EERIE, INDIANA - AMERICA'S SCARIEST HOME VIDEO (1991)

 IT IS ONLY THIS YEAR THAT I SAW "EERIE, INDIANA" FOR THE FIRST TIME.

  I knew of it back in the day but never watched it; possibly because I was too busy road-tripping and frolicking to watch prime time shows.  At least I assume this was a prime time show.  All I know is, I finally caught up with it this year and thought it was a hoot.  Had no idea Joe Dante was so involved with the programme; in fact, directing episodes which give it more of a horror pedigree that I expected.  This episode is the actual Halloween episode; broadcast on October 20, 1991 and taking place on Halloween itself.  Our hero Marshall and his ginger-headed bud Simon are all set to head out for trick-or-treat adventures when Marshall's mom gets a call from Dad saying his car broke down.  Sadly, while Mom goes out to help, Marshall & Simon must babysit Simon's younger brother Harley.  And Harley is kinda a terror.  He bites.  Literally.  Amongst getting into a lot of other mischief.  Marshall and Simon plop Harley down in front of the boob tube to watch the old B&W horror movie "BLOODY REVENGE OF THE MUMMY'S CURSE". 

But because this is Eerie, Indiana (the weirdest town in America), Harley bites the remote control and is immediately catapulted into the movie itself.  Worse, the Mummy switches places with Harley and now exists in the real world. 

Now, Marshall and Simon have to somehow get Harley out of the movie and put the Mummy back INTO the movie.  Omri Katz as Marshall is a likeable kid throughout the series and Justin Shenkarow as Simon makes a good sidekick as the pair face the various weird terrors of Eerie.  Twins Christian and Joseph Cousins play little terror Harley effectively as well; my usual dislike of child actors didn't kick in as Harley is portrayed as just the right note of 'Dennis the Menace' without being obnoxious or saccharine.  Mom and Dad Teller (played by the reliable Mary-Margaret Humes and Francis Guinan respectively) are also really likeable as Marshall's parentsl  In fact, the whole series of EERIE, INDIANA is just that:  really likeable. 

There's also a nice turn by guest star Tony Jay as the Mummy/Sir Boris von Orloff:  the old time horror actor who stars in the movie that Harley is watching.  So, when the Mummy comes into our world it's actually Orloff in costume.  Jay has appeared in everything from TIME BANDITS and Disney's BEAUTY AND THE BEAST to narrating the documentary H.H. HOLMES:  AMERICA'S FIRST SERIAL KILLER and it's great to see him guest-starring in this episode.  The Halloween ambience is nicely done with troops of trick-or-treaters roaming the streets and ringing the doorbell.  I think I'll put this episode of EERIE, INDIANA on semi-rotation in October.  

THE ADVENTURES OF BATMAN - THE GREAT SCARECROW SCARE

 BAT BOOB TUBE TIME:  ORIGINALLY BROADCAST NOVEMBER 9, 1968.

  I managed to find this Halloween-set episode of the very first Batman cartoon on television:  THE ADVENTURES OF BATMAN.  Actually, it's not the episode, it's only the second half of the episode which starts with the Penguin and his Crime Computer.  And ACTUALLY actually, it's not even the second half of the episode because it's only about 8-10 minutes long!  But hey, it takes place at Halloween.  Gotham City is puttin' on it's Halloween Charity Costume Ball and Batman and Robin are party guests.  It's not clear to me whether they're there as Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson wearing Halloween costumes of Batman and Robin (that's a little on the nose, guys) or just as Batman and Robin as honoured guests.  I think it's the latter but I must admit I probably missed that detail.  Anywho, Batgirl's there as well and that's always a plus. 

