ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES [1985]

 “MY LEG OOOOO!  HE GOT ME IN MY LEG!!!  OHHHHHHHH!”

Only AGFA (through Vinegar Syndrome) could keep releasing beautiful slipcovered blu-rays of

movies which were lucky to get a VHS release.  But here we have another one and my life would not be complete without it!  Also known as “HELL ISLAND” (not sure which title I prefer), ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES is the one and only directorial effort of Michael Stanley.  And for that we should be grateful.  For gather around, children, and you’ll see a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from this North Atlantic aboard this tiny lifeboat!  The film starts aboard a lifeboat at night after a shipwreck where a small group of passengers and crew have drifted away from all the other lifeboats.  Not good.  When daylight breaks, the lifeboat has beached on an island.  Could be Greenland, someone says.  Yeah, I don’t think so. 

One guy croaks before he can leave the lifeboat.  The rest move up on shore.  There’s some ladies (dolled up in what looks like 1920’s dresses) and there’s some guys.  No one really stands out personality-wise except for rich prick Mr. Morgan (John Vichiola) who’s snippy and bossy and self-centered and I’m probably on HIS side!  The bane of all micro-budget horror films (especially from 1985) occurs as the first half hour is a heavy slog through uninteresting “character development” convo’s which nobody cares about (including the actors themselves, I reckon).  However, there’s one great break in the monotony as one guy finds an inland lake for some desperately needed fresh water. Psyche!  The lake water is basically acid and the guy sticks his face in the water and his face melts in a bloody mess.  Axe another survivor!  Just after the half hour mark, as night has fallen and our cast huddles around a campfire, a woman notices about a million glowing eyes in the darkness of the forest.  Then an all-out mini-monster attack happens as what can only be described as goofy long-haired, razor-teethed puppets attack and bite everybody.  Now, obviously these “Beast Creatures” are ‘inspired’ by Dan Curtis’s Zuni fetish from TRILOGY OF TERROR and they are a hoot!  I love them I love them I love them!!!  I’m sorry, they’re cute as hell and I want my own licensed life-sized Beast Creature for my very own.  I will love him and squeeze him . . . . 

Moving on.

Besides the obvious TRILOGY OF TERROR callback, this movie also has a serious HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND vibe from the island setting to the puppet-like creature (who is ALSO lovable as hell in that low budget epic.  Another thing which sprang to mind while watching our cast ‘fight off’ these little creatures is the effort Bela Lugosi went through in BRIDE OF THE MONSTER while he desperately thrashed around trying to ‘fight off’ an obviously inert, rubber octopus.  Our cast here gives it the old college try and sells it as best they can.  They also have a habit of splitting up and wandering off alone in the forest.  And with all the trees around, why don’t they break off some club-sized tree branches and bash the hell out of the little buggers.  I mean, one guy does get a stick and I think only uses it as a walking stick.  C’mon, people! 

Also particularly hilarious is that fact that the opposite of stereotypical behaviour from the women occurs.  Normally in these types of horror movies, the ladies get all quivering and scaredy-cat but here the women seem not to be bothered by the mayhem.  While the men wander around fretting, the women frolic in a (non-acid) stream humming and giggling -- one of the women even sings "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive-oh".  Despite some of their party dying and being attacked by mini-monsters who bit deeply into their legs and backsides!  Nope, these women just don't pay it no never mind!  Except, of course, when the beast creatures attack again; then they're all screams.  I mean, this IS a horror movie, goils, you have to hold up your end!  Another priceless bit of business (in a movie apparently overflowing with them), when a beast creature is gnawing on Mr. Morgan's leg, the close-up shot looks like nothing other than it's humping his leg!  But no, frankly the men in this movie are less than useless.  Like I said, whiny bitch tho he be, I'm kinda with Mr. Morgan on this.  I hope they all get eaten.

As far as the no name cast goes, they have trouble sometimes keeping a straight face.  But I'm pretty sure they're having a great time and ham it up in the most enjoyable manner.  They're actually entertaining to watch wandering aimlessly through the forest.  I mean, smarter characters would've probably hot-footed it to the beach and stood ankle-deep in the ocean.  I mean, I don't really think those little beast creature can swim, do you?  Plus they'd get their long, luxurious hair wet.  But then, as if all this wasn't wonderful enough, we get a scene of a gaggle of beast creatures worshipping a large, wooden idol.  I mean, this is something you never realized you'd waited your whole life to see!  And sure, I may seem to be taking the piss out of this movie, but I don't really mean to since I had so much fun watching it.  Again, I'd much rather watch (and re-watch) ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES than AVATAR or VAN HELSING since they were just boring and bad (with no redeeming value) respectively.  This movie right here is entertaining as all hell; even given the slow first 30 minutes which, to be fair, included the fun of the pissy Mr. Morgan and a face melted with acid!  This is one I'll rewatch over the years without a doubt!       

