CRYPTIDS (2021)

 "THIS WON'T TAKE LONG . . .BUT IF IT DOES, THERE'S HOOCH AND BUG SPRAY UNDER THE LIFE VEST". 

I am forever a champion of no-budget independent horror movies because they're almost always made with more imagination, more heart and more fun than any dull old modern Hollywood production.  And here we have such a production which is also an anthology horror film that features Saint Joe Bob Briggs in the wraparound story.  All the segments are quite short (around 10 minutes or so, I suppose) which means that things do move along.  Each segment is also written and directed by different people; some I've never heard of and some I have and enjoy their work. As with any zero budget independently-made horror anthology movie, this one has it's good points . . . and it's terrible points.  I try to always look at the good side of these movies because I don't like bashing things so I'd rather focus on the good points.  And CRYPTIDS does have them.  But there are some major failures which I can't really ignore so I'll get them over with quickly if I can.  The major problem with this (and most other modern horror movies -- low budget or no -- are that the cast mainly can't act.  They were obviously cast for the photogenic qualities and not their thespic ones.  That's OK if you're doing a photoshoot for a magazine but please please PLEASE stop casting these personality-less, model-looking 20 somethings!  The female 20 somethings are cast for their 'hotness', I suppose, and the male 20 somethings are cast for their 'dreaminess', I suppose.  But even 10 minutes which these human blank spaces tests the patience of any viewer.  Unfortunately, most of the dialogue writing is terrible as well.  So that leaves us with cardboard characters played with zero ability by manikins.  And By God, haven't we seen a ton of this in too many movies during the last decade or two!  It's pretty bad when Joe Bob (not an actor) contributes one of the best acting performances in the film.  But of course Joe Bob is a horror saint who almost single-handedly championed the horror genre, horror hosts and drive-in theaters since the 1980's so there's a lot of good will there anyway.  But when twinks who can't act get the most screen time (over the monsters) numbly reading cliched dialogue, even 10 minutes is a slog.  I mean, Jeezy Creezy but 20-somethings nowadays are soooooooo boring!  But enough of that.  This movie is obviously not the first to suffer from this and is sure won't be the last.  But on to the positives, which is where I prefer to focus.

CRYPTIDS is obviously a horror anthology round-robin movie featuring segments on various cryptids/monsters and here we have some goodness to be found.  The practical effects are mostly very good and the monster makeups/costumes are also pretty fantastic.  Even when they're not the best makeup effects, at least their still practical and not CGI so they're always effective.  The movie is also shot beautifully with really nice camerawork and some nice compositions.  Outdoors locations are also nice; especially when we get a lot of autumnal trees.  As with every horror anthology film, some segments are better than others and this one is no different.  The really rough part is that the first two stories (after the beginning of the wraparound) are terrible and godawful.  Thankfully, the third segment immediately lightens things up with some great performances (by NON-20 somethings who HAVE personalities and CAN act -- at least in the comic roles they have been assigned).  Seriously, thank Ceridwen for this segment because after the first two, I was ready to abandon ship!  Anywho, let's break down the segments:

1)  THE TRUTH SERUM - The wraparound story starts with Joe Bob Briggs as radio talk show host Harlan Dean (and his engineer Brandon Bump) broadcasting their radio show THE TRUTH SERUM from Point Pleasant (home of the Mothman, natch).  People are invited to call in with their weird and spooky stories of encounters they've had with cryptids.  This is a great way to start the film.

2)  'THE MELONHEADS' - Directed by Zane Hershberger.  Not really sure these are cryptids.  It's the rather distasteful story of a bunch of 'water-on-the-brain' patients cruelly experimented upon who one day escape and breed amongst themselves and kill people in search of yummy blood.  No one in this segment can act; they are blank spaces where actors should have been and the no-personality twink cast I was complaining about.  The dialogue is abyssmal as well so it really needed a cast full of personality to carry it.  The monster makeup here (when the 'melonheads' take off their burlap sack masks) is OK if nothing spectacular.  All we want is the annoying, boring twinks to be killed immediately but we have to wait 10 minutes to get there.  Terrible.  ⭐️

3)     'THE FOREST BRIDE' - Directed by Robert Kuhn.  This is worse than the first segment, if that's possible.  A couple park rangers find an injured woman in the woods who was gruesomely attacked by some sasquatch.  At least I think that's what they are.  No one in this segment can act either.  However, the forest setting is nicely shot and the monster costumes are really great!  These are white-furred creatures who look like a cross between the Sleeztaks and Chaka from LAND OF THE LOST.  You're with me here, aren't you?  And yeah, the fact the injured woman has a large blood stain in the crotch of her jeans is . . . well, incredibly cringy.  In no way do I mean that in a GOOD way, either.  ½ 

4)  'FROG ME FOREVER' - Directed by John Holt.  Thankfully we have a segment that is funny after those first two losers!  An older cast demonstrates actual acting chops and has fun with the dialogue in their performances.  Trust me, their no Laurence Oliviers but they at least know what they're doing in these roles and play them gleefully over-the-top (as Lord Olivier was often himself wont to do).  Seriously, what a relief this segment was!  The comedy antics are well-written and give the cast a lot of bits of business to work with.  The late Warren Ray as the main protaganist of the segment is wonderfully bonkers!  Oren keeps getting electrocuted by his own monster-hunting equipment, first of all.  A cryptid hunter with a screw loose named Oren is off to hunt 'The Loveland Frogman' (who seems more like a monster from SCOOBY-DOO than an actual cryptid) and there's tons of wackiness ahead.  There something here that reminds me of BOG but this is much better than that movie and the monster costume is 1000 times better!  Yep, this one is genuinely funny and looks like CITIZEN KANE compared to the first two stories.  I'm sorry, I'll stop slamming them now.  This is what all the stories should have been like.  ⭐️⭐️⭐️½ 

