Tuesday, November 06, 2007

SO YOU WANNA KNOW WHY THE WORLD IS IN SUCH A MESS? Look no further; I will clear this all up for you now in the first of (I hope) endless rants. Here is just an introductory list of the modern ills which ruin our planet every day and which are driving us into another Dark Age:
1) In the winter, the heat is cranked up too high at every public building and workplace. For instance, somebody just had the heat set to 85. 85?!? 80 degrees is 80 degrees; it's the same temperature no matter what time of year it is. Therefore, when you're complaining about it being too hot in the summertime when your office is 80 degrees then WHY is the heat kept at 80 degrees in the wintertime. It doesn't matter how cold it is outside -- 80 degrees is too hot for the inside of a building summer OR winter. And 85 is just plain silly.
2) There is no such thing as "Halloween lights". There are "Christmas lights" and always have been (they were in the manger at Bethlehem I swear it) but changing the bulbs in a string of Christmas lights to orange DOES NOT make Halloween lights. It is merely another desperate attempt to force us to spend MORE money on something which doesn't exist. There are many Halloween decorations; a string of lights has never been one of them.
3)And speaking of Christmas lights: Christmas lights are colorful. They are NOT white. A string of white Christmas lights is a dastardly Yuppie invention from the 80's and NEVER existed before that. And they are ugly. Desperately ugly. A string of Christmas lights should have pretty colors. What you have with white Yuppie Christmas lights is one thing: a string of BARE BULBS. When you have a light at home with a bare bulb you PUT A LAMPSHADE OVER IT. There's a reason for that. It's because it looks HARSH AND UGLY.
4) Back to Halloween again: candy corn is orange and yellow NOT PINK AND LAVENDER. When did this additional mercenary plot begin which tries to make us buy something which ALSO doesn't exist??? You know, the pastel coloured "candy corn" which now appears around Easter? There's no such thing as "Easter candy corn". Aren't there enough candies in existence without foisting this non-candy on us?!? Someone must please explain to me where the "corn connection" to Easter occurs. Candy corn has always been an Autumn thing for Halloween/Thanksgiving. Easter has chocolate bunnies and Cadbury eggs. Don't let me catch you buying "Easter candy corn"! Oh, and by the way -- there's no such thing as red & green candy corn for Christmas either.
5) There is never ever EVER a time when steak should have sauce on it. UNLESS you are trying to cover up a lousy piece of steak. In that case, what are you eating it for in the first place? Throw it out. You shouldn't be eating that crap. Steak does not require sauce; when you eat a steak you should be eating a steak. You cannot TASTE the steak if it is smothered in goop. This also goes for "steak sauce". Eat a handful of raisins if you want but DON'T ruin a steak by putting A-1 on it for God's sake. It's almost sacriligious. And so are any creamy, frou-frou sauces. Do yourself a favour -- get a GOOD steak or don't eat steak at all. A good steak needs nothing on it but your teeth. I'm also VERY dubious about seasonings, rubs, etc.on a steak -- I frown on that as well -- but I might let you slide with that IF I'm in a gracious mood. But basically putting ANYTHING on a good steak shows a retarded palette. Don't. Just don't.
6) And when exactly did THIS shit start???: You go order a hoagie. An Italian hoagie, an American hoagie, any kind of hoagie. It doesn't matter what kind. And you bite into it. And it has VINEGAR on it. Now, my entire life I've been getting hoagies and, until the last few years or so, I would never have to say "And please don't put any vinegar on it". Oil goes on a hoagie. Not mayonnaise. And fer pity's sakes not vinegar. Now, I love vinegar. I drink salad dressing out of the bottom of the bowl when I'm done a salad. But a hoagie is not a salad. And traditionally it's NEVER had vinegar and oil on it -- only oil. The only thing this accomplishes is to make the meat on the hoagie taste like it's going bad. Unfortunately, now the vinegar is automatically put on a hoagie and you have to request that they not ruin it when it shouldn't be on there in the first place. Stop the madness!
7) No means no. In most cases, you are teaching your child that no means "sure, go ahead...I won't do anything about it". The reason your kid is so badly behaved and throws endless tantrums is because you have taught the child that, when you say no, you will quickly give in if the child screams, cries and throws a tantrum. You are just producing another obnoxious adult which the REST of us are going to have to put up with. Did you ever notice that you need to get a license to drive a car or to get married but you don't need to get one to have children. In addition, you're child DOES NOT need a cell phone, a credit card and a blackberry. What the child DOES need is a parent who doesn't allow a television, a video game and a day care center to raise it. A child needs ONE parent who does not work and stays home to raise him. The simple fact is that, like it or not, if one of the parents can't stay home and raise a child, whether it's the father OR the mother mind you, then you shouldn't have children. It's as simple as that. A child is not possession like a VCR; it is a responsibility and if you selfishly bring one into the world you owe them. You owe them big.
8) Seatbelt laws are intrusive and probably unconstitutional. The government simply should not even be involved in whether or not you choose to wear a seatbelt in your car. The wearing of a seatbelt has no safety benefit on the public at large but only for the person wearing or not wearing the seat belt. The same logic which says the government SHOULD enforce seatbelt wearing by law would also mean that the government should by law be able to forbid a fat guy from eating pork rinds. It is healthier for you to both wear seat belts and to not eat pork rinds. However, as an adult you should be the sole decider of whether or not to do these things; they affect no one else but you. This doesn't include children, of course since adults are responsible for children and should be required by law to have them in car seats and seatbelts. I'm talking about adults here. And I would also like to add that I never EVER drive without wearing a seatbelt; ask anyone who knows me. So I'm not griping because I don't want to wear them. I do and I recommend everyone wear them as well. However, if I don't want to wear a seatbelt that harms no one but myself. This is just the old problem of us not taking responsibility for our own actions anymore.
That's it this go-round. Just wait till I have EVEN MORE stuff to bitch about!


