SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES (1983)

 THIS IS A MOVIE I'VE SEEN QUITE A FEW TIMES OVER THE DECADES AND IT ALWAYS LEFT ME SOMEWHAT UNDERWHELMED. 

  I think I first saw it back in the 1980's either on HBO or rented from Erol's Video Store.  Either way, it's a film I always wanted to be better than it was.  It just never grabbed me, despite the awesome autumnal atmosphere, the script by Ray Bradbury himself and the absolutely magnificent cast of three of my absolute favourite actors:  the awe-inspiring Jonathan Pryce, the goddess Pam Grier and the unmatched Jason Robards!   On my rewatches over the years, it was always a movie I wanted to like more.  The last time I watched it was 12 years ago and I felt the same way.  This time I watched it again and my entire outlook has drastically changed.   Director Jack Clayton has disowned the film since it was taken away from him and reworked by the Disney studio. And yes, there are parts which seem not to flow together as if something has been removed.  However, this time watching SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES was entirely different for me and I absolutely loved it.  Perhaps because I have now become Jason Robards' character Halloway (and was only a teenager when I first saw the film) but it really REALLY had me glued to the screen this time. 

I can only imagine the original cut of the film which would probably be an all-out classic by the director of THE INNOCENTS.  However, what we DO have here is a fantastic non-horror movie which paradoxically is very scary and creepy.  I think that's why I never connected with the movie before because I was looking for a horror movie and this isn't what SOMETHING WICKED really is; it's more a fable by the legendary Ray Bradbury (who's screenplay rises to heavenly heights during the verbal duel between Halloway and Mr. Dark in the library).  The line reading by Jason Robards when he tells Jonathan Pryce that he knows who he is:  "You're the Autumn People!"  To me, that is now an iconic moment in Halloween movies.  Mr. Dark's autumn carnival does the devil's work by granting people's most desired wishes but, as in the motto "be careful what you wish for", it turns to misery for them.  Mr. Dark and his carnival denizens feed on those tears and misery and delight in the destruction of souls.  Pam Grier's performance is awesome in the true definition of the word; she radiates power and we're not quite sure what or who she is but she's an elemental force for evil. 

The performance of Jason Robards is one of his best (among a panoply of great performances) and conjures not only the sense of failure and exhaustion he feels as a father but also the heartbreaking pain and love for his son towards the end of the film.  And Jonathan Pryce, no matter what I thought of the film in past decades, has always been a magnificent, iconic performance as Mr. Dark.  Oh my god, is he great!  On letterboxd, Joe Lynch makes the comment that Jonathan Pryce is "sexy as f***" in the role of Mr. Dark and that's absolutely true.  Combined with that, Pryce projects a commanding evil which is genuinely unsettling and threatening.  One of the greatest performances in any Halloween film!  Sometimes it takes multiple viewing before you "get" a film and that's certainly the case with me and this one!  I absolutely love this film now!  Boy, now I really wanna read the book!         

The Truth and Myth behind Baby Ruth candy bars

If you're already not a fan of Max Miller's yootooberz channel TASTING HISTORY, for shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!!!  In time for Halloween, here is a video about my Pa's favourite candy bar -- Baby Ruth -- and the truth and myth behind where it got the name.  Also, Max makes a 1940's recipe for "Baby Ruth Cookies" which I so wanna try making.  Diabetes be damned!!!

DARK HARVEST (2023)

 I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA THIS WAS OUT! 

I know there was talk a few years ago that someone was going to make a movie out of this perennial Halloween favourite book but I didn't realize someone actually did make it.  The 2006 novel by Norman Partridge is one of those books which a lot of people love and some actually re-read it every year in October.  I also read the book several years ago and I liked it but didn't lose my mind over it.  The concept of it is awesome. Every year on Halloween night, a monstrous pumpkin-headed creature named "The October Boy" arises out of the cornfields and basically terrorizes a small town.  All of the male late-teenage boys are locked in their rooms for 3 days before Halloween without food before they are let loose on Halloween night for 'The Hunt'; they need to find and kill the October Boy before it reaches the town's church.  If they do so, the town will have peace and prosperity for another year.  The boys are released from their rooms and are ravenously hungry when they scatter and try to hunt down the monster; they're pretty much rabid beasts by this point.  And make no mistake, The October Boy will kill as many boys as it can as well.

