THE HOUSE OF LOST SOULS (1989)

 "THERE'S HOMEMADE GRAPPA IN THE BAR AND, IF ANYONE'S HUNGRY, WE'VE GOT THE BEST PIZZA AROUND!  FILL 'ER UP?" 

Ah, the utter joy of Italian horror ESPECIALLY directed by the unhinged Umberto Lenzi and ESPECIALLY when it's also known as GHOSTHOUSE 3 (a sequel in nothing else but name and consummate goofiness) and ESPECIALLY when including as one of the 4 films in the supposed-to-be made-for-Italian-TV "HOUSES OF DOOM" series that they crazily got Lucio Fulci and Umberto Lenzi to direct and then were surprised when the resulting movies were much to bloody, gory and violent to be shown on telly!!!!  And hoooooo boy, does anyone else remember those Vipco Screamtime DVD's from the UK?  All 4 of these films were only available on those and, I think, the "BEYOND TERROR" line of UK dvds; BEYOND TERROR is where I bought my dvd copy of SPOOKIES when it wasn't available in the USA.  Now, the wonderful people at Cauldron Films have released all 4 films in a beautiful HOUSES OF DOOM box set and it just popped up on my tomb step today.  Well, yesterday.  But I had to have time to watch this film before I could post about it, didn't I?

If you've ever seen Lenzi's GHOSTHOUSE, it's a goofy-as-hell haunted house movie and, as I said, this apparently was sometimes known as GHOSTHOUSE 3 aka LA CASA 3.  I don't know what GHOSTHOUSE 2 was supposed to be.  Wait a minute.  A search of letterboxd brings up . . . no . . . . it couldn't be!  EVIL DEAD II?!?!?!?!?  Wow, those Italians will slap ANY sequel name on ANY movie, won't they?  Anyhow, the goofy factor is just as present in THE HOUSE OF LOST SOULS as in those other two magnum Opies.

Sorry about that.

A group of 'geologists' are stranded in the middle of nowhere and decide to spend the night in some remote dilapidated joint called 'The Hermit Hotel'.  Sounds like a plan.  We're lucky enough to have one of the geologist's annoying little brother along for the ride too.  Sorry, it's not 'Bob', though but he's still annoying.  When they get to the hotel, it's got a closed sign hanging on it but the 'cast of exciting young people' see a light and a man inside the doorway and plead with him for some rooms for the night.  The man nods in agreement and lets them in; comfortingly the man never utters a word.  When our leading lady Carla and her little brother Brat get to their room, Carla comically runs her hand across a desk covered in dust; although it looks more like someone emptied an entire pound of sawdust on it!  The calendar in the room is from 20 years ago and August 24th is circled.  Nothing suspicious about that.  Cue the thunderstorm!  Quick shot of the outside of the motel with what must be a garden hose pouring water in front of the camera lens.  Carla can't sleep. 

She watches as the cobweb-enshrouded hanging light creakily sways.  Ghostly moans echo from a distance as Carla leaves her room and goes a-roaming throught the needs-to-be-condemned hotel.  Sounds like ANOTHER great plan!  She goes down to the cellar (because OF COURSE she does) and an unplugged TV comes to life showing an axe-wielding maniac killing some people.  The murder scene must've been shot by the ghost of Karl Freund because it features multiple angle shots used when the 3-camera setup was pioneered by the veteran cameraman for I LOVE LUCY!  Nice one, ghosts!  Just because you're dead doesn't mean you can't show exciting camerawork.  The TV explodes, Carla screams, and everybody rushes to the cellar to see what's wrong.  Everyone except Guido's girlfriend Mary who had her Sony Walkman orange headphones on and didn't hear anything. 

She, of course, goes wandering off by herself looking for Guido .  She ends up, of course, in a kitchen when a pus-ridden zombie arm pushes her into a meat freezer and locks her in; leaving Mary alone inside with some rotting corpses hanging on meathooks.  OK, so we're a little over 20 minutes in and I'm FULLY on board!  While all this is going on, Brat is awakened by blood dripping from aforementioned swinging light fixture.  This isn't enough, of course, so Lenzi also covers the brat's bedcovers with tarantulas!  Brat's terrified screams bring everyone running back up from the cellar and they find the kid not breathing.  Massimo gives Brat CPR and he wakes up.  No dripping blood.  No tarantulas.  Must've been just a nightmare.  Guido finally notices Mary is missing and tells Massimo to help look for her.  Massimo encounters a rocking chair rocking by itself.  Guido & Massimo find Mary in the freezer and bust her out; 5 minutes from being frozen solid.  There are, of course, no corpses hanging from meathooks when they get there.  Massimo does notice the chains hanging from the ceiling of the freezer are swaying.  Massimo gets a close-up so we can see his dreamy eyes.  Did I mention this movie isn't even a half hour in yet?  Oh, I forgot to mention that Carla is psychic and has visions.  The next day Carla starts seeing the same ax-murders in her visions as she did in that exploding TV set.  Of course, 20 years before the owner of the hotel was arrested for murdering his hotel guests for their money; ha, shades of H.H. Holmes!   Anybody smell a cursed building, folks? 

Ghostly murdered kid lures Brat upstairs to the . . . . laundry room (?) where a washing machine . . . . there's no other way to say this . . . attacks him!  And I mean ATTACKS him.  I'm gonna perhaps drop a spoiler here but it's frankly too good to keep to myself and if this doesn't make you crawl around the floor bumping into yourself to watch this movie, I don't know what will!.  Besides exploding in Brat's face, the washing machine starts moving across the floor towards Brat, pushes Brat's head inside the washer and decaps him!!!  Pure gold!  I mean, the annoying brat gets offed FIRST.  That's value for money.  Lenzi is a maestro and I worship at his blood-soaked altar!  Seriously, decapped by a washing machine.  I can't find enough words of praise for it!  No matter what happens from here on out, this movie can do no wrong.  The carnage continues and the movie is only 87 minutes long so what's not to love?  I could also mention the gorgeous photography featuring sumptuous greenery in the outside scenes.  But man, a kid gets his head chopped off by a washing machine.  I mean, what else is there to say?