THE FIVE SONGS: ELEVENTH INSTANCE. On this Independence Day, I'm not gonna drag in Bill Pullman. Instead I've been reflecting on independence and the fact that we're never truly independent. We rely on the support and company of friendship. I've been lucky to have more friends than I deserve who put up with my wacky ways. Far from being a little ray of sunshine, I have described myself more as "a squirt of lemon to the eye". I'm acidic and I like it that way. Hell, at least I'm entertaining in my malfunctions. But since I have only five songs here to work with, I have chosen to list five songs which I strongly associate with certain people in my life who I'm grateful to call friends. There are many more, of course, but if you're not here it's no slight; it's just that as yet there is no one song I associate ironclad with you. So get to work on that. And meanwhile, with little comment, here they are -- the songs I cannot escape instantly recalling one person every time I hear it.

1. QUESTION by THE MOODY BLUES -- Person associated with: Cheeks. "Why do we never get an answer when we're knocking at the door?" Good question. Good song. It also has special meaning for Cheeks.

2. 4TH OF JULY by X -- Person associated with: Daddy Pax. How appropriate for today! This just happens to be my favourite X song. And I'm pretty sure it's his too. "On the stairs I smoke a cigarette alone. / Mexican kids are shootin' fireworks below. / Hey baby! / It's the 4th of July!" This song has a lot of energy, it really rocks and it's really punk in the best, most admirable sense. And so is he.

3. WISH I MAY by ANI DIFRANCO -- Person associated with: Ilsa*. "I wonder what happens if i get to the end of this tunnel and there isn't a light / I've worn down the treads on all of my tires." I can relate with the world beating you down. We've both had that. "Don't tell me it's gonna be alright / you can't sell me on your optimism tonight / it's a stiff competition to see who can stay up later / the stars or the street lights / and all they really want is to be alone with the darkness." But the fact remains that through it all she remains fucking strong! How's that for something to aspire to?

4. THIS BITTER EARTH by DINAH WASHINGTON -- Person associated with: Rob. This is also my favourite Dinah song and I first heard it because of this guy. "And if my life is like the dust That hides the glow of a rose / What good am I Heaven only knows / This bitter Earth Can it be so cold." Life is a series of hard knocks and it's realistic to see it that way. However, the song ends on an up note. "And this bitter earth may not be so bitter after all." And still always remains an optimist.

5. GRAVEDIGGER by DAVE MATTHEWS -- Person associated with: Fink. I thought it would be appropriate to end the list in the grave. It would certainly take friendship for me to include a song by Dave Matthews on my list because I am definitely not a fan (Oh, it's SUCH a dark day here in the ole blog). "Gravedigger / when you dig my grave / will you make it shallow / so that I can feel the rain?"

ATTENTION!

Four-inch-nothin' little kitty, brand new to the world and lookin' for trouble, seeks new accommodations. Present owner is patchy and sneezes all over me . . . not to mention spraying me with that damn "keep the dander down" stuff! The noive! With a nose like HE'S got, what does he EXPECT?!?!?

The monicker is "Mr. Stinky Fish Face" but I will answer also to "Little Man". Seeking only those humans who will feed me people food!!! This is a must!!! Won't stand for this cat kibble no more! Oh, and who SERIOUSLY doesn't want a guy to eat their goldfish. Or guppies. Or whatever the hell those things are swimming around in their tank and toying with me. Can a kitten find NO PEACE?!?!?! Apply below.

Oh, and uh. . .meow.

FINK'S BRILLIANT! So, we had to take these idiotic online tutorials at work -- you know the kind, don't you??? And if you don't, SCREW YOU for having a job that DOESN'T take itself overly seriously and make you do these tests. But anyway, we wuz taking 'em and this one was particularly idiotic. You know the kind. . .the kind that doesn't just present the information you need to know but decides it needs to write dialogue and pretend like it's a Broadway play or something. So instead we see these fictional people introducing themselves, going off to a coffee shop -- in short, doing everything except PRESENTING THE INFORMATION WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE LEARNING!!!