The winner of the hunt wins his family a big house free from all bills, he gets a new car and permission to leave town.  Yeah, in this town, no one who was born there is allowed to leave the town due to a curse which causes this yearly ritual.  Every year's winner, however, never seems to be seen again.  The parents of last year's winner -- Jim Shepard -- say he's living it up in California; but there's something odd about how none of the winning boys are ever seen again.  Of course, there are a lot darker things going on than first meets the eye.  Like I said, this is a great premise for a book and the novel is really good; don't let me sound like it's not.  But I didn't lose my mind over it like many people.  Therefore, a movie of the book is not to me like an affront to the sacredness of the original novel.  Ratings for the movie are mixed; some people don't like it and some love it. It think that 'how dare you besmirch my sacred book' attitude is at work here.  But I went into the movie liking the book and OK with whatever changes/differences are found in the movie.  And I will say that there are quite a few difference between the book and the film.  Especially in the general tone.  If you're thinking this is some kind of YA movie, you're wrong.  There are quite a few really gruesome (and great) kills and the entire tone is really dark and grim.  But the book is the book and the film is the film.  They're two different things and I'm looking at the film here and, truth be told, I enjoyed the film pretty much equally to my enjoyment of the book.  It was pretty good with some really great moments.  Many of the scenes of character development with our protagonist Richie Shepard (Casey Likes) did tend to go on a little too long and, as they weren't particularly well-written or well-acted, that was a bit of a slog. 

But there are only a couple of them so mostly the movie toboggans along at an acceptable clip.  Also the monster design of Sawtooth Jack (the movie never uses the alternate name of 'The October Boy' sadly) is also not as frightening as I would have like it to be.  Again, like everything else in the movie, it's pretty good but not earth shattering.  One familiar face in the cast is twitchy Jeremy Davies (whom we know and love as Daniel Faraday from LOST) as Richie's father.  Director David Slade previously helmed everything from the incredible HARD CANDY and 30 DAYS OF NIGHT to one of those execrable TWILIGHT movies but here he does -- oh, once again -- a pretty good job.  All in all, DARK HARVEST is definitely good and worth watching but not earth-shatteringly awesome sauce.  

A Gathering of Halloween Friends

 IT'S HALLOWEEN!!!!  Happy Halloween everyone!  And look, a bunch of my favourite ghouls have shown up for the festivities!!!

THE MUMMY AND THE CURSE OF THE JACKALS (1969)

 "IT WAS I WHO SAVED YOU FROM THE LAKE, AND ME TO WHOM YOU WILL SHOW YOUR GRATITUDE . . . AND GIVE YOUR LOVE." 

Oliver Drake was a B-Western director and he made a whole passel of 'em.  Then he made one and only one horror movie.  And he never finished it.  And this is what we have here amongst us today.  Lensed in Las Vegas, with what looks like absolutely no budget and containing absolutely every single Mummy movie cliche you can list -- and a good amount of werewolf movie cliches as well.  I cannot believe Anthony Eisley said yes to starring in this movie.  I can readily believe John Carradine did because he'd appear in anything for a paycheck.  Eisley is archeologist David Barrie who is studying the mummy of Princess Akana (Marliza Pons).  Well, she ain't a mummy exactly.  She's more like a Vegas showgirl lying in a coffin with a glass top to it. 

I wasn't aware that ancient Egypt had discovered glass-making and neither was David Barring; thankfully he does bring up that little historical anomaly and quickly puts it out of his mind.  Next to Akana in the coffin next door is an actual mummy named Sirak (Saul Goldsmith) of who was in love with Akana in life and, when he tried to steal her body, had his tongue ripped out and was wrapped in mummy cloth and buried alive.  Does all this sound familiar?  See THE MUMMY (1932), Hammer's THE MUMMY as well as BLOOD OF THE MUMMY'S TOMB and practically every other Mummy movie out there.  David locks himself in the -- what is it, lab? museum? basement??? -- because the legend says that whomever is in the presence of the Princess Akana during the full moon will suffer the "curse of the jackals".  So before you know it, the moon is up and David lap-dissolves into a -- what??? -- were-jackal??? -- and his makeup/mask is just the cutest thang!!!!! 

Were-David goes outside (suddenly he's not locked in anymore) and wanders around for a while not doing much then returns back inside and falls asleep.  Oh wait, he kills a couple of cops and rips their throats out.  Yeah, there was that.  Anyway, the next morning ole David's got a pretty bad hangover.  He then narrates a flashback which is lifted absolutely from aforesaid THE MUMMY (1932) etc. This is so great there's absolutely no attempt to change the old story of High Priest Imhotep and Princess Anck-es-en-amun.  Perhaps Oliver Drake was way ahead of his time and this is actually a 'reboot'????  Well, that's how I'm lookin' at it, anyway.  The next night David furs-out again (he's so cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute) and encounters a drunk resting under a tree.  The drunk hears David growling and says "Here, doggie.  You want a drink?" 

