I DIDN'T HATE THIS.
One of the most lambasted of all Dario Argento's films and (as of this writing) his last film (unless you're still waiting for THE SANDMAN or even BLACK GLASSES). The truth is that yes, this (and most of his films made in the latter portion of his career) does not in any way come close to his previous masterpieces of Italian horror. However, DRACULA 3D is not as bad as everyone says. It's, in fact, much better than I was expecting and totally watchable while remaining a pretty poor excuse for an Argento film. I'd like to take this opportunity to address many of the criticisms of the film which I've heard over the years and, now that I've seen it, give my take on the matter.
The first elephant in the room is the CGI which is definitely atrocious; however in my eye really good CGI looks almost as bad as terrible CGI. None of it ever looks substantial or real. Also, for horror fans who adore low budget flicks like THE CREEPING TERROR, BEGINNING OF THE END, THE GIANT CLAW, THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE, and any number of such horror movies, isn't it common to overlook such lacking effects to enjoy the film for what it gets right? I, for one, would much prefer to rewatch ARGENTO'S DRACULA than have to suffer through a minute of VAN HELSING or, indeed, AVATAR; both of these latter films I thought were terrible and (a worse sin) boring. Another criticism I've heard is that the film is waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. I would agree that over an hour and forty-five minutes may not have been needed but I really didn't feel like it dragged much at any point. The acting and line readings are (I think deliberately) overly dramatic and taking things uber-seriously -- but hey, this is a Dracula film - - aren't they ALL like that? The dialogue is spoken very subdued and emphatically, I assume, because this is a period film and that's the way Dario wanted it to be played. While the SPFX may be lacking, the look of the film is often gorgeous with Claudio Cosentino's set design beautifully photographed by Luciano Tovoli.
The whole film, in fact, is a quite respectable (if ordinary) retelling of the Dracula tale . . . until things suddenly get really silly around the 1 hour 25 minute mark . . . . about the time when Dracula turns into a giant CGI praying mantis. Buy hey, where the hell else are you gonna see a giant CGI vampire/praying mantis?!??! Absolutely stupid but I love it! I've heard criticism also that it's silly for Dracula to turn into a giant insect since he usually transforms into something the same size as he is i.e. where'd he get all that extra mass? Well, I never heard anyone complain about Dracula turning into a bat; where'd all his extra mass GO?!?! The story is basically the same Dracula story we've seen a million times with little variations here and there.
The acting ranges from pretty bad to really good; of course, Rutger Hauer as Abraham Van Helsing heads the "really good" list. Sure, we'd all like to see more of Hauer (as he only first appears 2/3rds of the way through the film) but he fulfills the same role as Harvey Keitel in PULP FICTION (yeah, I just made a comparison between that film and this) in that Van Helsing shows up after all the vampiric shenanigans to "clean up" the mess. I also enjoyed several nice, new touches to the Dracula/vampire genre that Argento includes the town officials being secretly "in on it" as they have an "agreement" with Count Dracula. A failure of the script is that the agreement, whatever it is, is never explained (for instance, what do the town officials get out of it to let Dracula occasionally snack on villagers). Unfortunately, the recent Dracula activity causes the officials to call a meeting to discuss their "vampire problem" and if the pact is worth it. Count Dracula intrudes on the meeting (as a CGI swarm of flies) and massacres the back-stabbing officials in a scene that reminds me of a (less-effective and less-scary) version of the boardroom massacre scene in Kevin Smith's DOGMA. Another nice innovation occurs earlier in the film when a bitten Jonathan Harker is accosted by sunlight coming in through a window; the light is accompanied by an "atomic" sound effect which sounds like the climax of KISS ME DEADLY. It seems quite right that sunlight to a vampire would sound like/appear to him as some kind of radioactive atomic-powered fire from Hell coming to get him. Count Dracula himself is played by Thomas Kretschmann (the MCU's Baron von Strucker from their Captain America and Avengers movies) and he is quite adequate is unspectacular; he does what is called for in the role but brings no spark of personality to the Count. Asia Argento is also perfectly fine in the role of Lucy and Miriam Giovanelli is nicely petulant as the singular of Dracula's brides.
My ultimate verdict is that DRACULA 3D is not a good movie by any means but it is a perfectly watchable B-movie retelling of the Bram Stoker tale with an enjoyably-silly final 20 minutes and a Dracula who's a really messy eater! Wipe yer damn mouth, sloppy!!!
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