AND THE WINNER IS. . . . ME!!! The following is a transcript of my acceptance speech at the recent Oscar ceremony: "First of all, I would like to thank all my fans for showing the incredibly prescient good taste to support me all these years. And to the members of the Academy I'd like to say, Well Duh, like there were ANY other SERIOUS contenders!!! I was a no brainer, after all. Why the suspense? You shoulda MAILED me the damn statuette and been DONE with it. However, it was quite an honor to be presented this award by the inimitable and delectable Angela Arden. I've been a huge fan of yours, Angela, for five or six minutes! Thank you, Angela. I hear Kraft is naming a spread after you! Of course, Tom Cruise WOULD have presented me with this award but he couldn't be here tonight - he was deep inside a script reader. I think his name is Ken. I see Katie Holmes is here tonight, though. Hiya Katie! Isn't that cute. She's being escorted tonight by the turkey baster. Nice cumberbun, T.B. Well, far be it from me to leave a cutting word unslung but I see that cunt in the orchestra pit has started playing music so I'll make it brief. I'd like to thank my director whose sycophantic scraping and crawling towards me was much appreciated. I'd like to thank my leading lady for the clap. And, as always, I'm very grateful to my creative muse. It's about time it paid off! 'Night, also-rans!" As an extra added treat, here is a photo of me accepting my award in my Oscar gown: "Who are you wearing?" asked Joan Rivers. "Imhotep", says I. And at the press conference following the ceremony, I memorably paraphrased Sally Field when I uttered the line: "You're BENEATH me! You're REALLY BENEATH me!!!"