We quickly see the Dynamic Duo's arch enemy the Scarecrow there as well but don't wet your bat underoos because it's only Commissioner Gordon in his Halloween costume.  They're going to be auctioning off a very valuable painting which frankly don't look like much ta me!  Unfortunately, backstage the Commish is assaulted by goons of the REAL Scarecrow who quickly plants himself at the lectern and makes off with the painting saying it's going to his favourite charity:  "ME!".  Ah, Scarecrow, you're such a card!  Batgirl confronts the Scarecrow and is quickly gassed and taken hostage.  Boy, dumb old girls, am I right?  The rest of the episode -- or should I call it a vignette -- features some bat bondage with Batgirl tied up and the Dynamic Duo having to rescue her.  I mean, she needs to be rescued by a couple men because . . . . well, she's just a dumb ole girl, am I right?  Sadly, no.  And even sadder still than the ridiculous portrayal of a helpless and hopeless Batgirl being nothing more than a damsel in distress is the kinda mediocre quality of this teeny-little Bat story.  The lost opportunities of a Batman cartoon set during Halloween make me shed bat tears and the cool and kickass Batgirl being reduced to a sad shadow of herself only makes it worse!  Combine that with the almost cutesy drawing of the Scarecrow in what must be his most unfrightening depiction ever and this is kinda one you don't need to watch.  The voice talents of the great Ted Knight (as narrator AND Commissioner Gordon AND the Scarecrow), Olan Soule (as Batman), Casey Kasem (as Robin) and Jane Webb (as Batgirl) have all the comfort and memories of watching this cartoon as a kid but the story itself is probably one of the worst in the cartoon series.   And that breaks my bat heart.  Let's see what ELSE Halloweenie there is to watch . . . .

VAMPI BIDS YOU VELCOME!

 FROM THE INSIDE FRONT COVER OF THE 1975 ISSUE NO. 41 OF VAMPIRELLA.

  Hmmm, 1975 again.  I'm sensing some sort of pattern here.  Art by he wonderful Jose Gonzalez!

OUT THERE HALLOWEEN MEGA TAPE [2022]

 "BRIGHT PINK BALLS WERE FLYING AT MY HEAD! . . . . WHEN I CALLED THE POLICE . . . . THEY TREATED ME LIKE A FRUITCAKE!"

  The semi-sorta-sequel to the acclaimed WNUF HALLOWEEN SPECIAL, here we have another movie which looks like it's from an old 1990's VHS tape.  Or is it?  Sources say that this is a bootleg videotape from Trader Tony's Tape Dungeon whose catalogue remains infamous to this day.  The videotape contains a Halloween episode of 90's talk show host Ivy Sparks featuring the usual denizens of such daytime talk shows of the time:  real-life goth vampires, psychics and a woman who has a lesbian affair with a ghost.  This show is followed on the tape by 'paranormal investigation' show 'OUT THERE' which aired live and focuses on local reports of UFO activity.  Ivy Sparks (whose talk show has already been cancelled) co-hosts with Tate Dawson and they even bring up the disappearance of five people (including investigative reporter Frank Stewart) almost 10 years earlier during the . . . you guessed it . . . WNUF HALLOWEEN SPECIAL. 

There are alien grays peering in windows, men in black, a cult waiting for UFOs to beam them up  and pumpkins which have odd holes punched in them.  The pumpkins have apparently . . . . been probed" says Ivy Sparks.  (Priceless!)  A pizza delivery guy has a pizza stolen from him by a rabid alien.  "I got fired,"says victim Mark Bond, "He made me pay for the pizza, too.  [pause]  And the breadsticks!"  Of course there are also plenty of vintage-looking TV commercials; some of them very funny but all of them amusing and accurate to ads of the time.  Naturally, because the OUT THERE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL is being broadcast live . . . . something happens live on air.  As described by Tate Dawson, their live feed was interrupted by "an unusual foreign frequency as if something was trying to jam our satellite signal".  The religious cult (lead by Ding) is waiting to be beamed up to the stars this very night live on camera before the apocalypse happens.  Crikey!  Meanwhile, WNUF's intrepid hidden cameras infiltrate McCleery Air Force Base and discover . . . . . um . . . . I'm being told that . . . . . I will not be able to continue writing this blog.  No!  No, don't take away my keyboard!  I . . . .

THE ZODIAC KILLER [1971]

 DAVID FINCHER'S "ZODIAC" IS ONE OF MY FAVOURITE-EST MOVIES. 

This isn't it!  No, this movie was directed by occasional B-movie actor (he's in RED ZONE CUBA as well as THE HELLCATS -- 2 staples of MST3K) and 'Pizza Man We Deliver' restaurant owner.  About to go bankrupt, Hanson decided he might as well make a movie before the creditors started banging at his door.  And thus was born THE ZODIAC KILLER.  Now, the real Zodiac serial killer was still active/on the loose when Hanson made his film so he also decided that this would be a good way to lure the serial killer out in the open.  After all, the real Zodiac couldn't help going to see a movie about himself, now could he?  Of course, this begs the question that if Zodiac DID go see the movie (and there's every possibility that he could have), what would make anyone at the theatre point their finger and shout "THAT'S HIM!!!".  I mean, it's not like Zodiac stood out in a crowd; judging from the varying descriptions of eyewitnesses at the time.  So, it's totally possible that the real killer went to see THE ZODIAC KILLER, bought a bag of popcorn and then went home.  Regardless of this fact, THE ZODIAC KILLER just happens to be the greatest film ever made!