How great is this shot?!?  All those lil knuckleheads worshipping their knucklehead god!

 

DOCTOR WHO: THE CREEPING DEATH [2019]

 "GO ON, I KNOW THAT FACE.  HOW'S THE WORLD GOING TO END THIS TIME?"

  This go round we head into the fog with Doctor number Ten(nant) and Donna Noble.  While I'm no novice the the Doctor Who audio adventures, this is actually the very first Big Finish 10th Doctor audio I've listened to so this was something of an event!  Of course, knowing me, I chose death amidst the creepy London fog as my starting point.  Big Finish synopsis:  

"London, 1952, and a deadly smog envelops the capital.

But something even more dangerous - and alien - is hiding within the mists.

When the Doctor and Donna get lost in the fog, they find a motley group of Londoners trying to make their way home.

Very soon, the stakes are raised, as death creeps along fume-choked streets, and not everyone will make it out alive..."

The Doctor and Donna pile out of the TARDIS in swinging sixties London where Donna wants to snag herself a Beatle.  Only it's not.  It's actually 1952 London and the streets are enveloped in a filthy thick fog.  When they finally discover what year it is, Donna's realization that her Gramps is out there somewhere and it's a really lovely moment.  I can just picture the young Bernard Cribbins running around . . . but sadly imagine it is all we get to do.  Still, it's a really nice, human touch from Roy Gill's script.  Before they can think, the Doctor and Donna hear a woman screaming for help deep inside the fog.  Soon separated, cinema usherette Ivy Clark (Lauren Cornelius) asks for the Doctor's help; all the customers are slumped dead in their theatre seats and 'something' is in there with them -- swarming insect-like.  Meanwhile, Donna stumbles into Terry Hopkins (Theo Stevenson) who mistakes her for a bloke (Ooo, the cheek!) on his way to meet his boyfriend Richard -- (which, you'll remember is actually illegal in 1952 Britain!  Two blokes and all).  This is also a nice bit of characterisation that's not crowbarred into the script but emerges naturally through the writing.  Meanwhile, the Doctor tries to convince Ivy to leave the macabre cinema scene for her own safety.  Ivy resists running away and, even if she did, she'd have to pick up her maybe boyfriend -- if she plays her cards right -- first.  His name is Richard.  Then we have pompous actress Alice Aitken (Helen Goldwyn) and old codger Malcolm Wishart (Stephen Critchlow) who are involved in an accident when her Bentley crashes into a bus.  All our characters meet up in the garage where Richard works.  The Doctor takes Donna aside and tells her this is the deadly 1952 London smog which was the worst on record and resulted in up to 12,000 deaths!    Meanwhile, the Doctor has determined that there is something alien out there in the smog! 

David Tennant and Catherine Tate slip back into their characters like they never left.  Actually, the entire ensemble cast is superb with Helen Goldwyn particularly wonderful in her OTT diva performance; particularly sparring with Catherine Tate.  Here's a nice idea of their repartee:

"ALICE:  Does no one appreciate the pickle I'm in?!?  I'm due on stage in half an hour!

DONNA:  Oh, you mean you're an . . . 

ALICE:  Alice Aitken.  Star of the West End stage.

DONNA:  Never heard of ya!

ALICE:  Well, really!

DONNA:  Do you know who she is?  Miss High and Mighty! 

RICHARD:  I prefer the movies.

DONNA:  What about you, Tezzer?

TERRY:  I only go to pantos.

DONNA:  That'd work cuz right now I'm seeing her as the wicked stepmother.

ALICE:  (LONG, LOUD GASP)  I'm FAR too young for character work!!!  I've never been so insulted in my life!

DONNA:  That's good, Baby Jane, cuz I'm only just getting started!  So pipe down!"

 Stellar acting combined with a cracking script and deft direction by Ken Bentley make this audio adventure a perfect way for me to venture into the 10th Doctor audios.  This was a wonderful time!  Oh yes, and apparently there was a limited edition vinyl LP which I'm totally lusting after!

