THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM [1991]

 1991-1993 WAS SMACK-DAB AT THE HEIGHT OF MY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH CHARLES BAND!  Or Full Moon Entertainment, to be more precise and less click-baity. 

And my friend Cheeks and I were big-time fans!  Right across Route 73 was the Blockbuster Video we now frequented since it swallowed up Erol's Video Store.  I can't remember if Cheeks or I saw our first Full Moon Video sitting there on the shelf; maybe we both discovered them at the same time and told each other about it.  Not the best movies, maybe, but boy did they have a sense of fun and spirit.  Long before apres-credits scenes were a thing, I can remember the joy and wonder of first discovering that, if you sat through (or rather fast forwarded through) the end credits of a Full Moon VHS, a secret treasure awaited you that was at the time unknown except for the real fans:  Full Moon Video Zone.  A little bonus from ole Charlie Band to the fans that was a sort of video magazine/making of/coming attractions treat!  And that's a long way to go to get to the movie at hand here:  1991's THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM directed by Stuart Gordon and starring Lance Henriksen as Torquemada.  This is one of those videos I rented back at this time and I remember not liking it.  I don't know why.  Maybe it was because it wasn't very "Full Moon" like?  I was already a big fan of Stuart Gordon's movies so what gives?!?!  I don't know but I guess I wasn't in the right mood to watch it when I did?  Well, after a few decades I gave it another try on blu-ray instead of VHS and this time I thought it was good.  Not fantastic, but quite good.  

Apparently another studio was going to make this Stuart Gordon film starring Peter O'Toole as Torquemada but the deal fell through.  All credit to Charles Band for picking up the film and allowing Gordon (albeit with a much smaller budget) to make the movie.  There's a lot of really good stuff here but somehow for me the film doesn't equal the sum of its parts entirely.  Let's list the great stuff.  Lance Henriksen as Torquemade gives a terrific performance; he's believably conflicted and unhinged by his religious zealotry and conveys his multitude of issues brilliantly.  Also deserving of acting props is Rona De Ricci as female lead Maria. 

This is only one of two films De Ricci made which is astonishing because her performance here is excellent.  The always excellent Jeffrey Combs is a sheer delight giving inquisitor Francisco a jaded sly wit which lightens the often grim proceedings.  Another absolutely stellar performance is by veteran character actor Frances Bay as Esmeralda; who must be the only ACTUAL witch the Spanish Inquisition ever imprisoned!  Frances Bay has always been a helluvan actor and has a credit list as long as Reed Richards' arm and here she's just as delightfully funny and sympathetic as ever.  The little exchange between Jeffrey Combs and Frances Bay as she's on her way to be burned at the stake is priceless! 

And then there's the cameo by Oliver Reed as the Pope's legate who has come to tell Torquemade to knock it off with all the torture stuff.  Contrary to popular believe, Reed wasn't drunk when on screen.  According to Stuart Gordon himself, Reed got roaring drunk beforehand but Monday morning he was on set early, sober and prepared.  Reed is also fantastic in his small but pivotal role as the Cardinal who falls afoul of Torquemade a la "A CASK OF AMONTILLADO".  The movie looks fantastic as well with production design by Full Moon vet Giovanni Natalucci (FROM BEYOND, TERROR VISION, DOLLS) and set decoration by Dario Argento-collaborator Maurizio Garrone (TENEBRE, INFERNO) also getting high marks.  Richard Band, as usual, lifts Carl Orff's CARMINA BURANA for his musical score this time.  All in all, Full Moon's/Stuart Gordon's adaptation of the classic Poe tale is very good but somehow for me is lacking something I can't put my (tortured) finger on.

THE CLASSIC DOCTOR WHO FIELD OF 64

I AM TOLD THAT EVERY MARCH THERE'S A THING CALLED MARCH MADNESS.  I wouldn't know about such things.  However, since this is the 10th anniversary of this blog . . . and since doing Fields of 64 is his thing, my pal Sweet Cheeks has suggested that I do a "Field of 64" of my own of the best Classic DOCTOR WHO stories.