Director & Zodiac victim Ted Hanson

The goodness of the film (and understand that the film is terribly made, terribly written, terribly directed and terribly acted) stems from the absolutely stunning performance of the cast!  Basically family and friends filled most of the parts (except for one or two notable exceptions I'll discuss later) and they are NOT professional actors in any sense of the word.  That's right, we have another 'Lunchtime Production' here, folks, and this is one of the best!  The acting is mind-boggling in it's ineptitude; only to be out-inepted (!) by the absolutely impenetrable, incoherent and possibly ad-libbed dialogue.  THE ZODIAC KILLER will have you saying "WHAT?!?!?" out loud to the screen approximately every minute and a half.  But what really makes this movie a 'can't miss' is the actors/characters.  I don't think I've ever seen a movie where every single character (no matter how brief the part) is reprehensible.  As Melissa Sharp (who gave the film a 20 out of 5 stars) on Letterboxd rightly states that:  "The women are bitches and the men are pricks...".  It's so true!  My God, I've never seen a more wretched hive of scum and villainy -- yes, not even in THAT film.  The only even slightly likeable character turns out to be the Zodiac killer himself (not a spoiler btw since we pretty quickly are shown that fact). 

Everyone's Favourite Perv:  Grover!

A particular favourite is Grover played by Bob Jones (who SOMEHOW is also in ENTER THE NINJA!!!) who is a middle-age, male-pattern-bald scumbucket who wears the most outrageous wig to go out to the bar 'cruising chicks'.  He constantly commands the 'ho's' (yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what they are) to not touch his 'hair'.  When one does and knocks his wig off, Grover assaults and/or strangles her before his friend Jerry (Hal Reed) stops him.  Of course, no one calls the police or even attempts to intervene; Jerry just advices the woman to leave by the back entrance when she goes since Grover can get kinda nutty when he's drunk.  Grover answers a phone call from his ex-wife with "Listen, Tramp!" and shows up at her house "on dope" to see his daughter (of whom his ex has sole custody).  This is after Grover is pulled into the police station for fighting in bars and dancing naked on top of a bar while urinating in customer's drinks!  I mean, how can you not LOVE this idiot?!?!  At his ex's house, Grover pulls a gun and holds his daughter hostage when the cops converge.  Grover's glances at a discarded newspaper headline and shouts "I'M THE ZODIAC!!!" (because that apparently is a real good idea during a police standoff! 

Every single man in the film is the most unattractive slob you ever want to see and every single one of them thinks they're babe magnets and any woman would be lucky to schtup them!  I mean, we're almost in science fiction territory here!  One of these 'repulsive men' is actually played by Doodles Weaver -- that's right, the one from all the Spike Jones records!  The absolute misogyny on show in this movie is laughably over-the-top; only to be matched by the scummy behaviour of pretty much every single woman character in the film. 

Uh oh she's about to get clobbered!

Even the several old ladies that make appearances are nasty, unlikeable harridans!  I mean, I did actually have my jaw drop too many times to count during THE ZODIAC KILLER -- and not from anything arising from the Zodiac killer himself.  Most of the murders were pretty accurate to the actual Zodiac killings and the cryptograms sent to the newspapers were followed as well.  Hanson also adds some new murders which have nothing to do with the real Zodiac killings.  One old man gets in an elevator and is pounced upon by Zodiac (in a black curly wig and Groucho nose/glasses) as he reaches his floor.  Another woman is stuck at the side of the rode with car trouble and Zodiac kills her by smashing her head with the open hood (bonnet fer you Brits) and then Zodiac jumps up and down on the hood just to make sure she's dead, I guess.  Our boy Zodiac is sure having fun now!  But the gold in this movie has nothing to do with Zodiac but instead the absolutely other-dimensional performances of the other actors who could do nothing but have fun with the bizarre, slimy roles they were portraying. 

THE ZODIAC KILLER is a can't miss watch for anyone who likes these kind of car wrecks!  We're forever in the debt of AGFA/Something Weird Video for providing us with a blu ray (!) of this masterpiece! I think Melissa was right:  a 20 out of 5 stars!!!  