This is Shakespeare country, y'all!  The drunken hobo wanders off into the wind-tossed night and breaks into David's place. . . to the accompaniment of sitar music (for no other reason than it's 1969, I guess) followed by what sounds like B-western music and then back to the sitar again.  I guess the director had a deal on library music?!?!?!  Perhaps.  I mean, there's surf guitar music and psychedelic 60's rock and Larry Ferrari organ music and who knows what all kinds of music heard during this movie. It's great! Were-David comes in and is not too thrilled about the bobo being there so he attacks.  Unfortunately (or fortunately for us), during the struggle Akana's glass coffin is smashed and the hobo runs away.  Were-David tries to chase after him but the hobo has scarpered.  And Akana is now revivified!  She's now up-and-at-'em and very grateful to David for rescuing her from the lake and promises that later they will have time for "other things".  Nik Nik????  Oh yeah!!!  David goes to the local dress shop to buy Akana an outfit and they get invited on a double date with David's friend Bob (Robert Alan Browne) for a steak dinner.  Meanwhile, left alone, Akana revives her mummy friend but not before David has to teach Akana how to work a brassiere.  David and Akana (whom he's now calling Connie Adams) show up for their steak dinner with Bob and Donna at a bar/restaurant which I SWEAR is the exact same red-walled joint that Jack Palance goes to 4 years later in CRAZE!  It's just gotten be.  It's all one universe, I'm tellin' ya!!!!  While they're out, Sirak the mummy pops out of his mummy case and goes out on the town.  Maybe he wants a steak dinner too?  I'm sorry but this is a great mummy!  Especially when he claws the mummy rags off his eyes so he can see.  Later, when the Mummy attacks a Vegas showgirl, she reaches up and claws the wrappings off his other eye and reveals an awesome big googley eyeball!   Oh yes, and originality is still out the window as Sirak walks dragging his leg a la Lon Chaney Jr.'s Kharis mummy movies!  Of course, there may be a good reason for that since director Oliver Drake was actually associate producer on one of those very Chaney Jr. mummy movies: Universal's THE MUMMY'S CURSE!  Meanwhile back at the steak dinner, Connie/Akana has a cobra ring which sparkles with kaleidoscopic colour effects.  I now take back what I said about this movie having no budget.  This is great stuff!!!  It had at least SOME budget.       

Once again, I'm led to believe this could possibly be the best movie ever made!  All the reviews and ratings for this flick are absolutely terrible; giving the film a 1 star (or even half star) rating.  I honestly don't know what's wrong with people; they've got no sense of fun.  After all, this movie is about 18 billion times better than the abyssmal THE HOWLING II, fer corn's sake!!!   

EGYPTIAN MELODIES (1931)

 NOW WE'RE VISITING A PRETTY EARLY DISNEY SILLY SYMPHONY. 

This B&W cartoon is fairly Halloween-appropriate as it has dancing mummies in it.  And our hero is a cute-as-a-bug spider who is building his web under the Sphinx when a secret door opens leading inside. 

Our spider traverses the inner catacombs in a really very awesome sequence which has a somewhat 3-D animation look to it and reminds me very much of an old POV video game. 

Spidey winds his way down tunnels and corridors until he comes to an inner chamber.  An hourglass takes his fancy until the alarm bell at the top goes off

and wakes up a quartet of mummies who leap out of their coffins and begin to dance. 

Things then get real trippy as the hieroglyphics on the walls begin to move about. 

This sequence goes on perhaps a big long but eventually morphs into more 3-D animation which is really cool. 

Spider is really freaked out by this point and makes a run for it; scrambling back up the winding tunnels until he emerges outside the Sphinx and hightails it outta there! 

There is not much here that we haven't seen before in early 1930's B&W cartoons but the beginning descent through the catacombs are a real standout! 

CRAZE (1973)

"CHUKU IS A GENEROUS GOD.  JUST LIKE IN AFRICA, UNDER HIS PROTECTION WE WILL GROW RICH."

  Funny thing about this movie.  I've had it, I think, two times on two of those "whole buncha movies in one cheapo box set" collections but never watched it.  Well, I did try to watch it once but the print was so godawful I shut it off after a coupla minutes as unwatchable.  Which was a shame because it's directed by maestro Freddie Francis and produced by teenage monster maven Herman Cohen and stars not only Jack Palance but a buncha awesome British character actors I love.  But no, I never did watch it.  Until holding off PAID off when just last month, Vinegar Syndrome released it in a sparkling, beautiful print in their CRUEL BRITANNIA box set!  Sometimes patience pays since there was no way I was gonna enjoy it in previous awful prints.  So, how did my long wait turn out when I finally watched CRAZE???  Oh and Tait Raiting 2:44, incidentally. . .

Neal Mottram (Jack Palance) owns an antique shop in the heart of London.  He also conducts a coven in the basement.  The coven worships African god Chuku, who requires a bit of blood sacrifice occasionally.  A woman coven member gets sky clad and shimmies up to the Chuku statue.  She's wearing more makeup than Tammy Faye.  She draws a dagger (or should I say athame) across her tum-tum and there's some blood for Chuku.  When the coven disperses, I assume, to the nearest Wimpy's, a former coven member rushes in and demands the Chuku statue for herself.  In a struggle, frustrated coven head Muriel Sharp (the magnificent Kathleen Byron) falls into the Wolverine claws on the Chuku statue and snuffs it.  Yeah, I was disappointed too because I love Kathleen Byron (the crazy nun from BLACK NARCISSUS) and she's in this film for about a hot minute and no more.  Ah well, there's a bigger blood sacrifice for Chuku.  Mottram is in debt up to his ears but, after Muriel's bloody death, he discovers a hidden drawer which contains a butt ton of gold coins.  This will pay off everybody!  I'll give you three guesses what idea this puts into Jack Palance's head.