And here is the photo:

So, having been forced to sit through endless erroneous patter, the old Finkmaster Flash provided his OWN caption for this photo:

"The doctor said it WAS contagious and we SHOULD have been more careful."

I'm sorry but that works WAY better with that photo than any of the extraneous nonsense that was going on with it.

ERRONEOUS CONCERNS OF SUICIDE. Due to the recent post on Finky's blog (which some people mistakenly mistook as a suicidal poem ), I thought I'd put up something that is also not suicidal but will probably be misconstrued as being so. I was just listening to this song. I love this song. It's very possibly my favourite Crash Test Dummies song. It is also one of the songs (along with John Doan's "Farewell" and a couple others) which I would wish to be played at my own funeral. Of course, since I'm the rottenest one out of EVERYONE I know and the rotten ones hang around forever, I'll probably be doomed to bury you all while I live to 110 -- and therefore there won't be anybody around to see that these songs are played for me. So, because of this near certainty, I'll just put the lyrics here so you'll all know what you're going to miss.

AT MY FUNERAL

"I'm still young but I know my days are numbered,

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and so on,

but a time will come when these numbers have all ended,

and all I've ever seen will be forgotten.

Won't you come to my funeral when my days are done? Life's not long so I hope when I am finally dead and gone that you'll gather round when I am lowered into the ground. When my coffin is sealed and I'm safely six feet under perhaps my friends will see fit then to judge me. Ah, when they pause to consider all my blunders Hope they won't be too quick to begrudge me. Won't you come to my funeral when my days are done? Life's not long so I hope that when I am finally dead and gone you'll gather round as I am lowered into the ground. If I should die before I wake up I pray that the Lord my soul will take but my body my body that's your job. Well, I can't be sure where I'm headed after death to heaven, hell or 'yond to that great vast but if I can I would like to meet my maker there's one or two things I'd sure like to ask. Won't you come to my funeral when my days are done? Life's not long so I hope when I am finally dead and gone you'll gather round as I am lowered into the ground."

BIOPICS. TCM is featuring biopics all through the month of October. Since I will not be devoting October to biopics here in this blog, I thought I'd list a handful of my favourites here and now. They may not be STRICTLY truthful (in fact, they almost NEVER are) but the typical Hollywood embellishments make the biopic one of the staples of the silver screen -- and here are some I find most enjoyable.

AMADEUS (1984) - Oscar winner for Best Picture with Tom Hulce at equal turns boorish and tormented while F. Murray Abraham seethes with envy.

BECKET (1964) - the story of Thomas a Becket (Richard Burton) who starts off as the carousing chum of King Henry II (Peter O'Toole) only to find himself facing off against him as Archbishop of Canterbury

BRAVEHEART (1995) - Mel Gibson's Oscar-winning film about Scotland's freedom fighter William Wallace knocking heads with the superbly reptilian King Edward Longshanks (Patrick MacGoohan).

CLEOPATRA (1934) - Nothing beats Claudette Colbert as Queen of the Nile with direction by Cecil B. DeMille!

ED WOOD (1994) - Tim Burton's highly fictionalized but "heart-in-the-right-place" account of the "little engine that could" film director played whimsically by Johnny Depp with Martin Landau's Oscar-winning (if inaccurate) portrayal of Bela Lugosi.

EL CID (1961) - The crusading Spanish hero portrayed by Charlton Heston (who ends up in the final reel leading his army dead and strapped upright on his horse) and his bride Sophia Loren (who refused to wear "old age make-up" and doesn't age throughout the decades of the film's story). Pure epic bombast as only Hollywood could dish it up. ELIZABETH (1998) - Cate Blanchett owns Elizabeth I (sorry, Bette) but we'll see how she does in the upcoming sequel.