Now, I suppose this sorta thing would've been very appropriate two years ago when DOCTOR WHO was celebrating it's 50th anniversary but, hey, I saved it for this blog's 10th.  I have been watching DOCTOR WHO since 1977 or 1978 when my Dad's friend Ronnie told me about this cool British science-fiction show airing weeknights on PBS.  You know, the ones which had the Howard DaSilva "previously on DOCTOR WHO narration".  The very first episode of DOCTOR WHO I ever saw was the second or third (I can't remember which) episode of PYRAMIDS OF MARS and I was immediately hooked!  So yes, my first Doctor was Tom Baker and he still remains my favourite.  Since the first Tom Baker story I ever saw was PYRAMIDS OF MARS, I thought I'd mention briefly the first story of each Doctor I ever saw.  My first William Hartnell was appropriately AN UNEARTHLY CHILD; the first ever episode of the series.  My first Patrick Troughton story was THE SEEDS OF DEATH.  The first Jon Pertwee story I ever saw was the psychedelic THE CLAWS OF AXOS.  And from then on I saw all the other Doctors when their very first episodes were new and originally aired on PBS:  Peter Davison's debut CASTROVALVA, Colin Bakers' THE TWIN DILEMMA and Sylvester McCoy's TIME AND THE RANI.  Yikes!  Those last two!!! 

Sweet Cheeks, henceforth known for the duration of this Field of 64 as Jon Pertcheeks, (pictured below)

is going to be doing his own Classic WHO Field of 64 over at his own blog (click here) while I'll be doing my own version right here this month.  Now the rules are very simple.  I will be selecting my own Field of 64 favourite classic DOCTOR WHO stories.  Now, that means the original DOCTOR WHO series from AN UNEARTHLY CHILD to SURVIVAL.  The 1996 TV movie and the subsequent reboot series starting in 2005 and continuing to this day are not eligible.

As this is the very first time I've attempted a "Field of 64" (whereas Jon Pertcheeks is an old pro at this kind of thing), I'll just stumble along as best I can.  For those of you in the know, you're aware of how a Field of 64 works but basically I'll be posting the full list of all the stories and then two classic DOCTOR WHO stories will go head-to-head against each other with one declared the winner.  And so on until the final champion is crowned.  As some favourites are eliminated, I'm sure there will be some tears along the way.  After all, even a Time Lord can cry.  So join us, won't you, all month long for the CLASSIC DOCTOR WHO FIELD OF 64.  You have nothing to lose but your cloister bell!   

LINDSAY WAGNER AND THE RETURN OF THE ELVIS LAMP! If there was EVER a question of whether it was cool to own an Elvis Lamp or not, this should put to rest all doubt. In this 1986 episode of KATE AND ALLIE, guest star Lindsay Wagner (one of my childhood celebrity crushes no less) revealed that she had her very own Elvis lamp in her old room at her parents' house. Grok the sequence. I particularly like the double take when she notices the ole Elvis there! Now. . .if she starts sportin' a bun and a tractor. . .THEN I'm gonna get worried!

"IF NOTHING ELSE, THERE'S APPLAUSE . . . LIKE WAVES OF LOVE POURING OVER THE FOOTLIGHTS!" Oh dear, I'm so unworthy but it seems I've won an award! The Premio Dardo Award! Given to me by my surrogate Daddy Pax over at horror blog "BILLY LOVES STU", the award is, well, in his own words: " The Premio Dardo Award is a nifty sort of meme thingy, in that the recipient of the award must then bestow the same upon five other bloggers". Ah, my readers! The great unblushed! You all make it worthwhile! After all, I hate this house! I hate these walls! I hate that sofa! The only part of this dump that doesn't make me puke is my loyal readers! And I promise you I'll never desert you again because after 'THE LAND OF CERPTS AND HONEY' we'll make another blog and another blog. You see, this is my life! It always will be! Nothing else! Just us, the blogosphere, and those wonderful people out there in the dark! All right, Mr. DeMille . . . I'm ready for my required 5 blog awards (and to be fair, I won't award Daddy Pax's blogs since he's already won and this could go around and around):

• CHEEKS' THE DHARMA (AND GREG) PROJECT -- for copiously analyzing, explaining, extemporizing and theorizing each and every episode of LOST for us. There is always something you didn't know or something you didn't notice to be found here.
• FLEAPIT OF THE MIND -- You can't beat the extensive knowledge and exquisite taste in all things cinema on Weaverman's phenomenol blog! Whether it's a Bergman classic or a trashy crime movie, the Fleapit is the place to be! We can only wish that, some fine day, his late lamented other blogs The Fleapit Annex and Ghosts in the Library will be resurrected.
• PALEO-CINEMA -- Terry Frost spends his time, between herding his capuchin monkeys out of his estate's fountains, creating the greatest movie blog out there. Combining encyclopedic knowledge with personal reminiscences, Terry Frost's Paleo-Cinema debuts about every three weeks with another audio excursion into the world of film pre-1980.
• SCRAPS -- My dear Star has been keeping journals of odd everyday events, quotable quotes and cosmic coincidences even BEFORE we got married! She has finally put it all into a blog which entertainingly shines the spotlight on us everyday humans and shows we are nothing as dull as mere "everyday"!
• WE ARE THE MOVIES -- Aaron White provides a movie blog which displays all the love and energy of a true cinephile focusing on the movies and directors who make the most of their art!

