SKELETON KEY (2006)

 "I GOT THE CLOTHES THAT ARE...LIKE...TORN.  BUT I LIKE THEM TORN BECAUSE, YOU SEE, IT'S ME!  THIS?  THAT'S ME.  THAT'S MY SMELL.  IT'S NOBODY ELSE'S SMELL!"

SKELETON KEY is John Johnson's movie.  It's nobody else's movie.  It starts with Conrad Brooks (of PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE) semi-warning us that we're about to watch a John Johnson movie.  Next we see a wacko flopped over the side of a bathtub (ully clothed, don't be scared) who raves how much he loves John Johnson movies.  He puts a VHS tape into a combo TV/VCR he has sitting on a toilet and the movie starts.  Did I mention this is SOV???  Yes, it is.  Well, John Johnson himself plays Howard ; a reporter who is late to meet his photographer.  Before leaving the house, though, he shows us how to make the ultimate breakfast:  Johnny O's.  You get a pretty big mug or cup and it's made with layers

-- first a layer of Spaghetti O's then a layer of cheese and (cooked) bacon, then a layer of Spaghetti O's then a layer of cheese and bacon and so on.  A little cheese and bacon on top "shines it up" and you microwave that mess.  There's your breakfast  Now, this is the start of a horror-comedy and, frankly, it really couldn't start in a better way.  Also, unbelieveably there are a couple SEQUELS to this!  So you go, John Johnson.  Johnson is actually a pretty good actor (relatively) and very likeable from the start.  I enjoy going along with him in this movie.  And what's the movie about? I'll quote the back of the used DVD I found:  "John Johnson's SKELETON KEY is a horror comedy about a tabloid reporter, Howard, who in the process of covering a story on a five-legged two-headed goat comes across the town of Nilbog.  The town is a nexus of supernatural activity, which serves as the backdrop for hordes of monsters, musical numbers and one man's discoery of the meaning of love."  OK, so there can be no better possible premise for a movie and you can now see why I bought the thing.  I can really see why the guy in the bathtub loves this movie so much.  His name is Neil, by the way, (played by Liam Smith) and he has a voice like Mr. Hankey.  He is also something of the 'greek chorus' for this film as he pops in from time to time to speak to the audience.  When we meet Cornelius, Neil goes on about how much he loves Cornelius too and laughs "Look at his hat" -- Cornelius, of course, is wearing a turban.  Karthik Srinivasan plays Cornelius and the character doesn't speak English; however, he and Howard seems to communicate very well.  Sort of.  Their boss (at the pizza parlor they're based outta) Mr. Harvey (Mark Wagner) has no problem communicating about how much he thinks the two men suck at their jobs.  Harvey then gives them the task of going to find a two-headed five-legged goat and then threatens to 'cut them' with a pizza cutter. When the pair arrive in Nilbog, VA, Cornelius enters a log cabin and has a lengthy conversation (in Indian dialect) with a corpse whose faces has been eaten away.  Howard, meanwhile, encounters a shipping box out of which jumps a zombie guy who attacks him.  Howard punches his fist through the zombie's head.  "It's head . . . is all over my hand . . . and . . . going down my shirt!" 

The guys go to a motel to clean up and Howard hears a disembodied voiee whispering "Skeleton Key".  He enters his motel room and is confronted by a 'red devil'.  This is Evil (played by Paul Stark.) and is here to f*** with Howard i.e. he causes him to dance uncontrollably like an SOV version of THE RED SHOES.  While laughing maniacally, Evil plunges Howard's head in a toilet bowl and says "THAT IS MINE!" as he points to what can only be a Baby Ruth candy bar floating in it.  Doody! Next a Haitian cab driver named Nicopernicus (David Simmons) picks up Cornelius and Howard in his car.  Steel drum music plays constantly as Nicopernicus talks incessantly with verbal diarrhea.  When Cornelius says something to him, Nicopernicus then yells at him "We're in America!  We speak AmeriCAN!  Not bi-dud-bi-dub-bi-dub-dub!"  Simmons is hilarious and it seems every new character that appears in this movie becomes my new favourite character!  "White man!", Nicopernicus yells to Howard, "Do you understand what the HELL he is saying because I do NOT understand WHAT in the HELL . . .".  I'm only 25 minutes in and this might be my new favourite movie of all time!!!  Somewhere in Cornelius' speech, Nicodemus did hear the words "Nilbog" and "Route 66" and he states (still talking non-stop almost without taking a breath) that "...You guys better have a LOT of American money because it will take a long time to get to Route 66 . . . and it is in the boonies and I do NOT like the boonies because they have rednecks there and they smell like beef!"  After our trio cross a rickety bridge into the village of Nilbog, a horde of zombies attack them.  "You guys all right?" Howard queries as they close in.  You know what?  The zombie are in the street at night and it's dark but they look pretty damn good makeup wise.  Besides Conrad Brooks, Johnson also managed to get a couple more horror names in this one.  Johnson goes into the basement of a house and it's covered in spider webs; he is then attacked by Spiderella who bites him on the peen.  Spiderella is kinda like a denizen of HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND and she's played by Brinke Stevens!  Debbie Rochon also appears as the Bloufer Lady.  If you remember the Bloofer Lady in DRACULA then you know what SHE is.  I'm only a half hour in and this post is already a mile long so there's no chance I can write any more about it.  All I know is, SKELETON KEY is a rare thing -- a horror comedy that's actually very funny -- and this is very probably my new 'best movie ever made'.  And yes, John Johnson DOES look like Rik Mayall and Ian Ogilvy had a baby.  Just remember, it's OK.  Squeeze the hippo. Squeeze the hippo..