DOCTOR WHO: NEVERMORE [2009]

 "SOMETIMES ALL I AM IS A CAT'S PAW!" 

This go round we find the Doctor with his brand new companion Tasmin Drew (Niky Wardley) after the 'companion casting call' of SITUATION VACANT.  With Lucie Bleedin' Miller gone, Tasmin keeps the witty comebacks coming but in a different way than Lucie did.  It's always difficult when a change of companions happens but Wardley quickly makes Tasmin an interesting, entertaining character.  As you've no doubt guessed by the adventure's title, this one is a heavily Edgar Allan Poe inspired outing.  From Big Finish's own blurb:  "  A bizarre manifestation in the Control Room forces the TARDIS onto the Plutonian shores of the irradiated world Nevermore, whose sole inhabitant is the war criminal Morella Wendigo – a prisoner of this devastated planet. But the Doctor and his new companion aren’t Morella’s only visitors. Senior Prosecutor Uglosi fears the arrival of an assassin, after the blood of his prize prisoner. An assassin with claws…There’s no escape from Nevermore, whose raven-like robot jailers serve to demonstrate Uglosi’s macabre obsession with the works of the 19th century horror writer Edgar Allan Poe. An obsession that might yet lead to the premature burial of everyone on the planet’s surface – wreathed in the mist they call the Red Death!"  Not only do they have characters with names straight out of Poe (Morella, Berenice but also a shout-out to the Universal 1934 film THE BLACK CAT; guess what Prosecutor Uglosi's name unscrambles spells!  And also there's another character important to the plot named Verdegast (which is Bela Lugosi's character in THE BLACK CAT as well).  Oh, and yes, while the Doctor is giving Tasmin a tour of the TARDIS, there's suddenly a black puddy tat which the pair chase around.  As if all this wasn't Poe-y enough, the author himself also makes an appearance.  The robotic raven guards are nicely cracked characters themselves that seem not too right in the programming; and their voices are somewhat Dalek-sounding but with enough raveny differences to make them different enough sonically to stand on their own. 

Niky Wardley, Catherine Tate & David Tennant

NEVERMORE is one you really have to listen to closely to unravel all that's going on; in fact, I'll probably give this a second listen eventually to clarify some things.  But the ride is really fun; especially for us Poe fans!  This might start sounding a bit cliched but Paul McGann and Niky Wardley also have a really nice chemistry and work well together from the start.  It's always nice to have a companion who needles the Doctor now and then and Tamsin starts right in with her quips.  When she spots the kitty cat, she automatically thinks it's the Doctor's pet.  "There's two types of men . . . one's a serial killer and the other is one who lives at home and loves his cat . . . and it's nothing to be ashamed of!"  Of course, Niky Wardley has another connection to DOCTOR WHO in that priceless Red Nose Day "Am I Bovvered" sketch with David Tennant alongside Catherine Tate.  Fenella Woodgar as Morella Wendigo gives her character an evil whispery menace which is soooooooooooooo good but not a one note vocalization; she changes to an acid-tongued snarkiness with a knife-sharp sense of humour alternately.  This really works even if the description here doesn't make it sound like it does.  Other heavy hitters in the cast are Emilia Fox (Polanski's THE PIANIST) as Berenice and Michael J. Shannon (who, among other things, played JFK in that episode of RED DWARF) as Senior Prosecutor Uglosi.  There are Poe quotes galore in this story.  In fact, at one point the ravens demand that the Doctor recite from memory Poe's poem THE RAVEN as sort of a password.  Many Poe stories are referenced and, in fact, re-enacted also. NEVERMORE was written by DOCTOR WHO vet Alan Barnes (who penned Paul McGann's first Big Finish adventure STORM WARNING) and directed by Big Finish honcho Nicholas "EXTERMINATE" Briggs.  Somewhat wacky and a little bit spooky, this is an above-average lot of fun! 

DOCTOR WHO: HOTHOUSE [2009]

 "DEATH BY SALAD!"

