SCAMP'S CHRISTMAS QUOTES: Now these don't have anything to do with Christmas -- in fact, they don't have anything to do with anything. They're just quotes. And that's the way I like it.

"I've had a Carrie's prom night with extra pig's blood kind of day."

-- Lisa Ann Walter

Life's Work

"There can be no greater danger to one laboring to reach a higher spiritual and moral plane than the feeling that he has achieved it."

-- Adin Steinsaltz

"She hath done wondrous naughty."

-- Francis I, King of France

on Katherine Howard c. 1541

"To be called 'deliciously demented' by people who really know their dementias is high praise indeed."

-- Bruce Kimmel

"Life is just a sucker's dream

and death is a disgrace,

So come on down you Saucer Men

and take me off to space."

-- Rev. Ivan Stang

"Freud was an unhealthy influence on America. I think people take themselves too seriously."

-- Katharine Hepburn

"He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed."

-- David Frost

"A man who limits his interests limits his life."

-- Vincent Price

"You're so ugly you hurt my feelings!"

-- Moms Mabley

"It is the happy heart that breaks."

-- Sara Teasdale

"If all the politicians in the world were laid end to end they would still be lying."

-- Fred Allen

"If all the girls in attendance (at the Yale prom) were laid end to end I wouldn't be surprised."

-- Dorothy Parker

"Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine."

-- Fran Lebowitz

"(Mathematics is) the last refuge of the feeble-minded."

-- John Dickson Carr

"Axiom: no matter how good looking she is, someone, somewhere, is sick of her shit."

-- Martin Wagner

"Why don't you get a toupee with some brains in it?"

-- Moe Howard

"If you have chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?"

-- George Carlin

"(Music is my) consolation for living."

-- Clifford Curzon

"How many observe Christ's birthday! How few his precepts!"

--Benjamin Franklin

CERPTS THAT LIVE EVEN FARTHER IN THE PAST -- SO FAR THAT THE DINOSAURS WERE WEARING HUGGIES. OK, direct from the Twilight Zone are some pictures of me -- jeez, talk about the ghost of Christmas Past -- the first picture is of me and my first little girlfriend. I was 6 and she was 5. And yes, we did live in Stepford. I briefly toyed with the idea of putting one of those black bars across our eyes (or at least hers since my face has been in every post office from here to Hoboken) but I figured screw it -- she went and married a plumber so the hell with 'er! Please note the 70's wood panelling and mustard-coloured drapes. Also note that practically every ornament you see on that tree can be seen this very moment on my Christmas tree. Hey, isn't that that strange billiard game Don Adams advertised???

The second picture is of me the same day (it appears) in the same shirt and I seem to be very excited to get a red bike. Actually, I don't remember getting this bike at all. I remember getting a blue bike when I was older but not this one. Perhaps I in fact stole it from another child. That would explain my obvious glee. Oh and yes, my mother was Jackie Kennedy. And please note it looks like I'm ALMOST wearing Chuckies! Probably some cheap knockoffs available in the shade of the maple. These pictures were obviously taken with non-digital cameras of the early 70's so the 3 sixes on my scalp aren't visible.

A YEAR IN MOVIES. I've watched a lot of movies in the past year. Many were old favourites but some were films I had never seen and watched for the first time. While some did not impress me that much, others have now joined the ranks of my faves. So here, at the end of the year, I thought I'd list the top 25 films I saw for the very first time this year -- and liked the most. I've listed them alphabetically (and you can click on each title to read more about them).

1. BRIEF ENCOUNTER (1945) - heartbreaking and quietly gut-wrenching
2. DARK VICTORY (1939) - classic Bette Davis tearjerker
3. DESTINATION MOON (1950) - very realistic riff on what space travel might be like circa 1950; some find it dry and slow but I found it surprisingly watchable
4. DINNER AT EIGHT (1933) - one of the greatest ensemble casts
5. DONOVAN'S REEF (1963) - simply an excuse for John Ford & John Wayne to have some fun; and I loved every minute of it
6. FASTER PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL! (1965) - the trashiest of cult movies; unbelieveable, wacky and pure Russ Meyer
7. GRAND HOTEL (1932) - another of the greatest ensemble casts ever assembled; but nothing ever happens at the Grand Hotel
8. HELL DRIVERS (1957) - who ever thought a British B&W movie about truck drivers could be so gripping?!?
9. INTIMACY (2001) - sexually explicit and gut-wrenchingly tragic
10. THE KILLING (1956) - I'm not a Kubrick fan but this early EARLY Kubrick heist film was very enjoyable to me
11. THE LETTER (1940) - Bette Davis at her ice-cold nastiest. What's not to love?
12. LET SLEEPING CORPSES LIE aka THE LIVING DEAD AT THE MANCHESTER MORGUE (1974) - outrageous color zombie film which pre-dates Romero's Dawn of the Dead; this one is stylish and very imaginative. An overlooked gem.
13. THE PRISONER OF SHARK ISLAND (1936) - John Ford's unhistorical but surprisingly gripping tale of Dr. Mudd and his imprisonment for mending the broken leg of John Wilkes Booth
14. RAW DEAL (1948) - great, hard-hitting film noir; one of the best
15. RED RIVER (1948) - Howard Hawks' classic western is one of the greatest
16. THE RED SHOES (1948) - stylish, bizarre, haunting, tragic. I'm not ballet fan but the "Red Shoes ballet" sequence is breathtaking.
17. SANTO & THE BLUE DEMON VS. THE MONSTERS (1970) - delirious entry in the "Mexican masked wrestlers fighting monsters" movie series
18. THE SECRET GARDEN (1949) - I've been a big fan of the 90's remake but I like this one just as much; a classic children's tale brought to the screen
19. SERGEANT RUTLEDGE (1960) - John Ford gives us the tale of an innocent black cavalry officer court-martialed for the rape and murder of a white woman
20. SHANE (1953) - another classic (if odd) western
21. STAGECOACH (1939) - I absolutely loved this classic John Ford western which features a dream cast interacting on a stagecoach journey west.
22. THE TESTAMENT OF DR. MABUSE (1933) - Fritz Lang's hallucinatory half horror/half police procedural film of the omnipotent criminal mastermind
23. WEST OF ZANZIBAR (1928) - this silent movie is chilling, shocking and brutal and surprisingly packs a wallop even after all these years. Wow!
24. WITNESS FOR THE PROSECUTION (1957) - classic Agatha Christie courtroom drama which is a lot of fun besides.
25. ZODIAC (2007) - surprisingly factual and low key filming of the story of real-life serial killer Zodiac; can't wait till 2008 when they release the 2 disc special edition jam packed with documentaries about the case. Absorbing.