GANDHI (1982) - Another Oscar winner with Ben Kingsley as the saintly Indian revolutionary and an all-star cast pulling off an epic in the 80's

GOODFELLAS (1990) - some may not consider this a biopic but it is actually the true life story (from childhood on) of mobster Henry Hill (Ray Liotta).

THE MAN WHO SAW TOMORROW (1981) - One of a long line of "not really" documentaries which re-enacts the life of French prophet Nostradamus hosted/narrated with de riguer gravity by Orson Welles.

MARY OF SCOTLAND (1936) - Admittedly minor John Ford film with Katharine Hepburn as a preposterously saintly Mary, Queen of Scots. She looks great, though.

THREE LITTLE WORDS (1950) - the MGM musical life story of the songwriting partnership of Bert Kalmar (Fred Astaire) and Harry Ruby (Red Skelton) is one of my all-time favourite musicals. Packed with great songs (Who's Sorry Now, Nevertheless, Thinking Of You, I Wanna Be Loved By You) and also featuring the beloved Vera-Ellen (as well as one of the first screen appearances of Debbie Reynolds).

TILL THE CLOUDS ROLL BY (1946) - light and fluffy Hollywood version of the life of songwriter Jerome Kern; also PACKED with great songs and musical numbers as only MGM could do them.

TOWER OF LONDON (1939) - actually the life of Richard III (Basil Rathbone) with a little help from Shakespeare and the Universal studios monster factory. Also features Boris Karloff as Morg the executioner and an early role for Vincent Price (who is drowned in a butt of malmsey).

WILSON (1944) - Great biopic of cold fish President Woodrow Wilson starring cold fish Alexander Knox and an all-star cast. The unlikeliest President to base an epic film upon but it works tremendously well for me. Darryl F. Zanuck's labour of love.

I'VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN! Why did they discontinue the Marathon Bar?!? Back in the day (1973-1981), M&M/Mars made this incredibly long candy bar called Marathon which was chocolate and caramel. But it was braided as you can see in this old ad featuring Patrick Wayne (yes, he's John Wayne's son) hawking the candy bar. I personally don't remember it being around THAT long; I seem to only remember it in the late 70's but apparently it hung in there for almost a decade before it was discontinued.

This just joins the LONG list of great foods that (for some reason) they don't make any more. Things like KOOGLE (a spread that was LIKE peanut butter but NOT peanut butter--it came in chocolate, banana and strawberry flavours if I remember correctly.) And you'll notice that it says "peanut spread" on the label -- but that must be a later incarnation because the Koogle that I smeared between 2 slices of bread (sometimes with Marshmallow Fluff added) had no peanuts (butter or otherwise) in it; in fact it was of much the same consistency as Marshmallow Fluff -- only dark DARK brown (much darker than the stuff pictured here -- much the same color as dark chocolate) or flourescent yellow or pink. I'm sure the stuff was made outta chemicals, plastic and wax -- and THAT'S why it tasted so good!!! God bless the 70's when they let you eat food that would kill ya! Then there was Aspen soda (it was apple flavoured - and yes it was good). This photo also causes me some form of consternation since my recollection is of a can with a white background -- not green like this one here. Or Tuna Twist (a box of stuff that you added to tuna fish to both soup up the flavour with herbs and spices as well as stretch the tuna so it made a little bit more sandwich-wise). Bizarrely, I still remember the jingle for Tuna Twist and, if you're ever around I can sing it to you: "Tuna Twist makes tuna taste fresh as a garden!" Sorry, the lame internet doesn't have a photo of Tuna Twist! And speaking of souping up. . .remember Soup Starter: that canister of dried stuff that you added water and meat to make a pot of (sorta) homemade soup??? Nope, internet ain't got a photo of THAT either. Bitches.