STRAYS [1991]

 "THEY SAY CATS HAVE NINE LIVES.  WILL ONE OF THEM BE YOURS?"

  Now, THAT'S a great tagline!  Especially for an early 90's made-for-TV killer cat movie!  Written and produced by Shaun Cassidy.  Yes, THAT Shaun Cassidy.  Da Doo Ron Ron and all that.  And you know what?  Can this be the best thing he ever did???  Well, that's a possibility since I actually quite liked this. 

Now, cats are not scary.  I don't care how you try to make them scary, if they're just normal cats they're cute and cuddly and lovable.  They ain't scary.  Unless you have them turn into some mutant colossal tentacled monster cat . . . but then they're NOT still a cat, are they.  No, because cats ain't scary.  So when you get films like THE UNCANNY which try their damnedest to make cats scary, you kinda haveta give the filmmakers a break because, as you may recall from a few sentences ago -- cats aren't scary.  So any "killer cat" film is going into a serious uphill battle and I usually cut them some slack because they're trying to make a scary cat film when . . . wait for it . . . . cats ain't scary!  Having said all that (and I'll bet you're glad I've stopped saying that), STRAYS probably works out as the most effective 'killer cat' movie using normal cats that I've seen.  

Lindsey and Paul Jarrett (Kathleen Quinlan and ugh Timothy Busfield) buy an old house and move in with their 3 year old daughter Tessa (Heather & Jessica Lilly).  The movie's for sale because, in the film's cold open, an old lady who lived there and fed and cared for a multitude of cats died.  She was killed apparently by killer cats.  Which makes no sense because she loved cats and fed them etc.  But apparently the cats were led astray (HA!) by this one evil-looking cat.  Sadly, this evil cat has no name in the film and consequently no opportunity for an action figure.  I have to give it to this movie; the growly sound effect they give to this cat is low and full of bass and actually really effective.  They also muss up the cats fur so that it looks like that cat from PET SEMATARY.  Besides that, this cat seems to be a hell of an actor. 

I mean, just look at that face!  All in all, a surprisingly good effort.  The rest of the dozens and dozens of housecats look like housecats.  However, we are somehow convinced that they are all 'under the control' of the evil leader cat.  They actually manage to pull off the threat factor.  It looks like we can give credit for that to director John McPherson; mostly known as a cinematographer but sometime director as well.  McPherson manages to keep things moving despite having to deal with A LOT of non-killer-cat scenes involving side plots such as Lindsey's strumpet of a sister Claire

(Claudia Christian) putting the moves on Paul (despite the fact that he's her divorce lawyer AND her sister's husband AND ginger!!!).  The plot, such as it is, doesn't make a lot of sense.  The cats killed the previous owner because they did.  And the cats start attacking the Jarrett family because they do.  No explanation or cause if given but that's not always a bad thing.  Like Hitchcock's THE BIRDS (which STRAYS is in NO WAY comparable to in quality), it just is.  The stuff the cats manage to do, while completely bonkers and ridiculous, somehow are filmed in a credible way so that suspension of disbelief is all you need to believe a cat can undo a ceiling vent or claw through a solid door.  They do and the viewer (at least THIS viewer) was OK with it.  Also, when the evil leader cat pees all over every item of  Timothy Busfield's clothing, I practically cheered.  OK, so I'm on the cats' side!  But who isn't?  In another particularly awesome scene, Lindsey goes to check on Tessa (who sleeps in a crib still despite looking like she's 5 years old) and she sees about a dozen cats all piled on top of the crib looking like they're smothering the little brat. 

That was a definitely effective 'whoa' moment!  There are just enough of these unexpectedly great moments to elevate a film which one rightly expects not much of into a pretty OK horror flick.  Kathleen Quinlan is always good and Timothy Busfield is actually not horribly obnoxious (as is usually his wont) in this.  Sadly the Lilly twins are holding the torch for the typical child actor by being saccharine and non-actory.  I was hoping she/they/Tessa would be eaten by a cat but sadly no such luck. 

Despite the absence of a kitty child buffet, STRAYS is actually very watchable and entertaining.  It's all Cameron Chaney's fault that I ended up watching this but he warns (in his video) that this is not a good movie but he loves it's cheesiness anyway.  I'll have to admit that it's not as bad as he intimates and that, yes, it's actually a really good time!  Surprised the hell outta me!