  My latest excursion into audio Doctorland is this story written by the glorious Jonathan Morris and directed by Barnaby Edwards.  This is generally held in semi-low esteem but it features the return of the Krynoids from my favourite all-time Doctor Who storyline:  THE SEEDS OF DOOM with Tom Baker & Elisabeth Sladen . . . . oh, and Camp Freddy, of course!  Morris is the author of such outstanding Doctor Who audio adventures as THE HAUNTING OF THOMAS BREWSTER as well as the truly terrifying STATIC (reviewed elsewhere on this blog) but I kept my hopey-hopes in check knowing HOTHOUSE generally gets a meh response.  The synopsis from Big Finish's own blurb:    "Somewhere in the south of England stands the Hothouse. Five vast, state-of-the-art biodomes, all steel and glass. Inside, rock star turned environmental activist Alex Marlow has a plan to save the world from climate change. By any means necessary...  There's something growing inside the Hothouse. Something that could turn back humanity's tide. A voracious alien vegetable called the Krynoid. The Doctor's going to have to stop it. Stop Marlow. Stop Marlow's fanatical acolyte, Lucie Miller...   Save the world. By any means necessary."

Paul John McGann & Sheridan Smith

The neat thing about this story is that Lucie Miller (the wonderful Sheridan Smith), for reasons which remains spoilery, previously travelled with the Doctor (Paul John McGann) pretty much against both their wills.  The C.I.A. (as any Whovian knows is the Gallifreyan Celestial Intervention Agency) placed Lucie in the Doctor's TARDIS as sort of a 'witness protection program' due to something timey-wimey and spoilery.  At one point, Lucie left the Doctor and at another point the 8th Doctor got some memory issues (deriving from events in the audio adventure ORBIS).  HOTHOUSE shows Lucie Miller re-entering the 8th Doctor's life but he doesn't quite remember who she is.  Details like this are dealt with in subsequent stories  and here we have a great example of that.  At the beginning of the story, Lucie Miller seems to have joined a rather militant ecology organisation called 'The League of Nature' and, in an interview, states that she will even commit murder in order to save the planet! 

Lysette Anthony

The L.O.N. was created by former rock star and current political activist Alex Marlow (Nigel Planer).  In a direct line from the TV adventure THE SEEDS OF DOOM, the World Ecology Bureau's Sir Colin Thackery, after the 4th Doctor departed, took some cuttings of the Krynoid and stored them.  Unfortunately, these Krynoid samples were stolen and now Marlow is cultivating them into a new form of Krynoid.  It's perhaps not too surprising to learn that Lucie is not in fact a rabid eco-terrorist but is actually working undercover to infiltrate the L.O.N. when the Doctor arrives in the midst of things.  Lysette Anthony (KRULL, JACK THE RIPPER [1988] and TRILOGY OF TERROR II) appears as Hazel Bright; a character which I will also not talk any further about because spoilers spoilers.  Interestingly, Lysette Anthony not only previously worked with Paul McGann in the 2001 movie HOTEL but also appeared alongside Peter Capaldi in the same movie!!!  Timey-wimey!

Sheridan Smith, in character, as Lucie Bleedin' Miller

I really loved the interplay between McGann and Smith and the added bonus of the Doctor not quite remembering/knowing what to think of her brings an entirely new angle to their relationship.  Smith, as always, is spectacularly good as Lucie Bleedin' Miller and brings so much life into every story she's in!  Her street-tough attitude and humourous quips never go amiss with me.  Nigel Planer does a nice job with a rather stereotypical 'mad scientist' part and never once cooks a pot of lentils.  Wait, I guess that would be veggie murder so he wouldn't, would he?  Planer, who reveals in the behind-the-scenes interview, that he is not a particular fan of fantasy/science fiction genres, seems to get cast in a lot of them and here, as stated, he's fine.  Lysette Anthony also does a very good job with a very underwritten role.  In fact, oddly for Jonathan Morris, all the (non-Doctor & Companion) parts are kinda underwritten and succeed really through the performances by the actors alone.  As far as the story, Morris' writing here is also a little anemic since HOTHOUSE really plays as a reheated version of THE SEEDS OF DOOM (with the bio-domes recalling QUATERMASS 2). 

Our old friend the Krynoid

This is not a bad story by any means; it only suffers in comparison to Morris' many other home runs in the writing department.  HOTHOUSE is a middle-of-the-road adventure with excellent performances by the cast.  It's not spectacular but I still enjoyed it quite a bit.  The best scene for me, where Morris' writing suddenly comes to life, is after all the adventuresome hoo-hah has been resolved and Lucie hints to the still brain-addled Doctor that she's kinda sorta like to be invited back into the TARDIS.  This final scene alone makes the entire story worth a listen!    

DOCTOR WHO: THE MARIAN CONSPIRACY [2000]

 "I FIND THAT CAKE IS AN EXCELLENT SOLUTION TO SO MANY OF LIFE'S PROBLEMS." 