Weaverman said...

Now I tend to agree with most of your rant but I do have a sort of problem about the steak thing, I really do. Am I allowed to put salt on it ? Most food can do with a bit of seasoning.
I'm as fond as the next carnivore of a nice big piece of dead cow and to just have it unadulterated is fine by me - it's a great way to eat steak. But I'm also rather partial to a nice pepper steak in a good peppercorn sauce, like the one I had in a restaurant last week. It was a good steak and the chef was good enough to make a sauce that did not overpower it - rather it enhanced it. Now, if you are going to tell me that I shouldn't have a pepper sauce or even marinate a steak in Worcestershire Sauce before grilling then I'm going to fight against this food facism. I do agree about the steak sauce though - that's almost as bad as somebody stirring mayo into baked beans!

Cerpts said...

Absolutely! I don't but I'll allow it. Salt is fine -- as are seasonings in general. I myself wouldn't see any need to use them but I would not hold it against someone who does; I would merely smile and nod at them as one does with a slightly-touched relative who is lovable but tends to embarrass themselves on occasion. Endearingly odd but harmless.

Not having seen your peppercorn sauce, I can only trust your judgment that it was not a lake of cream covering up the steak. That would be bad. However, I probably didn't make myself clear on the "Worcestershire Sauce" angle; that wasn't really included in what I was referring to as "sauce" or "steak sauce" since Worcestershire is not thick and creamy but more of a marinade-type of thing you're adding at the table. As far as marinades go (which I sadly didn't mention in my previous rant), I don't REALLY have a problem with them -- since that is a kind of seasoning. Now, while I personally don't hold with marinating steak much (or with adding Worcestershire sauce to the steak at your plate -- I save Worcestershire sauce for roast beef), I do not include them in my prohibition against sauces. . . nor, in fact, do I include Worcestershire in the group of "steak sauces" because things like A-1 etc. say "steak sauce" on the label while Worcestershire sauce does not. So, Worcestershire sauce should not be guilty by association and included among the evils of A-1 and heavy, thick, creamy, etc. sauces which cover up the taste of the steak one is trying to eat.

Mayo in baked beans, however, is da bomb.