XTRO (1982)

 LET 'XTRO' BE A LESSON TO YOU:  NEVER THROW A STICK IN THE AIR OR YOU MAY BE ABDUCTED BY ALIENS! 

That's right, life lessons constantly dispensed in horror movies!  And even better when it's on the 'Video Nasties' list!  I run my life dependant upon what I've learned in the video nasties and I suggest you do the same.  What we have here is the UK X-tremely wacky XTRO released in the same year as E.T.:  THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL and I also suggest you watch that as a perfect double feature.  Wait.  Strike that.  You've probably already seen E.T. so just skip it and move straight on to XTRO because it's magically delicious!  Little kid Tony and his Dad are playing fetch with their dog when Dad throws the stick up in the air.  This causes the universe to go all wonky and the sun goes out and there's a lot of wind and Dad gets abducted by aliens.  Three years go by and Tony wakes up in bed with a nightmare.  He goes to Mom's (Bernice Stegers)room where she's bonking her new squeeze Joe (Danny Brainin). 

Back in bed, Tony (Simon Nash) calls for Mom (aka Rachel Phillips) again and he's covered in blood.  It's a gift from Dad, he says.  Well, earlier an wonky alien lands, kills a guy then shows up at a the house of a blonde (though NOT a natural blonde) where he the alien places it's long, alien sucker thang on her mouth then apparently dies.  Blonde woman wakes up and she's HEAVILY pregnant -- I'm talking Hindenburg-sized belly -- and she proceeds to give birth to a full-sized man.  Hey, it's Dad or Sam Phillips (Philip Sayer) who was abducted by aliens three years ago then went down to start Sun Records and has now bloodily pushed his way through a random blonde woman's ho-ho.  Sadly, blonde woman dies.  I don't blame her!  The shot where Sam licks the blood and gore offa himself and bites through the umbilical cord is what video nasty dreams are made of!  Dad/Sam goes back to the woods where he killed that guy earlier and steals his clothes; then he goes to a phone box and calls Rachel.  Unfortunately, all he can do is wheeze into the phone and melt the receiver in his hot little hand.  Alien Sam goes to the car of the guy that he killed and the dead guy's girlfriend is inside.  Later we see the same car which has a fender bender with a trucker.  When the trucker goes around to see the woman inside, he finds her dead with strawberry jam spilled all down her front.  Oh no, it's meant to be her bloody guts ripped out.  My mistake.  Rachel goes to school to pick up Tony but is told his Dad picked him up already.  When Rachel catches up with them, she slaps Sam across the face and Sam says "I'm back."  "Back from where???"  "I'm not sure."  Wow, BABY, I'M BACK was never like this!  Then, when he goes home, Sam likes to eat Tony's pet snake's eggs.  I don't know what pisses Tony's pet snake off more; having some guy eat her eggs or the fact that her name is 'Harry'.  Tony catches Alien Dad in the egg-sucking act and runs off.  Dad chases him and catches up to him; explaining that the aliens took him away and had to change him so that he could live on their world.  And then sucks Tony's bare shoulder like it was a huge zit!  And there's a hot French au pair played by Maryam d'Abo..  And an old lady neighbour played by Anna Wing:  Lou Beale of EASTENDERS.   I mean, if all this doesn't make you wanna RUN to the nearest copy of XTRO on physical media, I don't know what will! 

Sadly, I don't think there's an easily available copy as yet.  I watched mine on my boffo German 5-disc "Platinum Cult Edition" 35th Anniversary blu ray from DDS because those kind Germans obviously realized that a 5 disc edition of this movie (including CD soundtrack) was absolutely necessary to release on the unsuspecting world!  And, of course, it sure was!  The soundtrack composed by director Harry Bromley Davenport sounds like a mix between Isao Tomita and the BBC Radiophonic Workshop DOCTOR WHO scores circa 1980.  And yes, this cd soundtrack is an absolute must as well!  The cast all gives it the ole college try and is pretty much surprisingly good (except, of course, the awful child acting going on).  Bernice Stegers, of course, headlined Lamberto Bava's MACABRE while Danny Brainin (as boyfriend Joe -- "You know me, Sam.  Look British, think Yiddish".) was apparently in YENTL of all things!  Goofily, I watched the sequel XTRO 3 several years before watching the original XTRO owing to the fact that Vinegar Syndrome put XTRO 3 out years ago but STILL hasn't put out XTRO (the damn OG) yet.  I mean, come on what are you waiting for, Vinegar Syndrome????  Tell me you MUST be planning on releasing XTRO soon, right???  Don't let the Germans have all the fun!  I mean, this is great stuff here and I really don't need to talk about it any more than I have to communicate that incontrovertible fact, now do I?  No, I don't . . . . other than to reiterate that tagline on the poster up there:  "When Tony grows up, he's going to be JUST LIKE DADDY!"  Hell yeah, he is!!!  I mean, I would prefer EVER child to be turned into a freaky, blood-sucking alien monster but that's probably just me.