Take a bow the night is over this masquerade is getting older Lights are low, the curtain's down...

...The show is over Say Goodbye...

BYE BYE BILLIE. It's with very sad heart (and suicidal hormones) that this Doctor Who geek announces the impending departure of Billie Piper as Rose Tyler on the current series of Doctor Who. It was just announced by the BBC that this current season will be her last. I'd just like to say that, along with Christopher Eccleston's now classic performance last year, Billie Piper has been a major reason why the show has been a success (with acting chops equal to anyone appearing on the show. She will be replaced on the show as the Doctor's companion by former Crossroads actress Freema Agyeman (who will first appear in the final episodes of this current season fighting the Cybermen along with David Tennant & Billie Piper). Best of luck to her but, as with Christopher Eccleston, Billie Piper will not be easy (and probably impossible) to replace.

AT SWIM TWO BIRDS: WHO KNEW??? After recently watching Season 1 of the British comedy "Black Books", I discovered that the show's writers were influenced by author Flann O'Brien: an Irish author (contemporary of James Joyce) whom I frankly had never heard of. The show's main character (for those who haven't seen it) is a drunken, surly bookshop owner who is my new hero (since I have worked in a book store for the last 6 years and still have 2 weeks to go). This character can definitely be seen as having been inspired by the narrator of "At Swim Two Birds". O'Brien satirized Irish literature in his magnum opus "At Swim Two Birds" which has been universally praised by authors such as James Joyce himself and Graham Greene while simultaneously managing to sell very little and escape my notice completely. Until now, that is. I picked up the book today (not the old edition pictured here sadly but only a modern paperback edition).

The book has three separate beginnings and, in fact, three separate stories; it is indeed very much concerned with satirizing Joyce's writing style and can be quite funny and perplexing. It's also notable that the book has no chapters; it just continues right thru to the end. I began reading it this evening and, around page twenty-something, decided to put it down to make a pot of coffee. I am now at page sixty-something and have not managed to put it down till now. I guess you can call it a page turner. I'm not exactly sure why. I found myself unable to stop reading it. Here's what it's about in a nutshell; taken from The Dalkey archive Press synopsis:

"A wildly comic send-up of Irish literature and culture, At Swim-Two-Birds is the story of a young, lazy, and frequently drunk Irish college student who lives with his curmudgeonly uncle in Dublin. When not in bed (where he seems to spend most of his time) or reading he is composing a mischief-filled novel about Dermot Trellis, a second-rate author whose characters ultimately rebel against him and seek vengeance. From drugging him as he sleeps to dropping the ceiling on his head, these figures of Irish myth make Trellis pay dearly for his bad writing. Hilariously funny and inventive, At Swim-Two-Birds has influenced generations of writers, opening up new possibilities for what can be done in fiction. It is a true masterpiece of Irish literature. Brian O’Nolan wrote under the pen names of Flann O’Brien and Myles na Gopaleen. He was born in 1911 in County Tyrone. A resident of Dublin, he graduated from University College after a brilliant career as a student (editing a magazine called Blather) and joined the Civil Service, in which he eventually attained a senior position. He wrote throughout his life, which ended in Dublin on April 1, 1966. His other novels include The Dalkey Archive, The Third Policeman, The Hard Life, and The Poor Mouth, all available from Dalkey Archive Press."

Praise for O'Brien: "That's a real writer, with the true comic spirit. A really funny book."—James Joyce "At Swim-Two-Birds has remained in my mind ever since it first appeared as one of the best books of our century. A book in a thousand . . . in the line of Ulysses and Tristram Shandy."—Graham Greene "Flann O'Brien is unquestionably a major author. His work, like that of Joyce, is so layered as to be almost Dante-esque. . . . Joyce and Flann O'Brien assault your brain with words, style, magic, madness, and unlimited invention."—Anthony Burgess"

The man was utterly mad and I kinda recognize a kindred spirit. I plan on reading "The Third Policeman" next. I'll let you know if I survive it.