5)  'A HOPKINSVILLE ENCOUNTER' -  Directed by Brett DeJager.  Uh oh, I'm scared.  Not because of the horror movie, because I'm afraid the next story will be back to the dreck of the first two.  Well, thankfully, it wasn't.  And it takes place on Halloween!  This segment features a guy and his girlfriend (she hates Halloween btw) going back to visit the guy's father Cheeks at his lakeside cabin.   There has been a rash of UFO sightings lately.  Cheeks goes out on the lake and the water begins to glow green and bubble.  Cheeks comes home with a slime-covered sphere which he thinks could be either a spaceship or an alien egg pod but it'll look great out in front of his cabin in his Halloween display!  Cheeks puts on his tin foil hat to await the trick or treaters but discovers his alien sphere has broken open and is glowing green.  A lot.  And out pop some gremlin-sized goblin aliens who have come to find Cheeks . . . ok, the character's real name is Billy . . . who had encountered the same aliens decades ago and they've come back to find him.  ⭐️⭐️⭐️

6)  'CHUPACABRA DEATH MACHINES' -  Directed by Bloody Billy Pon.  Guess which cryptid this one concerns.  That's right.  Sorta a MOST DANGEROUS GAME with chupacabras.  A guy from West Texas calls in saying a bunch of his bosses (who are druglords or otherwise naughty people) have set up a closed circuit camera system in a warehouse where they toss several guys (who have displeased them) inside (with numbers branded on their foreheads). Then a guy named El Guardo arrives with a couple dog carriers.  What's inside are released in the warehouse and go hunting the poor schmucks who then end up deaded.  While the jefes watch on closed circuit TV.  And they ain't pooches inside those carriers.  Acting in this one again is pretty solid and the chupacabra effects are pretty good as well.  The chupacabras are practical and CGI but the latter effects are passable.  Short but sweet; it's over almost before it starts.  ⭐️⭐️⭐️ 

7)  'INFECTIOUS' - Directed by Max Groan.  Titus' cousin, no doubt.  A really messed-up guy wrapped in bandages and using an oxygen mask calls in to tell Harlan that he found a go pro covered in goo and sent the footage to the radio host's email.  He thinks 'those boys' captured footage of 'The Dover Demon'!  Two teenage boys are riding around on their bikes with their go pro doing teenage stuff like lighting firecrackers, tossing bottles, playing at the baseball field, throwing chinese stars and musing "I can't wait to see boobs in real life!"  They then get onto the subject of the Dover Demon; which hasn't been seen since their parents were kids.  Of course, lurking nearby is a pale alien-like creature and the boys bean it with a baseball.  The slime-covered alien (looking a lot like a plucked chicken) is taken by the boys to the lab of a local couple of amateur paranormal investigators.  The 'demon' breaks out of the duffle bag and goes on the offensive but one of the boys smashes it's head with a baseball bat sending blood and goop flying.  Sadly for them, the goo from the creature is a flesh-eating virus and begins dissolving them all.  The caller, it turns out, is the half-dissolved investigator who sent the video footage to Harlan as proof positive.  "I don't know if that was proof of anything," says Harlan, "except to wash your hands . . . and don't bag up dead aliens!"  The acting and writing in this one is also pretty damn good.  Shockingly, the two teenage boys can actually act and the paranormal couple are delightfully over-the-top (which is called for in the script).  The demon is practical with a teeny bit of CGI for it's eyes, methinks.  Another pleasing creature and another pleasing segment.   ⭐️⭐️⭐️

8)  'TRICK OR BEAST' - The final caller is from Bladenboro, North Carolina:  'the home of the Beast'!  The final segment is directed by Justin M. Seaman who helmed that great little indy horror film THE BARN.  Two guys and a goil (all 20-somethings . . . uh oh!) attempt to go on a 'monster hunt' for the local cryptid 'The Beast of Bladenboro'.  They set up surveilance equipment and attempt to lure the beast . . . with unfortunate results.  There are some actual good twists in this one along with some good writing and good directing.  The acting is . . . mmm . . .adequate.  I hate to beat a dead werewolf but it's those 20 something's again.  Thankfully, they're not the typical pretty boy models so they're not terrible.  And the beast make-up/costume is superb!!!!  This is quite short too but an excellent way to end the movie.  ⭐️⭐️⭐️½  

Well, not quite the end.  We have the wraparound to . . .wrap up.  And the wrap-up has TWO twists which are both excellent.  It's hard to rate this one because the first two stories are so bad but the rest of the movie I liked.  In probably the only time in my life, I'd probably advise you to watch the beginning of the wraparound then skip the first two stories and then watch the rest of the movie.  So yeah, nothing spectacular but worth a watch.  And yes, the movie also has a cameo by Wayne W. Johnson AND the Mothman.