This Big Finish Doctor Who listening project seems to be on it's way to becoming a thing.  This time, I'm re-listening to a classic early Ole Sixie audio -- only Colin Baker's 3rd audio adventure for Big Finish -- from way back in 2000.  I probably haven't listened to this one for about 15 years but it was absolutely as fantastic as I remembered it to be!  Besides being a 10 out of 10, THE MARIAN CONSPIRACY is also the introduction of one of the best Doctor Who companions ever:  Dr. Evelyn Smythe played by the late great Maggie Stables.  The first episode, in which Evelyn is conducting a history class while Ole Sixie's 'device' is beeping annoyingly is priceless; unable to stop the noise, the Doctor is kicked out of Evelyn's lesson.  Back in her abode, Evelyn is humming and knitting when Ole Sixie's voice comes through her letter box.  Reluctant to let the annoying man in, Evelyn eventually does when Ole Sixie pleads to look at some books she has concerning her distant historical relatives.  Oddly, Evelyn's ancestor has disappeared from the history books and a geneology printout; somehow Evelyn's past is being erased!  After gathering up her shampoo, toothbrush and ration of cocoa, Evelyn insists she's going with the Doctor to try to find out what is erasing her past and how to stop it.  The pair arrive in the Tardis back in Tudor England in order to meet with Queen Elizabeth I -- but they're in for a surprise.

THE MARIAN CONSPIRACY is usually considered one of the best Big Finish adventures of Colin Baker's 6th Doctor and one of the best of the range.  This is down to not only the superb writing and directing by Jac Rayner and Gary Russell respectively but also to the absolutely top notch performances of the cast.  Anah Ruddin as Queen Mary Tudor gives a wonderful performance ranging through all the sides of this complex character. 

But the performance of Colin Baker as the Doctor teamed with the marvelous Maggie Stables as Evelyn can't be topped.  As good as I remembered this one to be, it's better.  This, I think, is where the new, softer version of the 6th Doctor is first heard to full effect as Colin Baker is allowed to really play Ole Sixie as he wanted to do all along; the bombastic and cranky qualities of Ole Sixie are still there but the character is fully rounded now as Baker brings a lovely warmth to the part as well.  Maggie Stables is magnificent from the first few seconds of her first appearance matching Baker toe to toe as if they had been acting together for decades!  The two actors were meant to act together.  The first episode, particularly the scene in Evelyn's quarters are pure fried gold and I could listen to it on an endless loop forever!  After causing her to drop a stitch, Evelyn reluctantly lets this annoying man in to look at her books and Ole Sixie sulkily says "A cup of tea would be nice".  Evelyn basically tells the Doctor not to push it.  By the first minute, while Evelyn is in the kitchen preparing a cup and the Doctor tries to find a ringing phone amongst all the clutter, Baker and Stables perform together like a veteran comedy team.  It's really the height of Big Finish audio and every subsequent pairing of Stables with Baker is classic.  We really miss you , Maggie!  Of course, the episode 2 travel back to Tudor England amongst the Catholic and Protestant brouhaha and court intrigue also features top notch writing, acting and directing making this one of Ole Sixie's best audio adventures.  Colin Baker started strong with Big Finish and has just gone from strength to strength ever since.    

THE UNINVITED [2009]

WOW, COULD THERE BE A BIGGER EXAMPLE OF TIRED, HACKNEYED, HOLLYWOOD HORROR CLICHES IN A MOVIE COMBINED WITH HAM-FISTED, BY-THE-NUMBERS DIRECTION AND MICKEY MOUSED MUSIC????

 The direction here is so uninvolving that there isn't a single moment of suspense or, in fact, emotional involvement with any character or event in the film.  Lead Emily Browning is simply not skilled enough (at least in 2009) to handle the role that's required of her.  Of course, this isn't a slam on her because there's precious little in the script for any actor to sink their teeth into -- but an exceptional actor could've brought more to the part than was on the page . . . which ain't much.  I mean, fine actor David Strathairn's competent but 'nothing special' performance in pretty much a nothing role shows him trying to bring it to life.  The 21st century Hollywood horror movie cliches are so thick on the ground in this movie that every 'dramatic' beat is obvious before it happens and is often telegraphed by inept direction.  Christopher Young's score is working overtime trying to Mickey Mouse every event that happens with over-emphatic music because, once again, the direction is so unskilled that the viewer has no reaction to anything happening on screen.  I'm usually not this negative about reviewing a movie -- I try to look at the good aspects of a film without dwelling on the bad -- but this movie just pissed me off.  A decent, ghostly movie could've been made here from the starting point of A TALE OF TWO SISTERS but this lazy cash-grab isn't it!  