So yeah, this is a British film set in London in 1973 -- one of the best years ever PARTICULARLY when depicted in a horror movie -- and we get to see the town in all it's no-longer-swinging, hung-over glory.  It's a similar vibe as that of DRACULA A.D. 1972 which, of course, I love.  Swinging London has come to an almost complete stop and is now deliciously going to seed.  Neon street signs at night,  Red-walled club bar with a jukebox playing early 70's rock that has foreshadowing lyrics like "Get out while you've got the chance, girl!"  I mean Jeez, am I in heaven or what?!?!?  Oh wait, I am!  Because there's more marvelous horror-veteran Brits in this movie every scene change.  Julie Ege (THE MUTATIONS, LEGEND OF THE 7 GOLDEN VAMPIRES, THE FINAL PROGRAMME),

Diana Dors (FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE, THEATRE OF BLOOD, CHILDREN OF THE FULL MOON), Suzy Kendall (BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMMAGE, TORSO, CIRCUS OF FEAR), David Warbeck (THE BEYOND, THE BLACK CAT, TWINS OF EVIL), Michael Jayston (The Valeyard in DOCTOR WHO:  TRIAL OF A TIME LORD), Frank Forsyth (DR. TERROR'S HOUSE OF HORRORS, TALES FROM THE CRYPT, CARRY ON SCREAMING), Martin Potter (SATAN'S SLAVE, DOCTOR WHO: TERMINUS), 
Dame Edith Evans (THE QUEEN OF SPADES, THE WHISPERERS),   Hugh Griffith (THE ABOMINABLE DR. PHIBES, CRY OF THE BANSHEE) and the great Trevor Howard (THE DEADLY GAME, GREEN FOR DANGER, I SEE A DARK STRANGER).  I mean, is this the greatest horror movie ever made or what?!?!  Well no, not by a long chalk.  Of course, it's not.  Is it however entertaining and diverting and a good enough horror movie featuring a nutty Jack Palance knocking off women as blood-sacrifices to his African god?  Well, yeah it is. 

Besides all these fine British character actors (who, in my mind, can do no wrong), there's also the utter watchability of Jack Palance doing what he does best; just being Jack Palance.  I mean, at one point, Palance kisses Diana Dors' left boob at her front door right before he plies her with a bottle of drugged cherry brandy.  I mean, this is the kind of thing one would think Palance and Dors had to agree to beforehand but, knowing both of these actors, it could've been ad-libbed for all we know.  Another scene features Palance wearing a horrifying mask which made me think of a similar mask worn by the guy who's terrorizing Judith Evelyn in THE TINGLER!  Palance sure seems to be having a lot of fun; he spends most of the movie grinning like the Cheshire Cat as he leaves the police in the dust and carries on with his homicidal killing spree!  CRAZE is fine for what it is.  And as I say, it has enough great settings and character actors to make every minute interesting.  An OK time waster.      

MUCHA LUCHA - THE MUMMY WITH THE GOLDEN MASK (2002)

 "A TRUE LUCHADOR KNOWS THAT THE GREATEST VICTORY IS MAKING A NEW FRIEND -- EVEN IF THAT FRIEND IS AN ANCIENT MONSTER TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!" 

Um, how has it taken me 22 years to see this show?  Very Adult-Swimmy cartoon about a bunch of masked wrestler kids going to Luchador school, this couldn't be more up my street!  And this Halloweeny-appropriate episode finds the kids on a field trip to the Museo de Lucha Libre where they learn about the ancient civilisation of the Slamazonians who were "an advanced wrestling society" ruled by their queen Voladora who wore a golden mask which was taken from her when she was deposed.  Queen Voladora vowed her revenge when the golden mask will be reunited with her mummified body.  The mummy, of course, is in the museo along with the golden mask.  The dire warning is that the Golden Mask never be placed on the mummy's face.  Of course, The Flea promptly puts the mask on the mummy's face crying "Why not, man?  It fits like a glove!". 

Voladora's mummy comes back to life with actually a kinda horrifying screech!!!  Voladora keeps up the screech and it's really kinda disconcerting!  Buena Girl attempts to stand up to Voladora but the mummy just kidnaps her because the kid resembles the ancient Slamazonian princess who deposed the queen and took her golden mask away.  Every mummy story has to have a reincarnation/exact double angle, doesn't it?  I mean, it's the law!  Voladora apparently steals all the toilet paper in the world and creates a giant pyramid out of TP rolls with a wrestling ring on top.  Buena Girl is helplessly bound in said toilet paper.  Rikochet decides to challenge the mummy to a wrestling mask title fight; the loser will lose their mask and that will make Voladora loose her power.  If Rikochet can win, that is! 