AT LAST THE DAY HAS COME!!! MY DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. Here it is. At long, long last, I can humbly ask that you help me celebrate my emancipation from the Hellmouth. I have loosed the shackles that bind and handed in my notice. 6 years ago, when I first got this job I thought it was the answer to my prayers; a way out of the "food business" and hopefully a company I could stay with permanently. Well, unfortunately this is not the company I started working for 6 years ago and I thought it was best that I should take my leave. It was making me physically sick and emotionally drained. Not good. So, I'm going to work along with the famous Finkmaster Flash (Pray For Me!!!). No matter how bad it's gotten, it still makes me sad to think of leaving; one tends to remember the good times and forget the bad. Over the years (and a LOT over the last year) I have seen people that I care about and enjoy working with quit left and right. There are precious few left who I will miss working with but that's the part the really makes me sad at the moment. I'm sentimental about the old-timers who are still left (and there ain't that many of 'em!) There's Natasha (the romance book lady) and El Magazine Maestro (the nicest guy in the whole wide world) and the Preggers lady (what will she do without me ordering a DVD every week???). It was a great joy working with them. And there's Ms. Roberta Quibbler who would always be up for talking about movies or cooking or ANYTHING!!! Then there's Miss Jenny Penny: a partner in crime to beat 'em all. Of course, I'll still see her every Sunday night so that's not too bad. But most of all, there's that sweet, loveable Hippy!!! I'll really miss seeing her every day and I hope she can forgive me for leaving. You were always there for me with a shoulder to cry on and an ear to bend and that means the world to me. I'm sorry to be leaving you stuck there in the mire but really, it was time. That's why it is SO important for her to come on over with us every Sunday night. I'm still just down the road and will probably be in when you're working but you've REALLY gotta come over on Sundays. Pretty please?!?!? Maybe I'll even be able to convince Whatshisname to bake a sweet potato pie every Sunday to bride you with??? Well, that's about it. One chapter closes and another begins. I'll admit to being a little scared but I think it's all for the best. Wish me luck, friends. I hope I won't need it. And goodbye corporate retail world. You won't have Richard Nixon to kick around anymore.

IS IT A RISING SUN???? In 1787 at the Constitutional Convention, Benjamin Franklin was waiting to sign the document that would hold the fate and destiny of our nation. As he stood, his eyes fell upon a carving on the back of George Washington's chair; a carving of half a sun. He stared thoughtfully at it for a minute, then announced before the delegates, "I have often...in the course of this session...looked at that...without being able to tell whether it was rising or setting; but now at length I have the happiness to know that it is a rising and not a setting sun ."

I'm hoping it's a rising sun as well. . . . KEEP WATCHING THIS SPACE, KIDDIES!!!

I'M GIVIN' 'EM THESE KEYS, I DON'T NEED THEM NO MORE! "I gunned it down to San Pedro Bay Watched my ship sail in, watched her sail away The sun was sinking into the sea But a ball of fire inside of me Was burning my motor and driving me hard Past the big hair on the Boulevard And up Mulholland where I made the scene Like the one that took little Jimmy Dean And then I shimmied up Wilshire like a little silk worm Past the rodeo and the pachyderm And then I stopped for coffee at an art cafe I saw the repo man and made my getaway Doing the Eagle Rock Heading for the hills Oh try to let my engines cool And it is not my fault that this town shakes I saw the falling rock and I hit my brakes I've come a long way I've come a long way I've gone 500 miles today I've come a long way I've come along way And never even left L.A. Now you tow it to the repo man's front door And you give him these keys, I don't need them no more You tow it to the repo man's front door And you give him these keys, I don't need them no more I've come a long way I've come a long way I've gone 500 miles today I've come a long way I've come along way And never even left L.A." -- Michelle Shocked WATCH THIS SPACE, CHILDREN. . . . . .

