good'n!