Well that's thems: the movies that I watched for the very first time this year and enjoyed the most. There were, of course, other great movies I saw for the first time this year which didn't quite make the cut of top 25: Action in the North Atlantic, Anatomy of a Murder, Broken Arrow, Casino, Cheyenne Autumn, Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet, The Informer, Jezebel, Thomas In Love, Vampira the Movie, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Witchcraft and Once Upon a Time in China II. Here's to next year and another passle of great movies to watch and discover!

CERPTS THAT LIVE SO FAR IN THE PAST THAT THE DINOSAURS WERE STILL USING CLEARASIL. That's right ladies and gentlemen. . .I've found something so old that it makes the ark of the covenant look like a post-it note! Here apparently is an authentic list I made to Santa when I was knee-high to a grasshopper. Obviously, the opening line on top is pure me -- but the rest of the list looks like it was dictated by my father. Unless, of course, I really DID want a blonde. . .and a shorter work week. And remember -- be careful what you wish for -- because, as it turns out in my life, the only blonde I got was Cheekies!

"He said I want to grow up

And look like Robert Mitchum

And I hope that when I'm gone

There'll be some say that I miss him.

He must have been romantic

He must have sensed adventure

And I feel the steel of his strong will

In the frame around his picture.

And then one more arrow flying through the air

One more arrow landing in a shady spot somewhere

Where the days and nights blend into one

And he can always feel the sun

Through the soft brown earth that holds him

Forever always young.

He could have been a boxer

But the fight game seemed so dirty.

We argued once; he knocked me down

And he cried when he thought he'd hurt me.

Strictly from the old school

He was quiet about his pain

And if one in ten could be that brave

I would never hate again.

And he's one more arrow flying through the air

one more arrow lying in a shady spot somewhere

where the days and nights blend into one

and he can always feel the sun

through the soft brown earth that holds him

forever always young.

One more arrow

One more arrow

One more arrow

Forever always young."

-- Bernie Taupin

© 1983 Big Pig Music Limited

"I USED TO BE A DOCTOR." THE PRISONER OF SHARK ISLAND is a 1936 film directed by the legendary John Ford; it concerns the true story of Dr. Samuel Mudd who was found guilty of conspiring in the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln. While the story naturally plays fast and loose with the historical facts, the film itself is quite a good one. I found myself being pleasantly surprised at how "un-antique" a mid-30's film can be when helmed by a masterful director. I hear Ford didn't think much of this film, however, and apparently producer Darryl F. Zanuck stuck his hand in quite a lot. But still the film works very well and holds up even today. One of the first things I noticed which helped the film immensely is the almost total absense of incidental music. Scenes of heartbreak and pathos are thankfully lacking in syrupy violins while action scenes are mercifully free of typical 30's style chase music which is almost always inappropriate. In fact, the use of silence in this film (as well as natural sounds) is fairly bold and the picture gains greatly from it. The film opens with celebratory crowds setting bonfires and dancing because the Civil War is over and the North has won. President Lincoln (played by frequent Lincoln portrayer Frank McGlynn Sr. -- who played Honest Abe in several films including Shirley Temple's "The Littlest Rebel") comes out on the balcony of the White House as the crowd urges him to give a victory speech. Nobly, Lincoln refuses to speechify but asks the band to play "Dixie". This scene immediately casts Lincoln in a saintly light as the first reel has barely begun to unspool and it would seem totally over the top Hollywood twaddle if it weren't in fact true; Lincoln actually did that and this is one of several (not many) instances when the film is factual. Next we go to Ford's Theater (no relation to John Ford, I hope) and the inevitable re-enactment of the assassination. The scene is well-composed and owes something to D.W. Griffith's earlier portrayal of the assassination in "Birth of a Nation". Actual lines from the play "Our American Cousin" are used although the line which got a big laugh and Booth waited for to fire his shot occurs too soon in Ford's film: "You sockdologizing old mantrap!". Also the angle of Booth to the President is also incorrect: the real Booth came up behind Lincoln while the film shows him almost completely to one side of the President when he shoots. Mere quibbles but I thought I'd mention it. Booth's leap onto the stage below is rather well-done and he correctly brandishes his knife and bellows "Sic Semper Tyrannus!"