Some formerly thought lost food items which I have recently discovered STILL are made include that wonderful "stuff" Gerber's Blueberry Buckle (thanks to Cheekies for finding that one still on the shelves -- yes, it's baby food and yes, I'm OK with that. I can only describe it as a sorta blueberry puddin'!) and the wonderful, delectable Blackjack Gum (which sadly is only made certain times of the year -- much like Count Chocula cereal -- but, when it IS made it can be found in that silly general store type area in Cracker Barrel restaurants!

So, what "no longer made" food items do YOU miss? C'mon, Finky, you KNOW you're almost suicidal over Ragu's decision to discontinue Mama's Rich 'N' Meaty spaghetti sauce!

TRAN BACH UPDATE. OK, so someone else with a funny name just died so we have a NEW Pitneyspeak word for you all to memorize and use in daily conversation.

DATTA DAUJEKER (pronounced Datta Dow Jeeker) - definition: "My computer's frozen! Control Alt Delete isn't working! I hate technology. Nertz to Bill Gates!"

IN THEATERS NOW!

TRAN BACH DANG: A GUIDE TO PITNEYSPEAK. OK, so a few month's ago I posted a posty that explained how Tran Bach Dang was a way to say: "Buy me a soda". For those of you not in the know, Tran Bach Dang was some Vietnam War figure who died this year. The soda connection comes from my trying to explain to Finky who Tran Bach Dang was. . .but at that point Finky wasn't paying any attention to me due to an overwhelming thirst. So he just blurted out: "So, does that translate to 'You're buying me a soda?!?" Thus an immortal term was born.

Of course, since then I've decided - - wouldn't it be a great thing to assign OTHER people who died this year (and had funny names) a new meaning as well. That way they will always be with us -- AND we can have more fun communicating around the ole workplace. And since we never do any actual WORK there, we might as well do something like this. Therefore, behold the NEW Pitneyspeak Dictionary of Terms. Keep in mind that more terms may be added to the lexicon as more and more silly-named people kick off. Also, please feel free to use these terms at your very OWN workplace. Don't worry, I won't charge you a royalty for using them . . . unless I hear about it from somebody.

A note: most of these names can be used as exclamations but, where applicable, I will provide a usage in a sentence. Also, when I want you to pronounce it a certain way (other than how one might assume it is pronounced), I will provide a pronunciation guide as well. But please, keep in mind that every single term is an actual person's name who died this year; check it out on imdb if you don't believe me.

So now on with the dictionary:

*

TRAN BACH DANG - means "Buy me a soda!"

BONG SOO HAN - means "I need some fucking ice cream!"

TAT-WAH CHO - means "Both of 'em?" as in "Are those your skis?" "Yes" (PAUSE) "Tat-wah cho?"

LALE ORALOGLU (pronounced Lolly Oral Oh Glue) - means "Lend me some licorice."

HRANT DINK - means "Gimme your eggroll! NOW!"

CLAUDE GAI - means "Shave your nipples!" as in "Fink! Claude Gai!"

DA-BIN JEONG - means "Your shoe's untied."

POMPIN IGLESIAS - means "Slacking" or "To Slack" as in "Will you do something?!? You've been sitting around all day pompin iglesias!"

PETER POCOCK - (pronounced Peter Poe Cock) - see Isabella Blow

ISABELLA BLOW - see Peter Pocock

HERBERT FUX (pronounced. . .Oh, YOU know how to pronounce it) - means "Aw! Who shit down the side of the toilet again?!? I mean, how can you go in there and not realize your crack's not lined up properly? I mean, really!!!" as in "Someone Herbert Fuxed!"

TERRY MAJOR-BALL - mean "Damn, I have a headache!"

DRISS CHRAIBI - means "You've got something hanging off your chin."

POORNACHANDRA TEJASWI - means "Gezundheit"

OSMO HARKIMO - means "Huh?"

WAHID-UD-DIN ZIA-UD-DIN AHMED - mean "Um . . . no."

SVATOPLUK BENES (pronounced Svatopluk Beans) - means "Excuse me, your balls are showing."

