BLOOD DELIRIUM [1988]

 I MEAN . . . .WELL, I MEAN . . . . HOW IS ONE SUPPOSED TO RATE THIS ONE?!?!? 

I mean, it's a terrible movie.  Just really bad.  But it's so durn fun and hilarious (with one notable exception I'll get to in a minute).  Sergio Bergonzelli wrote and directed this messterpiece of Italian horror with the incoherency we've come to expect and love from Italian horror.  This is the first Bergonzelli opus I've seen; he also helmed the nunsploitation film CRISTIANA, DEVIL NUN which just appeared in the NASTY HABITS box set so there's a good chance I'll be getting my hooks into THAT before too long.  Sergio seems to take the nightmare-logic and sleaziness we've come to love in Italian horror and dialed it waaaaaaaaay up because this here film is almost beyond description!  The plot (like it really matters) begins with Sybille (Brigitte Christensen) awaiting the return of her husband Gerard (Marco Di Stefano).  Gerard requests Sybille make those crepes de Grand Marnier he likes.  Sybille sets the table -- topless wearing nothing but panties and stockings with garter belts.  This is an Italian horror movie, you see.  Sybille then receives a message on her answering machine from herself -- but not herself - and from the future -- and possible also dead -- warning her about something or other. 

Meanwhile, somewhere in the castle across town, famed painter Charles Saint Simone (John Philip Law) is watching his wife Christine die.  Christine is also played by Brigitte Christensen.  This is an Italian horror movie, you see.  So is this the Sybille/not Sybille calling from the future?  But this is obviously the present as we shall see because Saint Simone soon sees Sybille and invites her to his castle for a bit of sumpin' sumpin' (or something).  This is an Italian horror movie, you see.  Well, obviously it's because Sybille reminds him of Christine.  Dear.  Dead.  Christine.  Who is shortly dug up and dressed in a wig and mask and propped up in front of the piano (she played, you see) as some sort of inspiration for the painter -- who has now gone stark-staring bonkers and thinks himself some sort of reincarnation/disciple of Vincent Van Gogh.  Sybille tells Charles that she can clearly see the influence of Van Gogh on Saint Simone's paintings.  There is absolutely NO similarity between the paintings we see (which look more like Frank Frazetta) and the style of Van Gogh.  This is an Italian horror movie, you see.  And being that Italian horror movie, Simon has a valet named Hermann (Gordon Mitchell) who not only will rape any female within a 5 mile radius but also likes doing the nasty with female corpses.  Now we come to the only part of the movie which isn't fun; that is, Hermann's almost constant raping of women.  Hermann rapes pretty much any woman he sees.  On the street.  In broad daylight.  In front of witnesses.  Who pretty much act like this is a normal thing and do absolutely nothing to help the poor women.  Now I love the wonderful Gordon Mitchell but this character is just repugnant and not fun in any way.  I guess he plays the part remarkably well because the rapes are really horrible to watch and -- this may sound funny but -- I wish Hermann was not so rapey and stuck to shtupping corpses.  Truly, Hermann is a hateful character and I wish the one rape victim who pulls a knife on him halfway through the film woulda cut his throat and exited him from the picture. 

As it stands, Saint Simone (foaming-at-the-mouth bonkers as he is) is horrified and disgusted by Hermann's constant rapeyness and constantly tells him to stop -- although he does nothing more to disuade Hermann.  In fact, he needs Hermann to brings him the ladies he needs so he can bleed them to death and get that 'perfect colour' to use in his paintings i.e. their blood.  In amongst all this, there are glowing volley balls that fly around the room (not sure what they're supposed to be).  Of course, logic doesn't matter in an Italian horror movie and Bergonzelli is scrupulous about not cluttering up his movie with logic.  And this is what makes it such a great watch (minus the rapey scenes).  BLOOD DELIRIUM is aptly titled because it's a fever dream of delirium and gets even MORE feverishly bonkers in the final reel!  John Philip Law gives one of the most over-the-top, scenery-chewing performances of anybody in cinema history and I mean that!  You just know, having read this script, Law was deliberately aiming for the stratosphere!    Christensen too plays things pretty OTT and they're both marvelously matched.  Mitchell, oddly, is pretty subdued throughout much of the movie (even during his rapey bits which probably make them MORE uncomfortable) but does revert to the appropriate scenery-chewing in the final reel.  I mean, the more the merrier, right?  As ridicculous as the whole movie is, BLOOD DELIRIUM reaches a new height is incomprehensible batshit-crazy, jaw-dropping insanity in the final reel.  And oddly, the more batshit crazy Saint Simone goes, the closer his painting (done by John Philip Law himself on camera) actually DOES begin to ape the style of Van Gogh.  Perhaps all that blood WAS the trick after all?