THE FIVE SONGS: ELEVENTH INSTANCE. On this Independence Day, I'm not gonna drag in Bill Pullman. Instead I've been reflecting on independence and the fact that we're never truly independent. We rely on the support and company of friendship. I've been lucky to have more friends than I deserve who put up with my wacky ways. Far from being a little ray of sunshine, I have described myself more as "a squirt of lemon to the eye". I'm acidic and I like it that way. Hell, at least I'm entertaining in my malfunctions. But since I have only five songs here to work with, I have chosen to list five songs which I strongly associate with certain people in my life who I'm grateful to call friends. There are many more, of course, but if you're not here it's no slight; it's just that as yet there is no one song I associate ironclad with you. So get to work on that. And meanwhile, with little comment, here they are -- the songs I cannot escape instantly recalling one person every time I hear it.

1. QUESTION by THE MOODY BLUES -- Person associated with: Cheeks. "Why do we never get an answer when we're knocking at the door?" Good question. Good song. It also has special meaning for Cheeks.

2. 4TH OF JULY by X -- Person associated with: Daddy Pax. How appropriate for today! This just happens to be my favourite X song. And I'm pretty sure it's his too. "On the stairs I smoke a cigarette alone. / Mexican kids are shootin' fireworks below. / Hey baby! / It's the 4th of July!" This song has a lot of energy, it really rocks and it's really punk in the best, most admirable sense. And so is he.

3. WISH I MAY by ANI DIFRANCO -- Person associated with: Ilsa*. "I wonder what happens if i get to the end of this tunnel and there isn't a light / I've worn down the treads on all of my tires." I can relate with the world beating you down. We've both had that. "Don't tell me it's gonna be alright / you can't sell me on your optimism tonight / it's a stiff competition to see who can stay up later / the stars or the street lights / and all they really want is to be alone with the darkness." But the fact remains that through it all she remains fucking strong! How's that for something to aspire to?

4. THIS BITTER EARTH by DINAH WASHINGTON -- Person associated with: Rob. This is also my favourite Dinah song and I first heard it because of this guy. "And if my life is like the dust That hides the glow of a rose / What good am I Heaven only knows / This bitter Earth Can it be so cold." Life is a series of hard knocks and it's realistic to see it that way. However, the song ends on an up note. "And this bitter earth may not be so bitter after all." And still always remains an optimist.

5. GRAVEDIGGER by DAVE MATTHEWS -- Person associated with: Fink. I thought it would be appropriate to end the list in the grave. It would certainly take friendship for me to include a song by Dave Matthews on my list because I am definitely not a fan (Oh, it's SUCH a dark day here in the ole blog). "Gravedigger / when you dig my grave / will you make it shallow / so that I can feel the rain?"

REMEMBER WHEN??? THE PILOT.

If you watch LOST and do not already read my good friend's blog click here you are missing something. Particularly the copious and exhaustive analyses of this past season's episodes which reached new heights and helped immensely with the viewing (and musing about) this past season. It's of course not too late to go read them since we'll be getting Season 4 on DVD December 9th, apparently. So do yourself a favour, if you haven't already been reading them, take yourself over there now.

THIS IS FROM ONE OF THOSE EMAILS EVERYBODY SENDS AROUND TO EACH OTHER. Now, usually I don't even read them but this one was so hilarious (and true) that I thought I'd put the damn thing up here. That way YOU won't be getting another useless joke email and I will be able to pretend like I wrote it. So here goes: the diary entries of a dog and a cat. The dog and cat are here played by kind permission of my good friends Bumbler (The Nuclear Puggle) and Frodo (the gas guzzling cat). They are only playing the "parts" of the dog and cat and all opinions are not necessarily shared by Bumbler and Frodo esquires.

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary :

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary" :

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the "power of allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe...For now...