SCHOOL REUNION: Wish I could see it. Well, I've seen the first 3 episodes of the new David Tennant Doctor Who. Sadly, I haven't seen the fourth episode (entitled School Reunion) which sounds like it's excellent. Being the Doctor Who geek that I am (Hi Ms. Henri!!!), the fact that former companion from the 70's Sarah Jane Smith (Elisabeth Sladen) and K-9 make a return appearance after 20 years makes my little heart all a-quiver. Just seeing these pictures of Sarah Jane laughing with current companion Rose (Billie Piper), the new Doctor (David Tennant) saying goodbye to K-9 and embracing Sarah Jane. . . . man, I've just GOTTA see this episode. I guess I'll have to wait till August. But, hey, Miss Jenny Penny, if I have to wait, that also means YOU'LL have to wait to see Giles! But hey, I'm not heartless. Just for you, here's ANOTHER picture of your Giles looking even more evil than last time! Where's Buffy and does she know about this????

REMEMBER: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO DUMP BODIES INTO THE RIVER!

THE NEW TENNANT (DAVID TENNANT, THAT IS). The Tenth Doctor has debuted on the new series of Doctor Who (in England only but, of course, your intrepid Cerptseroony has managed to clap his eyes on several episodes already). I have had the pleasure to see the "Children in Need" 10 minute special, "The Christmas Invasion", "New Earth" and "Tooth and Claw". OK Ern, so are we pencilled in for Friday for you to get a sneak peek at 'em??? Anyway, the first actual appearance of David Tennant as the Tenth Doctor (not counting the end of Christopher Eccleston's final episode) was in an approximately 10 minute snippet on the "Children in Need" special. This is interesting, if fairly cursory, stuff which mainly deals with Rose's (Billie Piper's) initial shock at the Doctor's transformation. The first full episode is "The Christmas Invasion" which strikes me as very reminiscent of the Ninth Doctor's first episode "Rose". The New Doctor and Rose land the TARDIS back in London on Christmas Eve to visit Rose's Mum and boyfriend Mickey. Of course, things can't be that simple. Not only is the Doctor having particular trouble with his regeneration (he spends half the episode out cold in bed) but Rose, Jackie and Mickey are attacked by homicidal Santas (pictured here) and a murderous Christmas tree (you have to see it to believe it!). That's all before the aliens invade! Harriet Jones (Penelope Wilton, pictured) is back once again but this time as Prime Minister. At the last minute, of course, the Doctor manages to save the world (in his jammies, yet)! Of the three full episodes here, this is probably the best one. The human relationships are the strong point and the acting is first rate. As the new Doctor, David Tennant is very good. Only in comparison to Christopher Eccleston does he suffer; but who wouldn't!!! The next episode, "New Earth", is probably my least favourite of the three but it has it's good moments (including a very funny lip lock between Rose and the Doctor (pictured). After the Earth was destroyed in the future (in Christopher Eccleston's second episode "The End of the World"), the new Earth has been created (with the help of Captain Jack, who hasn't returned in the first three episodes of the second series as yet). The Doctor and Rose land (in a field of fragrant apple grass) and venture into the super-futuristic hospital (pictured) where they not only meet some cat nurses (pictured) but TWO returning characters who were last seen in Christopher Eccleston's season last year. I won't spoil the surprise but it's great fun. Finally, the third episode is called "Tooth and Claw" for good reason; it's a werewolf story. Just like Christopher Eccleston's third episode (do you see a pattern emerging here?), The Doctor and Rose travel back to Victorian times where they meet Queen Victoria herself (played by Shirley Valentine's Pauline Collins, pictured) and a fairly impressive CGI werewolf. There are also a group of monks who practise martial arts on wire-work a la Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (some impressive stunt work for a BBC TV production). Perhaps it's just the inevitable come-down after Christopher Eccleston's departure but the stories in the new season don't seem to be quite as well-written as the first. Maybe it's just the impossibly high standard of last year's season but these episodes seem to be just a notch below last year's. This doesn't reflect on David Tennant, whom I actually like a lot more than I thought I would. He's quite excellent as the Doctor and, if we can't have Eccleston, then he'll do quite nicely. One can only hope that the calibre of scripts improve in the rest of the season. In a few months, I'm hoping to be able to see some more episodes but, until then, that's all I have for you. And I'm most sorry, Miss Jenny Penny, but the fourth episode (with Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Giles) I haven't seen; however I HAVE seen the coming attractions for it. I'll let you take a peek next Sunday. Until then, here's a photo of him just for you!!!