Booth (minor actor Francis McDonald) and David Herold (Paul Fix) ride into the night but the assassin's busted-up leg forces them to look for a doctor. They find one at the home of Dr. Samuel Mudd (Warner Baxter). Now, Ford's film depicts Mudd as totally innocent and unknowing as to Booth's identity. This, of course, isn't strictly the truth since Mudd had met Booth on at least 3 earlier occassions. However, the film's object (spelled out in the opening introduction which fills the screen) is to show Mudd as a completely innocent man unjustly imprisoned. While Mudd was probably MOSTLY innocent and wouldn't have been convicted by a non-military court, he wasn't exactly the "saint in surgical garb" (to paraphrase an episode of M*A*S*H*) that this film makes him out to be. Mudd cuts Booth's boot off his injured foot and disgards it; the boot conveniently has John Wilkes Booth stamped on the inside of it. Booth slips the doctor a $50 dollar bill for a $2 dollar job (also incorrect -- the actual amount was $25) and takes off leaving Mudd and his wife Peggy (Gloria Holden: star of "The Old Dark House", "The Invisible Man" and James Cameron's "Titanic") none the wiser. Naturally, the Union soldiers come the next day, find Booth's boot and arrest the doctor for conspiracy to assassinate Lincoln. Mudd and the seven other conspirators are tried by military court (many say "kangaroo court") and found guilty. Four are hanged (including Mary Surratt: the first woman to be hanged U.S. history) and the other four are transported to prison for life. Mudd is sent to Dry Tortugas: a "Devil's Island"-type island prison off the coast of Florida surrounded by sharks (hence the name of the film). Once he arrives on the "burning white hell" of a prison island, Mudd encounters Sgt. Rankin (magnificently played by John Carradine) who promises to make Mudd's life a living hell because he believes Mudd killed Lincoln. The first scene with Carradine is a stunner. Rankin is "checking in" the prisoners at a table; when Mudd announces his name Carradine stands up into the camera for a fiery-eyed close-up filled with zealous hatred. While the film is filled with several fine performances, Carradine steals the picture. The only time he falters is due to the script and no fault of the actor's. Rankin harasses Mudd, shoots him during an escape attempt, tries to get him eaten by sharks, orders his men to kill Mudd instead of bringing him back alive . . . and after all this suddenly becomes all sweetness and light after Mudd doctors him (and the rest of the prison) for Yellow Fever. The scene rings completely false but that's not Carradine's fault. No one could sell an abrupt, sudden transformation like that -- no matter how good an actor. At least one scene should've been shot depicting at least the slight melting of Carradine's icy hatred as the sergeant sees Mudd's tireless efforts to cure the prison of Yellow Jack. As for the previously mentioned escape attempt and Yellow Fever epidemic, the former is a made up incident while the latter actually happened. Mudd's exciting and complicated escape attempt is thrilling and wonderfully shot (also without any musical score at all which adds to the realism). The real Dr. Mudd merely wore civilian clothes and boarded a ship before being discovered. The filmic Mudd (aided by his wife) takes part in an intricate escape plot which involves his transport by ship to nearby Key West so he can be arrested in a civilian jurisdiction and gain a re-trial under civilian law. So, Mudd isn't trying to flee but merely wants to hop over to Key West and get a fair trial. Naturally, he is recaptured and thrown into solitary. However, an outbreak of Yellow Fever sweeps the prison. The prison doctor (played by O.P. Heggie -- who is probably most famous for playing the blind hermit in THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN as well as Robert Donat's prison cell companion in THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO) soon dies and the prison warden (old Ford stalwart Harry Carey) seeks Mudd's help in checking the epidemic. This recruiting of Mudd to fight Yellow Fever actually did happen and, as in the film, led to his early pardon. However, quite a bit of poetic license is used (particularly when Mudd practically takes over the prison and has the gun crew fire a cannon at an offshore medical supply ship that refuses to deliver medicine to the prison for fear of catching Yellow Fever). The warden and everyone left in the prison (including the aforementioned about-facing John Carradine -- who insists on being the FIRST name) signs a petition recommending Mudd's pardon for his heroic efforts. President Andrew Johnson does so and Mudd finally returns home, much the worse for wear, to a heartwarming reunion with his wife and daughter. While PRISONER OF SHARK ISLAND probably would've been a pretty good picture done by another director, John Ford elevates it to an extremely good one. This is one of those movies which holds your attention for every second of it's running time. Each event logically and satisfactorily follows event and the viewer literally isn't sure moment to moment what's going to happen next. Warner Baxter (whom I've never seen in any other movie) gives a fine performance as Dr. Mudd: usually understated but occasionally (but justifiably) over the top. Baxter never overplays the martyr aspects of his endlessly put-upon character and, in fact, is not written as a saint; Mudd is in fact a southerner and a Confederate sympathizer who in fact owns slaves and Baxter plays his scenes with recently-freed slaves just as a white slaveowning southerner would behave. Baxter is alternatively affectionate with his former slaves and then imperiously shouts orders at the black soldiers in the prison camp. Many modern-day PC critics are made uncomfortable by these scenes and label them racist. But that was sadly how freed blacks and white Southerners behaved toward each other in the aftermath of the Civil War (and, indeed, long years after). To have the Southern whites suddenly treating the freed slaves with respect as equals would be ridiculous in the context of the times. And John Ford, throughout his many films, has demonstrated time and time again that he is not racist. Ford, in fact, demonstrates this fairly early in the film when a Northern man addresses a crowd of freed slaves telling them they are now free and equal to the whites and now have the right to vote. Dr. Mudd admonishes the Northerner for keeping his workers from their work and tells his former slaves to throw him off his land. When the workers, who still don't buy the whole "now you're free" argument, go to escort the fellow away, the Northerner angrily tells the nearest man he can't lay hands on a white man. The freedman quips, "But weren't you the one who just told us we're your equals". There's a lot of interesting stuff going on in this scene: Southerner Mudd still behaving as if the South hadn't lost the war, the former slaves disbelieving (rightly, it turned out) the North's promises of their newly-minted equality and the hypocritical Northerner who trumpets the former slaves as his equal . . . UNTIL they lay a hand upon him. In addition to the excellent acting job provided by John Carradine and Warner Baxter, the rest of the cast is (mostly) fine as well. Gloria Stuart is more effective than I've ever seen her in a 30's film; while she does once or twice resort to hysterics they are totally in character with the events tearing her family apart. Harry Carey is also quite excellent as the prison warden; in addition to a long career in the movies he's probably most well-known as the President of the Senate in Frank Capra's "MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON" -- amused at Mr. Smith's constant outwitting of the Senate politicians. As Carey descends into Mudd's sweatbox cell to basically beg Mudd to battle the Yellow Fever epidemic, the actor gives his lines a truthfulness and weight which practically steals the scene. Also in the cast are a passle of familiar character actors. Crotchedy old Claude Gillingwater plays Mrs. Mudd's elderly Confederate colonel father who cobbles together a group to rescue Dr. Mudd from the prison. Gillingwater sadly suffered an accident on the Paramount Studio lot in February 1936 from which he never recovered; the actor committed suicide in 1939 due to failing health and a wish not to become a burden on anyone. Other familiar faces in the cast are Arthur Byron as Erickson (who appeared as Sir Joseph Whemple in the Universal classic "THE MUMMY" from 1932), Frank Shannon as Judge Advocate General Holt (most well-known for playing Dr. Zarkov in the Buster Crabbe "FLASH GORDON" serials) and John McGuire as Lt. Lovett (who played the lead in arguably the first film noir: 1940's "STRANGER ON THE THIRD FLOOR" with Peter Lorre). And of course this wouldn't be a John Ford film without his brother Francis Ford as prison Cpl. O'Toole. Francis Ford, who was an earlier movie star years back, appeared in many John Ford pictures including THE QUIET MAN, WAGON MASTER, SHE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON, STAGECOACH, FORT APACHE, MY DARLING CLEMENTINE, THE GRAPES OF WRATH, DRUMS ALONG THE MOHAWK, YOUNG MR. LINCOLN and more. THE PRISONER OF SHARK ISLAND is endlessly interesting and holds up very well even today. It's the cinematic equivalent of a page-tuner. As true history it's not so accurate. . .but this is a movie we're talking about. . .and as cinema it's eminently watchable.

HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY, LAND OF CERPTS & HONEY. Just popping in to wish myself (or at least my blog) a happy birthday since THE LAND OF CERPTS AND HONEY began two years ago. Oh, you lucky, lucky people. . .

THE PENGUIN AWARDS FOR 1989?!?!? The Penguin Awards didn't exist in 1989. But just for fun I was wondering what would've been nominated . . . and what would've won. Nowadays, with a handy dandy ipod, one can ask to see all the songs from 1989 -- and that's just what I did. This gave me what I think I would've nominated way back in 1989. And notice there's no "Batdance". So here they are. . .what do you think would win for song of the year???

Baby Don't Apologize - Big Audio Dynamite

Closer To Fine - Indigo Girls

Everybody Needs A Holiday - Big Audio Dynamite

Healing Hands - Elton John

Home - Stephanie Mills

Kid Fears - Indigo Girls

Lonely - Janet Jackson

Lovesong - The Cure

Prince of Darkness - Indigo Girls

Run Through the Fields - Nuclear Valdez

Sacrifice - Elton John

Samain Night - Loreena McKennitt

The Sensual World - Kate Bush

Speaking of Dreams - Joan Baez

This Woman's Work - Kate Bush

What It Takes - Aerosmith

EXPLICIT PENGUIN. Traditionally the winners of the Penguin Awards are announced in the week between Christmas and New Year's Day. However, since I've done so much work whittling down the nominees to a winner (and since I have a moment to take a breath and post 'em) -- I'm gonna announce them now. Congratulations to all the winners.

SONG OF THE YEAR: Back To Black - Amy Winehouse

ALBUM OF THE YEAR: Back To Black - Amy Winehouse

COVER SONG OF THE YEAR: Bitches Ain't Shit - Ben Folds

DUET OF THE YEAR: Sister Rosetta Goes Before Us - Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

BEST COVER ART: Awkward Annie - Kate Rusby

Oh, and why the title "Explicit Penguin"? Well, simply because the winners for song, album and cover song are all chock full of explicit lyrics. Naughty, naughty penguins!