SATAN'S CHILDREN [1975]

 "YOU JUST DON'T FEEL GOOD.  YOUR ASS IS SORE."

 

Start liking boys right now!!!

So says Simon, leader of the 'Satanic Cult' to nebbish perpetual loser Bobby who's recently had terrible things done to his butt by a gang of ruffians.  And this is only one part of the kinda day Bobby's having.  This Tampa, Florida opus was seemingly shot with no second takes and no script to speak of.  Actors stand a seemingly interminable amount of time before mumbling their lines (or possibly making them up on the spot) with all the acting talent of this Dixie Cup sitting here by my keyboard.  I don't really see what the late 80's-early 90's Satanic Panic in America was all about because this is the movie that proves that Satanic Cults were all about bureaucracy and tedious lectures.  Oh, and don't forget Satan ain't fond of them there queers either!  That's right, a female Satanic cult member is strung up because she prefers girls.  And ole Bobby himself is teased by those ole Satanists for being gay even though he was forcibly raped and beaten and left for dead on the side of a park/playground where the cult was playing a ballgame.  Yeah, that's what Satanists do in their spare time when they're not condemning dem queers!  There really is a startlingly pronounced homophobia rattling around in this movie!  But we're getting ahead of ourselves here.

NOT a young Gary Oldman

So a young Gary Oldman plays Bobby: a perpetual loser whose stepfather bullies him and whose stepsister sexually taunts him.  OK, it's not REALLY a young Gary Oldman but the guy IS a dead ringer for the Oscar-winning actor and what he must've looked like around the age of 20.  Some I'm running with it. And I'm not really going to list the actor's names in this movie since I'm trying to protect the guilty!  So Bobby storms out of the house when he's had enough of his stepsister playing footsie in his crotch under the dinner table and narcing his pot stash to dear old Step Dad.  Entering a bar (which looks more like a diner), Bobby is accosted by an older man who is patently putting the make on Bobby.  A big tough guy in a motorcycle helmet chases the older man away calling him a 'damn queer' and promises Bobby a place to crash for the night.  Of course, Johnny Beefcake takes all his clothes off, puts on a robe and sticks a knife under Bobby's chin telling him "he just has to stay still". 

Fade to a naked Bobby trussed up on the bed and Beefcake Boy is calling some friends to have a 'party'.  Said party is about 4 guys violating the trussed up Bobby in their car. 

Yikes!!!

As stated, Bobby is dumped unconscious and a group of Satanists playing ball in the park see him.  Sherry, acting leader of the cult while boss Simon is 'away' somewhere, falls in love with Bobby and boinks him.  Cult member Joshua complains about letting this loser into the cult.  Simon wouldn't like it and besides, he's obviously a queer since he had that butt stuff done to him.  He was OBVIOUSLY asking for it!  A pissed off Sherry hangs Joshua from a rope in a tree.  Unfortunately for her, before his death Joshua 'prayed' Simon back to the cult.  And Joshua was right. 

Simon: the most bored cult leader ever!

Simon isn't pleased with Sherry and has her buried up to her neck in the sand, covered in syrup and scattered with ants.  Simon confronts the still bedridden Bobby about being a queer and a loser victim and Satan doesn't want the souls of loser/victims!  Bobby breaks out of the compound in nothing but his tighty-whiteys in which he runs around for most of the final third of the film.  For a movie that's so down on 'queers', there's a whole lot of homoerotic stuff going on including the aforesaid Bobby running around in his underwear.  I swear, I've seen more shots of Bobby's undercarriage than I could wish for in SEVERAL lifetimes.  So Bobby in his underwear is chased all over by the most incompetent cultists I've ever seen and things and junk and stuff happen and that's the movie basically.  Oh wait, there's also quicksand at one point because . . . well, of course there is!  And by the end of the movie, things get even MORE bonkers when the 'worm turns', as it were.  I'm telling you, what happens in the final reel is NOT what I was expecting from the rest of the film I'd watched so far.  I mean, there's moiduh and Satanic stuff going on -- all set to the sound of a romantic early-70's love song.  This movie just went off into full demented territory!    

The Brady Bunch was never like this!