This is one of the funnier episode with some genuinely laugh-out-loud moments; especially the comic timing of Flea when he puts the golden mask on the mummy.  It must never be done and he immediately does it!  Also the scene with Rikochet falling down the pyramid of toilet paper rolls alternately screaming and ow-ing is priceless as well.  The comic timing is just really well done in this episode.  And just remember -- Tuesday night means Mask Toony's take-out pizza!    

FREDDY'S NIGHTMARES - PHOTO FINISH (1989)

 "WHOA!  HEY!  RACKY!" 

  Back in the late 80's, my doddy Cheeks watched this show.  I never did.  It was only on 2 seasons and I wasn't a fan of the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET films.  Actually, back then, I don't think I'd seen a single one of them. 

That's different now, of course.  I have aged like fine gorgonzola and I now have them all.  But Cheeks did, however, put some of the show on a Video Cerpts or two for me back then so I'd some taste of the programme.  And this here episode is rated second highest on imdb.  Besides, it's specifically a Halloween episode so here it is.  "PHOTO FINISH" even has Freddy Kruger himself appearing in the actual episode instead of just introducing/hosting it.  Wow, that's like those several time Boris Karloff actually starred in episodes of THRILLER, Jack!  So Patty McCormack (yep, THE BAD SEED herself) plays "seen-better-days" pro photographer Estonia "Stoney" Adler; who has been reduced to shooting family portraits in Springwood.  Newly-started trend-setting "racky" magazine "Kink" editor Torrie Bodnar (Kristina Loggia) calls Stoney and offers her a comeback assignment:  "Halloween issue, key layout, need it in a week using top three models.  Do you still have the touch?"  Stoney assures her that she's still razor sharp and heads on out to make a photo shoot on a tight deadline. 

Unfortunately (or fortunately, as you see fit), Springwood is Freddy Kruger's stomping grounds.  When a model drifts off to sleep while posing for a 'Jack the Ripper' fog-enshrouded scene, Freddy pops up.  "It's cold outside. . .", Freddy quips with the model in a stranglehold, ". . . but death is colder!".  Knifey-glove comes out and he attacks the model.  Of course, Stoney can't see Freddy; she only sees the model contorting and screaming and begins to take photos.  Stoney loves it and wants to take more photos but the model is outta there.  Why, Stoney wonders?  Ask your sicko friend, says the model and storms out.  Stoney assumes her dunderheaded assistant Oliver (Richard Speight Jr.) is the "sicko" the model was referring to; Oliver is expert in "moving stuff". Editor Bodnar loves the Jack the Ripper stuff too and asks for more.  Even MORE extreme.  Next photo shoot has a model posing in a coffin as a vampire wrestling with a wooden stake.  Stoney sends Oliver out to get more 'fog juice' for the fog machine and the model falls asleep in the coffin.  Yep, here comes Freddy again!  Stoney snaps tons of pictures (again Freddy is invisible to her) and thinks it's great. 

Freddy, meanwhile, has shoved the stake into the model.  Urrrgh!  The unknowing Stoney goes to develop the photos.  After developing the prints and sending them off to Torrie, Stoney dismisses the model and attempts to take the stake from her -- only it's shoved deep in her guts.  Uh oh!  This can't be.  She's dead!  Stoney decides she can't call the police because they'll think she did it; so she decides to stash the body.  But while reviewing the pictures, there's one that captured a fleeting glimpse of Freddy.  "Who the hell are you?", Stoney gasps.   "Your meal ticket!" says the disembodied voice of Freddy.  "No me, no photo, no job!"  Of course, Torrie wants another set of photos for her magazine Halloween layout.  At first Stoney refuses to do any more but she's kinda over a barrel.  So, I guess Stoney and Freddy will have to team up.  I mean, what's a few dead models when compared with a career as a successful high fashion photographer?   This is a really fun episode and it's nice to see Freddy a full participant in it.  Not the least bit scary, of course, but fun!  And there's kind of a lesson in it, if you want one. But hold on a minute!  This episode is a two-parter!!!  A nice suburban family is shot to death by somebody wearing a ghost sheet who comes to the door on Mischief Night.  Two FBI agents are assigned the case and investigate on Halloween night.  The feds think they may have a serial killer on their hands.  All the weirdos come out on Halloween, don't they?  Well yes they do and it's Freddy again.  And this is actually pretty awesome.  The family that gets murdered is the same family that was taking a family portrait with Stoney at the beginning of the episode!  Oh Freddy, you're such a card!  

It's Halloween!  My night to play!

The Halloween Story By Tommy Smothers | The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour

DEADLY EYES (1982)

 CHOMPITY CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP!!!!  RATS MUNCH TORONTO!!! 

I'm sorry but how can you not love this Canadian co-production horror animal attack flick made in conjunction with Golden Harvest (yes, the Chinese company which made the Bruce Lee films) directed by Robert Clouse (director of ENTER THE DRAGON)?!?!?  That's right, you CAN'T help loving it!  Based on the mega-influential James Herbert novel "THE RATS", DEADLY EYES is a helluva lot of fun.  Killer rats grow to enormous size after eating a lot of steroid-infused grain and decide that Toronto looks pretty tasty to them! 