EEKI MANTERE (pronounced Eeki Man Teer) - means "Let's do lunch"

KNOCK YOKOYAMA - means "I'm gonna punch you right in the throat!"

CHARLES NELSON REILLY - see Peter Pocock

BING DEVINE - means "I like it" or "That's good"

OUSMANE SEMBENE (pronounced Ooze Main Sem Beenie) - means "Don't sit in that! It's all oogey!" or any other variation of "Look out there's something disgusting there; don't get any on ya!"

DEBBI DATZ-PYLE - means "Look Out! I've got the runs!"

DRAGOLJUB LUKOV - means "I think I've got milkshake poisoning!"

HON LAM BAAU - means "What's that? You're buying me lunch?!?"

TSOU-CHOI TSANG (pronounced SUE CHOY SANG) - means "Shit!"

MIODRAG NIKOLIC - means "Um, Fink's Mom . . . you're leaking."

*

Study up and let Pitneyspeak enrich your language.

WELL FOLKS, THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME CONTROVERSY over whether it's more fun to make fun of Pemberton or Browns Mills. Whaddayoo think? To make the decision a little more easy for you, I thought I'd post some "YOU MAY BE FROM BROWNS MILLS IF. . ." photos. Let's take a vote and see whether Pemberton or Browns Mills is funnier. Then, of course, I can just go back and change ALL of these photos to the winning (or is that LOSING) town. Please feel free to click on the pictures so you can see them better. So. . .

YOU MAY BE FROM BROWNS MILLS IF. . .You show up to your engagement photo in a shirt that says THIS!

YOU MAY BE FROM BROWNS MILLS IF. . .This is your wedding photo.

YOU MAY BE FROM BROWNS MILLS IF. . .Your wedding reception looks like THIS.

YOU MAY BE FROM BROWNS MILLS IF. . .Your wedding cake looks like THIS.

YOU MAY BE FROM BROWNS MILLS IF. . .Your wife is quoted in the newspaper as having said THIS.

And now, to be fair, we now have:

THE PEMBERTON HARLEY:

A GAME OF PEMBERTON HORSESHOES:

A PEMBERTON PALM PILOT:

A PEMBERTON PET CARRIER:

Geez, all this controversy and I don't live in either one of them there towns. And all this time I thought that it was MAPLE SHADE that was the only surviving alien colony on earth!!!

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A DARK RED S10 RUNS OVER A DEER? AND THE OWNER OF THE S10 LIVES IN PEMBERTON?

Well. . .it's called the Pemberton Doorbell. Only a Finky in Pemberton would have a deer butt as a doorbell!

DANG, DANG'S DEAD! I'm just taking this little opportunity to make mention of the fact that last April saw the passing of Tran Bach Dang; the man who gave his name to the Vietnamese phrase loosely translated as: "So, are you gonna buy me a soda?!?"

So, in order to commemorate this cultural icon, everybody buy your friend a soda today.

Come on, your buddy looks thirsty.

ALL RIGHT!!! WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS?!?!?!?!

A PERFECT DOUBLE FEATURE: INDEPENDENCE DAY & TWISTER.

So, I like Independence Day but I LOVE Twister!!! And could you think of a better movie double feature than watching both of 'em back to back. HEY KIDS! IT'S THE BATTLIN' BILLS -- Paxton AND Pullman UNLEASHED!!!

Now, I watch Twister at LEAST once a year. I have this little ritual; usually in May or June (right when Tornado season is heating up) I pop in the ole Twister DVD and watch it. I don't watch ID4 nearly as much but I don't LOVE that movie like I LOVE Twister. Although ID4 is a wonder, too. Witness that AMAZING Bill Pullman speech (which hopefully you can watch right below this blog). Then there's the embarrassing Judd Hirsch performance; we haven't seen the likes of THIS since The Goldbergs went off the air in the 1950's. But hey, it's got Harvey Fierstein in it, fer goshsakes! What's not to love? And a scraggily-haired Brent Spiner! There's Robert Loggia growling all over the place. Oh, and that Randy Quaid performance; just a tad less subdued than his National Lampoon's Vacation appearances. Of course, the shocking thing is that both Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum are actually quite good in their roles.