All of this might lead you to believe that I hate the film but, on the contrary, it's so incompetent, goofy and misguided that I was never bored!  Probably the most monumentally goofy thing about SATAN'S CHILDREN is the fact that it apparently was 'blamed' for inspiring a couple of real-life Satanists murdering Kenneth Robert Houston in Tampa on March 6, 1975 (!).  An 18 year old 'witch' and her 19 year old 'cult wizard' boyfriend were charged with the murder and supposedly 'inspired' by seeing SATAN'S CHILDREN.  Of course, this is all total bullshit (unless they BORED the poor man to death) and was surely a publicity gimmick by the filmmakers.  The 'news article' is reproduced on the back of the AGFA/Something Weird slipcover.  Is this a recommendation?  Hell no!  Is this going to be something I rewatch ever again in my lifetime.  Oh, HELL yeah!    

OLD MOTHER RILEY'S GHOSTS [1941]

 "WELL, I'LL BE . . . . . . BELOW ZERO!"

  Watched this one because, to the best of my knowledge, it's the only other Mother Riley film besides OLD MOTHER RILEY MEETS THE VAMPIRE aka VAMPIRE OVER LONDON that has any horror connections.  Sadly, there's no Bela Lugosi here.  Arthur Lucan in drag as Old Mother Riley had a perplexingly long career as Old Mother Riley and I can't say I'm much of a fan.  Consequently, this will surely be the only 'other' Mother Riley film I ever see (after the aforementioned Bela Lugosi co-starrer). 

The plot was old and hoary back in 1941 when the film was made (even and especially for 'horror comedies').  And only the second half has any tenuous connection to a horror comedy anyway.  Old Mother Riley (Arthur Lucan) is a charwoman working at a company named Cartwright & Co.  Mother Riley busts up a board meeting (most unfunnily) by causing chaos while 'cleaning' and she immediately gets the sack.  Eating her lunch in the park, she shares a bench with a penniless John Cartwright (John Stuart) who, we saw earlier, is the son of the head of Cartwright & Co. who has also been tossed out by his father for going against his wishes.  Invited home for tea, John Cartwright meets Old Mother Riley's daughter Kitty (Kitty McShane) and their border Jem (Dennis Wyndham) who is an amateur inventor.  John Cartwright is working on a new experimental fuel and he and Jem team up to work on it together.  Meanwhile, both Jem AND Kitty are sacked from their respective (Kitty's was as a tea lady at Cartwright & Co.) jobs as well so the financial situation at Chez Riley looks bleak.  Until, of course, Old Mother Riley randomly plops something into the experimental concoction and hey presto a new fuel to replace petrol is created!  John & Jem need additional money to complete and refine their experiment so, unbeknownst to them, Kitty goes to her old boss at Cartwright & Co. and asks him to invest.  The old boss turns her down. 

Soon after, a Mr. Butterick (A. Bromley Davenport) turns up and informs Mrs. Riley that her late husband's family had all gone defunct and she has now inherited an old castle.  The quartet packs up and heads off to take possession of the castle which will also provide a big space to continue perfecting the new fuel.  Met by caretaker McAdam (the wonderful John Laurie), the spooky old castle begins freaking everyone out.  All the horror-comedy tropes are dragged out to make Old Mother Riley in particular a nervous wreck.  I don't think it's much of a spoiler (since we are shown fairly quickly) that McAdam, Butterick and a bunch of others from Cartwright & Co. are out to steal the formula for the new fuel and are causing all the spooky occurrences in an effort to do so.  The spooky goings on are all overly familiar, of course, but make the film just about watchable.  Whereas OLD MOTHER RILEY MEETS THE VAMPIRE years later looks very threadbare (as it was the final Mother Riley film), the castle set in OLD MOTHER RILEY'S GHOSTS looks marvelous and is top drawer!  Arthur Lucan as Mother Riley is, at the best of time, rather annoying and most of the rest of the cast is rather pedestrian. 

John Laurie, obviously, is his usually magnificent self and elevates every scene in which he appears.  Dennis Wyndham as Jem is also pretty good; giving and "Edgar Kennedy" vibe to his performance.  Lucan himself also appears as a man for the first and only time in the film series as a thug who impersonates Old Mother Riley at one point.  This allows the movie to drag out one more 'old dark house' horror-comedy trope of having the real Mother Riley and the fake Mother Riley (both played by Lucan) running around the castle causing more confusion.  While certainly not recommended by me, OLD MOTHER RILEY'S GHOSTS is a just-watchable, mildly-enjoyable waste of time which is not terrible but not very good either.  If you're kindly disposed to this kind of thing, a late night watch while you're drifting in and out of sleep might be the best way to watch this barely over-an-hour film.