SO YEAH....THE BITCH IS 40. And I see he's now also stolen my Five Songs idea over there on his blog. That's OK. I'm used to inspiring the world with no monetary recompense. But since it's his birthday, I'll let him slide. Oh, by the way, here's a recent photo of him and me. Frolicking. So, taking a page from his EXTREMELY OLD NOW book, I thought I'd make a little listy of songs that remind me of my Doddy -- that reprobate I call my friend. I've known him for 23 years so I think there should be a few. Now, I'm not really gonna go on and on about them -- I'm just going to list them without comment. Suffice it to say that I can't really hear any of these songs without immediately thinking of the Oot! The Donger! Granpa Strohman. The ole Sweet Cheeks. Here they are in no particular order:

• ROCK AND ROLL DREAMS COME THROUGH by Meat Loaf
• MLK by U2 (there's a story behind this one)
• NEVER by Heart
• HURDY GURDY MAN by Donovan
• QUESTION by The Moody Blues
• DROP THE PILOT by Joan Armatrading
• LIL SOMTHIN' SOMTHIN' by Insane Clown Posse
• THE AIR THAT I BREATHE by The Hollies
• BEST OF FRIENDS by Pearl Bailey
• WHISPERING PINES by Johnny Horton
• RUNNING BEAR by Johnny Preston
• CAPTAIN FANTASTIC & THE BROWN DIRT COWBOY by Elton John
• ROY ROGERS by Elton John
• ROCK AND ROLL NEVER FORGETS by Bob Seger
• UNDER ICE by Kate Bush
• GALILEO by Indigo Girls
• GOODBYE by Night Ranger
• FIRE IN THE TWILIGHT by Wang Chung
• NO ONE IS TO BLAME by Howard Jones
• WHEREVER I MAY ROAM by Metallica
• THE CHAUFFER by Duran Duran
• OLD FRIEND by Elton John & Nik Kershaw
• SPIRIT IN THE SKY by Norman Greenbaum
• JUST LIKE BELGIUM by Elton John
• ONE MORE ARROW by Elton John
• PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON by Anyone!

And in the spirit of benevolence, I even spared him mentioning that OTHER song (J.F. and A. B. B.) in order to spare him the embarrassment. I'm sure there are other songs but this pretty much gives you an idea. So once again, here's wishing the Doddy a Happy, Happy 40th -- your "Happy Birthday" in 74 different languages is in the mail!

HE'S OLD. . .

SO OLD. . .

HE'S REEE...

LLY OLD!

UP FROM THE BOWELS OF THE EARTH. "Bowels" is right. THE SLIME PEOPLE is just a terrible movie. It's great! This is the perfect movie for Mystery Science Theater 3000; in fact, it actually WAS an episode of MST3K but it's not available on DVD yet. So sadly, I had to watch the ACTUAL movie. But have no fear because I had the moral support of Cheeks & Denise and my good friend Bumbler to bolster me through it.

Do you really want the plot?!?! Very well. Up from the sewers of L.A. came the Slime People: subterranean scaly slimeballs who can somehow create their own fog (otherwise they can't really walk around up here in the sunlight). Funnily enough, they can also make the fog solid -- and they do so -- which effectively creates a solid fog dome over the city. Trapping regular citizens inside with the slime people. Who are handy with spears. OK. That's about all you need.

An intrepid group of bad actors -- OK, the characters are only PLAYED by bad actors -- hole up inside an abandoned TV studio: pilot Tom Gregory (Robert Hutton -- also the director of this opus), ubiquitous professor Gelman. . .or Galbraith. . .or Galbin . . .there seems to be some confusion about the actual name (played by the constipated Robert Burton), his daughters Lisa and Bonnie (cardigan-wearing Judee Morton and cardigan wearing Susan Hart -- much more memorable in DR. GOLDFOOT & THE BIKINI MACHINE) and marine Cal Johnson (Conan O'Brien. (PAUSE) OK, it's not really Conan O'Brien it's William Boyce. But damned if it don't LOOK just like Conan O'Brien! I mean look at the guy up there! Time for a remake, I'd say! Starring Conan and Triumph the Insult-Comic Dog as ALL FOUR Slime People!). Then there's the over-the-top fun performance of monster movie veteran Les Tremayne as the nutty hermit Norman Tolliver. At least Les Tremayne is having a hoot in this movie. He appears in one scene carrying a goat: his one true friend.

