TERROR AT TENKILLER (1986)

"NO, IT'S A LITTLE FUNNY BUT I'M NOT REALLY SCARED AT ALL." 

That could be said for the movie, too.  One time director Ken Meyer directs an 80's no budget slasher with not much slashing but a whole lot of somnambulistic dialogue read by our cast as if they were ordering take-out on the phone. 

Stacey Logan plays Leslie who has a jerk, violent boyfriend named Josh (Kevin Meyer -- nepotism possibly???) whose friend Janna (Michele Merchant) takes her to her father's cabin on Lake Tenkiller to get away from it all.  What they get away from is any semblance of a horror film.  The ladies chat about how cold but refreshing the lake water is and how boyfriends are jerks and how Tor (Michael Shamus Wiles) needs to go into town tomorrow to get a part for the hose that broke on their boat.  Oh wait, there's also a gripping 'setting the answering machine' scene!  And a dirty old man character named Preacher (Dale Buckmaster) who's really the funnest character in the film!  A nice practical effect DOES happen when our killer saws someone's arm off with a machete.  Now, our killer is no mystery as he is shown almost from the start of the film when he kills a woman in a hot tub (very dully).  I'll refrain from revealing who the killer is although it's no secret.  I guess this is in order to bring some sense of mystery or suspense to a movie which has absolutely none!  This is a really terrible movie!  So why don't I hate it?  Because I don't.  It's just so dopey and dull and stupid that I can't get mad at it.  Also, there's something almost soothing about the sleepwalker-like performances by absolutely EVERYONE in the film which lulled me into some sort of tolerance and acceptance for the whole thing. 

It's absolutely the quietest horror movie I've ever seen!!!  Who can forget the immortal scene where Leslie and Janna are working in the diner and there's absolutely not a customer in sight and Janna asks if Leslie wants breakfast and Leslie doesn't but she's fine with just a glass of water!  There really never IS a customer seen anywhere near this diner and I can't imagine why because behind Janna is a menu up on the wall and it says they serve Frito Chili Pie so why the hell ain't that diner packed?!?!?!  You don't get scenes like this in every movie!  How 'bout the lake scene when Janna puts on her bikini (which is about two sizes to big for her, btw) and before jumping into the lake, says outloud to herself "Oh, this is gonna be GREAT!".  I mean, this CAN'T be ad-libbed; it must've been in the script because it's so dopey!  As she's swimming, it almost immediately starts to rain and Janna says "Darn it, it WOULD have to rain!" and gets out of the water -- presumable so she doesn't get wet (!?!?).  And then she sits on the dock looking dreamy.  In the rain.  For a good while.  This is fried gold. And don't get me started on the endlessly repeated harmonica version of 'Beautiful Dreamer'!!! 

 I mean, there's that scene where Leslie takes a nap and Tor comes around to tell Janna he needs to get a part in town tomorrow and Janna offers Tor a beer and Tor sits down in his EXTREMELY short cut-off jean shorts and I can't help but be drifting off into some sort of dream-state while watching this movie.  I mean, even the murders (when they happen) aren't jolting but somehow keep the quiet, zoned-out tone of the film going.  Really, there is not ANY attempt to generate atmosphere or suspense or scares at all and I'm struggling with myself not to give this film a 5 out of 5.  Please someone, help me come to my senses before I watch TERROR AT TENKILLER again and again and again . . .