19 WAYS TO MAINTAIN YOUR INSANITY! Ms. Roberta Quibbler handed me these sure-fire ways to be totally loopy outta your mind insane. Sad part is, I've done 3 of them and a variation on a fourth already (before I ever saw this list). What does that tell you about me? Anyway, here are 20 ways to keep koo-koo:

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Sexual Favours".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". Insistently.

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquite netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

HEY, HERE'S A MIX FOR YA . . . AND IT'S A SHAMBLES! This is just a mix I did yesterday and I'm pretty happy with it. It captures a certain mood extremely well. I dunno what exact mood you'd call it but I like to call it -- SHAMBLES!!! Embarkation commences. . . 1. Young World - Ricky Nelson 2. How Deep Is the Ocean - Kay Starr 3. Almost Blue - Alison Moyet 4. Alice - Tom Waits (Hi, Ms. Henri!) 5. Dare - Gorillaz 6. Prayer - Leela James 7. Yesterday's Men - Madness 8. Jackie Brown - John Mellencamp 9. There's A Cabin in the Pines - Mildred Bailey (Hi again, Ms. Henri!) 10. They Say It's Wonderful - Sarah Vaughan 11. I'm Stepping Out - John Lennon 12. Home (Air "Around the Golf" Remix) - Depeche Mode 13. The World In Music (excerpt) - Vincent Price 14. Ruined in a Day - New Order 15. Nancy Sings - Jandek 16. The Moon Is Blue - Colourbox (Hi, Little Brother!) 17. 4th of July - X (Hi, Pax!) 18. I'm Not the Man I Used To Be - Fine Young Cannibals (Hi again, Little Bro!) 19. Full Moon - eden ahbez 20. Lover, You Should've Come Over - Jeff Buckley 21. Pretty Maids All In A Row (Live) - The Eagles

THE CERPTS AND HONEY POPCORN MOVIE QUIZ! OK movie buffs! Tune in your brainwave frequencies for a challenge!

See if you can name the movie each quote is from. AND for an extra bonus point: who said it in the movie. But I have to warn you; some of 'em are kinda tough. Ready. Then let us begin. 1. "The stuff that dreams are made of." 2. "Is Bismarck a herring?" 3. "It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache." 4. "The calla lilies are in bloom again." 5. "Who's going to believe a talking head? Get a job in a sideshow!" 6. "Do sit down, sergeant. Shocks are so much better absorbed with the knees bent." 7. "Practically perfect in every way." 8. "I'm clearin' out the deadwood!" 9. "Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops!" 10. "Who would want to hurt a little dog?" 11. "I am the bombadier!" 12. "Why don't you pass the time by playing a relaxing game of solitaire." 13. "Light of my life, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just gonna bash your f--king brains in!" 14. "I am big! It's the pictures that got small!" 15. "I had garlic at dinner. I had onions at lunch. But he'll never know." 16. "You know how to whistle, don't you Steve?" 17. "Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left." 18. "Come on, Dover! Move your bloomin' arse!" 19. "You were just supposed to blow the bloody doors off!!!" 20. "We all go a little mad sometimes." CLICK ON COMMENTS TO SEE THE COMPLETE ANSWERS!!!