The race for the Penguin Awards was particularly tight this year with album, song and cover song battling it out back and forth with a few really strong contenders in each category. Just for the record: the strongest sluggers for cover song were Ben Folds' "Bitches Ain't Shit" (and congratulations to Ben Folds for FINALLY winning a Penguin Award after so many years of almost winning), Deadsy's "Wicked Game" and Amy Winehouse's "Will You Love Me Tomorrow" being the top 3. The two strongest contenders for album of the year were Back To Black by Amy Winehouse and Time On Earth by Crowded House; but the Amy Winepowerhouse won through. And the top 3 contenders for song of the year (and this was the toughest category) was extremely close between Amy Winehouse's "Back To Black", Rufus Wainwright's "Going To A Town" and Fountains of Wayne's "Someone To Love".

"O LITTLE TOWN OF CHURUBUSCO-AZTECA". One of the oddest Christmas thingies I've ever seen in my entire life has got to be the 1959 Mexican production of "SANTA CLAUS". The original film was produced at Churubusco-Azteca studios (the company that gave us all those Mexican wrestling monster movies) and was directed by Rene Cardona (who not only directed but starred as the lead monster in the classically unforgettable "BRAINIAC"). As usual, these Mexican monster movies were snapped up by K. Gordon Murray, re-edited, dubbed into English and sold to drive-ins and television stations so that they could forever warp our tiny little developing minds.

Bizarre is the only word to describe this film (as well as many other K. Gordon Murray flicks). The film opens at the North Pole headquarters of Santa Claus (which actually hangs in the clouds like Flash Gordon's city of the hawk-men or Lando Calrissian's Cloud City -- sponsored by Colt .45). Check out the cool Arabian-like archway with the criss-cross pattern which can be glimpsed in this lobby poster!

Now, where most movies in the first reel attempt to initiate the plot -- here we instead are treated (?!?) to almost ten minutes of kiddies from around the world singing native tunes (which have little to do with Christmas) in their native costumes. Now, I don't speak the languages but, since the English kids sing "London Bridge is Falling Down" and the Yanks sing (badly) "Mary Had a Little Lamb", I doubt very highly the other children are singing Christmas carols either. After all this, we then scoot on over to downtown Hell. . .that's right. . .HELL in a Christmas movie. . .where we find Satan planning to spoil Christmas by promoting evil in earth's children. A devil apparently named Pitch (with trademark red skin, devil horns, forked tail and red longjohns) is dispatched to do just that. Believe it or not, we actually catch glimpses of damned souls in hooded robes endlessly circling around the fiery pits of Hell. I don't know about you but that IMMEDIATELY conjures up cozy Christmas morning for me.

We also get to see several earth children doing their stuff. We see three hoodlums who throws rocks through windows and try to defraud Santa with an "I've been good" letter. We see a little rich boy who is ignored by his parents so all he wants for Christmas is a little attention. And we also see an angelic little girl named Lupita who is poor but refuses to steal a doll (even with constant pressuring from the devil Pitch). Meanwhile, Santa is gearing up for his Christmas Eve flight by essentially spying on all the world's children; even going so far as to read their minds which he does with a tabletop device resembling the Bottle City of Kandor. Santa's also go something called the "Master Eye" which is an eyeball on a stalk that enables him to see all. He can eavesdrop by using a device which can only be described as a plastic rotary fan with an ear glued onto it. Then there's the "Teletalker" which is a machine that looks like a huge face with an almost obscene-looking fleshy red mouth. All the equipment and more packs Santa's fantastic "crystal laboratory" which is manned by children instead of the traditional elves. Santa apparently flouts earthly child labour laws. One of my favourite catchphrases from the film is the recited command which causes Santa's machines to search for a specific child -- somberly intoned by several children it goes "Find her. . .whether she is in a cave or behind a million mountains!" Another of my favourite quotes is more of a mondegreen than an actual quote. When the devil Pitch fails at one particular bit of mischief, the jaunty narrator (actually K. Gordon Murray himself) says "Tough luck, Pitch!" Of course, to my ears, it sounded like he said "Tough luck, bitch!" Guess which one I prefer.

In preparation for his sleigh ride, we see Santa's other assistants: the Arthurian occult mage Merlin (check out the pentacle above his mantle) and a Hephaestus-like blacksmith called "The Keymaster". Merlin (who is short quite a few marbles) provides Santa with magic dust to knock out nosey children and a magic moonflower to render himself invisible when he sniffs it. Insert your own symbolic drug references here. The Keymaster provides Santa with a magic key that will open any lock. Santa loads up his sleigh which, instead of being pulled by real reindeer is pulled by mechanical clockwork jobs. Perhaps he borrowed the design for his robotic reindeer from Dr. Phibes? Naturally, Santa's trip is plagued by the devil Pitch; who cuts a hole in Santa's bag so the magical gadgets fall out. After a wacky series of events, Santa is trapped up a tree (shades of "On Borrowed Time") by a snarling dog while the police, fire department. . .even the Red Cross race to the scene. Oddly, Santa must return to his workshop before the sun rises or else his mechanical reindeer will turn to dust. I don't know, maybe they're vampires. It's never explained more than this.

