SCARE PACKAGE [2019]

 "HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS . . . . AND THE HEART IS WHERE THE BLOOD IS." 

Joe Bob Briggs always tells it like it is and when he showed this horror anthology on his Shudder series THE LAST DRIVE-IN, he quite rightly and quite accurately said that all horror anthologies have good segments and not so good segments and with SCARE PACKAGE he would probably cut out 2 or 3 segments.  And Joe Bob himself is IN this movie (which I don't think is a spoiler because he's right there in the credits).  I would agree with Joe Bob and say 2 or 3 segments could indeed be cut and improve the movie because, hell, the movie has 5 segments AND TWO wraparound stories.  Besides that there IS actually another segment called LOCKER ROOM Z which if fact WAS cut!!!  Having said all this, every segment/story in the film is worthwhile to some degree and none of them are bad.  The common opinion on SCARE PACKAGE that I've seen is that the film starts great and finishes great but sags in the middle and again, boringly, I'll agree with that.  

SCARE PACKAGE does indeed have 5 stories and 2 wraparound stories/frame narratives which dovetail into each other.  That's novelty enough in itself. The film opens with a man named Mike Myers (get it?!?) altering a sign leading to an insane asylum which will lead a car full of dopey teenagers into the beginning of a horror movie in which they'll probably all be killed.  Mike is then seen complaining to his friend Wendy (who is the stock horror movie police officer who can't seem to hit anything vital when firing a gun at a crazed serial killer) that all he's ever allowed to do is set up the circumstances which will lead the main characters into the horror movie . . . and then he's dropped from the film.  Wendy tries to comfort Mike by explaining that he's just the 'Cold Opener' and that's his job; he's not main character material.  Later, while Mike is fulfilling his role by snipping a wire causing the power to go out in a house in which two women are babysitting on Halloween,

Mike rebels against his function and directly interacts with the women; hoping that he will be able to be a hero or at least a main character in the horror to follows.  Of course, none of this works out the way Mike is intending.  I won't say any more other than to say that we eventually switch to Mike who has hitchhiked a ride with Rad Chad.  When Mike is dropped off, Rad Chad drives to work at his video store "Rad Chad's Horror Emporium" for the second framing story where a movie know-it-all named Sam  applies for a job and Chad rejects him apparently for the umpteenth time because Sam is so unlikeable.  Another man named Hawn applies and quickly gets the job.  Sam recommends a 'must-see' horror film to Chad called "ONE TIME IN THE WOODS" and we then cut to the actual movie "ONE TIME IN THE WOODS" where two couples are camping in the woods.  A man comes running out of the woods claiming to be 'dangerous' and starts to transform into a gooey mess and begs them to kill him with silver.  Besides this goo monster, a 'Back Woods Slasher' also appears.  I'll say no more about the plot of this one but this, along with the wraparound stories "COLD OPEN/RAD CHAD'S HORROR EMPORIUM/HORROR HYPOTHESIS",  is the best and funniest of the segments.  I frequently laughed out loud which is not usual for me.

The next story is called "M.I.S.T.E.R." which concerns a men's group and werewolves.  Not great, not bad, kinda incoherent. 

Next story is "GIRLS NIGHT OUT OF BODY" which concerns 3 women having a get together (they're too old for a slumber party but that's kinda what it is).  One of the women shoplifts an orange skull lollipop marked 'not for sale' from a convenience store.  Licking the lollipop transforms your face into a replica of the orange skull face.  Again . . . not great, not bad, kinda incoherent. 

The next story is "THE NIGHT HE CAME BACK AGAIN!  PART IV: THE FINAL KILL" which finds a group of twentysomethings encountering a masked killer who is seemingly impossible to kill; this segment parodies that trope.  Not great, not bad. 

Next story is "SO MUCH TO DO" which finds a man driven in the trunk of a car to an open grave by two mysterious men wearing black gloves.  One of the 'baddies' removes his glove to reveal a glowing omega symbol on his hand; he burns the symbol into the 'victim/marked man's' forehead then they bury him alive.  Smoke emerges from the grave and drifts to a parked car in which Francesca sits talking to her friend on the phone.  She inhales the smoke and sees the 'marked man' in the mirror; apparently he has taken over her body.  The 'marked man' and Francesca then fight over who will control her body.  Not great, not bad, reeeeeeeeeeeeeally incoherent.  When Joe Bob screened the film on his THE LAST DRIVE-IN, he even states how he 'just doesn't get' these middle stories and they are head-scratchingly confusing; however, they are short enough and have just enough to them as to keep them from sinking into the 'bad' category.  Especially "SO MUCH TO DO" which features a stand-out performance by Toni Trucks as Francesca; i'd like to see her kickass character in a whole movie to herself! 

After "SO MUCH TO DO", the two wraparound stories return and sort of meld together into a segment called "HORROR HYPOTHESIS" in which Rad Chad is captured and taken to a scientific facility under the video store which is conducting experiments on a masked serial killer named "The Devil's Lake Impaler" and a bunch of seeming 'horror character stereotypes' that represent such horror staples as the slut, the jock (yes, wearing Johnny Depp's costume from A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET!), the token black guy, the final girl, the 'monster fighter'. . . and Rad Chad himself as the 'know-it-all horror movie expert'.  This segment pointedly makes fun of the meta on meta horror movies from SCREAM to CABIN IN THE WOODS with razor-sharp insight. All this melding of two wraparound framing stories is hilariously excellent and leads to a very satisfying conclusion to the film.

Joe Bob Briggs, Jeremy King, Zoe Graham, Chase Williamson

Jeremy King as Rad Chad, Hawn Tran as Hawn and Byron Brown as Sam are all excellent in the "Video Emporium' scenes as are Jon Michael Simpson and Haley Alea Erickson as Mike Myers and Wendy respectively in "COLD OPEN".   The entire cast of "ONE TIME IN THE WOODS" plays it just perfectly with expert comic timing.  All the other middle segments feature performances which are just fine with, as mentioned, the one standout performance being Toni Trucks in "SO MUCH TO DO".  The final wrap-up "HORROR HYPOTHESIS" also features the meda-awesome Joe Bob Briggs as himself, veteran wrestler Dustin Rhodes as The Devil's Lake Impaler and the wonderful Chase Williamson (JOHN DIES AT THE END, BEYOND THE GATES, VICTOR CROWLEY) as Pete (the stoner); everyone else in the film's finale are equally excellent.  The movie has a passel of directors with the best sequences directed by Aaron B. Koontz (RAD CHAD'S HORROR EMPORIUM/HORROR HYPOTHESIS), Emily Hagins (COLD OPEN) and Chris McInroy (ONE TIME IN THE WOODS).

Dustin Rhodes as The Devil's Lake Impaler

So basically what do we have here?  What we have here is a very enjoyable horror anthology movie which I will probably be rewatching around Halloween each year.  But what I'll probably be doing is skipping over the middle stories M.I.S.T.E.R., GIRLS NIGHT OUR OF BODY and maybe THE NIGHT HE CAME BACK AGAIN although half the time I'll probably watch that one . . . or all of them.  Like I said, none of them are bad so I feel no great need to skip them.