OK, so you need look no further than the "making of" interviews with the filmmakers to discover why this movie (a "remake" of the Korean TALE OF TWO SISTERS in practically no way at all) was doomed from the start.  The first dumb comment by co-director Thomas Guard is "We always felt making it that, really, i was a tragedy disguised as a horror film."  No, it's supposed to be a horror film.  If you're embarrassed about making a horror film, why are you attempting to make one?  This is probably one of the most egregious sins of 21st century Hollywood horror movies:  let's make a horror movie for the box office and then sabotage it by making it not the least bit scary and more like a soap opera.  This pathetic attitude is plain when watching THE UNINVITED because of the Guard brothers' total lack of any sort of talent for making a horror film.  The next stupid comment follows almost immediately when the co-producer Walter F. Parkes states:  "I actually acquired it without having seen the movie (A TALE OF TWO SISTERS), based just on the strength of the concept of two siblings like this."  Seriously?!?!  Parkes is practically admitting it was a cash grab to take a popular Korean horror film and crank out an American 'remake' for the bucks.  The next comment by co-director Charles Guard is almost draw-dropping in it's 'wrongness':  "The thing that we always dislike about these types of films (italics mine) is they often take you to quite a dark place.  The thing that was wonderful about this was it really was the opposite."  I don't know where to start unpacking this dopey statement. 

The co-director of this 'horror movie' is saying he dislikes horror movies because they take you to a 'dark place'.  Um, that's kinda the definition of a horror movie, isn't it?  Why did anyone let these guys anywhere near the director's chair for a horror movie?!?!?!  And he likes this project because it's the opposite of a horror movie.  What?!?!?  I thought you were supposed to make a horror movie.  Guard continues:  "It actually was very emotional and moving."  Sadly, no emotion features in the completed film.  Co-producer (and Parkes' wife) Laurie Macdonald digs a deeper hole by saying:  "But the Korean version was much more ambiguous and was, in fact, a very hard plot to follow."  So, the producers didn't even know what they were trying to 'remake'; Macdonald didn't understand A TALE OF TWO SISTERS (Ooooo, my brain huuuuuuuuuuurts!  Thinking is baaaaaaaaaaaad) and Parkes never even bothered to watch it before throwing money at the remake rights.  Wait there's more.  Charles Guard continues:  "When we first read the script, we hadn't seen the original film, so when we then watched the film we were very excited that the scripted American remake was very different."  Is one of the prerequisites for making a Hollywood remake of a film is that everyone involved should not have seen the original film?!?  So, there's more stupid comments by the directors and producers but frankly I'm getting tired of talking about this lousy movie and you're probably even more tired of reading about it.  The takeaway for me is that the two brother directors and the husband and wife producers and the three writers (not including the 4th Kim Jee-woon whose original script was changed and dumbed down so much I'm surprised they gave him a writing credit here) have no love or appreciation for the horror genre and are, in fact, embarrassed by it but decided to remake/destroy a popular Korean actual horror movie in order to hopefully hoodwink the horror fans into spending money to see it while at the same time giving themselves deniability that it's a horror movie but actually some kind of meaningful family drama.  Which it's not.  Not because the original Korean film didn't have finely drawn characters and emotional scriptwriting but because the American rehash doesn't owing to the incompetence of THE UNINVITED's creators.  So there!  

OK, so to the good points . . . . Elizabeth Banks' acting was great.  Yeah, that's all I've got.

THE INVISIBLE MANIAC [1990]

 "I HAVE JUST INJECTED MY SERUM INTO THE BUNNY RABBIT!"

Invisible Man movies as a genre aren't really that great usually and definitely not very scary. The only ones I can say I absolutely loved was the original James Whale THE INVISIBLE MAN and the Elizabeth Moss one a couple years ago. The fact remains that I must now add THE INVISIBLE MANIAC to that list because this was absolutely awesome!!!!! The lead performance by Peter Noel Duhamel as Dr. Kevin Dornwinkle a.k.a. Dr. Kevin Smith (!) was so gloriously unhinged even during the first hour when things are slightly sedate -- but around the 55 minute mark things go absolutely bonkers! I loved it I loved it I loved it!!! 