While it is extremely easy to mock or slam a picture like this, it must be said that SANTA CLAUS is nothing if not memorable. In fact, it is much more watchable than that other wacky Christmas oddity SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS. In fact, there are one or two really emotionally effecting scenes that come off much better than they have a right to: the scene were Lupita's mother tries to explain who Santa Claus is only to have Lupita ask why he has never left her presents before. Doesn't Santa like poor people? Another effective scene surprisingly involves the "poor little rich boy" who yearns for attention from his absentee parents while they are out at a Christmas party. For once in these films, the voice actors dubbing the dialogue actually "ACT" and the actress voicing Lupita's mother is particularly good.

Those who were ambushed by this movie as children usually say it has stuck with them and those who see it as adults still aren't likely to forget it. SANTA CLAUS is a strange combination of fairy tale and gadgety James Bond flick for kiddies. And like every good fairy tale, there is a strong vein of occult darkness and threat running through it. There is even a scene which one can take two ways -- as Santa's jolly highjinx or outright blasphemy -- where Santa stands in front of a tabletop manger scene and just laughs and laughs and laughs. Throughout the film, Santa (played by Jose Elias Morena) doesn't "Ho Ho Ho" but merely laughs. So what exactly is going through his mind here while he's laughing at this classic Christmas scene of the virgin birth? You can insert your own Christmas conspiracy theory here or just ignore the whole thing as new age paranoia. But the odd strain of darkness that runs through the rest of the film is real enough. Refreshingly, and unlike every other Christmas movie I've ever seen, the bad kids actually DO get coal from Santa. No last minute change of heart by the hoodlums occur. No last minute wishy-washy backsliding from Santa to give them real gifts after all. The three naughty boys (who bizarrely plan to kidnap Santa, make him their slave (!) and steal all his candy and toys) earn coal and damn it that's what they end up with. They deserve coal and they GET coal. At long last -- consequences for your actions! If there's only one lesson children can take away from this film it would be this: if you do something bad you're going to have to take the consequences. However, long-suffering little Lupita does finally receive the doll she wanted; Santa finds a way to get it to her at the last moment and you'd have to be a hard-hearted grinch not to be touched. SANTA CLAUS is endlessly (and bizarrely) interesting for adults and a great way to mess with a kid's head. You know. . .like adults USED to do in the old days. When kids were kids instead of fragile china cups. For a good old warped holiday film, you can't miss SANTA CLAUS. Even if it's behind a million mountains.

"FRANK WAS A GOOD BLOKE." "HE WAS, THAT." But now Frank's dead and his hitman brother Jack Carter wants to know why. I just rewatched it and, I'll tell you, GET CARTER is one hell of a picture. A lot of people think it's one of the best crime movies ever made; and there's something to be said for that point of view. I notice on imdb that someone named "fatglyn" from Plymouth, England points out "If Shakespeare could have written a gangster movie, 'Get Carter' would surely be the one". This initially made me laugh until I watched it again and, well it actually makes some kind of sense. After all, Michael Caine as Jack Carter is obviously heading single-mindedly down the doomed slope of revenge and seems helpless or unwilling to turn from the path he's set himself. And indeed, like Hamlet, by the end the bodies are piling up as practically every character ends up dead.

Mike Hodges made his directorial debut on (he had previously only made a couple TV movies) as well as wrote the screenplay for Get Carter. Jack Carter (Michael Caine) is a "villain" who hears that his brother had died up north in Newcastle; apparently from drunk driving. However, Carter is certain it was murder and has decided to head up north to find out who did it and why. Now, Carter didn't really like his brother (in fact, he even slept with his brother's wife and there is some question whether his brother's daughter Doreen is actually HIS) but this is family so Carter's not about to let it go unchallenged. The opening shot looks onto the outside of an office building; there is one window illuminated and we see Michael Caine standing there looking out at us as the first strains of Roy Budd's phenomenal score begins to play. The effect is almost like a disembodied room is floating in the darkness. Caine then turns from the window with a drink in his hand as someone draws the curtains closed; symbolically clueing us in that it'll soon be "curtains" for Carter. But before I go on, can I just say a word about Roy Budd's incredible music? Is there, in fact, anything better in the world than Budd's theme music for "Get Carter"?!? The music in the film is used VERY sparingly but, when it does occur, that haunting, even sad sounding music gets right into your brain and never lets go.

After his criminal bosses try to dissuade him from going to Newcastle and sticking his nose in amongst some pretty tough customers, Carter hops a train headed north. I never realized until I listened to Mike Hodge's commentary track that a hired killer we see towards the end of the film is actually in the same train compartment with Carter at the beginning! Once Carter starts poking around, some feathers get ruffled and little acts of strong-arm violence begin to occur almost immediately. The film's relentless grittiness underlines the fact that there aren't really any heroes in this movie and the main character of Jack Carter is in fact a thoroughly nasty sort of person. However, we still find ourselves rooting for him since his quest is in fact a good one. Carter may be bad but the actions of the crooks he's up against seem far worse.

