ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES [1985]

 “MY LEG OOOOO!  HE GOT ME IN MY LEG!!!  OHHHHHHHH!”

Only AGFA (through Vinegar Syndrome) could keep releasing beautiful slipcovered blu-rays of

movies which were lucky to get a VHS release.  But here we have another one and my life would not be complete without it!  Also known as “HELL ISLAND” (not sure which title I prefer), ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES is the one and only directorial effort of Michael Stanley.  And for that we should be grateful.  For gather around, children, and you’ll see a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from this North Atlantic aboard this tiny lifeboat!  The film starts aboard a lifeboat at night after a shipwreck where a small group of passengers and crew have drifted away from all the other lifeboats.  Not good.  When daylight breaks, the lifeboat has beached on an island.  Could be Greenland, someone says.  Yeah, I don’t think so. 

One guy croaks before he can leave the lifeboat.  The rest move up on shore.  There’s some ladies (dolled up in what looks like 1920’s dresses) and there’s some guys.  No one really stands out personality-wise except for rich prick Mr. Morgan (John Vichiola) who’s snippy and bossy and self-centered and I’m probably on HIS side!  The bane of all micro-budget horror films (especially from 1985) occurs as the first half hour is a heavy slog through uninteresting “character development” convo’s which nobody cares about (including the actors themselves, I reckon).  However, there’s one great break in the monotony as one guy finds an inland lake for some desperately needed fresh water. Psyche!  The lake water is basically acid and the guy sticks his face in the water and his face melts in a bloody mess.  Axe another survivor!  Just after the half hour mark, as night has fallen and our cast huddles around a campfire, a woman notices about a million glowing eyes in the darkness of the forest.  Then an all-out mini-monster attack happens as what can only be described as goofy long-haired, razor-teethed puppets attack and bite everybody.  Now, obviously these “Beast Creatures” are ‘inspired’ by Dan Curtis’s Zuni fetish from TRILOGY OF TERROR and they are a hoot!  I love them I love them I love them!!!  I’m sorry, they’re cute as hell and I want my own licensed life-sized Beast Creature for my very own.  I will love him and squeeze him . . . . 

Moving on.

Besides the obvious TRILOGY OF TERROR callback, this movie also has a serious HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND vibe from the island setting to the puppet-like creature (who is ALSO lovable as hell in that low budget epic.  Another thing which sprang to mind while watching our cast ‘fight off’ these little creatures is the effort Bela Lugosi went through in BRIDE OF THE MONSTER while he desperately thrashed around trying to ‘fight off’ an obviously inert, rubber octopus.  Our cast here gives it the old college try and sells it as best they can.  They also have a habit of splitting up and wandering off alone in the forest.  And with all the trees around, why don’t they break off some club-sized tree branches and bash the hell out of the little buggers.  I mean, one guy does get a stick and I think only uses it as a walking stick.  C’mon, people! 

Also particularly hilarious is that fact that the opposite of stereotypical behaviour from the women occurs.  Normally in these types of horror movies, the ladies get all quivering and scaredy-cat but here the women seem not to be bothered by the mayhem.  While the men wander around fretting, the women frolic in a (non-acid) stream humming and giggling -- one of the women even sings "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive-oh".  Despite some of their party dying and being attacked by mini-monsters who bit deeply into their legs and backsides!  Nope, these women just don't pay it no never mind!  Except, of course, when the beast creatures attack again; then they're all screams.  I mean, this IS a horror movie, goils, you have to hold up your end!  Another priceless bit of business (in a movie apparently overflowing with them), when a beast creature is gnawing on Mr. Morgan's leg, the close-up shot looks like nothing other than it's humping his leg!  But no, frankly the men in this movie are less than useless.  Like I said, whiny bitch tho he be, I'm kinda with Mr. Morgan on this.  I hope they all get eaten.

As far as the no name cast goes, they have trouble sometimes keeping a straight face.  But I'm pretty sure they're having a great time and ham it up in the most enjoyable manner.  They're actually entertaining to watch wandering aimlessly through the forest.  I mean, smarter characters would've probably hot-footed it to the beach and stood ankle-deep in the ocean.  I mean, I don't really think those little beast creature can swim, do you?  Plus they'd get their long, luxurious hair wet.  But then, as if all this wasn't wonderful enough, we get a scene of a gaggle of beast creatures worshipping a large, wooden idol.  I mean, this is something you never realized you'd waited your whole life to see!  And sure, I may seem to be taking the piss out of this movie, but I don't really mean to since I had so much fun watching it.  Again, I'd much rather watch (and re-watch) ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES than AVATAR or VAN HELSING since they were just boring and bad (with no redeeming value) respectively.  This movie right here is entertaining as all hell; even given the slow first 30 minutes which, to be fair, included the fun of the pissy Mr. Morgan and a face melted with acid!  This is one I'll rewatch over the years without a doubt!       

How great is this shot?!?  All those lil knuckleheads worshipping their knucklehead god!