So they head on over through the subway tunnels and sewers to chomp on some juicy Canucks!  Yes, these blood-thirsty rats are the size of small dogs -- and there's a reason for that -- because they're played by small dogs apparently draped in bathroom rugs.  The rats are also portrayed by the most awesomest puppets; I swear they gave off a Muppet vibe for this viewer and I loved them.  I mean they're adorable in a gore and blood-spilling kinda way. 

American everyman actor Sam Groom plays school coach Paul Harris who is drawn into the proceedings because -- well, he just is.  He becomes romantically involved with a health inspector named Kelly Leonard (oddly played at some points by Sara Botsford as if her character is an habitual valium-taker) and, I guess, that's probably why he's involved in the munchy massacre going on.  Oh yes, and Scatman Crothers has a brief role as George Faskins who -- well, go watch the movie and see. 

Because Golden Harvest and director Robert Clouse are involved, the movie theatre where the rats stage an all-out attack is showing the apres-vie Bruce Lee's GAME OF DEATH.  There's isn't wall-to-wall action but the 'relationship' scenes played by Groom and Botsford are totally watchable; really down to the charm and commitment of the two actors.  Also, the constant efforts of randy student Trudy White (Lisa Langlois -- vet of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME and THE NEST) to seduce her teacher Mr. Harris are silly and entertaining as she constantly seems to catch him when he's wearing nothing but a towel! 

Poor Lisa Langlois . . .she's gonna be short one boyfriend!

As for the rat attacks, they're wonderful and not one iota convincing as about 75% of the time they're played by aforementioned puppets in close-up shots and don't look real in the slightest.  But that's what makes this movie so much fun.  Obviously Clouse KNOWS the rat puppets don't look like real rats but he's giving them star-making close-ups anyway and they deserve it because, after all, they're the REAL stars here!  A goofy good time!  

DRACULA (2020)

 "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!" 

It just goes to show you, no matter how old and familiar the subject matter, there's eventually someone who comes along to give it new life.  Raise it from the dead, in other words.  Such is the 2020 BBC production of DRACULA from executive producers Sue Vertue, Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffatt;

the same team that brought us the revival of SHERLOCK.  Of course, SHERLOCK series 3 was a dumpster fire but they got themselves together to finish out the programme.  And here, the team is on top form again.  Done with a lot of wit, the three-part DRACULA is still based pretty much on the Bram Stoker novel but with changes which are interesting, fresh and really work (much in the same way their SHERLOCK update worked).  And yes, while the first two parts take place back in the time of Stoker's original novel, part three does indeed rocket us forward to the current day.  Apparently, some viewers were shocked and dismayed at this sudden change of venue and, while loving the first two parts, griped about part three's modern setting.  I think whether or not that bothers you is an individual reaction.  However, forewarning may take some of the sting out of it as you'll be expecting it.  This old warhorse that everyone is overly familiar with is actually fresh, surprising and a treat to watch as a new interpretation of the Bram Stoker story.

Jonathan Harker (John Heffernan) is a lawyer who once again travels to Transylvania to meet with Count Dracula (Claes Bang) about the purchase of Carfax Abbey.  Harker once again is left to wait for the Count's coach by a jittery driver and, once again, is picked up by a coach driver whom we can assume is Dracula himself (all we see of his face is a shot of his glittering eyes peering out of the darkness).  In Castle Dracula, Harker encounters an elderly, heavily-accented Dracula who offers him food and drink, smashes Harker's mirror and gets all squirrelly when Harker cuts himself.  There's even the baby in the bundle.  But all this, though familiar to anyone who has read the book or seen any of the countless film adaptations, is done in such a way as to seem interesting and new.  Most of this is due to Claes Bang's irreverant portrayal of the Count; not a comic one but a performance which shows that not only does Dracula have contempt for the human race but also thoroughly enjoys being a vampire!  Bang straddles right up to the line but never crosses over into parody or camp.  Heffernan as Harker is, by contrast, achingly doomed no matter how much he tries to free himself from his inprisonment in Dracula's castle.  In fact, part one starts with a terribly deformed and ghastly Harker in a convent being interviewed by Sister Agatha (Dolly Wells) who is trying to get to the bottom of what happened to Harker and how he managed to still be alive after his encounter with the prince of vampires. 

Wells' performance as Agatha is a sheer delight and her line readings are always wonderfully unexpected.  Also in the convent is the Mother Superior played by THE THICK OF IT's Joanna Scanlon.  And Mina Murray is played by Morfydd Clark as a no-nonsense, "modern woman" of the time.  In a letter to her fiancé Jonathan (which Harker reads on his carriage-ride to the castle) is playful and funny as she tells Jonathan that, if he happens to stray before they are married she will understand and marry him anyway -- but just remember that she is surrounded by a bunch of eligible men (and even one woman that has taken her fancy) which she will also be free to 'sample' before the couple get hitched.  Jonathan gets a big kick out of the letter and we immediately like this couple more than practically any other Dracula film depiction of them.    Part One (superbly directed by Jonny Campbell) mainly concerns Harker's travails inside Dracula's castle (in flashback) as well as Harker's interview in the convent with Sister Agatha.    Of course, Dracula eventually shows up at the convent but is held at bay by Sister Agatha and the stake-wielding nuns who know full well he cannot enter without being invited inside.  Naturally, I'm not gonna go into any more detail since I don't want to spoil any of the surprises in store.  Part Two shows us the sea voyage on board the Demeter (and is much more enjoyable than the very disappointing LAST VOYAGE OF THE DEMETER). 