Dornwinkle is shown as a little boy at the beginning of the film who is having mental/emotional issues.  His crone of a mother (deliciously played by Marilyn Adams) catches the boy using his telescope to spy on the unclad woman across the way.  He's grounded for a year and Mother says she's going to board up his windows.  Cut to 20 years later and Dr. Kevin Dornwinle had gathered his scientific colleagues for a demonstration of his new invisibility serum.  Instead of a bunny rabbit, Dornwinkle injects himself (such is his overconfidence) but sadly the invisibility doesn't happen.  Fortunately for us, Dornwinkle goes berserk and attacks a few of his scientific peers.  Fatally.  Kevin is off to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time.  Naturally, Kevin escapes and turns up with a new name (Dr. Kevin Smith . . . gee, 1990 is a little before CLERKS came out so this name wasn't as funny then as it is now) at a high school teaching Physics summer school.  A half dozen knuckleheaded students are in the class and start giving Kevin some trouble.  Meanwhile, there's a mute janitor who is about as inconspicious as the Hunchback of Notre Dame and a nymphomaniacal principal named Mrs. Cello.  While teaching, Dr. "Smith" continues to work on his invisibility serum and, lo and behold, he makes his bunny rabbit invisible!!!  Yes, Smith constantly refers to his subject as 'the bunny rabbit'.  Like Dr. Griffin before him (in James Whale's classic film), Dr. Dornwinkle/Smith becomes unhinged from the affects of the serum (which he injects himself with almost constantly) and Duhamel has the most insane, bonkers, unhinged cakling laugh you ever want to hear.  He's just brilliant when he's off his rocker!  And by about the 50 minute mark, the constant taunting and pranking by his students sends him off the deep edge.  Mrs. Cello attempts to seduce Kevin in her office but when he refuses her, she threatens him with the police after finding his syringe in his desk drawer.  This is obviously the final straw (final needle????) and Dr. Smith begins his homicidal reign of terror.

As stated, Duhamel's performance from the very start is one for the ages and it gets even better the more over-the-top/bonkers he becomes; sweating and raving and giggling and running around (visible OR invisible).  This is a movie which knows it's not to be taken seriously but doesn't do it in a self-conscious SHARKNADO way; the laughs and situations are genuinely funny and never stupid.  This is just what WOULD happen if a nutty scientist injected himself with insanity-causing invisibility serum.  The nice thing about this movie is the "teenagers"/victims/students are all VERY well defined and likeable and we don't mind spending a lot of time with them during the first hour of the film before the killings start.  This is way difficult to do and most body count horror films don't manage to pull it off.  The writing here by director Adam Rifkin, Tony Markes and Matt Devlen is really good -- as is Rifkin's direction which never drags.  The dialogue cackled by the nutty Dr. Smith is just what his character SHOULD say:  when a student named Bunny (yep, a blonde student named Bunny . . . . there's also a Bubba) sees Smith regain visibility and astonishingly says "Mr. Smith?!?!?!", Duhamel makes an ornate bow and says "'Tis I, your friendly neighborhood invisible maniac!".  Another scene where the invisible Smith is chasing a girl down the hallway, he trips her and cackles "Having a nice trip?  See you next fall!" before invisibly strangling her with a fire hose.  I mean, this is Shakespeare quality here, folks!

 "DIE, YOU INVISIBLE JERK!!!!!"

DOCTOR WHO: SEASONS OF FEAR [2002]

 SPENDING NEW YEAR'S WITH THE DOCTOR.

  OK, so it's taken me about 20 years to listen to this Big Finish audio but it starts out on New Year's Eve so I thought I'd strike while the iron was ice cold! This is an early one for Number 8; this was only the 30th release of Big Finish's Doctor Who audio adventures and only the 7th audio starring Paul McGann since he triumphantly began his reclamation of the 8th Doctor the previous year along with India Fisher as Charley Pollard .  This is also the very next adventure after the classic THE CHIMES OF MIDNIGHT which many consider the greatest Doctor Who audio of them all!  So Big Finish's own synopsis is as follows:

"On New Year's Eve, 1930, the Doctor lets Charley keep her appointment at the Raffles Hotel in Singapore. But his unease at what he's done to time by saving her life soon turns into fear. Sebastian Grayle: immortal, obsessed, ruthless, has come to the city to meet the Time Lord. To the Doctor, he's a complete stranger, but to Grayle, the Doctor is an old enemy. An enemy that, many years ago, he finally succeeded in killing. And this is his only chance to gloat. The Doctor and Charley desperately search human history for the secret of Grayle's power and immortality. Their quest takes in four different time periods, the Hellfire Club, the court of Edward the Confessor and the time vortex itself. And when the monsters arrive, the stakes are raised from the life of one Time Lord to the existence of all humanity."