MASSAGE PARLOR MURDERS (1973)

 "HOW DANGEROUS CAN IT BE WHEN YOU GOT YOUR PANTS DOWN, RIGHT?" 

Some creep is going around to New York City massage parlors and killing the women who work there. OK, that's the plot out of the way, now let's get to the important stuff.  MASSAGE PARLOR MURDERS aka MASSAGE PARLOR HOOKERS is the one and only directorial effort by Alex Stevens and Chester Fox and we all owe them a debt of gratitude. 

Sleazy, incompetently-made and seemingly ad-libbed by all the actors, this film is one of the reasons we all love these kind of films!  Priceless alone for it's many, many shots of NYC in the early 1970's when the city was bankrupt and at it's most lowdown.  Gorgeous shots of what I assume are movie theater marquees along Times Square showing films like SERPICO and BLOOD OF DRACULA'S CASTLE, this is the kind of stuff 42nd Street Pete celebrated in his late, lamented magazine "Grindhouse Purgatory".  Much like BASKET CASE (which similarly provides us with those precious sites of a grimy, gritty and now gone forever NYC, MASSAGE PARLOR MURDERS really steeps you in it!  We're on Broadway now.  Oh look, there's actually Horn & Hardart's.  Oh look, the camera spots and old lady with a cane waddling away down the sidewalk - - and the camera lingers for a good long while on her.  Man, there's a glorious box of Ronzoni spaghetti on the counter in Rizotti's kitchen!  And this is a fantastic thing for genre fans like you and me.  The movie starts out sleazy and really good with a nebbish named Irving visiting a massage parlor for the very first time and awkwardly ponying up $20 to get the massage parlor girl to take her top off -- then nervously taking it on the lam when she offers to make him "feel a lot better". 

Irving is hilarious and sets the movie off how it means to continue:  silly, amateurish and wacky.  Next scene, a cop named Rizotti (George Spencer) is seen just having had his weekly sexy-time visit with "massage parlor hooker" Rosie (Kathy Everett aka Chris Jordan).  Both these actors have also appeared in soft-core/hard-core porn flicks so I guess they knoweth of what they act.  Soon another customer (not seen by the viewer) bashes Rosie's face into a mirror and kills her. 

Officer Rizotti and his partner Detective O'Mara (John Moser) are now on the case as one by one, massage parlor workers are offed.  Besides the scummy streets of New York circa 1973, we also are treated to the best in 1970's fashions, decor and wallpaper!  God, I love this stuff.  I'm not really sure if there was an actual script or not but the cast seems to have been given a vague outline of each scene and it sounds like they're ad-libbing their dialogue.  Far from a minus, this actually works wonders for the movie and leads the actors to be more free and loose on camera; this also lends a feeling of unpredictability to the scenes as we're never sure what anyone's going to say (which wouldn't be the case if they were following a typical script).  I dunno, this is just a guess but it seems like this is so.  And it also seems like there was never a take two! 

Again, all these things (for this movie, at least) are a big plus!  O'Mara goes to question Rosie's roommate Gwen (Sandra Peabody who was in LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK and LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT) and quickly falls in love with her.  Of course he does!  Love it!  Love it!  Seemingly random scenes keep happening such as the skinny-dipping pool party with about 50 sky-clad swingers and 1000 toy balloons floating in the indoor swimming pool.  Our detective O'Mara shows up and takes his clothes off (why I'm not sure and who cares, after all) and suddenly a woman in a back room starts screaming for help.  A (fully dressed) guy takes off running and O'Mara chases him into the street wearing only a small towel!  As the perp jumps in his (splendidly dented and rundown) car and takes off, O'Mara flags down a cab, tells the driver he's a police officer, knock the cab driver down in the street and takes his taxi.  What follows is a great 70's car chase that eventually takes place underneath the El (gee, where have I seen THAT in a movie before???). 