The cast of this movie is excellent from Michael Caine's performance on down. Tons of terrific British character actors turn up from the slightly reptilian Ian Hendry to the (once again unclad) Britt Ekland. George Sewell (who died just this April) and Tony Beckley (The Italian Job's Camp Freddy) make a great couple of thugs who get held at bay by a naked Michael Caine with a shotgun. "Come on, Jack. Put it away!" Sewell tells Caine, "You know you're not going to use it!" A grinning Beckley adds, "The gun he means!" Petra Markham is stunning in her few scenes as the disillusioned, sad-eyed rebellious daughter of Carter's dead brother while Geraldine Moffat (even MORE unclad than Britt Ekland) is perfect as the permanently drunk tart working for the coldly evil John Osborne as one of the criminal big shots. Alun Armstrong looks like nothing less than a young Pete Postelthwaite as naive barman Keith. Dorothy White is also perfectly cast as the twitchy tramp girlfriend of Carter's dead brother who knows much more than she's telling.

The violence in the film is not of the gore variety; it's powerful simply because it's not stylized but depicted in a realistic, sudden way. Very brutal and heartless most of the time; whether perpetrated by any number of thugs or by Carter himself. As a car-full of thugs begins to exit their car to rough him up, Carter kicks the car door back into one thug's face (smashing the window into it). As the car accelerates driverless, another thug's foot is caught in a seatbelt and he is dragged down the street on his back. Another scene finds Carter interrogating a man that knows who killed his brother. After getting the information, Carter pulls a switchblade. The man pleads for his life on his knees saying "It wasn't ME who killed your brother". Carter suddenly stabs him anyway while shouting "I know! I know you didn't!" Even without the gore, the realistic violence is brutal and believeable and because of that the film doesn't date. Newcastle is shown in all it's poverty-stricken bleakness but paradoxically the film is still beautifully shot by veteran DP Wolfgang Suschitsky ("Theatre of Blood"). One particularly breathtaking shot occurs as the hearses for the funeral are lined up alone a street of rowhouses as the mammoth factory with it's demonic smokestacks looms in the distance. The shot can (sorta) be glimpsed in this publicity still that has Michael Caine standing in front of the street; he does no such thing in the movie proper.

One side note: the final scene which occurs in a quarry/coal tip never ceases to remind me of the climax to the old Universal Vincent Price stinker "The Invisible Man Returns" which takes place in a similar setting as Cedric Hardwicke meets his demise. Trust me, that's about the ONLY similarity between those two films. Also, another definite inspiration or "homage" to GET CARTER occurs in the BBC TV mini-series of Dennis Potter's "The Singing Detective": the corpse of a naked woman is pulled from the Thames and is shot in exactly the same style and angle as a scene in GET CARTER where a corpse of a naked woman is pulled from a lake. The body is dragged up and placed face down -- then it is flipped over by the corpse's left shoulder so that it lies face up. Both shots are nearly identical and THE SINGING DETECTIVE shot was almost certainly meant to recall this shot in GET CARTER.

Mike Hodge's unblinking direction depicts violence as it actually is: sudden, brutal and often a complete shock. Combine this with masterful photography, perfect casting, a gritty screenplay and a haunting score and GET CARTER is one of the best films of its kind there is. Sadly, GET CARTER has always been practically unknown in the U.S. while in Britain it's something of a national treasure; in fact, the 2000 (terrible, I hear) remake with Sylvester Stallone was greeted with horrified indignation in England as the tarnishing of a British institution . . . while the Americans were merely bewildered why Hollywood chose to make a big remake of a film no one here had ever heard of. The excuse for the failure of the 1971 original to find an audience here has always been that it's too British for Americans to fully grasp but that's a load of nonsense. It has been compared to the vastly inferior TAXI DRIVER in tone. That's perhaps the only similarity between the two. TAXI DRIVER is overpraised while GET CARTER is overlooked. Do yourself a favour. Get a copy of GET CARTER. And look.

Hello, Children. Are you all tucked in nicely? Good. And have you been good boys and girls this year? Because you all know what season it is, don't you? That's right. It's Christmas and time for a visit from dear Old El Santo Claus. . .

'Twas The Night Before Christmas, when all through the shire

Not a creature was stirring, not even a vampire;

The wrestling masks were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that dear Santo soon would be there;

The wrestlers were nestled all snug in the beds,

While visions of luchadoras danced in their heads;

Lorena Velazquez in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When up in the ring there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But an aztec mummy, and las mujeres vampir,

With a little old sports car, its chrome all a-glow,

I knew in a moment it must be Santo.

More rapid than eagles his monster foes came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Hija de Frankenstein! now, mummies of Guanajuato!

On, La Llorona! on, el Hombre Lobo!

Then El Santo exclaimed ere he drove out of sight:

"Feliz Navidad to all, and to all a good monster fight!"

BE WATER, MY FRIEND. Over the weekend, I happened to dig out my DVDs of Bruce Lee's "Return of the Dragon" and "Enter the Dragon" (as well as the interesting documentary DVD "Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey" in which Lee's lost footage for "The Game of Death" is prominently displayed). Now, I hadn't seen them in quite some time.