Seriously, this episode is what THAT movie should've been.  Directed by Damon Thomas in the vein (yeah, pun was intended) of Agatha Christie's AND THEN THERE WERE NONE shows the Demeter crew and passengers as fully-rounded characters all of whom we care about and are interested in.  This is also down to the wonderful writing of Gatiss & Moffatt as well as the flawless performances of all the actors.  That's what this -- what??? -- three episode mini-series (where each episode is feature length!) has really going for it; besides the superb writing and direction, every single actor in it is excellent.  From the smallest character role to the topper-most of the popper-most, the embarrassing wealth of acting talent in the U.K. is on full display.  Every crew member/passenger  on the Demeter is finely drawn and beautifully played.  And a treat for us genre fans is also the appearance of old AND new favourite actors:  new in the form of Sacha Dhawan (current Master in DOCTOR WHO) as scientific Dr. Sharma and the magnificent Catherine Schell (SPACE:1999 and the classic DOCTOR WHO story CITY OF DEATH) as the elderly Duchess Valeria. 

Fan service is also given by the presence of Lord Ruthven and his wife; a nod to the John Polidori vampire but not the same character AT ALL!  Amongst the crew, I must make special mention of the quasi-comedy team of Samuel Blenkin and Youssef Kerkour and tyro cabin boy Piotr (actually Marius masquerading as his brother Piotr) and hook-handed cook Olgaren.  Inexperienced Piotr is initially an annoyance to Olgaren but soon the cook warms to the lad; especially after Piotr keeps telling him that everything "needs paprika".  As each member of the cast gets offed one by one by ole Drac, the characters constantly search the ship and try to figure out who the murderer is among them.  But frankly, they can be excused from even suspecting Count Dracula since he's so charming and nonchalant that I wouldn't have suspected him either -- until it was much too late.  As I mentioned already, the third and final episode takes place in the present day and how we got there and why will have to remain for you to go and watch for yourself as I'm not throwing any spoilers about it here.  Needless to say, this adaptation of DRACULA is pretty fantastic and will be joining my frequent rewatch schedule ESPECIALLY for the month of October.  Gatiss and Moffatt . . . you have redeemed yourself for SHERLOCK series 3.    

THE UNSEEN (1945)

 "CROSS MY HEART AND HOPE TO DIE IN A CELLAR FULL OF RATS."

Nothing like THE UNINVITED although it's often labelled as a sequel to that classic ghost movie.  It shares a director (Lewis Allen) and a star (Gail Russell) and that's about it.  No ghosts here; this is more in the spirit (no pun intended) of films like THE SPIRAL STAIRCASE -- that is, nothing supernatural is going on but a lot of spooky atmospheres and deep shadows. 

There's also a spooky, boarded up old house but sadly we never once get anywhere near it; let alone inside of it.  THE UNSEEN also has a fair amount of echoes of Henry James' TURN OF THE SCREW for me also; filmed as THE INNOCENTS which you'll probably pick up on when I semi-synopsize this.  A widowed father David Fielding (Joel McCrea) and his two children Barney (Richard Lyon) and Ellen (Nonah Griffith) are in the market for a governess and Elizabeth Howard (Gail Russell) shows up for the job.  The previous governess Maxine (Phyllis Brooks) was fired because, according to Fielding, she was a bad influence on the children.  Barney, however, is still in contact with Maxine (whom he adores) and conducts secret telephone conversations with her promising "I'll do it".  There was some speculation that David had something to do with his wife's death and that it wasn't an accident; however his good friend Dr. Charles Evans (Herbert Marshall) will have none of that.  "If you know David like I know him", Dr. Evans tells Elizabeth, "you'd know that's impossible."  A woman was murdered the night before in nearby Salem Alley . . . and then another.  A pocket watch was found by Barney that belonged to the murdered woman.  Elizabeth finds it in David's desk drawer.  She calls Dr. Evans to come quick but David appears first and discovers what she's found.  Meanwhile, Barney has been secretly letting "someone" into the house for some unknown reason and is getting paid 50p each time by an unseen, mysterious man who very probably is the murderer.  The man, apparently, lives inside the boarded up house next door and Barney leaves his Dumbo animal toy in the window to signal that the door is unlocked.