Other than the usual shoestring budget "Ed Woodian"-type screw-ups (like a random person's shadow leaning into the frame), almost 2/3rds of the movie is practically indecipherable because of the dense fog. . .through which we can't see a hell of a lot, frankly. (Take a look down there for an example). Combine this with many scenes where the microphone seems to have been placed so far away from the actors that it's probably miking a different movie -- making some dialogue extremely hard to make out. Of course, it's really not that vital to hear the dialogue, is it? OK maybe I should rethink that statement; some of the dialogue you simply must not miss! Such as the romantic dialogue our Conan O'Brien lookalike marine spouts: "Gee whiz, after sitting here talking to you, I don't even want to think about slime people!" Gee whiz, just what a girl wants to hear! Or when Tom takes the leadership position by saying: "Now look, we've got to find their trail. Footprint, slime, anything."

All that matters is the four Slime People (at least that's how many monster suits it appears the budget would allow) and the often repeated identical shot of a slime peep coming up from the sewers. . .it's at least repeated 5 times. This is one of those great bad monster movies which populated Saturday afternoon Creature Features on UHF back in the day. It's almost shocking that I had never seen it before Cheekies & Denise (and Bumbler) presented me with a screening. Rest assured we all provided our very own live version of MST3K right there in Cheekies' living room. So for the opportunity to see this screen gem, I will forever be in their debt. Or is that the other way around???

I would like to thank my good friend Bumbler for providing me with a site which gave me my very own aristocratic title (see below). I would've thought I was a higher rank than a count but what's good enough for the King of Vampires is good enough for me. By the way, my friend Bumber thinks he is a puggle. He's funny that way but I let him have his little peccadillos. Here is a photo of him. He was younger then but he's vain and prefers I publish photos from his gloriously golden youth. And here is his blog site which I have been totally slacky in providing youse all until now. It will also join the list of links on the right there. Please don't pee on it because peeing if for outside not inside the house. My friend Bumbler is really fun to watch Rocky Horror with; he's mad bombadiddly with the confetti, yo. He's also a great pal to watch football with although sometimes he falls victim to power naps mid-game after overdosing on major snackies.

GRAB YOUR SOCKS AND PULL, CHEEKIES (and that shouldn't be too hard since you wear tube socks up to your thighs) -- because today is Letitia Dean's 40th birthday. Yes, that's right. Your little Sharon. 40 big ones. Why, it seems like only yesterday when she was a sweet young thing with too much mousse who slept with both Mitchell brothers. Ahhhh, memories. Now, if we could only find out what happened to Disa. . .

"A LONG LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY, GOD SAID 'LET THERE BE LIPS'! AND THERE WERE. AND THEY WERE GOOD." My choice for Halloween movie today is (naturally) "THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW". Now, everybody knows it so I'm not about to give any sort of plot recap here. Suffice it to say, the first I ever heard about it was when a friend of mine in high school went to see it, bought the soundtrack tape and was playing it all the time. Now, not having seen it, I didn't know what the hell was going on -- but the songs were catchy.

Fast forward a couple years later when Cheekies and I decided. . .well, we'd been virgins long enough and it was about high time we toddled along to see what the hell this thing was all about. So off we went to the movie theatre in the Echelon Mall for the midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"! We were all a-flutter. Gee, is the movie theatre still there in the Echelon Mall?!? Is the Echelon MALL still there?!?!?! Anyway, we paid for our tickets and we takes our chances. Now, being an historian at the time, I was somewhat remiss in not having made ANY attempt to research what we were in store for. So, our strategy and plan of attack was to just quietly sneak into the back row and keep a low profile during the film so we could scope out what to do when and why. Naturally, we had no idea that, during the opening CREDITS the entire audience would yell "FUCK THE BACK ROW!!!" But, this was all part of our trial by fire (and water pistol).

Well, after that first night of cherry-busting we (and some other friends) made NUMEROUS forays over at the Frankenstein place. It was always a lot of fun watching one of our virgin friends experience the movie theatre experience for the first time. Needless to say, it's not the same just watching it on TV or DVD; the whole event of audience participation makes the film.

HOWEVER. . .Cheekies and I will have the same fun (almost) of watching his Lady Love see it for the first time soon. Almost -- because we're not going to watch it in the theatre but in his abode. BUT! We ARE going to yell the appropriate things at the screen (if our failing memories can dredge them up) and throw the appropriate articles (I'd hate to have to clean up the apartment afterwards -- Oh, Bummmmmmmmmmblerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...)

Oh. . .

And don't dream it. Be it.