My copy of "Return of the Dragon" sadly only contains the dubbed version; which gets on my last nerve since the English dubbing is particularly atrocious. However, we deal with the hand we're dealt. And I still quite enjoyed it. Naturally, the plot concerns a young Chinese woman and her uncle summoning Bruce to Rome in order to help them fight local mobsters who are trying to take over their Chinese restaurant. Not the most prepossessing of plots but it serves to put Bruce in opposition to a gang of baddies in order to showcase his martial arts. In that sense, it serves it's purpose. After all, the point of any Bruce Lee film is to watch Bruce Lee. The movie is fairly successful in providing us with a number of fight scenes. Naturally, the most eagerly awaited is the climactic battle between Bruce Lee and real-life student Chuck Norris inside the Colisseum (watched by some kittens, no less). The fight scenes are nicely spaced out in the film to occur just about when the viewer begins itching for another one; and the climactic battle is a winner, obviously. Now, I agree with the "spoiler rule" espoused by Mr. Frost over at the Paleo-Cinema blog in that I'm not worried about giving spoilers to movie's over 5 years old since you should have seen them by now. So, skip to the next paragraph now if you haven't seen the film. Although it's not MUCH of a spoiler to reveal that Bruce Lee wins and Chuck Norris dies. In fact, Lee is losing the fight until he follows his real life philosophy to abandon "fighting styles" and to fight fluidly. Pre-thought-out styles of martial arts held one back, according to Lee's mature belief system towards the end of his life, and he strove to illustrate this in his films; his unfinished "Game of Death" would have illustrated this belief much more vividly had he lived to complete it.

"Return of the Dragon" (original title "Meng long guo jiang") is a most enjoyable entry in the vast "kung fu" genre. In fact, Bruce Lee directed the film with a much surer hand than a few Hollywood directors I could name. One strange detail was the theme music of Joseph Koo which sounded very much like the Streisand song "On A Clear Day You Can See Forever" -- at least the first four notes of the song are identical). This lead me to constantly look for Babs to make an appearance; possibly as a customer at the Chinese restaurant. There is, in fact, a nice twist near the end of the film which I had forgotten about and genuinely took me by surprise. It's not really possible to accurately judge the performances due to the unsubtle English dubbing. However, all in all, I enjoyed the film very much. More, in fact, than I would find myself enjoying "Enter the Dragon". . .

"Enter the Dragon", of course, was the big Hollywood collaboration with Chinese producer Raymond Chow. It is also the film which postponed Lee's work on his pet project "The Game of Death". This is not to imply that Lee didn't want to make "Enter the Dragon". I'm just sayin'. Perhaps I had never watched "Return" and "Enter" back to back but I found myself being a little disappointed in the latter film mainly because Bruce Lee doesn't have as much screen time as I remember. Once tends to think of Lee as the star of this film; however, he's actually more like a supporting player for 2/3rds of it -- only taking center stage in the climax. Now, I like John Saxon and Jim Kelly but neither man has the magnetism and screen presence of Bruce Lee and the film would have benefitted by placing them (particularly Saxon) further in the background. In fact, the script by Michael Allin seems to be a bit muddled in the choice of knowing what to do with essentially three leading men with separate storylines. All 3 men arrive separately with different agendas and never really team up together. Regardless, Bruce Lee nearly disappears from the middle of the film.

The film itself (directed by Robert Clouse) plays very much like an early-70's Bond picture and the photography by Gil Hubbs (who bizarrely was responsible for photographing Mystery Science Theater 3000 fodder "The Hellcats" as well as Ray Dennis Steckler's "Lemon Grove Kids Meet the Monsters") looks beautiful. Whoda thunk it?!? The plot (at least that which concerns Bruce Lee) finds Shaolin monk and martial arts master Bruce Lee recruited to infiltrate the private island of a former Shaolin now crime boss Han (Kien Shih). The early scene where Lee is shown his mission via a movie projector reminded me of a similar scene with Michael Caine in "The Italian Job". There are countless subplots involving backstories for Saxon, Kelly, a scar-faced man (Robert Wall -- who ALSO appeared in "Return of the Dragon") who caused the death of Lee's sister, a female agent already undercover on the island, Han's drug operation, etc. etc. For so many subplots, the film is oddly slow-moving in spots. Of course, things pick up every time Lee (or Kelly or Saxon) make with the martial arts. Lee nearly bursts off the screen whenever he's turned loose and Kelly and Saxon are also extremely watchable. Kien Shih, with his various screw-on hand-weapons, is a Bond villain from head to toe. It's also a nice treat to see a fantastically young Sammo Hung square off (briefly) against Lee in an opening scene. One of my favourite scenes involves Lee and a boorish martial artist from New Zealand (he just CAN'T be -- I mean, his accent is taken directly from Dick Van Dyke in "Mary Poppins") on board a boat. After tripping and kicking a young man carrying a basket of oranges, the Kiwi bully confronts Lee and tries to pick a fight. Lee calmly suggests that there isn't enough room on the boat; they should take a lifeboat to a nearby beach and fight there. The Kiwi gets in the lifeboat and Lee plays out the rope so the boat (with the bully) float away. He has just demonstrated his martial arts style: "the style of fighting without fighting".

Both "Return" and "Enter" are very enjoyable and not to be missed for anyone even remotely interested in Bruce Lee. My slight disappointment in "Enter" this time out is really mild and only stems from my wish that Lee had been given even more to do in the film. I guess this is why we watch films we like over and over again; no opinion is ever set in stone. The next time I watch "Enter" I'll probably love it knowing the amount of Lee's screen time.