There's a lot of switching on lights in darkened rooms and characters being swallowed inside gorgeous deep, dark shadows.  The atmosphere of dread and spookiness is really well-drawn -- just as in THE UNINVITED -- but of course no hint of the supernatural is present.  Naturally, the young governess in peril in charge of two kinda strange kids of a distant father right away suggests THE TURN OF THE SCREW but here there's no question as to the reality of all this odd stuff going on.  It's definitely NOT the governess' mentally-disturbed imagination (as is suggested as a possibility in THE INNOCENTS).  While events in the film keep happening at a breakneck pace, they are a little muddled and, I'm afraid, aren't REALLY all tied up in a neat bow at the end.  I kinda understand all that's happened but I don't think it's really all that important.  The screenplay was co-written by the maestro Rayomnd Chandler (with Hagar Wilde) based on a novel by Ethel Lina White called MIDNIGHT HOUSE (U.S. title:  HER HEART IN HER THROAT).  After I finished writing this post, I watched the video essay special feature on the new Imprint box set of THE UNINVITED and THE UNSEEN and was startled yet warmed to hear that not only was the link to TURN OF THE SCREW very much there but also that Ethel Lina White also wrote a novel called "SOME MUST WATCH" which would be filmed as  . . . wait for it . . . THE SPIRAL STAIRCASE!  So full marks to my movie buff nose for sniffing all that out.  The acting, directing and atmosphere of the film are really top notch and, while there are no ghosts and ghoulies, there is enough spookiness to satisfy on a cold October night. 

FURY OF THE WOLF MAN (1972)

"HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED IN THE CEMETERY?! 

 LA FURIA DEL HOMBRE LOBO is the umpteenth installment of Paul Naschy's Valdimar Daninsky werewolf movies.  But for me, it was not only the very first Paul Naschy movie I ever saw but also the very first Alpha Video DVD I ever bought.  I was working at Borders in the very early 2000s and we got a big shipment of Alpha Video DVD's (which I'd never heard of before as DVD's were pretty new then) to set up a browser display for a promotional sale.  Now, not only had I just recently gotten myself a DVD player but I was also a life-long horror movie fan and, for the most part, these were all horror movies as well as other grindhouse genre fare.  So, my interest was definitely peaked and I vowed to by some at the end of my shift. 

Of course, friend/co-worker Rob the Bishop gave me a friendly warning saying that he'd watched a couple of them and Alpha Video seemed to have less-than-exquisite film prints.  The expectation (even in those very early DVD days) was for the best in picture and sound but Alpha wasn't hawking that.  Their extremely low cover price -- they were five bucks a piece -- kinda gave that away.  However, I wanted to watch the movies; perfect or not!  Especially since, a lot of them, had not been available anywhere before.  Case in point:  FURY OF THE WOLFMAN starring Paul Naschy as the werewolf Valdimar Daninsky.  I'd read about them but never seen them.  And so, I thought, I'll buy THAT one because, well, I'm not likely to see it anywhere else and, well, how bad could it look.  Turns out, it wasn't bad at all.  Sure the audio wasn't tip top and the print was scratched but it was perfectly watchable and didn't bother me at all.  And I was finally watching a Paul Naschy movie!  

So yeah, about the movie itself.  Not one of the best Paul Naschy movies, it must be said.  It's OK.  A LOT of dialogue scenes which aren't really riveting and don't do a lot towards propelling the plot.  Of course, this Alpha DVD was the dubbed version so there was the traditionally goofy dub actors voicing lines which were undoubtedly better in the original Spanish!  But oh, when we got to the werewolf transformation scenes and saw Paul Naschy ripping the throat out of his bed partner immediately after hearing Daninsky pledge his love and say he would die for her, we're into some Naschy goodness.  Now, I didn't know then but I'm pretty sure this film came directly after the Video Nasty THE WEREWOLF AND THE YETI; dialogue and flashbacks scenes mention a recent encounter Daninsky had with a Yeti in Tibet.  And yes, my first thoughts when watching this movie was that finally I knew what it would look like if John Belushi made a werewolf movie; I always thought there was more than a little resemblance between Naschy and Belushi.  So despite the draggy bits, this movie was still fun for me and took me back 20 years to when I first watched it.  Sure, this time around, I rewatched it on the slipcovered, beautifully mastered Scorpion release and it looked great; but there's still a part of me that misses the scratchy, spliced print.  I don't know, it's kinda the experience I had with old horror movies back in the VHS days or on cable TV where the print wasn't the greatest but that only added to the charm of the whole horror movie experience for me.  So yeah, as far as the plot goes, there's not a lot that matters too much other than the scenes where Naschy wolfs out and rips someone's throat out.  Do we need any more than that?  In this case, that'll do me.

Oh yes, and here's the DVD cover of that original Alpha Video release I bought.  And yes, after seeing the totally acceptable quality of this one, I would eventually buy tons and tons of Alpha Video DVD -- I've probably got hundreds of them and I love them all (owing greatly to the absolutely beautiful and exceptional cover art every single one of them sported).  The second Alpha Video DVD I bought???  Yes, I remember that as well.  Is was Bruce Lee in THE CHINESE CONNECTION.  And that was awesome too!