Yep, that about covers it, I'd say.  The story was written by Doctor Who vet Paul Cornell and Caroline Symcox (who also wrote THE COUNCIL OF NICAEA) and directed by Gary Russell.  We also get the return of a classic Doctor Who monster (who comes off much better here than in it's one and only TV appearance) as well as the magnificent Don Warrington as Rassilon!  Talk about a casting coup!!!  And yeah, for a split second, I swear I heard a Dalek at the end of part one!  Is it me?!?!??  I've gotta listen to that again.  And I'm not sure why I'm being coy about not spoiling the classic monster since Big Finish spoils it themselves with the newer version of the CD cover. 

Paul McGann and India Fisher have a really wonderful rapport here (what else is new -- they were superb together since day one) and they work sooooooooooooooooo well together; that's why Charley Pollard is one of my favourite all-time companions!   I also really like the arc of Charley's character in these early audios as she continues to wonder/worry if the Doctor's saving of her life has caused trouble in the timestream; as it clearly did in the previous THE CHIMES OF MIDNIGHT.  Charley here flat out asks the Doctor if the time mess in SEASONS OF FEAR is her fault because she should have died in the wreck of the R-101.  I really like the slow realisation over the course of these early 8th Doctor series in which, not only the Doctor and Charley but also the listener begins to get a sneaking suspicion that the Doctor screwed up the timestream by rescuing Charley -- no matter how much we wanted him to do so at the time.  There is a nice foreboding in these early stories which make us feel that there WILL be consequences down the line.  Charley is such a great companion because she doesn't just stand around asking questions or cowering; she is a woman of action!  At one point Charley gets ahold of a sword and comes to the Doctor's aid (even though the Doc told her to go somewhere safe while he deals with the villain).  Our Edwardian-era Charley is no shrinking violet and hangs on to the sword because she quite fancies having one.  The quips and dialogue between McGann and Fisher are particularly tasty and their chemistry between the two actors is simply magical -- as if they'd been working together for decades -- which, by 2023 they actually HAVE been now!  But the chemistry was there from their very first audio adventure in STORM WARNING when they both joined Big Finish in 2001.The Cornell and Symcox story also makes full use of the time-travelling aspect of DOCTOR WHO with trips to several eras and several incarnations of the villainous Grayle in each time period.  Think Julian Glover in the TV adventure CITY OF DEATH.  Stephen Perring as Grayle gives an excellent performance as well as he brings distinct character beats to the character which match his different time period experiences; he goes from pleasant and inncocent to evil and nasty depending on which part of the timestream he's in, 

Having gotten out of the habit of listening to Doctor Who audio adventures in the last few years, I'm making it sort of a New Year's resolution to dive back into them -- old and new -- especially the adventures of Doctor # 8 and Ole Sixie who, let's face it, are the best Doctors on Big Finish!

December 2022 Top Ten List

 HERE ARE MY FAVOURITE MOVIES WHICH I WATCHED FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN DECEMBER 2022!

1. THE ADVENT CALENDAR  [2021]
2. PEARL  [2022]
3. BULLET TRAIN  [2022]
4. BOTCHED  [2007]
5. BO BURNHAM:  INSIDE  [2021]
6. MOONAGE DAYDREAM  [2022]
7. LINDA RONSTADT:  THE SOUND OF MY VOICE  [2019]
8. IN THE SOUP  [1992]
9. THE STRANGER RETURNS  [1967]
10. GLASS ONION:  A KNIVES OUT MYSTERY  [2022]

MY MOVIE YEAR: THE TALKY-TAWNY FAWLTY-SALTY FLICKERS PROJECT 2022

 AS PER USUAL, HERE ARE THE STATS FOR MY YEAR IN MOVIES 2022 AND THE RANKINGS THERETO! 

All the details as always can be found on my letterboxd list here:

https://letterboxd.com/cerpts/year/2022/

Here are my most-watched starry stars of 2022:

Here are my most-watched directors:

And that makes the star of the year the wavishing Kay Francis!!!

ADDENDUM:  Whoa!  Letterboxd has did a new thang -- they've created a web version of my year in film that can be viewed right here:  CERPTS WRAPPED

Pretty cool!