A RETURN TO SALEM'S LOT [1987]

 KING COHEN TAKES ON KING STEPHEN. 

This totally non-sequel to the Tobe Hooper SALEM'S LOT features Michael Moriarty Joe Weber who is in the "jungle" videotaping a Aztec-like human sacrifice where a guy has his heart ripped from his chest and held aloft.  Two knuckleheads in a speedboat scare all these "natives" away (seems pretty timid for a bunch of heart-rippers) and gives Weber a message from his ex-wife that his son is in some terrible straits or another.  We're never really clued in to what exactly happened but Weber is on the first plane back to the States.  He meets his ex-wife (NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET's Ronne Blakley) who says PSYCHE the kid's fine but he's a really annoying teen so here, YOU take him!  Wow!  Now THAT'S some parenting!  Joe takes his foul-mouthed son Jeremy (Ricky Addison Reed -- who was SUPPOSED to play Dick Grayson in BATMAN but then got cut-out of the film) to Salem's Lot where his Aunt Clara 

No . . .not THAT Aunt Clara

has left him a house -- no make that a falling down shack.  Joe and Jeremy meet some rather anti-social people and, after about 2 1/2 minutes, discover the entire town is full of vampires. 

They keep some humans they call "drones" to "do" for them and they primarily suck the blood out of cows . . . . except when they don't and suck humans dry.  This explanation is spoken almost word for word by the head vampire of the town Judge Axel (Andrew Duggan in his final film role).  While the vampires try to seduce Jeremy into joining them, Joe is kept around so that he can write a "bible" for the vampires.  At some point, a dotty old man named Van Meer (the legendary director Samuel Fuller) drives into town looking for a Nazi war criminal!   After driving away . . . and then coming back . . . and then losing his glasses at the antique store . . . . Van Meer joins forces with Joe in order to defeat the vampires and get Jeremy back.  Or something to that effect.

Pretty much a muddled mess of a film, there is still something endearing about it; mainly owing to the writing and directiong of Larry "King" Cohen himself.  The film itself looks really great and the cast is filled with a lot of great character actors from the aforementioned Andrew Duggan to to 1940's screen starlets (June Havoc and Evelyn Keyes) to a pre-pubescent Tara Reid in her first role as a curly-haired blonde vampire girl. 

Wait a minute.  Tara Reid's character looks a helluva lot like Kirsten Dunst's exactly-the-same character in INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE!!!  Was Cohen's film an inspiration?!?!?!?  Michael Moriarty -- always a very odd actor -- is odder still in this role; possibly because he's trying to play a more mainstream character (he has a copy sex scenes in which he look monumentally uncomfortable and awkward) but he somehow doesn't have the spark he usually brings to his performances. 

Reed as Jeremy is pretty good as a typically spoiled, annoying teen in what looks to be his only film roll (since he was booted off of Tim Burton's BATMAN when they decided not to have a Dick Grayson in it).  But above all, this film gets at least an extra half star for the inclusion of Samuel Fuller as the wacky Mr. Van Meer.  I know Fuller did some acting now and then but how the hell did he end up in this movie?  I'd love to hear the story behind this one!  Whenever Fuller is on screen, he's a joy and a hoot!  And when Fuller is not on screen, Cohen always keeps things entertaining and often funny (deliberately) by including some nice one-liners in the script.  Cohen's movies are always supremely watchable and A RETURN TO SALEM'S LOT, no matter how silly, is certainly entertaining.