Now, you may have noticed. . .I don't think EITHER movie is GOOD. In fact, they're both pretty bad. But that's what makes them fun. And I love love LOVE that Twister! What could be better than Academy Award winner Helen Hunt and Not-Quite-Academy Award winner Bill Paxton speeding along the countryside chasing tornadoes (and tying themselves to. . .what? A pipe?!?). Then there's also the appearance of Academy Award winner Philip Seymour Hoffman (you didn't forget HE was in this, did you?) as the totally rad, goofy twister chaser accompanied by a bevy of cardboard characters who all play it as "cute-crazy" loons. I believe the correct word for all their characterizations would be "Quirky". They all go by nicknames like "Dusty" and "Preacher" -- hey, and Alan "Cameron" Ruck from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" is ONE of them!!! And HIS nickname is "Rabbit". Sweet! Add to that Cary Elwes (Robin Hood, where's your tights?!?) who only plays it straight and dramatic when he's making a comedy film (and THAT'S what makes him funny) as the obnoxious "rival" tornado hunter and Jami Gertz (who does a 180 from her sultry vampire chick in "The Lost Boys") as Paxton's anal drip of a new fiance. How can you lose?!?!? I love this movie. I'm gonna go watch it now! And don't get the wrong impression; I don't love this movie and watch it over and over in order to ridicule it. . .it's not one of those "so bad it's good" things. I really ENJOY watching the movie; just because a film isn't well-made or is, in fact, cheesy doesn't mean it can't be a thoroughly entertaining experience. I'm not a snob. I love "Citizen Kane" but I also love "Twister". No apologies and no regrets. And no, I don't hate myself in the morning.

So stay tuned for next time when I bring you the ULTIMATE double feature bill: "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" paired with "Donnie Darko". If you have to ask WHY that's a PERFECT double feature, then I'm obviously wasting my breath on you. Game over, dudes. Game over!

And how YOU doin'???

YOU WANNA CRY??? That's the question the Finkmeister asked me this morning when he showed me this story. "No!" I said but he showed it to me anyway. And here I am showing it to you. It's about a little dog named George in New Zealand who stood up to two attacking pit bulls to protect five kids. . .and died in the process. You can read the full story by clicking here. I urge you to click on it and read the complete report. Suffice it to say, this fits in very well with Finky's anti-pit bull story on his own blog (there's a link to it over there on the right). It seems not only were the two pit bulls allowed to run loose but they also were probably routinely given methamphetamines to make them MORE vicious. Cute. In my opinion, the owners of the pit bulls (who were found and destroyed) should be prosecuted for attempted murder. Poor little George would not let the pit bulls get at the children (one of whom was 4 years old) but challenged the pit bulls again and again while the children ran for help. By the time help came, George's wounds were too great and he had to be put down. This brave little dog never stood a chance but he wouldn't give up and run away. . . and George didn't even BELONG to any of the children. He was merely protecting some defenseless children (some of whom most certainly would have been killed in the attack if it hadn't've been for little George). This is something that never should have happened and, even though it made me feel like crying, I'm glad Finkster showed me the story. And yes, this is just ONE MORE pit bull attack story to be added to the MOUNTAIN of pit bull attack stories we hear about nearly every day. When exactly will these "pit-bull apologists" admit how dangerous these dogs can be. And no, it's not demonizing pit bulls; that's only their natures, it's true. However, that's the nature of a Bengal tiger also. . .and we don't see people keeping THEM as pets. So WHY exactly is it OK to keep pit bulls as pets? Lions and tigers and bears are inappropriate as pets. And yeah, so are pit bulls. Deal with it.