Another scene has Rizotti and O'Mara going to see a suspect (I forget why he's a suspect) played by horror host Brother Theodore.  This cameo is absolutely fried gold!  Theodore gets to spout some of his dialogue from his vinyl LP which he used as an introduction to telling the story of Edgar Allan Poe's Berenice (!) and my God is this a treasure as well.  After a little police brutality, Theodore threatens the cops by telling them to just come back another time and he'll tear them into 'odds and ends'.  I mean, just when you think this movie can't get any better, IT DOES!!!  There's a brief scene in a church where the priest sounds just like Prof. Julius Sumner Miller.  I mean, come on, I'm in heaven right now!  Of course, this movie also has the Tait-O-Meter going off at about 3 minutes in and there is also an abundance of 1970's topiary on display.  The moiders are very basically done but effective in a HGL-sorta way.  And as already raved about, there is more priceless dialogue than you can possibly memorize -- but you sure will want to memorize it all.  And then, after all this fried gold, the best ending of any movie ever made.  MASSAGE PARLOR MURDERS has no business being as magnificently entertaining as it is.  But, by gum, it IS!

HARRY PRICE: GHOST HUNTER [2015]

 ITV MADE-FOR-TV MOVIE WHICH  SETS UP THE POTENTIAL FOR A TV SERIES THAT APPARENTLY NEVER HAPPENED. 

That's a shame because the TV movie itself was quite good (with the exception of a few historical boo-boos).  Harry Price is the well-known (in the U.K. at least) "ghost hunter" whose most famous case was the Borley Rectory.  Price starts out in the film as a hoaxster faking seances but a traumatic event changes his tune and he no longer engages in such shenanigans.  Years later, a politician named Edward Goodwin (Tom Ward) has a wife Grace (Zoe Boyle) who is found wandering the streets naked in a catatonic state.  She's been seeing ghosts in their stately mansion and political Svengali Sir Charles Harwood (Michael Byrne) asks Harry Price (Rafe Spall) to investigate.  Price, a non-believer in ghosts but still a paranormal investigator agrees to find some sort of rational explanation for Mrs. Goodwin's troubles.  Skeptical maid Sarah Grey (Cara Theobold) keeps a watchful eye on Price; figuring he's just another con artist out for money.  Sarah is an independent woman who doesn't suffer fools (or charlatans) gladly and soon is tagging along with Price on his investigations.  Harry and Sarah show up at a London storefront named 'Ogoro's" and walk into the middle of a magicical ceremony being conducted by Albert Ogoro (Richie Campbell) in full voodoo mask cutting the throat of a chicken.  It's all a show and the chicken actually has tucked it's head under it's wing and fake blood is used to make the customers feel better that some magic was conducted on their behalf.  Sarah is pissed that Ogoro is bilking people but Ogoro says he only does it to make them feel better.  Regardless, Harry enlists the help of Ogoro to analyse some strange crystals he's found at the Goodwin house and to assist him with his ghost hunting.  Could there be actual hauntings going on or is the tormented Grace Goodwin just unhinged?

The cast here is absolutely superb with Spall and Theobold showing a lot of chemistry as the team of Harry Price and Sarah Grey!  Add Richie Campbell as the third member of the team in the form of supremely capable Albert Ogoro and we have the makings of a great TV series pilot.  But I guess that never happened.  I assume probably because there aren't a lot of bells and whistles happening here; the tone is not of a ghostly jamboree but more of a detective procedural in the vein of THE SUSPICIONS OF MR. WHICHER.  I quite enjoyed this one and lament at least one series wasn't produced as a follow-up to this absorbing pilot film.  

"THE BEGGAR WOMAN OF LOCARNO" from RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT! TRUE GHOST STORIES #52

 WE'RE BACK TROLLING THE SEAS OF 1975!

  This time, I'm featuring yet another comic book I got (sans cover) at the Pennsauken Mart during a 1975 jaunt with my grandfather.  1975 seems like a great year for horror comics (and it was) since I apparently picked up a bunch of them that year.  Ever since I was knee-high to a zygote, I had gotten quite a few paperback books (with covers this time) that reprinted classic cartoons from RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT!.  In the 1970s, these paperback books ran into a couple dozen volumes and I had AT LEAST half of them.  However, the Gold Key comic book of RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT! was something I first encountered with this very issue!  I probably read it dozens of times -- something that was quite common with me back in the day -- and it holds a very nostalgic place in my heart as well as fitting in beautifully with the Halloween season!  A witch comes back from the grave seeking revenge!  What could be better for October.  It was only sometime in the 1980s when I tracked down a copy WITH cover in a comic book store (probably Eldorado Comics) and saw that the story was cover-featured in the issue featuring beautiful art by George Wilson; the unadulterated original painting featured at the end of this post.  So here it is:  another favourite spooky comic book story from my yoot.

OG George Wilson cover art